


It Doesn't Make It Okay; It Makes It Your Reality

by Vosueh



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Lapis, Abusive Relationships, Blood Loss, Blood and Gore, Broken Bones, Broken Jasper, Cunnilingus, Dark, Dark Jasper Redemption, Denial, Depression, Disembowelment, Dubcon Cuddling, Emotional Manipulation, Established Abuse, Established Relationship, F/F, Face-Sitting, Five Stages of Grief, Forced Orgasm, Gaslighting, Gore, Jasper is the victim in this, Manipulation, Painful Sex, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Rape Trauma Syndrome, Rape/Non-con Elements, Ruptured Organs, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Tentacle Dick, Threats, Torture, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, Violence, Vomiting Blood, alternate ending offered, i'm terrible for writing this, learned helplessness, no happy endings-- we die like men, oh wait i almost forgot, post Alone at Sea, someone save her pls, the alternate ending is better but not "happy", yeah ew i know, yeah i bet that's a concerning tag to see in a fic like this, yeah whoops that happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 16:55:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 87,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8293132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vosueh/pseuds/Vosueh
Summary: Jasper will do anything to be Malachite again; against her wishes, she fell in love with Lapis when they were fused. Now, she hates herself and how weak she feels without Malachite, and begs Lapis to fuse with her. Surprisingly enough, Lapis agrees; under the guise of 'learning to trust' Jasper again, she's able to take back her prisoner and get away with her abuse without anyone knowing.The Crystal Gems think Lapis is helping her. What they don't know is every second the two are left alone, Lapis takes her anger out on her former fusion partner. And Jasper can't reach out to anybody; Lapis is all she has, and she hopes if she keeps doing whatever Lapis wants, she'll fuse with her again.But the longer she lets it go on, the worst Lapis starts getting...    This is a dark take on a Jasper redemption, back if Lapis agreed to become Malachite on the ship under the condition she first trusts Jasper again





	1. I Won't Be Your Cry Baby

**Author's Note:**

> This is it. This is the fic that's gonna send me to hell, like wow. I sat back and thought, _"oh, I kinda wanna write some crying jasp right now"_.  
>  Next thing you know I'm writing this abuse trash. I can't help myself, I love writing my favorite characters in such heartbreaking situations.  
> I'm not going to lie, it's not going to get better, and I'm only planning for this to have three chapters. It's not going to be a fun ride. This is pure angst for the soul.  
> Sorry in advanceeeeeee
> 
> ((here's the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZp2Ocn6GRE) that started this awful mess))

 

 _“It'll be better this time. I've changed. You've changed me. I'm the only one who can handle your kind of power.”_  
……

Sometimes, Jasper wished she never came back.

She wished she never asked for Malachite again. Or that Lapis agreed. _Conditionally_.

She wished she didn’t have to live at the barn under the guise of mending her wrongs with Lapis, or that Steven and the Crystal Gems agreed it was a great idea for Lapis to teach her that Earth is worth protecting.

After all, that was the stupid condition. Lapis said she will fuse with her after she ‘trusts’ the Quartz again, but in the meantime, Jasper is defaultly on the Crystal Gem’s side. Which meant learning to love Earth.

And back on the boat when Lapis told her that, of course Jasper desperately agreed. She just wanted the blue gem to be with her, and she wanted to feel Malachite again. But it turns out Lapis had an ulterior motive behind it all. She didn’t want Jasper back just to show her the ways of the Crystal Gems.

Lapis just wanted her prisoner back.

 

\-----------------------

 

“Okay you two, Amethyst is here so I’ll see you guys later tonight!” Peridot chirped at the barn’s entrance, with Amethyst awaiting her for their hang out.

A sour burn seized Jasper’s stomach, curling a bitter fear to be left alone with Lapis. But she knew better than to act suspicious, so the Quartz tossed her head up from the book she was reading, forcing out a smile to the green gem.

“Be back soon!” Jasper chimed much unlike her usually grouchy self, but there was an underlying stress in her voice. She wanted Peridot back as soon as possible, because she knew what would happen the moment she left.

“Yeah, go have fun,” Lapis smiled from where she sat watching her and Peridot’s favorite show. The blue gem didn’t even give a glance at the Quartz, so the larger gem was quick to put her face back down into her book.

“Thanks! Later, then!” Jasper could hear Peridot reply.

She still haven’t look up from the book, but after a few moments she knew the two small gems left, leaving Lapis and her alone. That chilling burn intensified, and an eerie dread settled over the Quartz. Maybe not this time. Maybe Lapis will leave her alone.

“Looks like we have until the evening. That gives us, what, eight hours?” Lapis dulled out with an indifferent tone, speaking with the same emotion as she would about something meaningless. With a slight shove, she pushed herself off the couch and flashed off the TV, before continuing. “I’m only giving you two hours for your regeneration this time. If you fucking dare take longer, you’re going to get it worse next time.”

Jasper already began to tremble, curling up to hide further behind her book and pretend this wasn’t going to happen again. Not again. It hurts every time she has to reform.

But Lapis wasn’t going to have it any other way. She always beats the Quartz too badly; she has to poof her body so Jasper can regenerate without visible evidence of her abuse. That’s why for the last month since Jasper’s been here she always cuts their sessions short by a few hours so Jasper can regenerate before someone, usually Peridot, comes back. And ever since Lapis insisted to Peridot on keeping a kiddie pool inside the barn, she always had the water needed to keep the Quartz from running away from their sessions. After all, the first few times Jasper actually gotten away for a few hours, and carefully waited until Peridot was back to return. But ever since Lapis started keeping water right at her fingertips, any resistance from the Quartz was futile. If she ever wanted a chance to be Malachite, she had to lay back and let Lapis take her anger out on her.

But that didn’t stop her from getting teary-eyed about it. Already, the blue gem had walked over to stand before the Quartz with a hand on her hip, glaring down at where Jasper sat meekly hiding behind the book. At the sound of her shaky inhale, Lapis groaned in annoyance.

“Don’t fucking cry. You’re pathetic, I haven’t even done anything yet.”

Jasper’s lip quivered, and she curled in more so at Lapis’ jab. She really was pathetic. She's been letting this happen for weeks without fighting back. Jasper felt pitiful and weak, and she just wanted to be Malachite again so she didn’t have to feel like this anymore.

“ _P-please_ , Lapis… I-I don’t want to do this _again_ ,” The Quartz mournfully murmured, sinking further into herself. She wished she could disappear.

Suddenly, Lapis drew back her leg to throw a kick into the Quartz’ trembling body, hitting her straight in the ribs with a satisfying crack that made Jasper cry out and drop the book she had in hand. Her large hands immediately went to cover the area of injury, head dropped down and whining at the stinging pain shooting through her bones and foretelling her that Lapis had cracked one.

Without even letting the sting mellow out from her kick to the Quartz’ ribs, Lapis threw a knee into the side of Jasper’s jaw, this time not even earning a cry as the larger gem followed the momentum without resistance, falling onto her side with a whimper at the numb pain stinging freshly in her jaw and cheek. She knew better than to stand strong and resist. It’ll only make it worse.

“Why are you crumbling so _easy_? If I wanted a ragdoll to beat up on, I would’ve gotten one. Get off the fucking floor, Jasper.”

Rather than doing what’s best for her and obeying, Jasper curled her knees up to her chest bitterly and rapidly shook her head, not wanting to move from the floor. Maybe, if she stayed there long enough, Lapis with throw a few more kicks and get bored, and Jasper will get to be sent into her gem early.

But Lapis growled in frustration. “Are you being _stubborn_? Fuck, Jasper… I thought I beat that out of you a while ago.”

Before the Quartz could realize her mistake and regret her defiance, she glanced up to watch Lapis’ hand sway gracefully in the air, commanding the water she stored in the barn to her command. And shortly after, Jasper felt a chain around her throat contract dangerously tight and pull her out of her huddled position, yanking her onto her back with a breathless gasp. A painful ache throbbed in her head to process the new position, before Lapis stalked up to stand above her. In a split moment, she sent the blunt of her heel down into the Quartz’ firm abdomen, and the sensation would've made Jasper heave if she’d had anything in her stomach. Rather, she just choked and sputtered at the nauseating clench searing in her abdomen, gasping poorly with each jagged draw of air burning the rib bones Lapis had cracked.

“Still want to stay on the ground?? Want to keep denying me, Jasper???” Lapis teased while bringing down her foot again on the Quartz, this time higher to agitate the larger gem’s sensitive ribs whilst doing so.

Choking for the words to reply, Jasper barely sobbed back. “I-I just wanted Malachite back… I-I didn’t ever w-want any of this Lapis, _please_ s-stop…”

Lapis tsked and threw a kick across her face to shut her up, earning another pitiful wince.

“You’re fucking useless. You’re nothing. If you can’t even be my prisoner, what good are you?? You should be grateful I didn’t toss you back into the ocean, and here you are, whining for me to stop.” Her heel slammed down on the Quartz’ abdomen again, and again, each time harder than the last. Lapis began heatedly growling between her teeth. “Tell me you want this, Jasper. If you _want_ Malachite so bad, then tell me you love this. I won’t fuse with you if you don’t.”

Jasper couldn’t even catch the breath to reply, and Lapis continuously kicked harder and harder into her tender stomach the longer she was taking. But the Quartz simply couldn’t; she hardly grabbed a short gasp of air between the brutal kicks, and when she did it was gone before she could form a word. Lapis knew, but relentlessly continued to drive her foot into her stomach, not letting up until the Quartz finally couldn’t take the battering pain aching in her entire body and damaging what organs she had given herself in her last regeneration. Finally, Jasper resorted to grasping Lapis’ ankle to forcefully cease her kicking, gripping carelessly hard into the slender leg to keep it from painfully hitting into her.

Lapis looked incredibly shocked at Jasper’s intervention, and the Quartz barely gritted out her response in a pained breath. “No. I _hate_ this, Lapis. I-I… I just w-want Malachite…” The Quartz broke up at the end, on the verge of a sob. She just wanted Lapis to let her fuse. She just wanted to feel strong again.

The water gem’s expression grew absurdly offended, and she pulled her ankle out of Jasper’s grasp in a sharp tug.

“You fucking bitch. You’re so _selfish_.” Lapis scolded loudly, giving another kick to knock Jasper’s hand back down to her side. There was another choke when the Quartz felt Lapis tighten the water chains on her neck punishingly.

“But if you’re not enjoying this, how about we try something _new_? I’ve always been nice enough to do nothing more than hit you, but maybe you just might need a little more than hitting to remember who you _belong_ to.”

Jasper brought her eyes up at Lapis, pleadingly fearful. The shakes of remorse her head gave were confined from the chain around her neck, and she whimpered at what she hoped Lapis wasn’t suggesting. There was no way she was actually threatening to…?

“I’m feeling generous, so I’m going to say this now: this doesn’t _have_ to be hard for you. As long as you listen to what I tell you, it won’t be so _bad_ …” A slender hand reached down to start hiking up the edge of her skirt, and Lapis’ eyes started to grow a hunger in them. The Quartz only frantically tried shaking her head more; she wasn’t ready to take this any further, she didn’t want anything that would become of those hungry eyes staring at her.

“No no no, _please_ … I’m sorry for acting up, I-I’ll take it back. I’ll tell you I love it when you hit me, just p-please stop what you’re doing right _now_ …”

Lapis was already snaking off her panties by the time the Quartz finished, and her skirt fell back down over herself before Jasper saw anything. In a careless motion, the water gem tossed the panties behind her, and stepped a leg over to the other side of the Quartz’ torso, straddling over her heavy hips in a stand. To keep her from sitting down on her waist though, Jasper quickly intervened by grabbing at both of Lapis’ ankles again, bearing her pleading golden eyes up at her.

The blue gem hissed, and gave a twirl of her fingers to command two new water chains to come and bind around both the Quartz’ wrists, yanking harshly back and pinning her hands next to her head.

“It’s like you _want_ to make this hard on yourself. Stand the fuck down, Jasper.” Lapis growled, forcefully settling down and sitting her full weight onto Jasper’s awfully sore abdomen in a straddle

“I-I just w-wanted Malachite…” Jasper sobbed again, voice riddled with fear and despair. Even if she laid back and allowed Lapis what she wanted, she doubted the water gem would fuse with her. The prospect of ever feeling like Malachite again was getting further and further away.

“Stop fucking whining. Now, take off these clothes. If you obey me right away, you might still have a chance for this to not be so bad,” the blue gem gave a press of her hips across, biting her lip as she gave herself a testing grind on the Quartz’ firm stomach. “Hell, if you cooperate from here on out, maybe I’ll be kind enough to let you get off too. Wouldn’t that be nice of me, Jasper?”

With a bitter whimper, the Quartz bit her lip in anxiety. She didn’t want this to be any worse, so before Lapis can catch her delay as hesitation and punish her for it, Jasper quickly flashed off her uniform without thinking too hard that she just made it easier for Lapis to have her way with her.

Lapis purred in approval, shifting her hips to grind herself harder down on the deliciously firm muscles beneath her. But Jasper poorly held back a wince when she did, not only feeling how badly her abdomen burned and ached with damage, but also in despair over Lapis’ slight wetness on her skin.

“ _There we go_. Doesn't it feel good to actually have a _purpose_ again? I know you Quartz soldiers get lost real fast when you don't have someone to give you commands,” her hips sloppily pushed their grinds into Jasper, and the Quartz bitterly pressed her legs close in self-disgust. She hated feeling like this.

“You're a _brat_. I'm only doing this for Malachite.” The larger gem quivered out, despite having the sinking feeling she wasn't going to get to fuse anytime soon, but still hoping that doing this would encourage the blue gem to do so eventually in the future. Lapis gave a sharp scowl and threw her fist into Jasper’s already swollen cheek, making her yelp as she evidently spat up blood from whatever damage Lapis must've done to the inside of her mouth.

She only threw one more, this time hard into the Quartz’ cheekbone, before wiping her hand off on her skirt in disgust to the blood that got on her.

“You're not fucking getting her. I'm not fusing with someone so _defiant_.”

“W-what!?!! No, you said if I stayed your prisoner, you'd give her back!” Jasper cried out, paying no heed to the blood running off the corner of her mouth whilst doing so. She wasn't going to endure this hell for nothing; just fusing for a second and remembering what it was like to feel strong was the only motivation she clung to when she let Lapis beat up on her.

Another fist came down on her sternum, and the Quartz choked as her ribs screamed in pain and the feeling of her lungs abandoned her for a moment.

“Sorry, I'm _still_ not ready to fuse with you. You haven't done much to make me feel much better, so what good are you doing?” Lapis chided, absentmindly reaching a hand up to grip harshly into the tender flesh of Jasper’s breast. The Quartz bit back a wince.

“I _always_ let you do whatever you want to me, Lapis. P-please, if this isn't getting Malachite back then j-just _stop_. This isn't _fair_ ,” the Quartz begged, with her only light at the end of the tunnel gone. Lapis wasn't going to give her Malachite after this, so Jasper wasn't going to give the blue gem her compliance to continue.

That slender hand gripped in mercilessly to mark in some bruises where they were grasped on Jasper’s chest.

“You bitch. Use your mouth for something better than begging,” Lapis scolded as she climbed up the Quartz’ torso, releasing the breast she had tinged with a few premature bruises. Before there was even time to do anything about it, Lapis was lined up over the Quartz’ face. Jasper began frantically shaking her head again.

“Stop it! Get _off_!!” Jasper screamed as she gave her back a slight arch to phase back into her uniform, only for Lapis to catch on and grab her hard by her thick hair, yanking aggressively enough to cancel the phase before the Quartz could redress herself.

Lapis kept her grip as she forcefully held Jasper from turning away, before fumbling to pull up her skirt again.

“Shut the fuck up, Jasper! I'm not putting up with your shitty attitude, and consider your chance to make this easy officially _gone_ now,” in a sudden drop, Lapis forcefully pushed her hips down on the Quartz’ face, grinding her slit’s wetness across her plump lips and chin when Jasper refused to open. The blue gem grounded on top her, and shifted even more weight onto the Quartz as she sat down, but Jasper still didn't open her mouth. With a hiss, Lapis lifted off and brought one of her hands down between her legs.

“Fucking bitch. Open your damn mouth or this _will_ get worse for you,” Lapis warned as she spread herself with one hand in expectation for Jasper’s resistance. And of course, the Quartz did just that.

“No! Get the fuck off, I'm not doing _this_ , brat!!” Despite every effort to sound assertive, Jasper’s words were a sorrowful choke.

Keeping her word, Lapis moved straight into her punishment, sitting back down on the Quartz’ face. Yet, instead of pushing her heat up against her lips again, Lapis actually slid herself up to press her clit down directly on Jasper’s gem, removing her hand from herself once she was completely on it. Harshly, she gave a rock of her hips, purposefully letting out a loud lewd moan as her swollen clit rubbed against Jasper’s gemstone demeaningly.

The Quartz shivered violently at the horrid sensation of Lapis grinding on the very core and soul of her being. Grinding as if the Quartz was just some toy to get off with. Jasper never felt so disgusted and degraded, as she desperately tried pulling her gemstone away, but the hand gripping into her hair refused to let her.

“Mmm, you don't feel so bad, Jasper. Maybe I could just poof you early and get myself off with your _gemstone_. Doesn't that sound fun to try?? It’ll save me from listening to all your pathetic whining.”

A painful dryness seized the larger gem’s throat, and her eyes started watering in heartbreak. This was so disgusting, that was her _gemstone_ Lapis was talking about. It was everything Jasper was, and it was all she will ever be. Yet here Lapis was, threatening to poof her and use the very core of her being just to get off. That's how little she valued the Quartz; not even as a body, and surely not as her own individual-- but as a toy, one she could break time and time again and always get back.

Never before has she been so humiliated. It was the most depersonalizing threat Lapis had ever given her, and the belittling only make Jasper feel pitifully weaker. Her whole body was aching, but her stomach was twisting with a new sense of nausea. This time around though, it was in response to the cruel abasement of the water gem treating Jasper so worthlessly. Like she wasn't even worth fucking as she was now, as if the Quartz would make a better fuck if it was just her gemstone so she wouldn't complain as much.

Lapis began running hard circles with her clit on the edge of her gem, ignoring the Quartz when hot tears rolled over her cheeks. Another shallow moan came out just so the blue gem could let Jasper know how much pleasure she was getting from this, and hearing it made the Quartz wince in hurt.

“Warned you I could get worse. How does it fucking _feel_ , Jasper? Was it worth being so _defiant_??”

The larger gem’s chest heaved with a bitter sob, and she squeezed her eyes shut to allow even more tears to bead off her lashes and down her face.

“T-that's my _gemstone_ , Lapis… how can you do this to my _gem_!?” Jasper's murmured back brokenly, in complete despair Lapis was treating her like this.

There was a cruel thrust of her hips up higher on the stone, as Lapis purposefully coated her arousal all over it. Jasper gave another awful shiver at the sensation; she could feel it all over her gem, and it was by far one of the worst experiences her stone had ever been put through.

“You're whining again. Fuck, it's annoying… maybe I _should_ just poof you,” Lapis threaten with a roll of her hips.

“No, no!! I'll comply this time, just please don't--!” The defeated Quartz pleaded, desperately trying to save herself from the one last humiliation of being just a meager poofed gemstone Lapis could grind on.

“I _would_ let you try eating me out again, but I don't know anymore, Jasper… your gem feels so _good_ ; it's cut at all the right angles…” she teased as her circles grew sloppier with speed to really emphasize herself.

“Let me try again!! I promise I'll be _better_ , just _please_ … g-get off my _gem_ , Lapis…” the Quartz desperately pleaded.

Lapis smirked, finally lifting herself off the abused stone, which now shined slick with all of the wetness she’d smeared on it.

“You’ve really done nothing to deserve it, but I’m nice enough to let you try. If you know what's best for you, don't be a fucking disappointment.” The blue gem threatened before dropping herself back onto Jasper’s mouth, finding it this time open and eager to appease her. Anything that would save her gemstone from being mishandled with such derogatory grinding, Jasper was going to do.

Fast to satisfy the blue gem, Jasper’s tongue rolled out to press its surface area on Lapis’ entrance, before swiping it up to running the tip over her clit. She heard a groan of approval; a warm, wet tongue felt so much better than Jasper’s gem. She didn't even let Jasper return for another swipe, as Lapis slammed her hips down and forcefully rubbed herself on her tongue. Rather than recoiling, the Quartz accepted the unnecessary cruelty and let herself choke slightly when she opened wider to let Lapis grind further on her tongue with a pant.

Jasper brought up her teary bleak eyes to Lapis, silently accusing her of treating her so terribly. But that made the water gem hiss, jutting up her hips to smear more arousal onto Jasper’s gem to put her back in her place.

“Don't look at me like that, you _whore_. You _asked_ to eat me out, so you're going to be fucking grateful.” Mercilessly, she groaned as she pushed herself harder along Jasper’s tongue, feeling the Quartz weakly lap back to combat the full weight Lapis was sinking on her. Jasper blinked off a few more hot tears dotting her lashes, a weary swipe of her tongue coming up to entertain Lapis nonetheless.

Lapis still wasn't getting close yet, and she gripped Jasper’s hair in frustration to cue her to go faster. But the Quartz complied with eyes squeezed shut, just trying to get this over with without any more unnecessary pain or degradation involved.

As if Lapis would actually let that happen, though. The blue gem twisted slightly to look behind her, noticing Jasper had her legs squeezed shut in remorse. With a breathy chuckle, she gave her free hand a fluid twist in the air, and Jasper’s eyes shot back open when she felt two more water chains capture around her knees and pry them violently apart. The motion was fast and spread her legs with no adjustment, burning her inner thighs to be held open with force.

Jasper stopped all movements, closing her mouth suddenly and forcing Lapis to move up and grind at the low facet point of her gem in frustration to keep her pleasure on the rise.

“I don't understand!! I'm doing what you _want_!!!” Jasper panicked, shuddering when she felt a thick clumsy tentacle of water stumble between her legs blindly to slot itself against her. Lapis was hardly looking over her shoulder to line it up with more precision, only giving slight twitches and twists of her fingers in the air to align it vaguely.

“Then keep doing that, because what I want _now_ is for you to ask for it,” Lapis slid along lazily against her gemstone before continuing, “Come on, whore. Tell me you _want_ me up you. Tell me you'd _love_ it.”

The Quartz gave a feeble shake of her head, her vocals seizing with a sob. She didn't want to comply anymore. Not if there was no point to it but to degrade her.

“Are you _deaf_?? Tell me what I want to hear, Jasper!!”

The larger gem whimpered pitifully beneath her.

“N-not unless you _promise_ me Malachite. If I do, you have to give me her for a few moments when we're done.” Jasper steadied out weakly between sobs, wanting a reason to endure all this. Even if it's just for a few minutes, she wanted that comfort and security of feeling strong again, at least so she could make it on after this without falling apart.

Lapis growled, getting closer to her climax and being more lenient just so she could get Jasper to cooperate.

“You fucking bitch…! Fine, I'll let you have her for few measly minutes if that's what you're _desperate_ enough to sell yourself for. I didn't know you _loved_ fusing with me that much--”

Jasper interrupted her with a low wince, and the blue gem glared down at her, confused.

“--Or, maybe it's not fusing that you love.”

Jasper already was blinking off more tears, getting squirmy where Lapis was grinding against her gemstone. It wasn't her fault they were fused for so long; she wouldn't harbor this unhealthy attachment to Lapis if it wasn't for the extent they had to share a body under the sea, alone with one another.

The blue gem threw her head back in laughter, and the Quartz felt the cold water tentacle against her weaken with Lapis’ distraction.

“Don't tell me, do you actually _love_ me Jasper!?? Ah--! No wonder you've been so compliant about letting me beat you up. Malachite really fucked you up, didn't she?” Lapis teased, glaring down to find the Quartz refusing to meet her eyes. Those once-sharp golden eyes were now destroyed and heartbroken, and Jasper hated that Lapis had one more thing to hurt her with. She was quick to use her new weapon, too.

“I want you to say that instead, now.” Lapis concluded, realigning the tentacle against Jasper to get them back on track.

Without even saying a word, Jasper threw her flustered and worried eyes up at Lapis, not fully sure what she wanted to hear anymore. After all, she was still going to go along with their deal-- she still wanted to have Malachite at the end of this, and it was a victory enough that Lapis actually agreed to it.

A twisted grin appeared on Lapis’ face. “Like I said before, tell me _you want me up you_. Tell me that _because you love me, you're going to do it_. Go on, Jasper.”

The Quartz gave another bitter sob as she dryly swallowed, tasting Lapis strongly in her mouth. Focusing all her mental energy, Jasper told herself whatever she does will be worth it at the end. She’ll get to have Malachite.

Keeping her mind strictly on that, she half-heartly granted Lapis what she wanted to hear.

“I want to have you inside me, Lapis. I love you and just want you inside me.”

As punishment for her poor acting and reluctant tone, Lapis gave a mercilessly thrust of her two fingers forward, slamming the thick tentacle deep into the dry Quartz. Screaming out in pain to the lack of preparation, Jasper sobbed out louder in agony, feeling like her insides were ripping open.

“You can't slide by with that shitty acting, Jasper! Here, how about I _show_ you how it's done…?” She hissed, purposely smearing herself generously on the gemstone she was grinding on.

Jasper was panting in pain, hesitantly opening her blurry eyes to look up in Lapis in confusion.

The tentacle began gently rocking into her, and Lapis blink twice down at the Quartz with soften eyes. There was a sensual bite of her lip, deepening her gaze into Jasper’s muddled golden eyes as she released a little sigh before speaking.

“I _love_ you, Jasper. I'm doing all this because I _love_ you,” Lapis cooed, almost mimicking passion behind her words but letting the facade crumble once her words were over, leading into an open laugh at how shaken it made the Quartz to mock her so convincingly.

Jasper’s lip quivered, knowing Lapis was messing with her. “S-stop that!! Don't you fucking say that to me!!!” She screamed as she felt the tentacle began pounding harder into her, making her gasp brokenly when Lapis continued her cruel taunting. She could feel herself get closer, and sped up her grinding and she replied.

“Ooh, I don't mean to hurt you so _badly_ , Jasper! I'm only doing this because I _love_ you.”

“Shut the fuck up! Stop saying _that_!!” Jasper barely sobbed back, starting to feel faint in her head. Those words hurt so bad to hear from the blue gem, and she just wanted it to all stop. She wanted Lapis out of her. She wanted Lapis off her gem. She wanted Lapis to stop mocking her.

She wanted Lapis to actually mean what she was saying. But she didn't, and it made Jasper wish that she would've let Lapis just poof her earlier and get off with her stone so she didn't have these blatant lies hurting her so badly.

Suddenly, she heard a gasp above her, and the tentacle inside her froze as Lapis collapsed onto her hands, slouching over and releasing Jasper’s hair as she cried out in climax. There was a few weak thrusts against her gemstone before Lapis whined in satisfaction, panting as she carelessly pulled the tentacle out of Jasper, whom gasped when it left her body. Her leg swung over to release the Quartz' face, and Lapis gave a sloppy stumble to stand back up.

Even after she took a few moments to steady her breathing back down, Lapis turn back around to see the Quartz silently weeping, keeping her head turned to the other side as her chest heaved erratically with her painful sobs. Lapis gave a flick of her wrist to release the water chains and return them, and it made the Quartz sigh in bitter exhaustion as she tugged her legs close. How she was still even here was beyond Lapis-- not only was her neck bruised darkly, but her entire torso was marred with bruises and discoloration from where Lapis kicked, even noting an odd color underneath parts of her abdomen to only lead Lapis to guess she kicked her hard enough to damage her organs enough to rupture some, clearly causing some sort of internal bleeding to make the Quartz’ skin look like that. The entirety of Jasper’s face was wet, combining an awful mixture of tears, blood, and Lapis’ wetness all over her that was difficult to distinguish when Jasper pitifully began wiping at her face, unintentionally further mixing the fluids all together. With a slight glance down, and Lapis could see her cunt was slightly leaking, partially with blood and partially with what water she left inside the Quartz when she carelessly withdrew the tentacle. How she wasn't poofed was nearly impossible, and Lapis scoffed in disgust.

“Look at you. You're a fucking mess-- here, come over so I can poof you. I'm going to be nice enough and cut this short, so you can get a few extra hours to regenerate just because of how _disgusting_ you look right now.”

Jasper shook her head sorrowfully, casting her eyes weakly over to Lapis. “Y-you promised to give me Malachite first!! You're not poofing me yet!”

Lapis tsked and crossed her arms. “You can have her later; you can't fucking fuse like that, Jasper. Your gem’s too strained.” She chided, before walking over to lean above the Quartz, reaching so that she could pull her gem free from her physical form and release Jasper from all this suffering.

But the larger gem quickly covered her stone with one of her hands, twisting away. “That's not _fair_ , Lapis!! I did _everything_ you wanted from me, just like I _always_ do, and you’re not even holding up your end of the deal!!” Another hand came up over her face to secure her gemstone away from Lapis, who narrowed her eyes in annoyance.

With a sigh, she climbed to straddle Jasper’s heavily bruised chest, hearing her wince but not be able to push the water gem off since she was guarding her gem. Lapis’ softened her eyes in sympathy, affectionately reaching a hand to gently caress Jasper’s larger one.

“I'm so _sorry_ , Jasper I didn't mean to hurt you so bad that we can't fuse… I really got carried away with this one, I can’t believe I fucking did _this_ \--” her voice faintly tremble, and she felt Jasper’s hand weaken under hers. “Please forgive me, Jasper I… I really do love you.”

The second those soft words left her mouth, Jasper dropped her hands from her face without thinking, genuinely believing the water gem for a moment. Only, the second she did so Lapis lunged forward and gripped where her gem met her skin, yanking back forcefully as Jasper cried out in pain.

Tearing the sad gemstone off, the body beneath her poofed in a burst, leaving nothing behind but the leftover blood and the grossly wet gem. Lapis huffed, pushing herself up and giving the gem in her hand a quick examination.

Besides being disgustingly coated in tears and Lapis’ wetness, Jasper’s gemstone was otherwise unharmed, and should bring back her prisoner without a hitch.

“ _Fuck_ , you're so gullible.” Lapis mocked despite her sigh of relief. In a haphazard toss, she flung the gem aside into the nearest corner for Jasper to reform back in later.

Slipping her panties back on, Lapis went over to one of the kiddie pools to wash off the stickiness her hands had from touching Jasper’s abused little gem. She made a face when she realized the water she used smelt funny now, and had a faint pinkish hue from the blood. Hopefully Peridot won't notice; she usually doesn't go near Lapis’ water.

Standing up straight, Lapis let out a fatigued sigh, knowing she had to find something to clean up the blood before Peridot came back.

After all, Jasper couldn't come back and do it, as she was going to need all the time she could to regenerate.

And for once, Lapis was going to give her a break and let her.

Because when she comes back, Lapis is going to have to finally confess to her; she had no intentions on giving her Malachite.

Because that, too, was a lie.


	2. Maybe This Is All That I Can Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what Lapis did, Jasper starts acting off. She can't keep pretending to be her normal self anymore, and Lapis mistakes it as her trying to be defiant.  
> Thus, she tries to punish her again. But this time Lapis just might've taken it too far, breaking at what little sanity Jasper has left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure sin and I had no reason to make it so painfully disturbing. Like seriously this is way more disturbing than it needed to be. I need to go bathe in holy water or something just to redeem myself.  
> Also, this chapter has penetrative fucking, just a warning. It's like the closest thing to straight sex I'll probably write lmao
> 
> Just like I said last chapter, sorry in advanceeeee
> 
>  
> 
> _((btw this chapter's[song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MJ8r7l4W3o) is great))_

“Ha-- You guys will never guess what me and Amethyst found while we were out--” Peridot cut her own introduction off upon entering the thinly covered front entrance of the barn, finding Lapis lounging indifferently on the couch watching some random show on the television whilst Jasper kept tightly to the barn’s far corner, puffy-eyed and heaving like she was having a panic attack.

“W-what’s going on…?” the confused gem sputtered, and Lapis knit her brow in feigned cluelessness, tossing her head over to where Jasper sat and giving her best surprised face, as if she just found out that Jasper’s been cowering in the corner for the last forty-something minutes since she’s been reformed. After Lapis informed her she still wasn’t giving her Malachite, Jasper went into a panic, of which the water gem was quick to get annoyed and leave her with.

“Oh my-- Jasper, are you alright?” Lapis softly questioned in front of Peridot, rising from where she sat. Nevertheless, she gave a subtle cross of her arms and narrow of her eyes; a warning that Jasper better kept her mouth shut if she ever wanted to have Malachite again.

But the Quartz knew she couldn’t be punished while Peridot was there; she openly threw an accusing glare at Lapis, before pushing her palm up to swipe underneath her eyes, composing herself to made up some stupid lie to keep Lapis’ dirty little secret hidden.

“The book I was reading was making me feel weird. I’m fine now,” the larger gem made up on the spot, and Peridot seemed to have bought it immediately, cocking her head with a laugh.

“A book made you cry!? Earth must _really_ be changing you, Jasper!” Peridot mused gleefully at the larger gem’s unusual sensitivity.

After all, the Quartz was visibly acting shaken up; she usually was able to fake her old attitude easily after coming back from her regenerations, but this time… It was too much. She couldn’t stop bringing a hand up to touch at her gem, reassuring herself it was untouched and clean of Lapis’ vile abuse. Her whole body felt disgusting and weak; remembering how vividly Lapis pleasured herself on her.

The water gem rolled her piercing eyes in front of Peridot. “I dunno, Jasper. It sounds like you’re really just getting worked up about _nothing_ there.” She undermined the Quartz, whom shuttered out a breath in regret. Jasper knew she might pay for her unusual behavior later; but Peridot was here, so she was safe for the night.

“Ah… _Well_ , back to what I was trying to say then, you’ll never guess what we found!” Peridot excitedly switched topics after not liking how odd the previous one was starting to turn. Jasper’s interest dropped off gloomily, but she kept her eyes on the green gem to feign attention. Meanwhile, she let her mind bitterly wonder through a cycle of negativity, pining over the horrid day she’s had with Lapis.

“What did you find?” Lapis offered to entertain the green gem, and Peridot made a large motion with her arms as she excitedly answered.

“Kittens! We stumbled upon three little strays, and now Amethyst agreed to raise them with me!!” She clasped her hands together in glee, and Lapis returned the excitement with a little snort of amusement. Jasper merely blinked thrice in confusion, her mind focusing back to what’s going on.

“What’s a kitten?” She dulled out, and a wide smile grew on Peridot’s face to get to show off her Earth knowledge.

“Oh! A kitten is the immature state of the cat species! They are cunning and fluffy, and came come in such diverse colors!” The Quartz slightly smiled hearing how ecstatic Peridot was to talk about these creatures so fondly, but she was still weary and growing more and more uncomfortable in the barn as her mind kept pestering her with repeated memories.

“What colors are the ones you got, Peri?” Lapis asked, whilst the Quartz rose slowly, making her way to the exit.

“Predominantly, they’re all grey-- Hey! Jasper, where are you going?? Don’t you wanna hear all the cool facts I know about cats??”

The Quartz threw a glance back over her shoulder, before giving a small frown. “Sorry Peri-- I’ve been cooped up here all day, and kinda wanna stretch my legs. Imma take a stroll about the fields,” Jasper purposely averted her eyes from Lapis’ so she didn’t get to catch her disapproval. She knows she was acting real brash, but honestly she just needed an hour or two away from the blue gem. At least, until her skin was no longer crawling from being near her.

“Um-- Okay, then well I hope you have a good--”

Jasper already exited before Peridot finished, but the green gem merely gave a slight groan in annoyance before turning back over to Lapis to gush about cats.

But this time around, it was Lapis who was lost in thought. Jasper was acting defiant again, and she was going to need to fix that soon.

But what could she do different to keep her prisoner in line?

 

\-----------------------

 

It was well past midnight and closer to dawn when Jasper finally sucked up enough willpower to return to the barn. She hoped to sneak in while Peridot and Lapis were distracted with their late-night TV bingeing, but upon entering the barn, she was hit with the horror that Peridot wasn’t there. Frantically, her eyes rapidly trailed throughout the entirety of the interior, in desperation to find the green gem.

“Peridot’s at the Temple. If you would’ve stuck around and bothered listening to what she had to say, you would have heard that she’s staying there to watch the kittens overnight.” Jasper heard a piercingly livid voice fill in.

A seizing pain overcame the larger gem, trembling to hear Lapis’ assertive voice chide her from across the room. She wouldn’t have come back if she knew Peridot was going to leave.

“Sorry there Jasper-- I’m sure you didn't know she only came for her tablet’s charger. You thought you had a safeguard tonight, _didn't_ you? Was that why you were acting up so _much_??”

The Quartz went to a sudden shake of her head, immediately having a pang of regret drop into her stomach. “ _Please_ , I-I've already regenerated once today. It was just really unfair you still won't give me Malachite--”

There was a slight chuckle cutting in from the blue gem. “You were throwing a fit over _her_?? Jasper, I’m only giving you Malachite when I think you've earned her. Throwing a fucking tantrum isn’t going to help.”

Jasper winced, already taking a subtle step back. She was still close enough to the exit to try escaping if she really wants to, but she could already see Lapis fumble her fingers around aimlessly to guide little waves in the water she kept in the kiddie pool; her command over the water was established and waiting, prepared to stop the Quartz at any moment if she dares run.

“But you _promised_. I did everything you wanted today in exchange for Malachite, and you still refuse to let me have her!” Jasper tried reasoning, doing her best to give some justified measures to save her from Lapis’ wrath.

“You didn't do it in exchange for Malachite; you were doing it because you're _mine_. You get her only when _I_ deemed you've earned her.” She indifferently argued back, completely going back on her word that Jasper was going to get Malachite for complying with her earlier that day.

“Lapis, y-you don't understand--” Jasper’s voice began to quiver, distressed and broken. Her words just barely carried a sob. “I-I _NEED_ Malachite…”

Lapis was losing Jasper’s obedience. She had to act fast to get the Quartz listening to her again.

“It's okay, Jasper-- don't cry!” The other gem immediately intervened with a surprising amount of sympathy in her voice. It was faked sympathy, but it's not like Jasper could tell. The Quartz bit her lip to still her trembling, being in compliance with how sweet Lapis’ voice sounded when she spoke.

“You don't need _her_ , you're my _perfect_ Quartz soldier,” Lapis continued, further enticing Jasper’s hesitant trust. Even if any sane person would recognize the manipulation in an instant, Jasper didn't. After all, her sanity was cripplingly damaged-- any gentle words she received from Lapis, she was going believe. If for anything, just to have something to ease her mind from the reality she was in.

“Look at you… You are _flawless_ as you are now. I know it's been rough between us, but it's not because I don't care… Come here, Jasper,” Lapis cooed with open arms, a soft smile ghosting her lips to invite the Quartz to come closer.

But Jasper could see the water subtly shake under her command.

“L-Lapis… I don't wanna… n-not _again_ …” Jasper broke out when a strike of logic hit her, knowing there was no good reason Lapis would want to embrace her. She was just trying to get the Quartz compliant again. And if she wanted the Quartz compliant, that means she planned on doing something Jasper wouldn't want.

A twitch of anger captured Lapis’ eyes for a split second to Jasper’s defiance, but she quickly muted it. This was about fixing Jasper’s attitude, and she was going to need the Quartz’ trust to get her to submit. She needed to keep up her gentle facade.

“I just wanted to _reward_ you for how good you were during our session today. I want to remind you how _happy_ you make me--”

“N-no. You're going to _pin_ me. I can see the water shaking under your command.” The Quartz reluctantly called out, noticing the tiny waves only intensifying as Lapis’ arms were held open to receive the larger gem. Her thick bottom lip began to tremble in betrayal.

Lapis’ eyes faltered again. “Come over here _now_ , Jasper. Don't you love me…?” Her voice was more forceful this time, bordering a command for the larger gem to come to her.

A bitter shake of her head was the only response Jasper gave, having to break her eyes off Lapis to contain herself. She hated that the blue gem would use that against her. Jasper’s love for Lapis only seemed to lead to bad things, but it wasn't something she could just decide to stop feeling. She wouldn't feel like this if she could.

The water gem’s arms dropped in anger, her tolerance with the Quartz thinning rapidly as her brow knit in irritation.

“Then maybe you need to be fucking _punished_ again. First you were rude to Peridot, and now me…? If I don't correct you, how are you going to stop??”

Another step back was taken by the Quartz, defensively folding her arms over her chest to hear Lapis’ anger again. “I wasn't rude to Peridot!” She pitifully claimed, as that was the only thing Lapis stated that she could reasonably retaliate against.

“Really now? You missed her entire discussions on cats. You’re supposed to be learning about Earth, and here you are, acting so ungrateful…” Jasper saw the surface of the kiddie pool’s water dance under Lapis’ control again, suddenly snapping with aggressive speed towards the Quartz. Jasper went to block herself with her forearms, but the water ended up coming to chain around her wrist and yank her down.

She landed with a rumbling thud as she hit the front of her body bluntly on the wooden floor, barely holding herself up with her elbows as the chains pinned her forearms tightly against the floor.

A searing pain shuddered through her, with those broken golden eyes watering in terror. It was happening again.

“But good thing I'm here, right? I can teach you what Peridot told me about cats right now. Would you want that, Jasper?? Or would you rather be beaten into your gem _again_ …?”

Not even giving it hesitation, Jasper glared up from where she was against the floor, replying in a heartbeat. “I'll _learn_ \--! I-I'll listen to everything you teach me-- _please_ , I don't want to go back to my gem!!” She begged with a feeble push against the floor, combating her restraints in vain. Why Lapis actually cared to tell her about cats was beyond her, but Jasper will take that any day over getting beaten.

Lapis grew a wide smile, strolling up to stand in front of the Quartz with a cross of her arms.

“Good, that's what I wanna hear. Let's start with the kittens; do you know where they come from, Jasper…?”

The Quartz stuttered in slight fear of the sinister undertone Lapis’ voice had.

“O-organic copulation??” She guessed with a stressed knit of her brow; from what little she knew of Earth, she was aware that the very few organic species reproduced asexually. There was a chance cats could've been one of them; Jasper wouldn't know though.

But Lapis nodded her head, cueing the Quartz was right. “Correct, they copulate. And cats are a species that mate very oddly here; the females go around begging to be mounted, behaving nice and submissively towards potential mates to get rewarded.” Lapis elaborated the information rather dully, but there was a slight glint in her eyes when she spoke. Quickly, Jasper was seeing where this conversation was turning, and desperately tried to stop it.

“W-wait, never mind. I-I take it back, I don't mind if you beat me again, I rather not learn about cats--”

“ _Shut up_. You wanted to learn, so I'm going to fucking _teach_ you.” Aggressively, Lapis growled as she left Jasper’s line of sight from where the Quartz was on the floor, who was lying flat on her stomach save for where she was propped up by her elbows. A tremble crept under her skin to hear Lapis stand behind her without having the dangerous blue gem in her sight, and Jasper’s stomach had a coil of fearful anticipation to what exactly Lapis was going to teach her.

“I was thinking you could learn something from that: submission is rewarded, defiance is not.” The words sounded sharp and vengeful, and Jasper’s head immediately felt vague and fuzzy in this position with Lapis behind her; she just wanted to curl up in herself and pretend this wasn't going to happen again.

Suddenly, there was a slight tap on the back of her thigh from Lapis’ foot.

“Ass up, Jasper. If you want me to _reward_ you with Malachite, you’re going to show me you can be _submissive_ first.”

Jasper felt a painful clench seize her chest, piercing an icy shock through her system screaming for her to keep her hips down, even if that meant upsetting Lapis further. With a hard swallow, the subdued Quartz tightly close her eyes in turmoil. What could she honestly do? It's either submit and obediently follow on the impossible chance Lapis was sincere about giving her Malachite, or resist and get beaten down into compliance. Either way, the chances of actually fusing was slim, and it wasn't hard to put two and two together and deduce Malachite was another lie to get the Quartz obeying and trusting Lapis’ word. But Jasper wasn't going to fall for that again.

A torturous draw of air filled her lungs, chilly and wrapped in the quiet of night. Lapis was waiting.

“No! I'm not letting you fucking _mount_ me. It’s over, Lapis. You're not _ever_ gonna give me Malachite, so I'm done playing prisoner.” The pinned Quartz growled, and Jasper was internally surprised she could summon such compelling words against Lapis. She ended it… They're done.

As an extra measure, the larger gem yanked violently at her restraints, signaling she wasn't going to let this happen to herself again. She was going to fight it, because that's the last thing she can do.

But the wasn't a single word from the water gem. Teeth grinding and fists clenching, she was overflowing with sheer rage that the Quartz had the audacity to try and end this.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?!? Did you think those were some magical words to make this all go away!?! You are my _prisoner_ , Jasper. Whether or not you agree means _nothing_ to me.”

A punishing heel slammed down on the Quartz’ upper back along with a violent tug forward from her chained wrists, sending Jasper to land forward on the side of her face. The motion dazed her momentarily, not giving her enough time to resist the creep of water sneaking beneath her and pushing up against her hips.

At first, Jasper growled and pushed back against them, until Lapis’ heel struck down on her back again, this time at her lower spine to sap her resistance in the split second it took to overpower her hips, forcing her rear up in the air.

“Fucking _stop it_!! The Quartz screamed with a mix of aggression and fear, going to force her hips back to the ground until she discovered the water that was previously underneath her hips moved to chain her legs to the floor at her knees.

She was stuck in that position.

Low and mockingly, Lapis chuckled, despite the obvious exhaustion Jasper could hear in her laugh. It was hard to fight the Quartz at her full strength, even with the water.

“Did you think you can actually do better without _me_?!? You're a Quartz soldier!! You're _worthless_ unless someone gives you commands… Do you understand that?!? You need _me_!!!”

A trickle of doubt made Jasper shiver, squirming slightly in her difficult position when she felt fingers grip into her hips. They dug in sharply, feeling like knifes until Jasper realized Lapis had shapeshifted claws to shred at her uniform. She didn't even bother commanding the Quartz to phase it off this time.

“I don't _need_ you!! It's the other way around, Lapis… _You_ need a prisoner!!” Despite her words starting off strong, Jasper’s tone unintentionally broke when she finished speaking, realizing her throat felt tight and dry when she felt the fabric from her hips down to her mid-thighs shredded off, leaving careless nicks in the Quartz’ skin whenever the claws gripped into flesh instead of cloth. Jasper feebly squirmed again, feeling herself entirely exposed to Lapis but unable to move away.

“You know, I kinda miss your whining now. Your attitude is _way_ worse to deal with… I expect an apology by the end of this.” Lapis’ voice was cold, and remarkably composed considering getting a tad out of hand just a minute ago. But Jasper heard a stifled snivel at the end, and although her cheek was press against the floor and kept her from looking back, she knew the water gem was growing distressed at Jasper’s accusation. Lapis really did need a prisoner.

“ _Apology_!?! Why the hell would I??” Jasper hissed, even though her own eyes were beginning to blink off a few tears in discomfort to her exposure.

“Because I _said_ so, and by the end of this you’ll remember why you should listen to what you're fucking _told_.” At that, Lapis pushed herself against Jasper, having to stand just so their hips could align. The move was only a threat, as Lapis was still fully clothed, but in doing so Jasper could feel something firm press between her legs through the fabric of the skirt.

It should've been relieving, but oddly enough it scared the Quartz even more. She could easily take whatever Lapis shapeshifted under that skirt with her sheer size, but having it press against her entrance set off alarms in her head that this was really going to happen. It wasn't going to be water this time.

She couldn't help but whimper, feeling an overwhelming burn seize all her muscles in fear, pleading to pull away from where Lapis’ hips were against her. But there was nowhere to go, and Jasper tried shutting her eyes and accepting this was just going have to play out. But while her mind was desperate to just accept it so she could mentally prepare herself for what was obviously going to happen, her body was trembling with a cold sweat in stain to reflexively get away. She couldn't relax no matter how many times she told herself to accept it.

Of their own accord, Lapis’ hips pulled back away from the Quartz. Jasper’s stomach clenched in nausea when she heard Lapis’ skirt and panties fall to the floor, followed by a shaky sigh from the blue gem.

“My word still stands, Jasper. Submission is _rewarded_ , and defiance is _not_. How bad this plays out depends on you.” The voice that spoke behind Jasper was intimidating, unfairly shifting the responsibility to how much Lapis was going to hurt her onto the Quartz.

A soft hand kneaded gently into her outer thigh, and Jasper let out a pained sigh that Lapis dared taunt her with such a tender move.

“Do you understand, Jasper…?” Lapis asked softly, as to persuade the Quartz down the submissive route. The larger gem wished her arms weren’t pinned in front of her, because her vision was heavily blurred with tears from listening to Lapis’ gentle voice. She desperately wished to wipe them away. Jasper wanted to pretend Lapis didn't get to her whenever she pretended to care like that.

“I understand. P-please just get it _over_ with--” Jasper murmured, weakly trying to still act defiant but stuttering enough to lose the prideful edge her voice usually had. The words sounded pathetic.

The kneading hand moved to caress her hip, and the larger gem wanted to sob at how convincingly affectionate Lapis was acting.

“If you beg for me, I'll be nice enough to prepare you with some foreplay. I'd rather not hurt you.” The water gem cooed sweetly, trying to convince Jasper to act docile and compliant by means of false affection. The more she sounded like she cared, the more difficult she made it for Jasper to act up; but the Quartz already knew Lapis couldn't care less how much she hurts her. Beneath the tenderness, Lapis was just trying to get her to beg again.

Biting her lip, Jasper considered the offer; a little begging could save her a lot of pain, after all. In exchange, however, was the skeleton of her withering pride, because giving in would show Lapis she was ready to be submissive again. And while the Quartz wasn't that desperate yet, she could feel herself getting close.

Ignoring it though, the larger gem tried to mental convince herself she wouldn't need foreplay, even if she was telling herself a lie. Lapis was small, after all. Whatever is shifted between her legs can’t be too bad to take unprepared, although Jasper partially wished she had the ability to turn around and see for herself.

With a mental grasp on what was left of her pride, Jasper finally answered with a sorrowfully hollow voice.

“I'm _not_ begging. If that means you're going into me dry, then so be it.”

The hand at her hip turned malicious real fast, gripping into the flesh in anger to being denied again. “You really could learn from _cats_ , Jasper. Those who aren't submissive pay the price--”

With no indication at all, Lapis rammed her hips forward, thrusting into the Quartz’ tight dry entrance, pausing when she was pushed all the way in.

There was a sharp yelp of pain to feel the raw friction against her walls, but other than that Jasper took Lapis in remarkably well. The water gem hadn't moved after she'd pushed herself in, and Jasper didn't know why she was waiting.

It gave her time to pay closer attention to the uncomfortably dry stretch inside her, trying to distinguish what exactly Lapis thrusted into her. Jasper winced having to think on it, but she concluded it felt like the blue gem had shifted a tentacle.

But something was wrong. It didn't feel right, the shape or the texture felt… off. Almost as if Lapis added something extra. Jasper didn't know what it was but the mix of fear and pain got to her, and she felt her pride slip further away as she cried in terror to the gem mounting her.

“What did you put _inside_ me?!? Lapis, pull _out_!!” There was no hiding the panic in her voice at this point, and it earned a breathy chuckle from Lapis.

“I don't think you want me doing that. There's another thing I thought you should learn about cats, Jasper…” The blue gem steadied a secure grip with each hand on the Quartz’ hips before continuing. “...They have barbs on their dicks.”

Suddenly, Lapis finally pulled back, and with that motion the hooked barbs on her tentacle raked Jasper’s dry walls without mercy.

Instantly, she screamed. It was worse than going in dry. It was worse than having the thick water tentacle up her.

Cheek pressed up against the wooden floor, the Quartz couldn't do anything but sob in agony. Her sensitive, unprepared walls were now gashed and raw, and she desperately wanted to hold her abdomen to cradle the searing pain rippling through her.

She didn't even have time to adjust when Lapis thrusted back into her, and while the barbs were only angled to rake her when the tentacle is being pulled out, it still stung sharply just to have that friction against her devastated insides. But now that she was in, it means she was going to pull back out again, and Jasper sobbed a plea before Lapis could rake her once more.

“N-no!! I’ll _beg_!! I'll beg and I'll beg if you want me to, but I… _I can't take this_ , Lapis--!”

Any sliver of pride was gone. Any speckle of resistance was dead. Jasper was panting and sobbing in unbearable torture, and she was finally ready to play the submissive route to get herself out in one piece.

The blue gem moaned, in part due to the sudden willingness Jasper had to beg and in part due to the delicious clench she felt around her tentacle when Jasper’s body tensed in pain.

“Fucking bitch, who said the offer is still on the table? You rather have me in dry, remember??” A little tug back teased the barbs with a slight scrape to emphasize, and Jasper let out a distressful yelp in reluctance.

“I was _wrong_!! Lapis, _p-please_ \-- It hurts too m-much--”

The water gem had to bite back a grin to how eager the Quartz was to submit to her.

“You're lucky I'm forgiving. You get one last chance not to fuck this up, and if you disobey me one more time, I won't hesitate to mount you until you dissipate your form.” The threat was cruel and aggressive, but Lapis’ words were noticeably laced with excitement. Everything was playing into her hands rather nicely, in spite of Jasper’s initial efforts against it.

“Whatever you _want_... I-I’ll… I’ll do it...”

Sinisterly intrigued, the smile on Lapis’ face widened at the whimpering from Jasper. She’s finally broken whatever pride or self-respect the Quartz mustered to try and end this, and even without dangling the promise of Malachite in front of her, Jasper was willing to obey. That’s how far Lapis had ruined her: Jasper was down to the basic instinct of self-preservation at this point, and was willing to sacrifice anything just to take the pain away.

“Took you long enough to learn your fucking place.” Despite threatening her previous offer as being gone, Lapis leaned forward to snake a slender hand under Jasper, blindly feeling down her stomach until she was at her clit. It was hard keeping herself still where she was inside the Quartz, but even Lapis knew Jasper wouldn’t make it long if she continued with the larger gem as dry as she was.

“Go on. _Beg_.” Lapis held two fingers just over the Quartz, refusing to touch her until Jasper earned it.

Still panting in pain despite the lack of further movement Lapis made inside her, Jasper winced in confusion.

“Wh-what do you want me to beg for…?” She submissively murmured, asking what Lapis wanted to hear. The Quartz wasn’t going to risk saying something wrong.

“Beg for my _forgiveness_. Tell me how fucking _sorry_ you are for acting up so badly.”

A flutter of lightheadedness went over Jasper, slipping further into a numb, docile state to salvage her sanity after this. Whatever would even be salvageable, that is.

“I’m so so sorry, Lapis. Please forgive me, I won’t disobey again. I’ll be _whatever_ you want me to be. I’ll be _submissive_... I’ll be _obedient_....” While it was the Quartz’ voice that replied, it was a deep emptiness inside her that was responding. Jasper wasn’t saying it. That wasn’t something she would; but she was broken and withdrawing as much personalization as possible from her body, letting the most basic instinct of fear take the reins.

“You should be grateful I’m so tolerate. You’d be nothing without me.” Lapis let her fingers roll little circles on the Quartz’ clit as a reward, but Jasper hardly felt it. Her body was so numb. The pain in her abdomen was dulling out too, though, so she didn’t care that the pleasure of Lapis rubbing her felt distant and desensitized. As long as her body responds to it and lets her get wet enough to move on, Jasper couldn’t care if the pleasure was vague.

“Tell me that, Jasper. Tell me how _worthless_ you are without me.” The water gem’s voice was already sounding more like a moan, but she was valiantly keeping her hips still against the Quartz.

“I… I’m…” Jasper hesitated, hating those words so much. She tried to slip even deeper into the numbness, letting fear respond so she wouldn’t have to think too much about the words coming from her mouth. “...I’m _worthless_. I’m nothing without you.”

There was a hum of approval, and Lapis worked her fingers more diligently over Jasper’s clit in response. After a few more moments of stimulation, the hand moved down to skim a finger around the rim of Jasper’s slit where Lapis was completely sheathed at, feeling the slight wetness the Quartz gotten from the toying. The reaction was completely physical, with Jasper’s body merely compensating from the rubbing; any actual pleasure from it was absent at this point.

Deeming the larger gem ready, Lapis pull back without a warning with another low moan. The barbs raked against her tender walls once more, and while it still hurt beyond any reasonable measure, Jasper was now wet enough to bite back a cry of pain at the tearing sensation.

The second she pulled back, Lapis thrusted right back in again, this time moving to keep a fluid rhythm rather than pause every time Jasper needed to adjust to the pain. Despite the compliance and submission from the Quartz, she was merciless to keep the thrusts unnecessarily rough, as it made Jasper’s body clench around her in pain whenever she did so, with the tightness too delicious to turn away.

Jasper didn't even feel like herself. She let herself become empty and numb to hide away in her own mind and mute the world around her. Dissociating was her only defense left to save herself.

“ _Mmnn_ … You’re a fucking _whore_ , you know that?? Actually getting wet from all this… Fucking pathetic…” Heavy with pleasure, Lapis ravished the rough pacing as she picked up her speed, completely ignoring the little noises of reluctance Jasper was making.

Both hands moved to keep a firm grip at Jasper’s large hips, holding her steady as the Quartz began trembling. It was just her body’s natural response to get wet when Lapis rubbed her, and Jasper wished she could say how much she hated this. While she let those bitter thoughts linger in her head for a few seconds, she quickly had to dismiss them. Obedience was her only salvation; entertaining such defiant thoughts will only make it worse, even if it was just in her head. Any sensation from her body right now was agonizing, but she knew it could be worse if she upsets Lapis again. The sooner she just accepts this and lets it ride out, the quicker it’ll go by. And if she sinks into the numbness and dissociate her mind from reality, then just... maybe it won’t be so bad. The only comfort Jasper could even hold onto at this point was that this was going to end eventually. And until it ends, she was going to shut her mind off.

An angled thrust hit deeper into her, but Jasper wasn’t making noises anymore. She’d stop crying too, and it sunk a coil of rage in the water gem. It was like fucking a doll with how emotionless and unresponsive the Quartz became.

Ranking her shapeshifted claws along Jasper’s side, the Quartz screamed in agony as Lapis forcefully pulled her back to reality. She wasn’t going to let the Quartz close her eyes and pretend this wasn’t happening. Jasper didn’t get to escape it that easy.

“ _Listen_ when I speak to you! Don’t you fucking zone out!” Lapis scolded as she left fresh gashes above her hips. It bombarded Jasper with her bodily pain once more, stealing away her numbness as her body began burning in sheer torment again. She could feel blood running down her side where Lapis slashed her. Hell, she could even feel blood run down her inner thighs too, but it was coming from different gashes.

“I’m _s-sorry_ \--!” The whimper was just loud enough for the blue gem to hear, and she could note how strained Jasper’s voice was. Nevertheless, Lapis punishingly sped up even more, losing her pacing as she grew desperately sloppy. She was getting close.

The sloppiness dragged the barbs inside the Quartz in all the wrong ways, and she crippled back into her sobs since Lapis wasn’t going to let her numb it out and shut her mind off from the pain.

There was a lewd moan to hear Jasper crying again. The blue gem loved it.

“That’s it… _Mmn_ … Fucking accept this. No, actually, tell me you _want_ this…” Lapis commanded, with a purr of pleasure lacing her tone.

Jasper whimpered again; she mustered up enough willpower to obey, knowing Lapis will punish her if she sounds too fake.

“Y-yes… I want this... I like it wh-when you’re inside m-me,” Her voice was a shutter, and Jasper cringed at her own words. This was disgusting. How she could even let herself say that was devastating in itself.

Another harsh slam buried Lapis deep inside her, and she groaned at Jasper’s words. When she didn’t pull out, the Quartz began fretting in worry to why Lapis wasn’t moving, thinking she accidentally angered her again until she felt a hard pulse followed by an odd sensation fill her abdomen with something hot.

Lapis was coming inside her. Jasper really wished she didn’t feel it so vividly inside her-- it was horrible. Her body was built for wars, for bringing victory… but Lapis was using it like it was her toy. At this point, the blue gem owned the Quartz’ body more so than Jasper did; Jasper didn’t have any say when she got beaten, or what position she was in, or whether or not Lapis got to come inside her.

Sighing in satisfaction, the spent tentacle lazily tugged out, with Lapis straightening up and stepping back. After a few pants to catch herself after her climax, the blue gem gave a smooth rub down her abdomen and shapeshifted back to her vulva, before finishing and glance up at Jasper’s own. After all, she was still pinned with her rear present to her, and Lapis could see a combination of come and blood slowly run over her muscular thighs.

Also aware, Jasper felt it as it traveled down, and sobbed harder at how disgusting she felt.

With an insensitive scoff, Lapis motioned with her hand to retract the water chains, and finally allowed the Quartz’ hips to fall limply to the floor. The thud made her wince when it sent a sting through her, and Jasper bleakly pushed her face off the floor to move into a fetal huddle. Finally, she could now hold her abdomen in a desperate move of self-comfort, giving herself soft gentle circles under her navel as if she was trying to apologize to her own body for going through this with her.

There was a sad little hiss of pain when Jasper’s rubbing accidentally grazed the edge of one of her side’s gashes, blinking off a few hot tears at the ache. She whined at how torn up she was.

“Stop _whimpering_. It’s really pathetic.” The blue gem harshly chided as she reached for her skirt and underwear.

“Lapis… P-please…” Jasper mournfully turned her head up at the blue gem, and Lapis was surprised how dull the Quartz’ eyes looked when she spoke. They weren’t golden anymore.

“Please… _Shatter me_ …”

Lapis was taken aback, and while she would’ve scolded the Quartz for speaking so out of line, she could see how vague and lost her once-golden eyes were.

Jasper was sincerely asking for death over being her prisoner.

“N-no. You’re _not_ leaving me.” Lapis concluded coldly, taking a few steps to kneel next to the Quartz. “I’ll let you spend the rest of the night in your gem because you took me up you so well, but you’re not fucking _leaving_.”

There was a bitter shake of Jasper’s head, as she gave a sloppy wipe across her face to smear her tears against her cheek. “I-I’ll tell Peridot what you did. I’ll tell _everybody_. You have to shatter me if you don’t want them knowing you _did this to me_.”

Her threat was pitifully weak, but backed by her seriousness.

Lapis scowled that Jasper was trying to threaten her, and tried to reason back to get the Quartz to settle down.

“You think they’ll actually believe you?? Just fucking _try_ telling them, and I’ll go right around and say _you_ were the one who forced yourself on _me_. Who are they going to believe, Jasper?!? The brutish Quartz who’s been here for a month, or their dear friend?”

The larger gem sucked in a little pained gasp that Lapis would dare spin the situation on her. “Th-that’s not fair! You can’t fucking do _that_!!”

An unsympathetic hand came across to slap the Quartz, echoing a loud smack in the dark barn.

“You don’t get to talk to me like that. Just for that, you don’t get to go into your gem.” This time, Lapis only left marks in places the Quartz’ uniform covered, so she didn’t need to worry as much about anything being visible.

Jasper’s eyes widen in utter shock, and she feebly rubbed the side of her face. “Y-you can’t leave me like this! I’m... I’m _bleeding_! You _tore_ me!!”

Lapis gave an indifferent shrug. “It’ll ease up after an hour or so. Try not walking for a while.”

Jasper growled lowly, more so in desperation than aggression. “If you leave me like this then I’ll _show_ Peridot. It might be your word against mine, but you’re not the one _gashes inside them_.”

For the first time since their little ordeal, Lapis got a spike of panic in her. If Jasper really was desperate enough to show herself to Peridot, then there was no way Lapis could spin the situation in her favor. And at this point, Jasper made it clear that she was going to do everything in her power to coerce the smaller gem into shattering her.

There was a soft sigh in defeat from Lapis. She really only had one more card up her sleeve now, and she had no choice but to play it.

“Fine, Jasper then… I’ll _fuse_ with you. Instead of shattering you, we can finally fuse. No more lies this time. We can be Malachite for a little bit, but after we unfuse you can’t go back to your gem. And if you dare tell Peridot what I did, you’ll never get Malachite again.”

A shimmer of gold returned to her eyes, and Lapis swore she saw genuine excitement in the Quartz.

“R-really?? You’ll _actually_ give me her???” Her voice flutter with undertones of yearn, restored at the notion she could get to fuse again. Even if only for a few moments, that sliver of strength and security that she will get from Malachite was the only incentive she needed to remain Lapis’ prisoner.

Lapis broke her eyes away with a bitter nod, before pushing off the ground and gesturing for Jasper to join her, as she was still huddle on the ground. Quicker than she probably should have, the Quartz weakly pushed herself up and gave a wince as she stumbled to stand, too excited at the prospect of Malachite to mind the raw gashes screaming in reluctance for her to move. Lapis saw a few droplets of blood consequently trickle to the floor from between her legs, and the larger gem winced. Jasper’s gem was too overly strained to easily fuse, but Lapis was willing to put in the extra effort it’ll take to keep their light together.

A slender hand outstretched towards Jasper, and Lapis kept her eyes averted away.

“Come on. Let’s fuse.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm suing myself for bringing cats into this.  
> And so sorry there's tentacle fucking in this, don't know whether or not you guys care about what genitalia is involved, but feel free to leave a comment if you have a preference. Also leave comments telling me whether or not this chapter was disturbing, because idk if I need to tone it down or not. Already uped this fic to four chapters because I got even worse ideas but gotta find out if I can roll with them.
> 
> To the people who've actually commented good things about this fic, thank you because this fic is a train wreck of angst and suffering. I was prepared for everyone to hate me for it lmao  
> Anyways, other than that, expect an update in a week or so c:


	3. Don't Tell Them Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malachite is a disaster, and Lapis feels the consequences of fusing with a gem as psychologically destroyed as Jasper. Lapis' own mind starts to unravel with guilt, and she blames Jasper for her pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got carried away with metaphors and symbolism in this one whoops

Once her body was lost in a tangle of Lapis’ overpowering light fusing their forms together, Jasper felt a surge of the water gem’s power and security invade deep into her mind and flood her consciousness with comforting strength. Without hesitation, the Quartz submitted full control to the blue gem over Malachite, not even bothering entertaining a power struggle as she ravished in the trickles of confidence and mental stability she received from Lapis’ side of their fusion. For the first time in a while, her body didn't feel utterly disgusting. And even though she thought she long forgotten the feeling, her mind felt reassured and at ease.

Of course, Jasper was doing nothing short of leeching off Lapis’ mental strength and confidence. But she had none of her own to provide, so she was eager to soak in what Malachite’s fusion was giving her. The Quartz’ mind wasn't riddled purely with despair and self-hatred anymore; she got to share Lapis’ state of mind, and feel what it is like to be powerful once again.

But, sadly for Lapis, she got to share Jasper’s mind too.

And Jasper felt horrifying.

Lapis could feel the vivid terror of Jasper’s self-disgust overwhelm her, infecting her own consciousness into feeling the same. From what skin they now shared together, it shivered in discomfort with itself, and Malachite immediately doubled over in pain when she inherited merely half the damage Jasper had on her insides. While the Quartz was able to feel a distinct improvement, as her agonizing pain lessened (though still clearly being present) by being in Malachite, Lapis was pulled suddenly and abruptly into the bodily torment she inflicted on Jasper.

It was vile. It was agonizing. And it wasn't even the full force of what Jasper felt when unfused; the pain Malachite suffered was merely a dulled down taste of the Quartz’ suffering. But even that was too much.

While Jasper may be feeling better, Lapis was absolutely miserable. There was so much pain, both inside her mind and seizing their body. Her consciousness was recoiling from Jasper’s own, fleeing the source of distress. It made Malachite waver in stability, and with the Quartz too strained and weakened to help keep them together, Malachite fell apart.

In a disorderly flash, the separate gems abruptly unfused back, both falling onto the floor without either gem bothering to catch themselves. The landings were blunt and hard; Jasper left out a cry of alarm from the impact stinging through her devastated body, while Lapis couldn't care less and let out a relieved sigh that she no longer felt the Quartz’ tormenting pain.

“L-Lapis--!” Jasper yelped out accusingly, as the blue gem let their fusion fall apart without even letting Malachite exist for a few moments.

But Lapis shot a cold, livid glare at the Quartz, blaming her for the horrid feelings that plagued her mind while they fused.

“What the fuck was _that_ , Jasper?!? What the hell did you _do_?!?!” She hissed with pure rage, sharply pushing off the ground and still trembling slightly with the afterglow of Malachite’s pain haunting her mind. She charged towards the Quartz where she laid, and leaned to grab aggressively onto her tattered uniform’s collar. Jasper’s eyes immediately widen in terror to the blue gem’s unreasonable anger.

“I didn't do anything! I gave you full control!!” The Quartz desperately pleaded, although tragically confused what could've enraged Lapis so much. She wasn't aware of the immense despair she inflicted on her by sharing a mind and body. From her side, everything had felt incredibly better, just merely in comparison to the pain of not having Lapis’ strength and security at all.

A harsh fist slammed against the Quartz’ jaw as punishment for not giving a helpful answer, and the force was enough to knock Jasper out of Lapis’ grip and back onto the floor with a wince.

“Why did Malachite feel so _awful_?!? She didn't feel like that before, so I know you fucking did something!!” Lapis continued with the abuse, throwing in a spiteful kick into Jasper’s gashed side, making her scream in torment to the raw impact seizing her already tender and slashed skin. The blue gem seethed in further annoyance when the kick caused the top of her foot to collect a blanket of Jasper’s warm blood.

“Please… Please _stop_ \--!” The Quartz panted out between her sobs of pain, with her body wholly unprepared to endure any more devastation than it was already in. “I didn't do it on purpose… Th-that's just how I always feel… Lapis, you… You _made_ me feel like that” Jasper ended up whimpering, wrapping her arms around her destroyed abdomen to protect it from further harm.

“Don't you fucking _dare_ blame me!! Malachite wouldn't feel so awful if you weren't so pathetically _weak_!!!” Lapis ended her words with another violent kick, hitting Jasper directly under her sternum in retaliation to the Quartz guarding her lower abdomen from her. The impact made her curl in more, heaving at the blunt impact knocking into her upper stomach. It made bitter acid sting in her throat at her stomach’s forceful expulsion, but since there wasn't anything to actually heave up she just spat up a bit of bile at Lapis’ feet.

The water gem’s expression twisted in revulsion, and she stepped her bloodied foot down on the side of Jasper’s face, rubbing down her heel vengefully.

“You’re fucking disgusting. You _ruined_ Malachite. Now she's just as worthless as _you_.” Jasper barely processed the furious words before the foot came up, then slammed down on the side of her skull with a splintering smack.

The Quartz would've cried out, but the hit made her vision darken for a moment when thunderous throb erupted inside her head, disorienting her from stopping Lapis as she rammed her heel down once more, this time against her shoulder.

A horrible snap sounded off, as Jasper’s collar bone shattered under the brutal impact.

The Quartz’ scream pierced the air, and the sensation in her arm numbed out with burning pins and needles stinging under her skin. She released her abdomen to cup her hand over the slumping shoulder, holding it in place as she squeezed her eyes shut at the searing pain of the splintered bone jutting out from under her skin, visibly bulging from where it was split down the center.

“This. Is. Your. Fucking. _Fault_.” Lapis pronounced, with an unforgiving kick into the Quartz’ heaving chest at each word.

Hyperventilating, Jasper couldn't even open her eyes clearly with how blurred they were from hot tears running off her face, as her body was overwhelmed at the shattering pain of her clavicle splitting at the same time as the swelling damage that throbbed against her skull. Something warm began to seep down over her forehead, and Jasper just barely processed that it was blood.

But losing even more blood was the least of her concerns, even when it began fuzzing the corners of her vision and causing her mind to wobble vaguely in and out of consciousness. After all, another blunt kick moved down to hit hard into her now-exposed abdomen, over and over, until the raw gashes inside her were splitting open wider. Freshly agitated, her slashed walls forcefully trickled even more crimson from between her legs, causing her inner thighs to run thick with fresh blood.

There was nothing Jasper could do but weep at every impact, with her body forcibly seizing in a tense at every shot of pain that overwhelmed her.

Sometime after the dozenth kick, her body finally caved from the torture, and everything in her mind turned black as Jasper’s body vanished with a mortifying burst.

The Quartz finally escaped, even if it was from being poofed from existence. Now Lapis couldn't hurt her further, and Jasper can finally rest.

Even if it isn't for long.

 

\-----------------------

 

The obedience Lapis had fermented in her was too strong, and operated involuntarily out of panic. Therefore, in early dawn, Jasper’s gem glimmered with light as she reformed. Despite the destruction of her body requiring a massive amount of gem energy to patch up, Jasper did a rush job in fear of further punishment if she overstays her rest in her gem.

Unceremoniously, her newly-reformed body fell onto the floor, with a few exhausted pants from the rush she had to repair herself with alongside the fatigue bombarding her mind to be back into the painful world. It shouldn't surprise her Lapis didn't care enough about her to shatter the poor Quartz out of existence, but Jasper nevertheless brought her hand up to feel along her gemstone to be sure. Tragically, however, her stone was in flawless condition.

And that was when the Quartz heard the stifle of a bitter sob, and hastily looked up in alarm. There was where she found Lapis, curled up on the couch without even having the TV on, wiping off her tears desperately as she gave an unsteady stand at Jasper’s return.

For hours, ever since Jasper’s been poofed, the sorrowfully blue gem had been distressfully crying at the memory of how painful it was to be Malachite. She thought it would wear off, but the somber ache of despair hovered over her heavily when she was left alone. Since Jasper vanished, Lapis was unable to project all her pain and hatred out on her, and the full effects of fusing with such an emotionally destroyed gem finally hit her like a vice.

She had felt the pain she inflicted on Jasper while they were fused. And it wasn't a burden she tolerated having, as her rage immediately deflected blame back onto Jasper, now that she was back to take it.

“Are you… crying??” The Quartz huffed out, fatigue heavy in her voice from the speedy regeneration. It didn't hide the undertones of fear woven in her words, though.

“Don't fucking talk to me. You're _awful_ , I can't even look at you,” the blue gem bitterly hissed, harshly averting her eyes away. There was a churn of subtle guilt in her stomach that she made Jasper so devastatingly broken. Under normal circumstances she wouldn't feel the slightest regret, but the aftereffects of Malachite clouded her mind in a haze of uncharacteristic remorse for her actions. It was an odd feeling: Lapis felt guilty for what she did, but she didn't feel sympathetic for Jasper’s pain. The only sympathy she had was with herself, since she had the misery of second-hand experiencing Jasper’s pain in her mind and body.

The larger gem immediately frowned, but let out a soft sigh of relief that Lapis didn’t just immediately resume where they left off.

“I’m… I’m sorry you had to feel like that,” Jasper offered gently, fumbling nervously with her hands before continuing. “I didn't know Malachite would _hurt_ you…”

Despite everything, Jasper didn't want Lapis to feel the way she does. Maybe it was because of her self-destructive love she felt for the blue gem. Maybe it was just the pain of knowing someone else had to feel as miserable as her. Whatever it was, Jasper felt genuinely bad Lapis had to go through it, even if she was the cause of all the pain to begin with.

“You can't listen to save your life, can you?!? I told you not to fucking _talk_. You got to have Malachite, so now shut up and leave me _alone_.” Lapis’ voice had an obvious distress under in, but her aggression usurp itself as the dominant tone. When Jasper doubtfully opened her mouth to once more apologize, the blue gem immediately cut in. “I swear, if you say _one_ fucking word, I’ll choke you until you lose your voice. Understood?”

Hastily, Jasper shut her mouth with a quick nod, acknowledging that she wasn’t going to disobey. Lapis had already made it quite clear that disobedience was not worth the pain and punishment, and after the night they’ve had, the Quartz will surely not forget the lesson soon.

“ _Good_. Now stay the hell away from me, I don't want to see your face for the rest of the day,” Lapis ended with a little shoo of her hand, and once again averted her eyes from the Quartz as she collapsed back onto the couch. After all, looking at Jasper made the guilt burn bitterly inside her stomach, and Lapis yearned to soothe it by keeping the Quartz at bay.

Even though Lapis’ eyes were off her again, the larger gem still offered a somber nod. While she was grateful with the comforting security and strength she still felt ghosting her mind and body from Malachite, there was a harrowing ache inside her. Lapis wasn't going to give her more, at least not anytime soon.

It sunk a coil of distress in her chest that Lapis so coldly dismissed her, not even letting her speak despite the fact Jasper submissively gave her entire body to the water gem’s will. Lapis got to beat her, scold her, pin her, mount her… But somehow, that still wasn't enough. Lapis had taken her power to speak away too, despite Jasper only saying little apologies to her since she's been back.

Sighing softly enough that it hardly made an audible noise, the Quartz threw a weary glance around the barn for her book. Perhaps a petty little distraction was the only thing that was going to take her mind off Lapis’ cold behavior, and Jasper gave a feeble smile as she spotted it in the same place from the day before. Pushing off the ground to go over and pick it up, Jasper began carefully flipping the pages to find where she’d left off. After all, Lapis approached her so suddenly yesterday she didn't have time to bookmark her page. There wasn't time to even set it down gently. It was a lovely book, some tale about a tragic adventure, but it got knocked to the floor when Lapis deemed she wanted to take her frustrations out of the Quartz.

The memories involuntary seized Jasper’s mind in a sudden influx of self-pity, and the Quartz hardly noticed her hand were trembling until she ripped a page she was turning by accident. Stopping, she winced in sorrow at the torn page in her large, clumsy hand.

Jasper’s eyes watered in pain. First she ruined Malachite, and now she ruined this pleasant little book. Nothing that gave her happiness stayed. Every time something brought her joy, she just ended up ruining it.

Even if it was as simple and small as a book.

Giving a shallow weep, the frustrated Quartz threw the book down to the floor in destructive despair as her mind began staining in stress, with the noise caused Lapis to turn sharply over from where she was trying to rest on the couch.

“Don't you _dare_ throw a fucking pity-party in here. Take your tantrum outside, or sit down and stop making noise,” the water gem hissed threatening from over her shoulder where she laid, wanting so desperately to forget Jasper existed for a little bit so she can soothe the guilt inside herself.

But the self-pity clouded Jasper’s logic too strong, and with the afterglow of confidence from Malachite, the Quartz dared to speak up as she distressfully cried to the blue gem, screaming in a sudden nervous breakdown.

“ _NO_! IT’S NOT _FAIR_!!” Jasper’s trembling hands gripped into her abdomen, crying out desperately. Her once-intimidating voice was nothing more than a futile strain, being just as broken as the Quartz’ mind.

“YOU TOOK _EVERYTHING_ FROM ME!!! I CAN’T DO THIS!! I… I-I DON’T… ”

Stuttering abruptly at the phantom pain beginning to burn deep in her stomach, the large gem sucked in a jagged gasp of cold air, shivering at how meaningless her words felt. A seize of helplessness overwhelmed her, and Jasper collapsed onto her knees pitifully. “I don't have _anything_ anymore… I-It’s all _gone_ …”

All that Jasper heard in response to her mental collapse was a low growl, interrupting her breakdown. The livid blue gem shot up from the couch, overflowing with rage and speckles of what could only be described as violence in her eyes. The Quartz saw how tightly her knuckles were clenching in hatred and immediately began regretting slipping up.

“You _ungrateful_ bitch, this is how you talk to me after I gave you _Malachite_?!?” Jasper whimpered at the cruel shouting, digging her nails tensely into her own stomach as Lapis continued. “If you're so adamant on claiming I take everything from you, then maybe I _should_ take your voice. You don’t deserve to keep it if you’re just going to whine,” She began striding towards the Quartz to uphold her threat of choking her, watching Jasper hasty stumble to her feet with a reluctant cry.

Lapis’ hand had just barely begun to wave, gathering control of her water before hearing a faint noise and dropping her hand. It was a slight rustle outside, and when Jasper heard it too she felt relief dull the edge of her panic.

Someone was coming to the barn.

The water gem ceased her movement and froze in the middle of the room, just in time for a very much worried Peridot to rush in.

“What’s with the shouting?!? Are you guys okay--”

The small green gem cut off immediately in confusion, as both Lapis and Jasper had stress on their faces, but there was no present threat in the room. Lapis stood idly in the middle, hastily straightening up while Jasper gave a quick wipe of her eyes and looked away to compose herself.

After all, Lapis hadn't left a mark on her new body yet, so she had no grounds to point her finger at Lapis and tell Peridot she was about to choke her until she couldn’t speak.

Knowing this as well, the water gem quickly fabricated a lie.

“Jasper was crying over her book again, and… and ended up tearing it. I was yelling at her not to be so carelessly _destructive_ ,” Lapis explained carefully to justify the muffled yelling Peridot heard from outside, along with the tears on the Quartz’ face.

Jasper whimpered. She hated this. She hated lying to Peridot so Lapis seemed like her good, benevolent friend.

But if Jasper dared tell the green gem how Lapis has been treating her, all it took to discredit her was Lapis to break out a few fake tears and cry that Jasper forced herself on her. And unlike Jasper, Lapis wouldn't need bruises to sell the same story.

Hesitantly, Jasper somberly nodded at the lie, agreeing that the yelling was just a lecture over the Quartz’ destructiveness, and hearing that made Peridot visibly relax with a sigh.

“Thank the stars, on my way over here it sounded like something bad was happening,” she glanced over to Jasper with a soft, understanding smile on her face. “I'm sorry to hear you're sad, Jasper… But you can't get angry if something’s making you cry. Sometimes a book is sad or upsetting, but you can't change it.”

Although Peridot was trying to be nice and sympathetic to the Quartz’ grief this time around (for she was far more shaken up than the last time her ‘ _book_ ’ made her cry), Jasper winced and bit her lip in hurt that she had to pretend to be the one in the wrong.

She hated the lie so much. Of course this is _Jasper’s_ fault, after all she's the mindless brute who can’t contain her emotions enough to _not_ rip a book for making her sad. Of course _Lapis_ is the kind friend here to correct her, because there's no way Jasper can behavior herself unless there’s _someone_ to yell at her.

That's the lie Lapis was making Jasper reinforce. That she's just some big, destructive brute that needs guidance.

And Peridot didn't question it, as she hurried over to Jasper in concern when larger gem started tearing up again over the fact Lapis was portraying her in such a bad light, especially when it was her that was just about to be choked for merely speaking. The Quartz heard a subtle hiss of warning from Lapis for Jasper to knock the crying off, as Peridot began to comfortingly rub the side of the Quartz’ thigh to console her since she was too short to rub Jasper’s back.

“H-hey, it’s okay-- We’re get you a better book! I get a little over-emotional sometimes too, especially when it comes to TV shows, so I get it.... It's okay to cry, but you have to remember at the end of the day it’s not real; it's just a book,” Peridot ended her ramble reassuringly with a little smile to encourage her to lighten up. After all, it was very unsettling to see Jasper cry. She use to be so strong and unaffected by small little things like books.

Jasper gave another bitter wipe at her eyes, composing herself nonetheless when Lapis gave her a sharp glare.

She wished it really _was_ just a book. Jasper wish she could set it down and resume it later, but she can't. This was her life now, and Jasper was stuck in it until the pages ran out. She didn't get to tear them out and skip the bad parts. She didn't get to pretend a chapter or two doesn't exist if it hurt too much. Life wasn't a book, and it doesn't always get a happy ending.

No matter how she looked at it, it wasn’t going to be fair, or easy, or even tolerable. Not as long as Jasper was stuck here with the blue gem; Lapis was going to do what she wanted, and the Quartz was going to take it.

It doesn’t make it okay, but it made it her reality. Jasper can’t ever escape the pain, and Lapis was here to make sure of that.

“I-I don't need another book. I’m _fine_.” Jasper asserted, with her weariness getting through when she spoke. The hand on her thigh moved a bit higher to give a reassuring pat on her hip, and its movement up her leg made Jasper visibly recoil, breaking away from the gentle hand getting dangerously close to the pain between her legs.

She whimpered with flustered embarrassment, knowing Peridot was only try to comfort her. But she didn't want any hands on her body, let alone near that spot Lapis so cruelly tore up last night. Her memories burned a vivid reminder between her legs, and the pain of being touched warned Jasper that if someone had their hands on her, it was only to violate her. Even if she knew that wasn't true and that Peridot was just being consoling, her body was already conditioned into fear.

A tad disheartened at the seemingly cold response, the green gem dropped her hand to her side and tried to hide the sadness on her face that Jasper obviously just flinched from her. The larger gem was acting concerningly upset, and Peridot didn't understand why Lapis was just watching them nonchalantly without helping her comfort the agitated Quartz.

“If you don't want another book, then… Do… Do you wanna meet the kittens? Would that make you feel better?” Peridot hesitantly asked, not knowing what she could offer to calm her down.

Blinking twice, Jasper looked prospectively down with a tinge of disbelief thinly hiding her excitement at the offer. There wasn't even a bother to acknowledge the disapproval she saw on Lapis’ face, warning her that agreeing would count as disobedience.

Yet, the fear of pain took over, and reminded her what would happen if she went against Lapis’ wishes. Curling a stinging pain in her stomach, the memories warned her to be obedient. And for a few seconds, Jasper was about to reject the offer. That was, until she remembered how much happiness Lapis has already taken from her, and at that Jasper found herself slightly smiling in realization. Because at this moment, Lapis wasn't the one in control of whether she saw the kittens.

Therefore, she can't take them away even if she wanted to.

“That… That sounds like a great idea,” Jasper responded to the small green gem with a genuine smile, before hastily adding, “Can we go right now??”

Peridot returned the smile, relaxing that the Quartz seemed enthusiastic about the cats her and Amethyst were raising. Anything was better than the unsettling crying.

“Sure, they're over at Steven’s… Lapis, you wanna come too?”

Taking in a short breath, Jasper didn’t consider that the blue gem would be invited along. Yet, Lapis’ answer was completely unexpected.

“No. I’m not feeling well; I think I’m going to rest here.” Curtly, the water gem gave a little pivot on her heel, before returning back to the couch. That was it; no resistance, and no punishing glares over Jasper’s defiance.

Electing to ignore that she was going to be brutally beaten later for this, Jasper let out a thankful sigh. At that, Peridot expressed her wishes for Lapis to feel better, before giving a tug on the Quartz’ uniform for her to follow. They left the barn, and it was a short walk to the nearest warp pad. Once they were on the pad, all it took was a flash and the two gems were at the entrance of the Temple, facing the interior of Steven’s currently empty home.

“They should be over here, we keep them in this box we found in Amethyst's room-- ah! There they are!” The green gem squealed in delight when she ran over to the cardboard box tucked next to Steven’s couch. With a curious cock of her head, the larger gem followed, peering cautiously to see what was inside.

Just as Peridot said, the creatures were very fluffy. And little, too; Jasper knew immature organic life tended to be smaller than their mature forms, but these furry grey bundles were barely the width of one of the Quartz’ fingers. It made sense why they were all napping in a huddle though, since Jasper figured their tiny bodies couldn’t retain warmth well by themselves. She couldn’t help but smile, as they looked so peaceful and serene, preserved from any stresses or anxieties about the world. Just dozing the late morning away without a care.

“That one right there is Percy, and Amethyst named this one Puma…” The green gem gestured to the cats as she introduced them, and upon reaching the third she stopped. The kitten stirred awake from the noise, mewling innocently at the interruption.

Peridot noticed Jasper had an endearing smile at the little creature’s awakening, and reached in the box to gently pick up the kitten with both hands. The Quartz blinked in confusion when the green gem offered the cat out to her, and hesitantly opened her palm to accept the kitten. Upon setting it carefully in the cradle of the large gem’s hand, there was an involuntary noise of awe from Jasper at how soft the little bundle of fur felt, and the cat was quick to nuzzle its head against the Quartz’ thumb affectionately.

Her chest fluttered with warmth, and Jasper cooed little noises to the kitten as she brought her other hand up to very carefully stroke it’s back with the tip of her index finger. It mewed in gratitude, with flick of its fluffy tail up in the air to express its joy.

“...That one we actually haven’t named yet. She seems to like you, Jasper. If you want, you can give her a name,” Peridot reached for Percy as she spoke to hold a kitten herself as well, and she was surprised to look up and see Jasper’s ecstatic expression.

“R-Really…? You think she likes me…?” Remarking in disbelief, the Quartz looked back down at the small kitten, whom was beginning to make an odd rumble. It was so sweet and innocent, that Jasper had a hard time believing she actually liked her. After all, the Quartz was so worthless and broken that even the affections of a tiny cat was something she couldn’t fathom as real.

Reassuring her with a nod, Peridot beamed. “Look, she’s even purring! She loves you, Jasper!”

There was a slight water of her eyes, and Jasper blinked away the verge of a tear with an overjoyed noise of delight.

Love. The little cat _loved_ her. Someone _loved_ her.

There was a nervous chuckle from the green gem to see Jasper grow emotional over the kitten, but she decided that it was at least better than the bitter weeping back at the barn. It was already strange enough she’s been crying so often, though now Peridot gave the larger gem a reason to cry out of glee rather than sadness.

“Can I name her Joy…?” Jasper inquired as she watched the cat repeatedly nuzzle her thumb, purring louder the longer the Quartz stroked her back. There was an encouraging chuckle, and Peridot nodded her head in approval to the name.

Jasper smiled softly, warmly regarding the kitten as she began to painless nip her palm in play. Joy. She got her own little bundle of happiness that loved her unconditionally, and gave the large gem affection enthusiastically. Joy can be her little escape from reality.

A seize of pain suddenly constricted Jasper’s throat, and her breathing hitched. No. There was no escape.

She ruins everything that makes her happy. She ruined Malachite. She ruined her book.

And a cold fear flooded Jasper’s nerves warning her if she held Joy any longer, she was going to ruin her too. Such an innocent, gentle creature will be tainted by her touch. Jasper felt disgusting; how could she let herself put the sweet kitten at risk because she was so pitifully desperate to be loved…?

Trembling, the feeling in her hands was turning numb in fear, and the Quartz froze her little pets to outstretch her hand away from her in remorse.

“T-Take her _away_!! I can’t hold her!!!” Jasper urgently pleaded as her hand involuntary quivered, and the startled green gem hurried to set Percy down to take Joy out of her shaky hand.

Even when the kitten was out of her hand, the Quartz continued to panic in despair that she was too defiled to enjoy something so pure, and dropped her head down with a stifled sob. Storming with a mixture of concern and confusion, Peridot quickly returned Joy to her box and stood up to rub Jasper’s upper back.

Something was wrong. Jasper was acting too much unlike herself, and it was finally time the green gem was going to question her on it.

With a benevolent rub into the tense back muscles of the Quartz, Peridot’s voice softly murmured. “Jasper, what’s going on with you…? You’ve been so sad lately…”

Two large hand came up over Jasper’s face, and she slightly shook her head in denial. She can’t tell. Lapis will hurt her if she does. Lapis will _blame_ her if she does.

“I-I’m fine, I was just thinking about that book again and--” Jasper couldn’t even finish her sad little lie as Peridot cut her off.

“Stop it with the book! I know that’s not it, so tell me what’s _wrong_!!” Raising her voice perhaps too assertively with the larger gem, she felt a flinch from where her hand was against her back. Sighing apologetically, Peridot gave another harmless rub.

“I’m sorry, just I… I don’t like seeing you so _upset_. You know you can tell me anything, right?? Whatever is bothering you, you don’t have to deal with it alone,”

Jasper winced mournfully. If only it was that easy.

“I _can’t_ , Peridot. I just… _Can’t_.” There was a violent tremor when she remembered what Lapis threatened to do if Jasper told anyone. After all, she was just some big brute; everyone would believe Lapis the second she claims Jasper assaulted her.

“But why not…? Jasper, I want to _help_ you,” Peridot insisted and the Quartz suddenly stood up, carelessly knocking off her hand in doing so.

“You _can’t_ help me. No one can.”

The green gem scrambled to straighten up. “That’s not true! People care about you, Jasper! I’ll _help_ , Amethyst will _help_ , Steven will _help_ , Lapis will _help_ \--”

A sudden wince of fear instinctively replied to hearing the blue gem’s name in that sentence, and Jasper couldn’t look away fast enough for Peridot to miss the speckles of terror seeded deep in her dull, golden eyes. The was a soft gasp, as the smaller gem hoped she didn’t see what she just saw.

“J… Jasper…?” she questioned lowly, with strong reluctance in her tone buried under heavy sorrow to acknowledge what Peridot thought the Quartz was so afraid of.

“Did… Did Lapis do _something_ …?” Peridot hated that she was accusing her friend of doing trauma to the larger gem, but she was just so concerned what could’ve caused such horror in Jasper’s eyes that she was willing to suggest it. After all, besides the green gem, almost all of the Quartz’ time was spent alone with Lapis…

“NO!! _Nothing_ happened!!! Lapis did _nothing_ to me!!!” Her voice was a strained cry, thick with dread and trembling with the taste of her own lie. Jasper hardly finished her words with a devastated sob, her whole body cringing in a cold panic just thinking about how badly she would be punished for this. “P-please don’t tell her about th-this… _Please_ … She can’t know we talked…” Choking another cry out, the Quartz pleaded desperately as she felt her gemstone and shivered in thought on how she’d be sent back to it if Lapis found out this happened.

Peridot noticed, and a heartbroken expression fell over her face.

“Jasper… What did she _do_ …?” The assertion left no room for misinterpretation: Peridot was accusing Lapis. While she may not know just what she was accusing her of, the small gem intended on finding out. Whatever she did had downright traumatized Jasper.

Smearing a palm against her teary cheeks, the Quartz panted to catch a steady breath. “I _can’t_ tell you. I _can’t_. Please, just take me back to the barn. Don’t tell her this happened--”

“Jasper.” Peridot cut in, repeating with stronger conviction. “What _happened_?”

“P-Please _take me back_ \--” the words barely stutter out before they were halted once more.

“ _No_! Not until you tell me what _happened_!!”

“I _can’t_!! I’m sorry, I _can’t_!! Don’t tell her--”

“Stop it and fucking _tell_ me!!”

“ _Please_ , you’re only going to make her _worse_ \--” Jasper immediately cut herself off and cupped her hand over her mouth when she realized she just confirmed Peridot’s accusation. With an anguished shudder, the Quartz was already shaking her head to take back the words.

The green gem let out a shallow breath, holding back a wince that this was her friend they were talking about. Jasper admitted Lapis did something.

“ _What_ is going to get worse…?” Peridot hesitantly pressed, although with much pain in her voice.

Her response was a bitter sob. “T-Take me _back_ , Peridot. _Please_ just take me back to the barn--”

“No. I’m not taking you back if…” The green gem sucked in a tragic breath before gathering enough willpower to finished her words. A churn of nausea tied her stomach into a knot as she concluded, “I’m not taking you back if Lapis _did_ something to you...”

There was a shallow wince.

“ _Doing_.” A bitter murmur from the Quartz corrected.

Peridot knitted her brow with a disturbing lump of panic sinking down her throat when she swallowed. “It’s _still_ happening…? Please… Jasper, what did she _do to you_ …?” Heartbreak and stress weight down Peridot’s words, and there was a helpless whimper from the Quartz as she brought both hands down to harshly grip into her abdomen in stain to being forced into confession. Peridot wasn’t going to let her leave without an answer.

“Don't tell her, _please_. She…” A devastated gasp of air filled Jasper’s lungs to murmur brokenly. “She _beats_ me when we’re alone.”

Jasper didn’t sob this time; she was holding her breath in anticipation for Peridot to not believe her. Yet looking down, the small gem’s eyes were wide and taken aback in heartbreak, her lower lip trembling with the verge of tears. “No, not Lapis… H-How can she get _away_ with that…?”

The Quartz averted her eyes, wincing that this was actually happening. She was finally telling someone.

“Lapis has to… Sh-she… She has to poof me a few hours early. So I come back with no marks.”

In a blur of motion, Peridot’s hands covered her ears and she squeezed her eyes shut with a shake on her head, deep in denial. “Lapis wouldn't _do_ that!!” A bitter shout made the Quartz jump in panic, with the revolution too much for Peridot to believe. Even if she was willing to consider Lapis could've done something, actually hearing the Quartz confirm it was overwhelming.

That deep-seeded terror began making Jasper feel light-headed, realizing this was falling apart. Lapis was right. Peridot couldn’t believe her.

“No, no… Y-you can't tell her what I _said_ \--! Please, I--”

“She wouldn't do _that_!! What actually happened?!?”

There was a quick shake of the Quartz’ head, and any hope of Peridot helping her was destroyed. “Please...I… I-I take it _back_.” Jasper felt a collapse in herself at any hope Peridot was going to believe her. It was too unexpected, it was too startling; the Quartz had to take a step back and pick up the pieces of her mistake before it got any worse. “She didn't do it, it never happened… _nothing_ happened…”

The pain and lie in her voice was obvious. And Peridot could hear it.

But she couldn't accept it.

Not Lapis, not her _friend_.

There was a sharp intake of air. “That's… that's good to hear nothing happened.” A hollow voice responded, and a creep of isolation settled over Jasper. Peridot was choosing the lie over the truth. She was leaving her to cope alone.

“Here, I'll take you back now,” she continued blankly, finally giving in without any further resistance. Shock pierced denial deep into the green gem, and everything in her mind begged her to act like Jasper didn't just confess that Lapis has been abusing her.

Whimpering in defeat, Jasper dropped her head down so Peridot couldn't see her cry. But regardless, the smaller gem could hear the strained weeping in her voice when she croaked out, “I’d l-like that… B-but _please_ don’t tell her we had this conversation…”

From what tears had collected on Peridot’s bottom lashes, she quickly wiped them away and gave a slight correction to herself that she can’t cry, there was nothing to cry about. Lapis wouldn’t do that. Lapis was a good friend, and besides… Jasper didn’t have any marks. So, even though it felt awful to do so, Peridot tried her best to make herself believe it was just a dirty lie Jasper told her.

Jasper wasn’t being beat. She wasn’t being abused.

She was just being over-emotional about a book. That’s what Peridot decided to believe, just to salvage her trust in Lapis.

“I won’t tell her anything. There’s _nothing_ to talk about. All that happened is you were crying over your book again,” Dulling out the same lie Lapis said earlier that day, the denying green gem abruptly turned so she didn’t have to see how broken up the Quartz was. She didn’t want to recognized that this was anything more than a sad book Jasper was crying about. So without any more reassuring rubs or comforting words, she coldly led the Quartz back to the warp pad.

Jasper’s cheeks were running wet with tears and she was poorly hiding them by wiping them off, but she knew the blue gem would be livid if she knew Jasper cried in front of Peridot again.

Mentally, Peridot just repeatedly told herself whatever lies the denial fed her. She was going to bring Jasper back to the barn, because _there was no reason not to_. Jasper was _fine_. Lapis was her _friend_.

No one was getting hurt because Lapis wouldn’t hurt Jasper.

Lapis was a _kind, reasonable gem_.

While Jasper was just a _big, mindless brute_.

That’s what Peridot had to tell herself, over and over in her head, as she tuned out the soft weeping of the Quartz.

Neither of them questioned it when Peridot waited there for a few moments, waiting for Jasper to compose herself to see Lapis again.

When the quiet crying finally died off after what felt like forever, the green gem finally flashed them back without a word.

After all, there was nothing to say.

Because _nothing_ happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so Peri's defense mechanism is totally denial. She literally stuck on stage one of the Kübler-Ross model of grief, so the torture shall continue.
> 
> Also in the rough-draft of this chapter, Jasper actually crushes the kitten in her hand by accident (you know, metaphorically destroying her own joy and all that), but when I wrote it the scene was actually too disturbing for me to keep so I had to scrap it. So believe it or not, the chapter you just read was the tone-down version of what I originally had planned lmao


	4. Making It Harder To Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To resolve the guilt Lapis feels, she tries to give Jasper something. But Jasper acts reluctant to accept her gift, and it angers Lapis enough that she gets carried away.  
> Lapis takes it further than she should, and what starts as a reward turns into a horrible punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be double posting this chapter with an epilogue.  
> This chapter is really sickening. If the last few chapters were a bit disturbing or almost too gory for you, I recommend just not reading this at all. It's gross and I'm a terrible person for writing this.
> 
> Anywho, for those of you who are already neck-deep in sin and can tolerate this trash, here you go.  
> This chapter is the epitome of torture though so there's no romanticizing or glossing over the bad parts. 
> 
> I'm so sorry in advance.
> 
> (([song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvgulss9E-o)))

Peridot didn't even have the guts to walk Jasper into the barn; she took her to the entrance before giving some half-hearted excuse that the kittens needed to be watched. The Quartz knew that she just didn't want to see Lapis after what Jasper told her, and was determined to stay in her bubble of denial and forget that the larger gem had ever said anything bad about Lapis.

There wasn’t anything she was willing to do to even act as a safeguard, on the off-chance Jasper was telling the truth. Merely, she was just going to leave her and try erasing their conversation from her consciousness so that she could continue living with the two without confronting such a dark accusation. And recognizing Peridot’s coping denial, Jasper curtly nodded in bitter understanding, trying to convince herself that she would do the same if such an outlandish accusation threatens to throw off her life. At that, the one gem keeping Lapis from hurting her left. Peridot didn't even look her in the eyes when she muttered ‘see you two later tonight’ and hastily withdrew herself from the area like it was toxic.

Trying to calm herself enough to walk in, the shaky gem exhaled slowly in preparation to receive whatever punishment she’s due. She just wishes she’ll stop trembling.

But upon entering, Jasper kept her head down and slowly walked straight to the side wall, leaning into it with a weary sigh. Not even bothering to look towards the couch, she flinched when she immediately felt the blue gem’s cold, frustrated eyes on her. After a moment or two passed without hearing a scolding command, Jasper kept her eyes locked bitterly onto the floor as she mentally prepared herself to numb out and comply again, speaking up softly.

“I know I'm in trouble. Do you want me on the floor…?” The Quartz offered with a dull, empty voice. The quicker she acts submissive, the less pain it’ll be in the long run.

“It wouldn’t matter. How many fucking times do I have to teach you the same lesson…? Whenever we’re done, you just go right back to disobeying me.” There was a ghost of a tremble in Lapis’ voice, and it came as a tiny surprise she was still shaken up. Jasper didn't know Malachite was going to damage her so deeply, and the secluded part of herself that still loved the blue gem scorned herself with guilt for being the reason Lapis was so distressed. Jasper ruined Lapis. She ruined Malachite. She ruined _everything_.

“You didn’t want to see me, so I’d thought you’ll want me to leave.” The larger gem meekly lied, pressing her back insecurely against the wall. From where she was with her head dropped low, she could hear the bare pads of the smaller gem’s feet step onto the ground, strolling towards her with eerily calmness.

“And what about the _tantrum_ …? All that screaming about me taking everything from you?” Lapis argued back, folding her arms across her chest when Malachite’s raw guilt settled heavily at the bottom of her lungs to seeing how meek Jasper was acting towards her. Even after hours, Malachite’s guilt wasn’t dissipating. While she tried rejecting it with every ounce of willpower she could muster, the effects of Malachite was etched deep into her mind to blame her for causing so much pain. And that responsibility wouldn’t lighten her remorse with herself, no matter how much Lapis tried to ignore it. The guilt wanted her to fix it. It wanted a compromise.

The Quartz nervously brought her eyes up, slightly confused why Lapis didn’t sound as livid as she expected. By now, she thought Lapis would already have had her restrained on the floor.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I shouldn’t have thrown a fit. I shouldn’t have even _spoken_ \--”

“No, don’t lie about it now. You meant it, because it’s true; I take from you without giving back.” The blue gem confessed as she cut Jasper’s apologetic rambling short. The arms crossed around her chest tensed as they tightened around, feeling the uneasy guilt swarm around bitterly inside her.

When the Quartz responded with nothing more than a dumbfounded expression, Lapis continued.

“So, I thought about it today. Rather than punish you, maybe I owe you a reward. After all, the whole Malachite thing fell apart quicker than expected…” While Lapis mused off in thought, the uncharacteristic words made Jasper’s shoulders jump, returning a bitter frown that Lapis verbally recognized the unfairness of breaking the Quartz down into submission in return for Malachite, only to have their fusion fall apart after a few minutes. To add a further skew of unfairness to their deal, after unfusing Lapis ended up beating Jasper bloody until she was forced into her gem, despite the Quartz having no control over how agonizing it was for the blue gem to exist as Malachite.

It wasn’t something Jasper believed Lapis came to the conclusion on her own. Whatever reasoning the blue gem had to ‘reward’ her was either going to be painful, or self-motivated. At that, she gave a little shake of her head, careful not to seem ungrateful and enrage the eerily calm gem.

“N-no, it’s fine, Malachite was enough of a reward!” She tried to insist, but Lapis snorted in amusement, leading off into a dark chuckle at Jasper’s embedded fearfulness.

The genuineness of her laugh didn’t help ease the Quartz’ nerves at all. Lapis was too calm, and there was no anger in her expression at all.

But Jasper feared a level-headed, composed Lapis more so than a dominating, angry one. If she’s calm like this, it means she already felt in power. Jasper already submitted to her the moment she walked back into the barn, and Lapis knew it.

“Come on, it’ll be a _good_ reward. Submission is rewarded, remember?” Reminding the larger gem once more of her rule, she took another step towards Jasper. Only, the Quartz winced in reluctance to where this was going and couldn’t help but eye the exit, even if she knew it was futile to escape this. At the very least, Lapis didn’t seem to have commanded any water in preparation for the Quartz to run.

But that was because they both know Jasper wouldn’t even try at this point. And that in itself was a hard hit on the Quartz’ nerve, because Lapis’ confidence in her own control and power directly diminished whatever strength Jasper had lingering in her from Malachite.

“Jasper? Are you _trying_ to be defiant again?” Lapis hissed when she saw the Quartz obvious glance at the exit. If Jasper wasn’t going to play along, the blue gem had no quarrels with falling back on her scare tactics to keep the larger gem complying.

“No! No, I’m not, I’m sorry!” Jasper quickly rambled out as she tore her eyes off the exit to drop them back onto the floor, before squeezing them shut in strain. She couldn’t even entertain her impossible thoughts without upsetting Lapis. It’s not as if she’d actually run, but… Thinking about it for a split second made everything feel a little bit better. But Lapis wasn’t even going to let her have that.

A wide smirk stretched across the water gem’s face, and she gestured to the floor as she responded. “Good, that’s what I want to hear. Now come on, lay down… I won’t need to bring water into this, would I?”

Cold shivers cascaded down the larger gem’s spine, but she complied with a whimper as she stepped out from where she was against the wall to sit down. Throwing one last pleading look at Lapis from where she sat, Jasper was met with an icy glare waiting for her to obey.

“No, you don’t… I..” The larger gem’s voice melted into a jagged sigh before she could prepare herself for saying her next words.

“...I’ll do whatever you want,” Jasper finally murmured emptily, cutting their eye contact as she slowly leaned down onto her back. Out of reflex more than anything, she found herself folding her arms over to cover her abdomen, already feeling it singe her insides with the smarting pain of her memories.

She could’ve sworn Lapis’ smirk grew wider.

“Awwe, you’re making this sound like a bad thing. You don’t even know what your reward is,” whilst the blue gem spoke cryptically sinister, she gave a little nudge of her foot on Jasper’s leg before giving another command.

_“Spread.”_

The phantom pain seared through her muscles in a plea for the Quartz to keep her thighs closed, but Jasper overpowered that with the sheer fear of Lapis forcefully restraining her with water chains. At that, she meekly whimpered as her legs parted open obediently.

“I… I think I know…” She returned, already feeling her lower lip tremble in anticipation. Jasper had no choice but to let this happen, and hope it’ll be fast with little blood or pain involved.

“No, you don’t,” Lapis cut in to correct, as she sank down to straddle one of the Quartz’ large thighs. “This isn’t going to hurt, Jasper. I’m going to let you _come_.”

Disgust made Jasper’s entire body tense in repulsion, disturbed over the notion her body would actually betray her and climax from Lapis’ touch. There was no way that was going to happen.

“No, no! Please don’t try--”

Punishingly, Lapis’ two hands dug their nails mercilessly into the leg she was straddling, and the Quartz slightly gasped.

“I’m being fucking _generous_ and you’re still trying to make this difficult!? Settle down and stop whining. This is going to happen, and you’re going to _thank_ me for it.”

But Jasper shook her head rapidly, choking with a feeble sob.

“N-no! I don't want to come!! _Please_ don't make me, Lapis…” She was desperate to try and coax the blue gem away from the idea, because Jasper knew she could never forgive herself if she actually climaxed from any of Lapis’ toying. It was one thing to shut her eyes and let Lapis use her body to get off, but it was another for the blue gem to try and engage her along and get her through an empty climax. It would only serve as another degrading move that Lapis will always use against her, and she could already imagine Lapis mocking her for it the next time the Quartz shows any reluctance to her sexual advances.

With a growl, Lapis cupped a hand between Jasper’s legs, and fumbled her thumb blindly around her clothed groin to find her clit. The Quartz cringed violently when she expertly did, and brought both her large hands up to cover her face as she sobbed brokenly, being in no position to stop Lapis if this is what she wanted to do with her.

“Come on, doesn't this feel good…?” Lapis cooed as she began to rolled her thumb quickly around, giving no gentle build-up or tender pacing. The fabric did little to muffle the sensation, and the blunt sensitively curled an involuntary bundle of warmth at the stimulation, for which Jasper felt disgusted with herself for feeling.

When the Quartz made a little wince of remorse, Lapis pressed down even harder as she worked her thumb around, continuing with her taunts. “How could you not want this?? The gem you _love_ is trying to get you off. You should be moaning in delight, not whimpering like you hate this.”

The muscles along her inner thighs were alight with the urge to close her legs, and it took every ounce of fear Jasper had of Lapis to keep herself spread for her. Whilst the sensation of being forcefully stimulated was repulsive and uncomfortable beyond any reasonable amount, Jasper knew it could be worse. If Lapis wanted to, this ordeal could be torturously painful whilst still compelling a meaningless climax from her body, but Jasper was determined to stay in Lapis’ good graces so that wouldn't happen.

With no definite answer from the larger gem hiding her face away, Lapis gave a careless pinch before withdrawing her hand. Yelping, Jasper’s legs jumped in startle to close involuntarily, but only by a few inches before her consciousness could catch up with her actions and halt her thighs from closing anymore. It caught the blue gem a bit off balance, but she refused to get off the thigh she was straddling.

Narrowing her eyes at the spark of reluctance Lapis saw, she tsked at how hard Jasper was trying to comply. This was supposed to be a favor to her so that Lapis could shut down the guilt inside her, but Jasper wasn’t acting very grateful. It burned a sear of rage inside Lapis, but she was determined to see this through so that she can let go of her guilt.

“You’re not trying hard enough,” she scolded to correct the hesitation Jasper had. Even if she was obeying, her reluctance to do so was too obvious for Lapis’ liking.

“Please no more, _please_ …” The broken gem whimpered back from where she was hiding her face behind her hands, still trying to passively end this affair early. Hell, she would rather take another beating than this. Part of her even debated purposefully rousing Lapis into a rage just so she’ll forget about making her climax in favor of punching, kicking, and hitting her until she got her frustrations out.

While it wore even more so at Lapis’ thinning patience, she held back the urge to strike her fist into Jasper’s abdomen as punishment for denying her with her little pleads. The guilt wasn’t going to be sated by beating her. The only compromise that Lapis knows can destroy Malachite’s guilt was if she gave Jasper something back in return, and there were few things Lapis could realistically offer. A painless climax was one of them, and why Jasper wasn’t showing more enjoyment to this was beyond Lapis.

“Phase off your uniform. And be more enthusiastic; you’re acting like this hurts.”

With a flinch, the Quartz’ mind drew a blank at the command, with her entire awareness faltering off for a split second at the sudden overwhelm of helplessness her mind was flooded with. Even her gem was in a panic, as it kept its control over her uniform to keep Jasper from involuntarily flashing it off from her ingrained obedience. Her body just didn't want to comply again, even when Jasper’s mind was begging it to. She wanted this to be easy and over with, but her muscles weren't listening to her anymore and the blood in her veins felt icy and cold in dread of what obeying Lapis would mean.

She was frozen, with only the occasional tremble from her body to indicate the Quartz hadn't just turned to stone. Even her eyes were distant and lost, almost glassy as they stared down at her outfit. She wasn't flashing it off. She _couldn't_ flash it off.

All she could do was blankly stare at her uniform is hazy confusion to why her gem and her body wouldn't listen to her.

With a livid clench of her fists, Lapis had to swallow back another forceful urge to punch Jasper in the gut. She wasn't obeying again, but she wasn't exactly resisting either. The Quartz was doing absolutely nothing.

“I’m _really_ trying to be nice here, Jasper. But I can make this _painful_ if that’s what it takes to keep your attention.” The blue gem hissed between clenched teeth, seething with rage. It finally snapped Jasper out of her mental slip into oblivion, but by the time she looked up at Lapis the damage has already been done. The blue gem was nearly trembling with anger.

“I-I _can't_ take it off. I _can't_ , I want to but I _can't_ \--” the Quartz immediately jumped into frantic pleads to justify her lack of compliance, trying her best to explain that she couldn't command her gem to flash her uniform off.

Growling with irritation, Lapis raise both her hands clear into Jasper’s line of vision before trailing them with a zip of light to shapeshift back into those malicious claws. There was a hard swallow from the larger gem, pushing back with her arms weakly against the floor to flee the same claws that gashed the sides of her torso and thighs and kept her anchored to reality last night. It was impossible to numb out their splitting pain, and if the claws were back that means hiding away in her mind wasn't going to save her. If she tries, those claws can effectively bring her back with a single slash over her tender skin.

Indirectly, Jasper’s panicked attempt to distance herself from Lapis’ claws pushed the water gem to fall off Jasper’s thigh and onto her side, gasping in surprise that she got knocked off.

Jasper gasped too, but hers was in dread. Because now, she just forsaken any chances of being in Lapis’ good graces.

Although the impact was more humiliating that it was painful, the fall kindled whatever rage Jasper had sparked inside Lapis, snapping to glare up at the Quartz with a lurid gleam in her eyes.

“No, no-- I-it was an accident--” Jasper struggled to stutter, but Lapis didn't even bother to let her apologize as she cut her off.

“Shut the fuck _up_ , you mindless _BRUTE_!!”

Her voice grew in both chaos and volume as Lapis pushed herself back up with a low predatory growl.

Jasper’s stomach dropped when the water gem raised a single, clawed hand and gave a jagged twist of her fingers in the empty air. She couldn't even brace before water was cloaked around her ankles, sweeping in so fast that they grabbed her before even forming the shape of chains.

All it took was a harsh yank to recover the few feet Jasper had pushed herself back, and finally she was in reach of those claws once more.

“ _Please_ , Lapis!! I’m _sorry_ … I didn't mean-- AAHHH--!!”

Interrupting Jasper’s apology, Lapis pierced the fabric around one of the Quartz’ thighs to dig in her one of her set of claws. Not even bothering making the gashes superficial, the blue gem pushed down hard and deep until she plunged her fingers in midway to the knuckle, tearing past all layers of skin and ripping into the firm, sensitive muscle beneath.

She didn't remove them, either, as she actively kept her fingers lodged into the muscle tissue even when blood seeped out and gushed from the spaces between her and the Quartz’ flesh.

“ _Please_ , Lapis, n-no--! Please take th-them out… It… It _HURTS_ \--!”

Involuntary, Jasper’s body clenched in distress, but the muscles around Lapis’ fingers shot through with blinding pain when they tried to tighten. She was blocking them from turning taut, and the split-through tissue burned in agony the longer it kept trying to clench. Only when she felt Jasper pant heavily and struggle to force herself to stop tensing her muscles, Lapis finally moved. Yet tragically for Jasper, it was just to curl in her claws into the now-soften muscle and effectively tear and sever parts of the long tissue running from her tendons.

Reflexively, Jasper’s hips tried pulling her leg back as she screamed at the sensitive nerves and fibers Lapis left raw in her wake. Yet, the water chains around her ankles gripped mercilessly to keep her still.

Her mind was overrun with pain and couldn't process anything else but making it stop. Desperately, despite it being far from her best interests, Jasper reached to grab Lapis’ arm in frantic agitation. The water gem just barely caught the movement, and had both of the Quartz’ wrists engulf in water just as her large hands touched against her forearm. With a half-minded swat of her free hand, Lapis commanded the new water chains to pull Jasper's arms back, pinning the larger gem with a thud. And as punishment, the fingers she had lodge in her legs muscles began twisting slowly, carefully trying to sever as much tissue as possible.

But Lapis stopped soon thereafter, with Jasper’s traumatic screaming getting loud enough to make the blue gem grimace. The screaming made the guilt inside her feel so much worse. Lapis was trying to sate it originally, but now she was just amplifying it.

All the memories from being Malachite burned in her head. Lapis needed her to stop-- Jasper’s pain was making her own heavier.

“Shushh, Jasper, shhh--! If you don't shut up right now, I'll tear down to the bone. I'll make sure you won't be walking for _weeks_.”

With a smarting whine at the pain, Jasper’s scream whimpered out with a hard clench of her teeth.

This was bad. Her blood felt hot. Her veins felt cold. And the gashes… they felt blinding. It all hurt so much.

But obedience will save her. It has to.

It has to save her because nothing else in this entire universe _can_.

Just barely from the blur of hot tears in her eyes, Jasper noticed Lapis’ expression relaxed a bit in relief once she stopped screaming. Even the fingers stuffing the bloody slits into her thigh lightened up slightly, and the blue gem let out a long, concentrated sigh.

Her voice was much more composed when she spoke again.

“This wasn't supposed to hurt, Jasper. Are you ready to be submissive and accept your reward, or do we need a review of what you learned last night about cats?”

The Quartz blankly stared back, taken aback with mortification that Lapis still wanted to force her through an orgasm when she was in so much crippling pain.

But her hesitation wasn't well received, with Lapis’ free hand invasively beginning to run up Jasper’s thigh, making the larger gem wince when she felt Lapis grab harshly and carnal over her crotch.

“Awwe, can't decide? Then maybe a review _is_ what you need.” Her threat was an insensitive coo, and Lapis groped and gripped demeaningly at Jasper’s clothed vulva as she continued.

“Hell, we could even do both. What better reward than getting to climax with my throbbing tentacle _inside_ you…? Mmn, I bet that's what you actually want, don't you Jasp--”

“NO!!! I’ll be submissive!! I'll… I’ll accept m-my… my reward…” The sudden cut in just barely saved Jasper from Lapis finishing whatever cruel suggestion she was threatening, but the blue gem didn't seem to mind. Either outcome would play into her favor, and Jasper’s fearfully compliance made it easier. Or, at the very least, entertaining.

In a smooth stroke of her middle and forefinger, she trailed up the length of Jasper’s vulva with a taunting drag of her claws, silently threatening the consequences of disobedience. If it wasn’t for the thunderous pain seizing her shredded thigh muscle and the water chains forcefully holding her spread, Jasper would've reflexively closed her legs at the vile sensation of being touched. That was the last place she’d ever want those vicious claws. Yet, here they were, with the meager barrier of her uniform keeping them from her sensitive, soft skin. She could already feel her lower abdomen tense in harsh anticipation, already agonizing in the memories of being ripped open the night before.

“ _Enthusiasm_ , Jasper. Will it kill you to act a little eager?” Lapis coldly corrected, still drawing the tips of her claws up and down to ghost over the fabric of Jasper’s groin.

With a harsh bite on her plump lips to hold back a groan of discomfort, Jasper squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed a hard gulp of air to clear her tone of any reluctance.

With as much yearn Jasper could feign in light of the pain of Lapis’ other hand still stuffing the couple-inch deep holes she torn down into the flesh of her thigh, the large gem steadied her voice to respond with the closest noise she could fake to a keening moan.

“ _Please_ reward me. I’ll do anything you want, Lapis.” Although she spoke through gritted teeth whilst arching her back involuntarily to the tearing into her thigh, Jasper tried to play it off as desperate desire rather than bodily disgust. She had to sell something believable if she had any hope of Lapis removing her fingers from those raw gashes.

“Anything, hmm? Then flash out of your uniform.” Lapis snickered with a little tug of the fabric over Jasper’s vulva, and the larger gem could’ve swore she heard a slight tear.

There was a mournful frown, and Jasper bitterly shook her head in dismay. She couldn’t flash out of her clothing even if she wanted to. Whatever havoc Lapis had wrecked upon her mind put her conscious command over her gem out of sync, and she couldn’t retain control over something as basic as a clothing phase.

But, maybe she could act her way out. If Jasper played in compliance to how Lapis wants her to behave, she could hopefully avoid further punishment.

“Could y-you… please rip it off?” Whilst Jasper mustered enough fake desire to lace her tone believably, her eyes were squeezed shut when she spoke. She hoped Lapis didn’t notice the few drops of tears beading from the corner of her pressed lashes.

There was a sudden withdrawal of the fingers stuffing the holes splitting her thigh, and Jasper gasp at the surge of blood that gushed once Lapis removed her clawed digits. With a little chuckle, the blue gem gave a flick of her wrist to shake off the heavy crimson coat over her hand. It speckled little red droplets onto Jasper’s uniform, but the mess wasn’t going to matter very soon.

“That’s more like it. You’re such a desperate whore.”

Before Lapis had even finished her mocking, there was another sound of tearing fabric. Yet this time, the noise was sharp and zipping, and Jasper felt the uniform shredded over her punctured thigh captured in between Lapis’ two hands and barbarically split up to her groin. With another struggle to muffle a little whine of heartbreak, Jasper tighten her eyes shut even more as the ripping quickly turned to eager slashes and tears with Lapis’ claws wanting to expose as much skin below her waist as possible. Not only did it leave both her uniform’s waist area (as well as what remained of her panties) in tatters, but it left careless little nicks and cuts into Jasper’s skin. Lapis didn’t even bother to be gentle or considerate. Wherever she touched, she left pain.

“Th-thank-- uo--” Jasper’s false gratitude died midway in her throat, choking on the verge of a sob when she felt Lapis’ two fingers press harshly along her slit, still with the dangerous claws shifted on. The sharp tips dragged just over the skin of her sensitive folds, and it shot a surge of dread through the Quartz that she couldn’t hide. She didn't even try to stifle the obvious cringe that seized her body.

Lapis tsked, holding still for a moment in wait for Jasper to correct herself. This reward was not going to be given painlessly if the Quartz intended on being reluctant.

But Jasper hardly could speak, with a heavy clench of her throat almost stealing away her voice altogether as she whimpered pleadingly to the blue gem pressed up against her entrance.

“Please please _please_ take away the claws!! I _can’t_... I c-can’t do this _again_ \--! I… I don’t--” A violent sob seized her vocals, and Jasper allowed her entire act to fall apart in a desperate cry.

“Lapis, _please_!! I-I don’t want to be _tore_ again!!!”

A livid fist bashed into her stomach as punishment, and Jasper’s abdominal muscles didn’t even have time to tense and buffer the blunt hit. The Quartz hardly choked out a little half-breath whine before the fist slammed into her gut again, even harder than before. An agonizing burst was felt inside her, and Jasper cried out at the rupture of some poor organ within.

“ _You_ don’t get to make that decision.” Lapis hissed in warning for Jasper to settled back down, but the Quartz could not see this going anywhere if she let it happen. Her compliance wasn't stopping Lapis from hurting her.

“You d-don’t understand… I-I… I won’t come….” Through jagged and pained pants, Jasper barely responded with heavy desperation in her voice. She was already in so much pain, and any more would strain her body too much to even be physically able to climax. Especially with those vicious claws out and against her, threatening her tender and sensitive insides with malicious harm.

A uncharacteristically amused chuckle sputtered out, as if that was the most absurd thing Lapis had ever heard. Both unsettled and bewildered, Jasper shivered with an eerie chill racing under her skin. The laughter Lapis gave sounded sinisterly dark, as if it wasn’t Jasper’s sanity, consent, and comfort all on the line here.

With a slight wipe of her eye, Lapis’ chuckle died off with a wide smirk.

“That's hilarious, but no. You’re going to come no matter _what_ I’m putting up you. And do you know why, Jasper…?”

A frantic, thrashing shake of her head was the only response from the Quartz. Her vocals were lost in noisy, uncontrolled sobs of panic. She wasn’t ready to go through this again. She’ll _never_ be ready.

“You’re a disgusting fucking _whore_. That’s why.”

In a harsh shove, Lapis neglected any preparation as she forced in two clawed fingers, purposefully slashing up Jasper’s tight walls on the thrust in.

There was a hard, devastating clench Lapis felt around her two fingers as the Quartz’ entire body seized in agony, back contorting to an aggressive arch and voice straining with an ear-piercing scream. The forceful tense of her raw thigh muscles overflowed gushes of blood over the curve of her leg, pooling generously on the floor alongside the puddle of blood beginning to seep from her cunt.

“I CAN’T I CAN’T I _CAN’T_ … I CAN’T DO THIS _AGAIN_!!” Jasper’s heartbreaking screams did nothing to stop the harsh removal of the two fingers, followed by the digits slamming back in at a new angle to rake and split open an undamaged area of her walls.

“Shhh… I’m doing you a favor. This will get you nice and slick for me, so let’s make sure you’re evenly coated, alright?” As if she was comforting a child whilst tearing off a bandaid, Lapis cooed mockingly gentle to the unhinged, delirious Quartz spasming in tormenting pain. After all, she originally gave Jasper the impression that this was just going to be some shallow move to just get her to climax, quick and easy. Yet now, she was implying clearer intentions to just have her way with the Quartz again, seeming to care a lot less if the larger gem complied along to warrant less pain. Lapis was too worked up, needing to see the Quartz writhe in agony just to feel in control again.

Jasper just barely started to process in her cluttered, overwhelmed head that there was a prominent bulge starting to strain Lapis’ skirt.

There was a chaotic squirm of her hips to get those cruel fingers out of her, but Jasper only ended panting with how it agitated the stinging slashes running up the insides of her walls, burning into places deeper than she’d ever thought the smaller gem could get inside her. It was sickening that Lapis was going to lube her up with blood rather than take the time or care to get her naturally wet. It was almost like Lapis wanted to make this as painful as possible.

“MAKE IT _STOP_!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO MUCH-- _AAAH_ \--!!”

Lapis twisted in her claws to shred into a tender spot deep inside the Quartz, causing a fount of blood to fill her thickly from the inside.

“No you don’t. You _love_ me, no matter what I do to you. You’re really fucked up, Jasper.”

With a cynical conclusion, her two digits unceremoniously raked out of her raw cunt, only to be followed by the heavy gush of blood surpassing any amount Lapis had made her bleed before. What could only vaguely be called sobs from the Quartz had trembled off in volume, with Jasper forcefully drinking in as much air as possible as she panted out the raw pain splitting deep into her.

And whilst she was hyperventilating and distracted with her little attempt to ride out the pain, the large gem hardly noticed when Lapis pushed down on the hem of her skirt and panties, with a little fumble to get them off her ankles. With a heavy breath of her own, Lapis held her thick, engorged tentacle in one hand whilst she fumbled with Jasper’s folds in the other, with her entire groin area being covered so heavily in blood that Lapis had to feel around to find where her slit was.

Jasper was too dazed in her torturous pain to register that Lapis’ hand was invasively prodding around her entrance, until the water gem let out a carnal growl of victory.

With a doleful whimper in realization, Jasper felt Lapis aggressively thrust the entirety of her length into her raw, bloody cunt.

Pausing with a satisfied moan, Lapis momentarily tossed back her head at how warm Jasper’s blood felt and how deliciously her walls clenched around her in agony. The sheer lewd nature of the noise left an empty feeling in Jasper’s head, starting to feel a tad depersonalized from how much pleasure the blue gem seemed to be getting off of the Quartz’ tormenting pain.

Whimpering sorrowfully, Jasper barely found the words to speak with how cracked and strained her voice was from screaming. But she did nothing more than whisper, needing no volume or strength in her tone to convey the heartbreaking emptiness behind it.

“Why do y-you like _hurting_ me…?”

Rolling her head back down to meet Jasper’s dreary dull eyes, Lapis smirk and she pulled back on her hips to slam them back in with another purposefully loud moan. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t break away those accusing, empty eyes. In fact, it hardly even made them falter.

The guilt inside Lapis burned in remorse, reminding her that it wanted compromise.

Whatever grin the water gem wore melted quickly into a scowl, gripping harshly at Jasper’s hips as she slammed in again, but this time harsher with a low growl.

“Because you fucking _deserve_ it. You’re a _worthlessly_ ruined Quartz and a _disgusting_ little whore.”

Those eyes still didn’t break away, even when Lapis thrusted intentionally to strike against the shredded spot of tenderness deep inside Jasper. There was only a few pathetically broken-up gasps to indicate that Lapis was even hitting that bloody raw spot, and it made her pound in even harder to break the Quartz back into her sobs. But she stayed as she was, whimpering in understatement to her pain as she barely replied back.

“ _Deserve_ …?” Jasper slurred the word blankly, as if it was foreign to her.

“I… I was submissive. I stayed your prisoner…” A stressful waver broke up her words, struggling to continue. “I-I do everything y-you say. I let you _use_ m-me. I let you _hurt_ me… Why aren’t you _happy_ , Lapis?”

A merciless thrust hit deep inside her, and it made the Quartz suck in a hiss at the tearing sensation. Whatever pain Lapis could see on Jasper’s face and feel in her body, the blue gem desperately tried to ravish in. She needed to remind herself she was in power here, and Jasper’s petty little questions meant nothing to her.

“Don’t pretend like you could make _anyone_ happy. You’re such a pain, just shut the fuck up _already_.”

Another fist rammed into Jasper’s tender abdomen, ceding all feelings to a wave of sickening displacement from whatever organ was ruptured inside her. Whilst she was choking at the pain, she felt a hand leave her hip to haphazardly fumble around her bloody folds in a spiteful search.

Still keeping up with her sloppy, powerful thrusts, Lapis successfully found Jasper’s neglected little clit and jerked her fingers back and forth over it, giving no build-up as she hastily bombarded it with stimulation. Taken aback by her own raw sensitivity, the Quartz yelped shamefully at the forceful sensation. It led Lapis to bite back a grin, knowing that she’ll still be able to demean Jasper with an empty, dehumanizing climax.

The pacing was overwhelming, but not in any pleasurable way. It all felt shallow and forced. The Quartz’ hips were recoiling away from the almost painful rubbing, and she wasn't sure when she started reflexively curling her toes until they started going numb.

Whatever cost was due from all her screaming was reaping its debt, as Jasper’s throat was hoarse and sore when she finally tried speaking louder than a whisper. If it wasn't for the grossly wet-sounding slams growing louder as Lapis pounded her, she wouldn't even raise her voice at all.

“It d-doesn't feel good-- it _hurts_ \-- Lapis _please_ \-- please s-stop-- Lapis I don't-- I don't _want this_!!”

Her pleading rambles were cut up by the erratic pants, as Jasper could not find an ounce of stability from the air sitting in her lungs. It wasn't enough, and she keep gasping for deeper breaths whenever she dared speak.

“Go ahead and keep whining about it, Jasper. I'll make it hurt _more_.”

There was a low, darkly possessive growl from the gem ramming her between her legs, and she began to careless nick at the soft folds around Jasper’s clit when she rolled her clawed fingers around.

There was a devastating grimace across Jasper’s face to acknowledge that nearly every tender, sensitive nerve on her vulva was being abused to cause nothing but pain. Arguably, it was one of the softest, most touchy spots she had on her body, meant solely for pleasure with herself or whatever partner she trusted to touch her there.

But she didn't trust Lapis. She feared her. Lapis was treating one of the most intimate, delicate parts of her body like it had no value, and deserved no respect. Using the Quartz’ body for her own satisfaction wasn't even enough anymore. Lapis dared take something as joyful and self-rewarding as a sexual climax, and weaponized it against Jasper. It wasn't even about Lapis’ own pleasure (though it definitely was a sadistic byproduct); it was mainly about Jasper’s pain.

Lapis loved that she had the power to taint something as intimate and personal as Jasper’s orgasms. She loved the mere thought that, whenever in the future Jasper is lonely and with herself, and just wants a few hazy moments to roll her fingers over herself and feel good for a little while… she’ll remember this. Lapis hopes her hand with tremble, and instinctively pull away from her groin whimpering in fear of getting herself to climax. She hopes Jasper will have to cry for hours afterward just to mute the knowledge that Lapis had forever tainted her own pleasure.

And she hopes that Jasper will never be free of this memory, once she gets her to orgasm with Lapis pounding her bleeding cunt while those clawed fingers jerked cruelly over her clit.

The mere thoughts swarming in Lapis’ mind made her groan ravishingly, almost losing her pacing as her hips twitched with the feeling of her climax on the horizon. But she was determined to force Jasper to come first, so she steadied out to a much slower, more consistent pace whilst her two fingers quicken over Jasper’s clit.

The Quartz made an doleful noise somewhere between a whine and a pant of pain. Her brow creased heavily, and her eyes kept squeezed shut. But it didn't stop thick tears from beading out the corners of her eyes and rolling over her wet cheeks.

“Aaa… aaah--!! It _hurts_ \--!! It hur… _nuuaah_ \--!!! Lapis stop--!!!! It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts…!!”

Lapis hissed that Jasper was brokenly repeating herself like a record needle stuck in a groove. Her free hand left the larger gem’s hip to pull back Jasper’s clitoral hood, exposing as much of the delicate nub as she could. The two fingers jerked back and forth over the painfully swollen clit as fast as possible, keeping the motion thoughtlessly aggressive.

The response was satisfyingly rewarding, watching Jasper painfully arch her back as much as she could manage in her restraints, with her head tossed far enough back that Lapis couldn't even see her face. She didn't need to see it to know she was crying, though. Jasper’s cracked and strained sobs were loud enough to hear even over the lewd wet slaps of their hips.

“Please no… _please_.. no, no-- _NO_!! _NOO_!! _AAAUH_ \--!!!!!”

Lapis felt a seizing, spasming clench around her engorged tentacle, and threw her head back with a delicious moan at the sudden tightness.

Those dead, dull golden eyes were shot open at the force of her hollow climax. Her restrained legs gave a violent quiver, reflexively trying to jerk her thighs together but being too heavily chained to even move an inch.

Jasper’s mouth was still open, but no more noises were coming out. Only the drawn out, empty gasp at her meaningless release.

It felt vile.

There was no pleasure.

Finally, the orgasm dipped off and left her as painfully as it took her. Sheer exhaustion began to ache through her limbs and muscles, and every further jerk over her clit earned a sharp painful cry of overstimulation.

Groaning when the sweet spasming around her stop, Lapis rolled her head forward and withdrew both her hands to grip sadistically into Jasper’s hips. It fluid thrusts, Lapis resumed pounding surprisingly deep into Jasper, and the larger gem yelped in agony at the oversensitivity of her exhausted, tender walls.

“Fuck, that felt so _good_ … Did you like that?? Liked the feeling of clenching around me, you disgusting whore?”

As her hips slapped loudly against Jasper’s, Lapis just now began to notice that the blood covering the entirely of Jasper’s folds had gotten all over her own groin, too. Moaning, Lapis bit her lip at the sheer amount that was smeared all over her thighs and hips just from pounding into the Quartz.

“Pl-please get o-out of me…” Jasper whimpered, voicing breaking from the tremble of her weeping. She felt as if her whole body betrayed her. She didn't want her own clit anymore; it was disgusting and she felt like it didn’t deserve to be pleasured ever again. Hell, she didn't even want the entirety of her vulva, nor any of the delicate nerves in it. Jasper was going to be sure to removed it all in her next regeneration. She doesn't care that it’ll bar her from pleasure. She knows she’d never feel it anyway.

“You bitch… I'll get out of you the second I’m done, so be useful and go back to that sweet clenching…” Not even giving Jasper the opportunity to voluntarily squeeze herself around Lapis’ tentacle, the enthralled blue gem rammed her closed fist into Jasper’s damaged gut. The impacting pain forced her body to tense-- and by extension, walls to clench.

Grinding her teeth at the sensation, Jasper felt herself tighten over Lapis overwhelmingly hard. It was enough to be extremely painful for her destroyed walls, and just tight enough to pull Lapis over the edge.

With a disturbingly euphoric moan, Lapis buried herself to the hilt into that sweet tightness. Just when Jasper felt the tentacle inside her swell, it was already filling her deep inside her womb with Lapis’ grossly hot come. There was even a wince of agony when some of it got into the wide gashes running up her walls-- it hurt… It burnt like _acid_. Jasper could feel it leaking into her veins, singeing and foreign.

“ _O-oh please no, L-Lapis! Pull out-- PLEASE!!_ ”

Lapis barely even listened Jasper’s desperate pleads to get her to pull out mid-way. Ignoring her, Lapis’ tentacle throbbed, pulsing as rope after rope of come filled into Jasper and seeped into her heavy slashes. It felt like it was eroding away at her insides with how corrosive the burn stung.

Only when she was well spent, Lapis groaned and finally tugged her soften tentacle out. Even though her cerulean member was predominately red from the thick coat of blood, she neglected to wipe it off as she lazily shifted back to her vulva, drawing out a sigh of content.

The symbolic gift of making Jasper climax had worked. Her guilt from Malachite was almost completely drained.

Yet while Lapis was feeling great, Jasper could not recall ever feeling so disgusting in her life. This was worse than before-- she can't believe she actually climaxed. She can't believe that she clenched tightly and orgasmed with her abuser’s throbbing tentacle inside her.

This wasn't her body. It was alien to her. It was a traitor. Jasper even hoped Lapis beats her again. She wants her own body to be punished for what it did. It didn't deserve pleasure. Only _pain_.

“So fucking messy… You're cleaning all this up, Jasper. I’ll spare you an hour to rest, but after that I want you off the floor and cleaning up this disgusting puddle of blood.” Lapis spoke cold yet surprisingly casual to the Quartz as she reached for her panties and skirt, slipping them back over her waist. Groaning in realization, she flicked her wrist in motion to retract the water chains and release the Quartz, before stepping back and awaiting what she assumed was either going to be whining or sobbing from Jasper. Oddly enough, the response was neither.

Finally released, Jasper rolled onto her side and curled into herself, whispering something quietly yet fervently to herself. Straining her ears, Lapis just barely made out the breathless, hushed words.

Jasper’s eyes were empty and lost while she whispered.

“I hate you... I _hate_ you…”

The blue gem snorted in amusement, earning a weak glance over from Jasper.

“I already told you, you’ll never hate me.” She sneered, but Jasper’s eyes looked unaffected and blank.

“I wasn't speaking to you,” the Quartz whispered, giving a trembling rub of her large hand over her damaged abdomen.

Lapis had to stifle a little gasp when she realized Jasper was talking to herself.

Jasper was reminding her body she hated it. Reminding herself that she’ll never forgive it.

A familiar curl of guilt reignited faintly inside her, quickly invalidating the reward she'd just given. It bitterly churned remorse in Lapis’ stomach; Malachite’s guilt wasn’t satisfied anymore. The reward was meaningless.

It wanted compromise again. A real compromise; a real gift.

“F-fuck, stop that.” The blue gem intervened, hating how Jasper was reawakening the guilt from Malachite. Although it was hard, Lapis knew a real reward is the only thing that’ll work, especially considering this one turned rotten real fast.

There was a little defeated sigh, and Lapis tenderly reached out to rub the thigh that she didn’t dig her nails into. A little flash flickered over her hands to shift out of her claws, further supporting a gentle caress over the trembling, large thigh.

“Name a reward, Jasper. You were fairly submissive, so I’ll give you something on your own terms.” While her voice was surprisingly genuine, Jasper flashed her a bewildered look of disbelief.

“What…?” There was no way she heard her right. Nothing Lapis did was ever on Jasper’s terms. Lapis took everything from her, and the Quartz couldn’t fathom an inclination the blue gem would have to show her a sliver of sympathy.

Lapis averted her eyes. “J-just name something, okay?? I’ll do anything with a few exceptions. You don't get to go into your gem, you don't get to be shattered, and you don't get Malachite. Now, tell me what you want.”

Jasper sucked in a jagged breath when she realized Lapis was serious. Her options was pretty narrow, though, and the blue gem was already asserting her dominance by taking Jasper’s hope of regression. So much for her plans of reforming without a vulva.

But, even with her few options, Jasper knew one thing Lapis could give her that she wanted. In a steady, desperate whisper, she requested her one desire before Lapis could change her mind and take it back.

_“...Hold me.”_

There was a slight jump of Lapis’ shoulders, surprised at what the larger gem wished her reward was. Interpreting Lapis’ hesitation with panic, Jasper stuttered to elaborate.

“P-please, it just all hurts too much… Just, let me pretend you _care_ , Lapis… let me feel like _someone_ cares…”

It was far from what Lapis thought she would've asked for, but it wasn't unreasonable. In fact, there was even a little sigh of relief-- the blue gem was actually thinking of much worse rewards Jasper could've requested. She'd immediately assumed Jasper’s desires were dark and barbarically simplistic, and thought maybe the Quartz would want to shift a tentacle and get to be inside her for once, or perhaps ask for Lapis to eat her out. She wouldn't even be able to comply if Jasper's request were of that nature, even though it was the first thing she expected to hear.

Overall, Lapis just thought the one thing Jasper would want right now was control of her own sexual pleasure, being with how violently it was just stolen from her.

But she didn't ask for that.

Jasper wanted comfort.

She wanted someone to hold her tight and stroke her hair. She wanted someone to whisper sweet little lies of ‘it's going to be okay’ and ‘nothing will hurt you’. She wanted to nuzzle against someone, and pretend she's in the arms of someone who loves her and will make sure she's safe.

Jasper didn’t have anyone, so she wanted Lapis to give her an illusion. Nothing in her reality was salvable; it was all agonizing, and painful, and unbearable. So, even if for a few moments, Jasper wanted to feel someone’s soothing arms around her, and close her eyes in make-believe that she was somewhere safe. Somewhere where a hand on her skin doesn’t make her flinch in fear. Somewhere where she felt strong and happy without needing Malachite. Somewhere where her body didn’t feel utterly disgusting.

Somewhere where Lapis meant it when she said ‘I love you’.

Just the few, dream-like thoughts running through her head made the Quartz curl her knees up to her chin, and hide her face behind her folded forearms. No one cared. Peridot didn’t even bother to stick around. The Crystal Gems trusted Lapis with her. No one asked whether or not it was odd Lapis wanted to take her back so fast back on the boat. They didn’t even wonder how Jasper was treated those months under the ocean as Malachite. No one cared to ask if she was being treated well then, and no one cared to ask if she’s being treated well now.

“...Fine. I’ll hold you.”

The hesitant, but defeated words caught Jasper off-guard, and she twisted over with wide-eyes to see if Lapis was being sincere. Last thing she needed was any of Lapis’ convincing acting to tease her into tears.

But Lapis’ eyes were locked on the floor in reluctance, as she slowly sank onto her knees and joined the Quartz on the floor. Slow to move, she settled herself against the wall with a sigh.

“Come here, Jasper.” The words were more like a shameful defeat than a welcoming invitation, but nevertheless Lapis opened up her arms wide to accept the Quartz.

For a few moments, Jasper didn’t move. But her eyes slightly watered, and a little warm spot in her chest gave her a fluttering feeling.

Comfort. She didn’t care that the same gem that just pinned her down and forced herself inside her was offering it. All Jasper cared about was that someone was willing to give her it. Even if Lapis was offering her while averting her eyes like Jasper was the most miserable, disgusting thing she had the sorrow of looking at.

Hesitantly, as if she expected the blue gem to call it all off and throw a punch across her face, Jasper inched forward. Yet Lapis kept her arms up in a half-hearted invitation, and gave no indication that this was a facade.

The little piece of Jasper that still loved Lapis went alight. Without even realizing it, she pushed up to go to her, only to have the searing pain inside her abdomen and between her legs making her stumble and collapse. She landed pathetically with her head in Lapis’ lap, and immediately gave a cry for comfort as her large arms engulfed Lapis’ waist in an embrace. The cling was desperate and tight, and Jasper was already nuzzling the side of her face against the soft skin of Lapis’ abdomen with a shaky whine.

“ _La...Lapis…_ ” Her hoarse voice was whimpering pleading against the blue gem’s skin, and Lapis stifled the verge of a shiver at how gross it felt for Jasper to rub her teary, wet face on her. The Quartz was bloody and repulsive, but with a distasteful grimace Lapis slowly closed her arms around Jasper to reciprocate the embrace.

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay, Jasper....” Lapis went along with the the larger gem’s wishes on pretending the pain away, and that earned a broken little smile from Jasper. She made an uncharacteristically high cry of gilded delight.

The Quartz already knew this was all a lie. But she didn’t care; Lapis was holding her while speaking such soothing words… it was the most bittersweet feeling she could imagine.

A slender blue hand stroked the top of the larger gem’s head, so tenderly that Jasper could hardly imagine it was the same hand that had shifted claws to tear her up. The fingers gently tangled into her messy and slightly blood-splattered hair, and spun little circles to curl the beige locks around her digits.

She huffed when Jasper’s arms tightened painfully around her, as the Quartz desperately pressed herself as much as possible against Lapis. In a uncomfortable pant, the smaller gem squirmed slightly, but didn’t say anything. Lapis was going to let her have this.

The hot breath against the skin of Lapis’ abdomen trembled with a soft sob, barely speaking louder than a whisper.

“I-I love you, Lapis… I love you…”

Jasper was confessing like this was new information, and the blue gem went along as her free hand felt down to caress the cheek Jasper didn’t have pressed against Lapis’ abdomen.

“It means the world to me that you do,” Lapis cooed softly to keep up the illusion, despite the curl of nausea in her stomach. Jasper was disgusting... She was torn up, bleeding, and sobbing like the devastated mess she was; Lapis didn’t want to be anywhere near her. If it wasn’t for the curl of guilt begging to be sated inside her, she would push the Quartz off right now and leave her in her depressing spiral of misery.

It hurt that Lapis couldn't even bother to fake a little ‘I love you’ back. Jasper already knew she didn't. She already knew Lapis enjoyed playing with the Quartz’ emotions too much to muster the believability of saying ‘I love you’ without the payback of it hurting Jasper. Even thinking about saying it to comfort the miserable Quartz churned Lapis’ stomach in the wrong way.

Jasper felt nauseous too, but hers had a more… physical origin. Something was violently wrong inside of her, but then again, what wasn’t? Not only was anything inside her from her groin to her navel was shredded and raw, but Lapis’ come was seeping into her bloodstream and body from the open gashes. It burnt sickeningly sharp, being misplaced in other parts of Jasper’s body that wasn't just her womb.

Not to mention the ruptured organ inside her. Whatever it was-- hell, Jasper desperately hoped it wasn't an important one-- it caused discoloration with a bruise-like color under her skin, foretelling the internal bleeding beneath.

It was more than nauseating. Something inside her wasn't right.

Lapis noticed the tight embrace dwindled in strength, as Jasper strained out an agitated groan.

“I-I don't feel well, Lapis…”

The smaller gem responded with a reassuring stroke on her cheek, though she didn't speak right away. Lapis needed a moment to remind herself that she’ll no longer feel guilty after this, and with that, her lips parts to softly respond.

“I know you hurt, but it's going to be okay. I'm right here.” Lapis shut her eyes tight to whisper as convincingly genuine as possible, but they quickly shot open when she felt Jasper sloppily push off of her.

The Quartz’ insides were twisting violently, and she had to sit upright just to ease the nausea.

“No, no… I don't feel good… Lapis please, _oh stars_ , please help me--”

Jasper leaned over, dropping her head down as she sucked in loud, fast pants.

Startled, the smaller gem scrambled to her feet to step away from Jasper in panic. Lapis didn't know what to do, but she definitely wasn't going to try and help. The whole act of pretending to care was already hard enough.

A dry, heaving noise finally cut off Jasper’s erratic breathing. Lapis cringed violently.

“Are you… throwing up?!? Fuck, Jasper, that's _disgusting_!!”

The Quartz hardly heard her, as all of her senses were fuzzy and vague besides the clenching expulsion of her stomach’s contents. Only after she heaved everything up on the floor, she moaned in agony to the lack of relief in her abdomen, and collapsed onto her side. She still didn't feel well. It’s probably been centuries since the last time she’s thrown up, but from the rare times in her life that she’s have (usually from severe stress during war), Jasper knew she was supposed to feel better afterwards. But everything all hurt just the same, and the clenching nausea in her stomach persisted unwaveringly.

Lapis completely turned away in disgust, and barely stuttered out the confused jumble of thoughts racing in her head.

“W-what the actual fuck?! Jasper!! When did you eat something?! Why the fuck would you _even_ eat something?!?”

A shaky whine croaked from the back of Jasper’s sore throat to the smaller gem's panic.

“I didn't. That's blood, Lapis…”

With a little gasp of disbelief, she turned back around to reexamine the contents Jasper heaved up onto the floor. And sure enough, it was a dark crimson and lacked any texture to suggest it was a partially digested meal. There was no denying it; Jasper was throwing up blood. The orange tone her skin had was already waning off into a paler hue to agree with that notion, with the large Quartz losing more blood on top of the amount overflowing from her thigh and seeping out from her cunt.

Lapis had ruptured her stomach.

Too many physical ailments riddled her insides, and if Jasper was any other type of gem, she would've long been poofed. But she had the misery of being the ‘perfect’ Quartz, with a body that only served to drag out her suffering.

It was unbearable. Jasper wanted to die, but she knew Lapis would never shatter her. She’s cursed to endure whatever extensive harm Lapis wishes upon her, until she either accidentally goes too far and poofs her, or voluntarily sends the Quartz back into her gem.

She wanted to at least be sent back. It was unreasonable beyond any doubt that Jasper was still physically here, but her own durability will keep her form from poofing long past her body’s due date, no matter what her wishes were.

Jasper struggled to sit back up. A large, trembling hand outstretched to desperately grip onto the end of Lapis’ skirt, with the blue gem scowling in disgust that Jasper was trying to reach out for her.

“H-help me... Please, Lapis help me…”

Her dull eyes were empty and blank, yet still begging Lapis to listen.

“Let go of me!” The blue gem hissed as her hand tried tugging her skirt out of Jasper’s hand, but the Quartz’ free one came up and gripped harshly on her slender wrist to halt her.

“No. I'm _not_ letting you go. _Please help me._ ”

The voice was hollow, but demandingly forceful when she spoke. Jasper was delirious, and was far from caring that she was bruising her abuser’s forearm in her hand. Perhaps if her body wasn’t as cripplingly devastated, she would’ve let go and submissively apologized. But Jasper couldn’t take it anymore; she needed to be released. She needed Lapis to let her go back into her gem.

The blue gem’s free hand slammed a fist into the Quartz’ cheek, and while Jasper responded with a low wince when her head was thrown to the side, she refused to release Lapis.

“You better let me go _now_ , Jasper. Or I’ll break your fucking fingers.”

The hand on her slender forearm tighten desperately, disregarding the threat entirely. Jasper didn’t mind further injury. If anything, it only will be one step closer to the Quartz poofing, and at this point Jasper would do anything to escape the pain of being here.

“Send me back to my gem, Lapis. It _hurts_ \-- you have to _help me_ \--”

There was a brutally strong tug, with Lapis yanking back with all the ability she could physically muster. A stretching strain in her shoulder made her stop with a few embarrassed pants, trying to undermine Jasper’s superior strength. She didn't want to give the Quartz any indication that the grip on her forearm even fazed her.

“You can't go back! You don't even have control of your gem!! If I poof you, who knows when you'll be back?!? It could be _days_ , Jasper!!”

With a soft hiss, the Quartz’ grip lighten in betrayal, eyes widening in shock. Lapis had acted like she didn't understand Jasper when she was explaining her lack of control over her gem, but obviously she understood this whole time. The water gem knew she had severed Jasper’s mental connection to her gem, yet still had teased her by commanding her to phase off her uniform. It was appalling-- almost insulting, even. Lapis single-handedly crippled Jasper’s gem to it’s basic instincts of self-preservation, and still didn’t bother wondering whether or not if what she was doing to Jasper was too much.

Or, more realistically, it wasn’t that she wasn’t wondering if it was too much… she just didn’t care. From her time in a mirror, Lapis was left traumatized on a caliber she had no hope of ever fixing. But, even though she couldn’t fix the damage, she could still cope. And destroying someone down to the point where their mind fractures was the most satisfying coping mechanism she had.

She never wondered what repercussions it would have on Jasper. Lapis never even thought it would become as bad as it has, with Jasper almost completely out of sync with her gem, whimpering constantly, and having every other word out of her mouth being ‘please’ or ‘it hurts’.

And for a split second, a tiny bit of panic unraveled within her. Lapis should’ve stopped leaving marks the moment Jasper told her she couldn’t phase out of her uniform. What was even her plan at this point? Keep Jasper from poofing and try to puppeteer her into not showing anyone the marks for the few weeks it’ll take them to heal? Lapis may have her wrapped around her finger, but Jasper’s obedience to her was merely a survival instinct. If the opportunity arose, she had no doubt that Jasper would turn against her and confess Lapis’ secret to the Crystal Gems.

Jasper’s eyes were still shrunken pinpoints of disgusted shock, for she wasn’t yet over the disbelief that Lapis was aware how out of sync her mind was with her gem.

“Y-you knew…? Lapis… This is cruel, I-I can’t believe you… You...” The Quartz stilled her somber thought with a dry draw of air, letting it sit coldly in her lungs where it burned with her bodily damage. Her grip on Lapis tightened harshly once more, and Jasper brought up another hand to grab onto the water gem’s free arm.

“...YOU KNOW HOW BROKEN I AM AND YOU STILL WON’T _HELP_!!” Jasper suddenly yelled, with sorrow filling the place of aggression under her voice.

“Settle down _now_ , Jasper--” Lapis hurried out, trying not to tremble as her fingers curled and fumbled desperately to retain control of her water. This was bad.

“NO!! I CAN’T LET YOU DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE, IT HURTS _SO MUCH_ , LAPIS--”

With a sudden yelp, Lapis felt the bruising grip on one of her forearms tug her down, with the other grip releasing to catch behind her back. In a fast sweep, Jasper’s large hand ran up to Lapis’ gemstone, cascading shivers of dread down her spine. The Quartz’ fingers felt precise and determined, despite the tremble Lapis felt when they pressed along her gem’s surface threateningly.

“ _SHATTER ME_!! IF YOU DON’T, THEN I’LL SHATTER _YOU_.”

There was no hatred in Jasper’s eyes when she screamed at Lapis. After all, she loved Lapis. But, she needed release from her pain. She didn’t want to hurt anymore.

And before the fresh tears gathering in the Quartz’ dull eyes had a chance to trickle off her bottom lashes, she felt a violent pierce through her tender body. Dropping her eyes down, she saw a hole the width of her forearm torn straight through her soft abdomen, shot through with a spike of water.

The floor decorated with fragments of her insides, and Jasper faintly reached down to feel bits of her internals disemboweled around the spike.

A tiny smile ghosted her lips when she looked back up.

“Th-thank you…”

Lapis whimpered when the Quartz abruptly bursted out of existence, leaving behind the horrific puddle of blood and the panicked blue gem.

Jasper was gone.

She wasn’t coming back anytime soon-- not until her gem naturally decides it’s ready to reform.

Lapis sat there, and hesitantly released her spike of water into a puddle on the ground. With a distressed little quiver, her hands reached to collect Jasper’s gem from the bloody ground. It felt grossly warm in her hands from the blood it was sitting in.

“Y-you left me no choice…” The water gem began, biting her lip to hold back another shiver.

“Now what am I supposed to do…?”

 

\-----------------------

 

It’s been eating away at her mind all day, leaving Peridot jumpy and stuck with a migraine. From where her hands gripped the bottom of the box of kittens, she readjusted her grasp so it was stable in her small arms. At the corner of her vision, Pearl noticeably had her arms prepared to catch the box if it fell from the small gem’s hands.

“Careful-- Is it really necessary to move them while they’re this young??” The tall gem nervously glanced between Amethyst and Peridot, unsure why they were relocating the kittens to the barn. As if in silent agreement, Amethyst threw a little frown over to Peridot to answer, and the green gem stuttered nervously as she spotted the barn nearby.

“I-I think Lapis and Jasper would love to be around them! They don’t leave the barn much, so…”

“So… Isn’t that _their_ problem?? Nothing’s stopping them from leaving,” Amethyst noted with a dull tone. Biting hard on her lip, Peridot remembered how ecstatic Jasper acted that morning to be invited out of the barn. It was as if she hated being there, and was willing to take any opportunity to leave.

She shivered, but it wasn’t from the cold night air around her. Even though she was moving the kittens to the barn so Lapis and Jasper wouldn’t be left alone, Peridot had panicked enough to leave Jasper alone at the barn all day. And while a frantic part of herself kept whispering in the back of her head that Jasper was fine, and Lapis was a good friend… the Quartz’ words still kept burning in her head.

_Don’t tell her.  
She beats me when we’re alone._

“H-hey, Peri are you okay??” The purple gem suddenly cut in, noticing Peridot was growing clammy and flushed the closer the three gems got to the barn. She didn’t respond, and only when the group was a few meager yards away did Peridot abruptly stop.

Her eyes caught a gleam of blood from where she could see through the entrance. At that, she suddenly pushed the box into Amethyst’s arms, before spiriting into the barn. Her stomach felt numb.

Shortly thereafter, Pearl and Amethyst paced in, only for both to gasp at the scene they stumbled into, the taller of the two reaching to cup her hand over her mouth. Peridot was shivering, head shaking back and forth in denial. Amethyst’s mind began feeling fuzzy and she had to set the box of kittens down in fear that they would slip from her arms at any moment.

“Lapis…?” Pearl finally spoke up, and the dazed gem shot her head up from where she sat in the middle of a bloody puddle on the floor. The slight gleam of an orange gem shimmered between her fingers from where she tightly held it, and the disheveled blue gem pulled her lips forcefully back into a bitter frown.

Trying her best to remember how it sounded when Jasper did it, Lapis mimicked a loud cry of distress as she slouched over into herself. With a slight open of her hands, she dropped Jasper’s gem to the floor, where it made a wet bounce against the heavy blanket of blood.

“I-I didn’t mean to hurt her. Jasper… She…” Lapis bit her lip, looking down at her stomach in preparation for her planned lie. There was an obvious stain of crimson seeping through from the fabric in her groin area, from the blood that got on her from slamming her hips against Jasper’s. It wasn’t her blood, but no one could prove otherwise.

“...Jasper forced herself on me--” Lapis broke up with a forced sob, with a deliberate tremble as she offered out both her arms to present the bruises Jasper left on her forearms.

Pearl whimpered when she looked down at the blood-stained fabric of her groin, eyes nearly watering as she sank down onto her knees to gently hold the two hands Lapis held out. Amethyst joined, and ran her hand in soft circles on her lower back.

But Peridot didn’t move. She couldn't stop staring at the orange, blood-spattered gem on the ground.

“Oh _stars_ , Lapis… Shhh, it’s going to be okay, we're here…” Pearl immediately offered, and held Lapis’ hands in a warm caress with her own. Gently with her two thumbs, she trailed softly back and forth over her blue skin, almost making tiny circles if it wasn’t for her slight trembling.

The hand behind her back patted reassuringly, almost in agreement, and Lapis struggled to remember how Jasper acted when others touched her. The Quartz was always jumpy, and easily startled by foreign hands on her body.

Adopting that role, Lapis purposefully flinched to mimic a distressed state of mind, and she tore her hands out of Pearl’s with a yank. Vaguely, one of her slender blue hands trailed down her abdomen, to rest on the top of the blood-stained fabric just below her navel. Suddenly, she stuttered out one of Jasper’s frequent phrases.

“It… It hurts so _much_ …”

Pearl nearly cried out in sympathy, and seized Lapis into a desperate embrace to comfort her. Bottom lip trembling, Amethyst dropped her head into her hands on the verge of tears.

“I can’t believe that brute hurt you like _that_ \--” Pearl quivered out, and Lapis gave a purposefully loud sob in support of the fabricated lie.

While the three huddled on the bloody floor, Peridot stood apart.

Pearl had streams running down her cheeks, and the bottom of Amethyst’s eyes gathered a few droplets of tears. The blue gem between them was making loud, exaggerated sobbing noises with every breath she took.

But Lapis wasn’t crying. She was making the noises, but there were no tears in her eyes, nor down her face.

Peridot swallowed a hard lump of guilt.

The denial inside her snapped broken.

She was too late.

She couldn’t help Jasper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be the last chapter, but I decided the epilogue will be it's own.  
> Chapter five should be posted immediately after this one. I half-considered putting it all in one chapter, but this chapter is already like 12,000 words so no. It's just gonna be it's own chapter lol
> 
> Also I'm so sorry for anyone who read this chapter. Hopefully the epilogue with tie together the final pieces so this won't be so painful.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis wonders if Jasper is still lucid after all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, little section to expand on what happened at the end of this story.

It was a lazy evening at Steven’s house, and Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis had been binging some mindless TV shows for the last few hours awaiting Steven to come back home from Connie’s. The blue gem wasn’t even paying much attention, in fact she was on the verge of dozing off from where she was leaning against Steven’s bed, until she heard a jagged gasp from Amethyst.

In sleepy confusion, her attention spiked as she focused on what had startled her.

It was then that Lapis realized it was over the TV show, which was in the middle of an aggressive scene between a slender human girl and a larger, intimidating man. He had suggestively slammed her against the wall, and although the camera angles were elusive and teasing, the whole ordeal hinted a sexual assault was taking place.

In a flash, the flustered purple gem fumbled for the remote and shut it off, immediately reaching a hand onto Lapis’ shoulder. In response, the blue gem let out an irritated sigh that the incident must always be an interruption in her life, but she was quick to play it off as a little gasp of distress.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know the show was gonna get like that--” She stuttered to console Lapis, whilst ignoring that Peridot was growing fidgety watching them. But the green gem didn’t say anything.

“Don’t even worry about it,” Lapis offered with a weak smile, hiding that fact she was extremely annoyed by exaggerating her response with little flinches to play up with everyone’s expectations of what a victim would act like. “It was awhile ago. I’m fine.”

Peridot shivered, but the other two gems didn’t notice. As if to check up on her too, nonetheless, Amethyst tossed a glance over to Peridot to see if she was also fine. Whilst she looked clammy and uncomfortable, she didn’t say anything.

But Amethyst didn’t expect her to, anyway.

After all, Peridot’s been mute since the incident.

It was unsettling that such a talkative gem, and one of her closest friends at that, suddenly became mute like that-- but Garnet had explained delicately to Amethyst that people deal with trauma in different ways. She explained that Peridot had to cope with the knowledge that one of her Homeworld friends had assaulted the other, and watch the devastating aftermath of trauma directly on Lapis.

And it wasn’t as if Peridot could speak to correct her.

She knew what Jasper told her.

But her words could never quite get out of her throat in any formation that wasn’t just a whine or a sigh. The others accepted that she was merely in shock, however long lasting and embedded it was, and never wondered why Peridot refuses to be alone in the same room with Lapis without someone else being there. Same goes for others, as well… Peridot won’t leave anyone alone with Lapis.

Lapis groaned in further irritation when she felt a soft nuzzle against her hip, and reluctantly stood up to distance herself from the cat pressing against her.

“Oh, Joy, leave her alone,” Amethyst light-heartedly chided the silver-coated cat, reaching to carefully cradle the feline in her arms. When Lapis didn’t settle back onto the floor, the purple gem stood up too.

“Here, I could, umm… I could put her outside with Puma and Percy.” She offered the words gently, knowing that Lapis always acted a bit off around Jasper’s kitten. They would’ve renamed it, but Peridot always softly whined and clung to the cat whenever the suggestion of renaming it came up.

“No, no. I’m… I’m going to hang out in the Temple. I need some time to myself.” Lapis immediately intervened, strolling off towards the Temple door behind the warp pad. Peridot started shivering again and desperately reached out for the cat in Amethyst's hands, cradling it like a baby and bowing her head down so she didn’t acknowledge the water gem opening the Temple door.

Her and Lapis have long had access to the Temple. And Peridot doesn't like to think about why she hangs out in there by herself so often.

“Oh, okay… umm, I hope you feel better…” A nervous stutter from Amethyst barely came out before Lapis had shut the Temple doors behind her.

There was a jagged inhale from the gem next to her, and Amethyst softly brought a hand up to rub Peridot’s back.

“Poor Lapis…” A soft voice whispered to the green gem, and Peridot’s stomach twisted into a knot.

That was the wrong name.

Lapis wasn’t the one she should be feeling sorry for.

 

\-----------------------

 

After popping the bubble, there was a lazy and reluctant flicker of light before Jasper collapsed on the Temple's Bubble Room floor with a whimper. Not even bothering to catch herself, she curled in where she was at Lapis’ feet, already clammy and numb with one of her large hands gently cradling under her navel.

But she didn’t make a noise when a heel kicked into her stomach, harshly slamming the Quartz onto her back. Lapis looked more irritated than usual.

Jasper merely stared blankly at the ceiling, expressionless as she parted her legs open obediently. She knew what Lapis wanted. Same thing she always comes for.

There was a half-hearted laugh from the blue gem, but the Quartz’s eyes didn’t even falter to acknowledge it. She was just an empty husk awaiting whatever command that meant less pain.

“You’re eager to get this over with, aren’t you?” Lapis sneered, settling down between the Quartz’ large thighs. Without even waiting for a response (not like the broken gem was going to give her one, anyway) Lapis shifted her claws to begin slashing open Jasper’s uniform. It’s been a long time since the Quartz have had enough control of her gem to phase off her clothing, and the game of taunting her for it got old real fast. Ever since Jasper became empty and blank like this, Lapis just went straight to the point. The Quartz hardly had a mind of her own.

She doesn’t cry anymore. Hell, she doesn’t even try to fight it.

“Come on, don’t be so boring. It’s a special day, so how about you try speaking again for your favorite gem??” Lapis crooned mockingly as she hiked up her skirt and slid off her panties. As usual, the Quartz didn’t respond. There was only a little flutter of her lashes as she softly blinked.

A clawed hand grabbed Jasper aggressively over her vulva.

“ _Speak_ , Jasper. That was a command, not a suggestion.”

The Quartz wasn’t even shivering, and her mouth parted softly to speak obediently. It was the first words from her in a long while, but she was too far gone to be the same gem that sobbed about her pain and begged Lapis to stop.

“Wh-whatever you want, Lapis...”

Hissing bitterly at how monotoned and generic Jasper sounded, the blue gem rubbed up her inner thigh to try and rouse some sort of reaction. The light’s been off upstairs in the Quartz’ head for far too long, and Lapis missed the days where Jasper would sob and cry under her for hours on end. Now, she could disembowel the Quartz and smear her own internals on her face and not even earn a whimper.

“Are you even paying attention? Do you even know where you are??”

The was a crack of Jasper’s voice when she complied with a response. “Yes. Temple.”

Lapis scowled, still doubting Jasper’s lucidness.

“Do you remember why you’re here?”

The Quartz swallowed dryly. “You told them I raped you.”

As if she was proud of her own lie, Lapis gave a slight snicker before continuing.

“You’re more aware than you lead on to be. Do you know how long you’ve been here?” Her question was topped with a thinly concealed grin, knowing Jasper doesn’t have any concept of time in between their sessions when she is in her bubble.

The first expression Lapis remembered seeing in a long while crossed the Quartz’ face, being a distressed cease of her brow. She didn’t know how long it’s been.

“You’ve done this forty-two times…” Jasper slowly drew out, and her body gave a horrid shiver at the number of times this has happened. The number of times Lapis has popped her bubble, used her, and sent her back until next time.

There was another laugh. “Have I!? Ah... I don’t keep count.”

Jasper didn’t respond. But her throat felt tight and burning.

“But I do keep track of the days. And today is a special one, Jasper,”

There was a hard, dreaded swallow from the Quartz when she looked down to meet Lapis’ eyes. It’s been months since she’s had the courage to make eye contact, and her dull golden irises were as empty as Lapis last remembered. Jasper wanted to know.

“...It’s been a _year_ since I told everyone you assaulted me. It’s been a _year_ you’ve been bubbled down here. Everyone hates you. They still won't even say your name.”

There was a press, and the Quartz hardly processed that Lapis was painfully sliding herself into her dry slit with a pleasurable pant. Lapis rolled her head forward with a wild, raptured grin when she pulled back a few inches, and thrusted her length in again. The feeling never got old.

There was a little, broken gasp from the Quartz when she felt Lapis inside her again. And for the first time in months, she cried out. Lapis’ smile widened.

There was still someone inside that empty husk after all.

_“Happy anniversary, Jasper.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark to the end, as I promised.  
> I'll admit a lot of personal feelings went into this ( ~~which is why I've been neglecting my other fic shhh~~ ) but I expanded experiences I've been through and mixed them with a tremendous amount of psychology and fiction. And to supplement my lack of knowledge in certain areas, I mirrored many emotions and attitudes in this story to real-life psychological reactions.  
> So, for any of you who are interested in this kind of thing like me:  
> \- On the Groth's Typology of rapists, Lapis is a ["Anger Rapist"](http://www.csom.org/train/supervision/short/01_02_03.html)  
> \- Peridot is trapped in [stage one of the Kübler-Ross model of Grief](http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/)  
> \- In the epilogue, Peridot is suffering from [traumatic mutism](http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/01/06/mutism-since-traumatic-event/)  
> \- Jasper transitions through various stages of [Rape Trauma Syndrome](http://web.archive.org/web/20080402000429/http://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/rape-trauma-syndrome)  
> \- From chapter two and onward, Jasper develops a [learned helplessness](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness) mentality
> 
> Research aside, honest thanks to anyone who made it this far. I know it wasn't a very nice journey, but sometimes there's just no happy ending at the end of the day. My goal in writing this was honesty to make people cry, but when I finished writing this, I was half-tempted to writing a better ending just so it wasn't so sad.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed it though, and if a happy alternative ending sounds nice than maybe I might write one. Might even post some concept art I did for this fic too, because I drew some for each chapter before/while I'm writing it.
> 
> Love to hear what you guys think, though. Feel free to tell me whether or not you like the ending, because tbh it's understandable if you don't <3


	6. Snap Out Of It (Alt Ending Pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis isn't as careful as she should be, and it puts her in a difficult situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes I just wanted to write one little bittersweet scene as the alternate ending, and next thing you know I'm over 14,000 words deep in this mess and I didn't even get to the scene I wanted to write. Thus, this is gonna be a part 1 out of 2, and I'm crossing my fingers I won't have to do a part 3. I already know how this alternate ending is going down, but how long it takes me to get there just depends on how good my self-control is when it comes to writing. 
> 
> Sorry this is like, idk, hella late? It took 4 days just to proof read this damn chapter and I'm pretty sure I missed a ton. But even to me, this chapter is emotionally exhausting to read, because despite being a "good" alternate ending, it's still goddamn awfully depressing. 
> 
> All in all, hope it's a sliver of justice (however so slight) for Jasper. Takes place shortly after the epilogue, so those of you who are content with Jasper's eternal misery in the last chapter, go ahead and take this as a completely hypothetical extension. And for you guys who need something better than that terrible epilogue, you can accept this as part one of the new ending.
> 
> Anyways, hope the wait wasn't too long, but here you go! <3
> 
>  
> 
> [song ( _Snap Out Of It by Arctic Monkeys_ )](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_O_T6Aq85E)

“Stay still, Jasper!! Of all the days, now you wanna try to be squirmy?!”

The clamping grip Lapis had on Jasper’s ankles didn’t stall her frantic attempt to get away, lying on her back and desperately pushing back on her hands to flee the blue gem in front of her. The Quartz’s bubble hasn’t even been popped for more than a minute, and she was already making this harder than it needs to be. The smaller gem was pressed for time, and due to accompany Steven and the Crystal Gems out to a movie in an hour-- Lapis just needed a little power trip before she leaves, but Jasper wasn’t cooperating at all.

“ _Please_ , Lapis… How long has it been?? How many days?!” Perhaps the words were intended on being unmoving and insistent, but Jasper’s voice carried them like a plead. She needed to know. She needed it _so bad_.

Ever since Lapis told her she’s been here for a year, the Quartz finally has a reference of reality. For longer than she liked to remember, everything was just blank periods of being in a bubble, cut up by violent beatings and assaults. At first, she began losing touch with what was real and what wasn’t… But finally, she had something to keep her anchored to reality.

Time.

Counting how many times Lapis popped her bubbled and had her way with her was upsetting and confusing, but counting the exact number of days gave her a solid reference. Now, she struggles as much a physically possible until Lapis tells her what she wants to hear. And without water at her fingertips to forcefully restrain her (although Lapis had threatened that other parts of the Temple has water; Jasper never tries escaping the waterless Bubble Room), the blue gem needed the Quartz’s compliance to keep her still.

She used to miss hearing Jasper scream and cry, but it was times like these that made Lapis wish Jasper was quiet and blank like she was before the blue gem told her she's been here for a year. Now, she's always begging to know how long it's been since their last session. It got annoying pretty fast, especially during days like these where Lapis is in a hurry.

“Come on, it’s been like four days, Jasper! Now settle down already!!” The hands gripping the larger gem’s ankles dug in their shifted claws punishingly for Quartz’s attitude, but Jasper’s resistance died off immediately once she got what she needed.

With a shaky whine, she forcefully halted her body’s natural instincts to flee Lapis.

Four days. Despite the tension headache pounding in the back of her head, she reluctantly added the days together, and with that a painful clench seized Jasper’s lungs at the result.

One year and seventeen days.

Vindictive over the difficulty of Jasper’s attitude, Lapis dug in her claws into one of Jasper’s thighs and gave a slow drag to slash the fabric and skin open, and the Quartz choked back a cry of pain as she took her punishment. Asking for how long it’s been always earned her more pain, but Jasper needed to know. Time was the only thing that felt real.

She wasn’t going to give it up. Without time, her mind will decay and whatever shell of sanity she has will abandon her. Time was the only thing she could define herself with.

Shredding up the side of tender thigh all the way from the knee to her hip, Lapis groaned in half-satisfaction with her work. There wasn’t time to ravish in tormenting the Quartz, and Lapis was quick to begin pushing open Jasper’s legs to sate her little crave for power before she has to leave.

“You’re so obsessive. You think the days are going to change anything? You hoping I’ll get bored and stop coming back??” Jasper felt the fabric of her waist to her thighs slashed open as Lapis mocked her, but she forced back the start of a sob clawing up her throat and stayed silent.

It was time to follow directions again. Time to be Lapis’ toy, and tell herself it’ll be over soon.

Jasper got what she needed to hear. And although it wasn't nearly enough to comfort her through this, it was all she really had.

Yet with the blue gem’s tight schedule turning her mood more sour than normal, she wasn't entertained by Jasper’s submissive silence. It didn't quite make her feel as powerful as having a Quartz soldier crying in pain beneath her, and the smaller gem sloppily brushed off the shreds of fabric from Jasper’s groin once her lower uniform was in tatters, pausing when she finished.

Those baneful navy eyes narrowed, noticing the larger gem was blankly staring at the ceiling. Almost as if Jasper expected Lapis to be content with fucking a lifeless doll after the little fit she threw to know how many days it's been.

However, Lapis thought if the Quartz wanted to talk instead of silently numbing out like how she did before their one-year mark, then she should at least be entertaining about it.

“Tell me what I wanna hear, Jasper.”

The smaller gem spoke aggressively despite her vagueness, slipping off her skirt and panties whilst doing so. Yet rather than a response, she was met with muddled dull eyes, fearful of the consequence that would be given if she said the wrong thing. Whether it was the pain of her slashed thigh or the anticipation of being penetrated again, there was the start of a few early tears already beading Jasper’s bottom lashes.

But she wasn't going to cry. The role she played as Lapis’ prisoner still hurt, but her mind falters off for as long as sanely possible during the ordeal. And when she shuts down and regresses back to an unresponsive husk of a gem, it's hard for Lapis to break her into noisy, animated sobs.

A deeply irritated groan cued Jasper that Lapis wasn't taking well to her silence, and before she could stutter out an apology, she felt two clawed fingers move in close between her legs and drag just over the skin of her inner folds. Deep fear and horrid memories forced a violent cringe over the larger gem, and her hands curled in desperately to try and grip into the stone ground beneath her; she knew not to resist. While Lapis ghosted over her folds lightly enough to not draw blood, she stopped once she reached Jasper’s clit, and softly pinched to catch it between two sharp nails.

While whimpering at the pressure, Jasper didn't dare move an inch. A violent storm of hollowness churned in her stomach, crying for her to pull away, but Jasper could feel how secure the grip on her was. Moving meant being cut in the process.

“T-tell me what to _say_!! Please, I-I can't… I ca-can't… I-I…” Stuttering with cold panic aching in her whole body, Jasper helplessly begged to be guided.

Lapis scoffed. “Pathetic. You should know what I like hearing by now. Stop playing dumb or I’ll rip it _off_.”

To emphasize herself, the nails pinched their tips harder into the Quartz’s clit, just barely piercing into the skin. But the tiny puncture was enough to sever through a myriad of sensitive nerves bundled there, and Jasper screamed in a storm of both stinging pain and hopeless confusion.

Not only did it burn sickeningly sharp, but the pain seemed to radiated deep and infect all the other sensitive nerves in her vulva, not only making it harder to ignore and numb the area out for what's soon to come, but also agitating and raising the threshold of her sensitivity.

Her fingers and toes felt numb, but her mind was alight with agony. Memories ricocheted inside her skull and amplified her scream with every recall Jasper had of being gashed by Lapis. Or ripped in her tenderest places. Or bled out between her legs. Or hurt with her own sensitive nerves weaponized against her. All the memories burned in her mind, and each one dragged out her scream longer.

A little sink of caution weighed in the back of Lapis’ head; the gems were in the house, and all it took was for one to enter the Temple to hearing Jasper’s traumatic cries echoing in every corner and corridor of this place. It was better to just get straight to the point, and save the torture for another day when the house and Temple are both empty.

“Tell me you're worthless.” Lapis sighed impatiently, giving up and deciding just to spoon-feed Jasper what she wanted to hear so the Quartz could stop screaming. They needed to move things along, because Lapis’ time was running thin and she needs to hurry if she doesn't want someone to try and enter the Temple to get her when it's time to go to the movies.

“I-I’m worthless!! I-I’m-- I’m _worthless_ \--!!” The words tasted vile in her mouth, but Jasper rambled them out anyway with a slight hoarse strain in her throat from screaming. She tried not to think of the words leaving her lips. They hurt, but not saying them would hurt more.

The was a low, approving moan from the gem between her legs, and Lapis released the dangerous pinch to stroke down her cerulean stomach and shapeshift her member. Sighing contently at the feeling of her tentacle immediately engorging in arousal to her sense of power, Lapis’ eyes flickered a few shades darker when they possessively gazed back down at the Quartz.

“Tell me you're nothing. Nothing but a disgusting _whore_.”

Although her claws were no longer pinching her, the insidious glint in her dark navy eyes carried her threat all the same when they bore down into Jasper’s dull, crippled ones. They immediately flinched under the sinister glare, whimpering that Lapis was making her vocalize everything she hated about herself.

Jasper already felt worthless. She already felt like nothing. She already knew every sliver of pride and dignity she had as a Quartz soldier was destroyed over a year ago, and that she was now just a toy to make Lapis feel good in whatever way she wants.

The glare was too lurid and hungry for Jasper to handle, and she squeezed her eyes shut so she didn't have to stare at Lapis’ piercing eyes.

“I-I’m nothing. I’m… I’m worthless, I’m no… I’m nothing but a whore.”

With a smirking curve of her lip, Lapis groaned loudly as she thrusted into Jasper, getting her to choke on the end of her words as she gritted her teeth at the pain of getting torn with how tight and dry she was.

“ _Disgusting_ whore.” The blue gem unsympathetically corrected, not allowing Jasper the few pants of air she was desperately trying to take in to ride out her blinding pain. Instead, Lapis almost immediately pulled back, only to slam herself back in to the hilt with a moan of empowerment.

Hot tears involuntarily rolled over the Quartz’s cheeks to the pain, and she counted off on her second reference of reality. Forty-six. The number is officially forty-six times. Forty-six times Lapis has been inside her body. Forty-six times she couldn't stop this from happening. Forty-six times she was reminded how little she's worth.

Just a toy. Not only a fount of confidence for Lapis to enjoy, but a disgusting whore for her to please herself with.

Jasper’s tension headache broke through her thoughts, drowning them out to pronounce a throbbing pain inside her skull.

She hated feeling like this. She didn't like being a toy. She hated being Lapis’ prisoner, and it hurt to keep coming back just to go through this.

At her influx of desolation, Jasper screamed out again, causing the gem pounding her between her legs to jump in startle.

“Shut the fuck up!! I’m going _way_ too easy on you for you to be screaming!!!” Lapis scolded with another pit of fear in her stomach. Someone’s going to hear them if Jasper keeps screaming, but she can't let the Quartz know that.

While is was true that their sessions are normally much more painful, and that this was in comparison much easier than how Lapis usually goes on her, Jasper’s mind was overridden with too many voices reminding her that she's everything Lapis says she is.

_Worthless. Ruined. Disgusting. Pathetic._

If anything, Jasper got louder, and in dreaded concern Lapis gave a lazy halt still sheathed inside, panting at her interrupted pleasure to try and get the larger gem to be quiet before someone hears. She gave a hard swallow, trying not to cue the delirious Quartz off to her panic.

“Jasper, sh-shut up!! I’ll rip off your clit if you don't stop screaming right _now_!!!” The threat was followed by a return of her claws pinching down on the Quartz, looming the consequence right over her.

With a rapid shake of her head, Jasper’s screams didn't die in volume, but morphed into cries of mercy.

“P-PLEASE DON’T!!! PLEASE, _OH STARS,_ LAPIS DON’T--!!!”

Seething in both rage and dread, Lapis debated going up and covering the Quartz’s mouth, or tearing off her little clit first just to remind Jasper her threats aren't empty.

But just when Lapis was about to pinch down and cut the tip of her claws through the nub of sensitive nerves, Jasper’s screaming cut off immediately with a stutter. Glaring up to see if the Quartz was finally ready to be quiet, Lapis was instead surprised to discover that Jasper looking past her, with a speckle of something in her eyes that the water gem hasn't seen in a long while.

It wasn't fear. It was as if a tinge of gold returned to those dull eyes, by the faintest degree.

“ _Lapis Lazuli_??”

The entire world fell out from Lapis, and her mind drew a blank to the new voice behind her.

Garnet.

Garnet had walked in on her hilted inside her alleged rapist.

Said alleged rapist with tears running over her cheeks and blood pooling under her slashed thigh.

Who was supposed to be in her bubble.

Who Lapis was supposed to be the victim of.

Who was definitely _not_ meant to be here right now.

…It's all over.

 

\-----------------------

 

The next logical step at this point was damage control.

Garnet wasn’t entirely sure what the situation was, why Lapis was there, and why everything seemed so… Methodical. Nothing about it seemed like a heat of the moment accident; only after Garnet entered did Lapis break down into agitated crying, not really speaking much as she subtly slipped out of Jasper to lean into herself with a sob.

Rather than do the same, any ounce of comfort this situation should have gave Jasper mouldered away with run of a few, soft tears of humiliation over her cheeks. Of course Lapis was going to start crying first. Of course she was going to try and take the victim route.

Too disgusted with herself and fearfully she’ll see her lack of worth reflected on Garnet’s expression, Jasper’s lip trembled as she meekly hid her face away behind her large shaky hands, twisting her head slightly to the side away from Garnet. With the searing burn of shame and disgust in her lower abdomen, she would’ve closed her legs to mute the feeling of exposure, but Lapis was still sitting in between her thighs with her exaggerated weeping.

With her stressfully cluttered mind, Garnet’s mouth opened blankly to try and say something, but the situation was too overwhelming to process properly. Lapis was her friend, she’s been living on Earth for over a year and trying to recover from the impact Jasper left on her… right?

With a weak stand, Lapis purposefully stumbled back from Jasper as if recoiling in distress, and the Quartz stole a little glance from where she was behind her hands to discover Lapis had shifted herself back to her vulva, further downplaying her role as the wrongdoer despite the fact Garnet very clearly just saw her inside the larger gem. Jasper’s stomach lurched in dread to where this was going.

“I-I’m so _sorry…_ I just wanted her to know how it felt--” The smaller gem trembled out, lying through her teeth to keep up the story that she’s still the victim. “She just had hurt m-me so _bad--_ ”

With a muddled expression, Garnet’s shoulders jumped in surprise when Lapis suddenly stumbled over and fell against the fusion with a desperate little cling, forcing Garnet to reciprocate and catch her friend in her arms just so Lapis wouldn’t fall.

As soon as Lapis was away from her, Jasper bit back a cry of betrayal as she closed her thighs with a quiver, feeling disgust crawl under her skin like a vice. From where she was on the floor, she could hear Lapis making exaggerated sobbing noises in Garnet’s arms, with the taller gem hesitantly stroking her hair in her confused state of mind. Garnet may not know what’s going on, but she knows Lapis is her friend. Lapis was the one crying in her arms. Lapis was the one that needed her comfort right now.

...Right?

With a mournful glance up, she saw the lonely Quartz on the ground, with blood pooling underneath her and no move to try and get up off the floor. It was like she already accepted that this happened. Despite Lapis assaulting her mere moments ago, she didn’t show the slightest shock from this outcome at all. It only served to add to the eerie methodical atmosphere this whole situation had about it.

Even if Lapis was her friend, and even if it was true what Lapis was saying that she was just here (hopefully for the first and only time) to ‘make Jasper know how it felt’, part of Garnet told herself that she can’t leave the Quartz on the floor alone, and deny her the slightest of comfort. Even if she was the bad guy, and the one who allegedly assaulted Lapis first over a year ago, Garnet’s core still burned with guilt that Jasper still deserved a sliver of sympathy.

Abusive villain or not, at this very moment Jasper was a rape victim. And that’s not something she could skim over and ignore, even with the smaller, more fragile gem hysterically weeping in her arms.

Garnet was not the type of gem to deny a rape victim aftercare or comfort when this _just happened_. Regardless of who they are.

Hesitantly, the fusion swallowed thickly, before gently pushing Lapis back so she was no longer leaning dependently against her. The blue gem had to bite back a hiss that her acting wasn’t working, and tried tilting her head up at Garnet with the most heartbroken expression she could muster to retain the taller gem’s attention. But she was ignored, and felt the fusion’s strong hands press down on her shoulders in slight command for Lapis to sit on the ground. Although this wasn’t turning out in her favor, the blue gem obliged and slowly sat, dropping her head down and continuing with her exaggerated sobbing.

“Stay right _here_ , Lazuli.” Garnet coldly commanded, despite her chest aching to speak so harshly to her friend. But she couldn’t give into it. It may have taken her awhile, but Garnet finally decided.

Lapis wasn’t the one who needed comfort right now.

Despite her nerves, Garnet stepped away from the smaller gem and slowly approached the Quartz lying on her back, hiding behind her hands in a pathetic attempt to pretend the world around her wasn’t there. Just from hearing the steps approach her, Jasper immediately startled in fear of someone getting close, and reflexively broke her hands off from her face to shield her stomach, as if Garnet was about to kick her.

The fusion noticed, and unintentionally gasped in heartbreak.

With the Quartz’s face now exposed, Garnet knit her brow in disturbance to the harrowing terror drowning out the gold of Jasper’s eyes, leaving them dull and devoid anything that reminded Garnet of the Jasper she knew over a year ago. Those somber eyes were weakly staring up at her in a woeful plea for Garnet not to hit her, and the hands guarding her soft, sensitive abdomen trembled in anticipation.

Garnet had to choke back another gasp in her throat to see such a terrified response.

“I-I’m not going to hurt you, Jasper…” She stuttered in sympathy, trying to calm the grave horror consuming the Quartz’s eyes.

With a quiver of her lip, Jasper’s mouth pulled back into a wary frown of disbelief. She felt worthless. She felt like nothing. In her mind, there was no reason for Garnet to not treat her the same as Lapis does; she was just a toy for other’s pleasure. It been over a year since she'd last been regarded as anything more.

An involuntary flinch met Garnet’s attempt to sit down on the floor next to her, and Jasper’s stomach churned violently to have someone so close. In all honestly, for a split second she was confused, with Garnet getting closer to her yet not giving any indication she was going to beat her. According to Lapis, they all hated her. Everyone thought she was a vicious rapist.

And in Jasper’s mind, they had no reason to not punish her for it.

Finally, there was a little broken gasp, as if Jasper finally realized what Garnet might want from her by getting this close. Her own assumption made her chest weigh bitterly in heavy depersonalization, but that wasn't a new feeling to Jasper. Yet to Garnet’s surprise, that fear in the Quartz’s pupils mouldered away into vapid emptiness as she averted her eyes and parted her legs open submissively.

After all, if there was any truth in the world to Jasper, it was that submission was rewarded, and defiance was punished.

It's time to numb out again.

“Y-you can do what you want…”

Although her throat was tight and burning, the Quartz still stuttered out a line of obedience to assure Garnet she won’t resist her and warrant further pain upon herself. If it was true that everyone hated her, there was no reason Garnet would get this close if it wasn’t to hurt her. Jasper knew Garnet _had_ to be getting this close just so she could take her anger out on her, and treat her like the whore Lapis conditioned Jasper to see herself as.

Garnet blinked in confusion before realizing what Jasper was suggesting. Nausea twisted in her stomach when she finally recognized Jasper was offering up her body, and with a reluctant glance down Garnet caught sight of the trickle of blood leaking from her abused slit from Lapis’ ravishment of her.

“ _Oh stars_ , no, Jasper!! Nobody’s going to be doing any of... _that_ , to you!!!” Although Garnet’s voice was shrouded in heartbroken panic, Jasper flinched at the volume of her voice and made a whimper of shameful embarrassment. Mainly out of ingrained obedience to being yelled at, her legs pushed closed in a heartbeat.

“I-I’m _sorry--_ I... I-I don’t know what you want. Please, tell me what you _want--_ ” The Quartz pleaded for what Garnet wished from her, as apparently, it wasn’t to hit or take advantage of her. If Garnet and the others really did hate her as Lapis said, then Jasper knew whatever she wants from getting close to her _has_ to be awful.

Garnet tried to tell herself that she didn’t just hear an irritated groan faintly break through Lapis’ sobbing in response to overhearing Jasper.

It furthered the eerie feeling Garnet had about this whole situation, but she pushed it off her mind to refocus onto the Quartz.

“You don’t have to be scared, I just want to help.” The fusion insisted sympathetically, reaching out a hand over the Quartz’s larger one. The gentle move was met with a shallow wince, but as soon as Garnet’s palm met the top of Jasper’s clammy hand, a comforting warmth stirred at the bottom of Jasper’s stomach. Rather than continuing to shield her stomach, she suddenly reached out in desperation with her free hand, settling on top of the hand Garnet had on her own and feeling that little warmth swarm again. The genuine comfort felt so foreign, but so sweet. And although Jasper had no reason to actually believe Garnet wished anything good upon her, she still yearned for any kind of solace anyone could offer her.

The hand on top of Garnet’s had a strong tremble to it when it clung into hers, furthered by an instinctively curl Jasper made to getting closer. A creeping sob burned in her throat, but the Quartz just barely held it back with a few little whimpers as she broke out a soft smile that Garnet wasn’t recoiling from her in disgust. She was so used to Lapis’ cold behavior that it was almost too hard to swallow that the look on Garnet’s face was one of consolation and sorrow, rather than repulsion.

Fresh tears ghosted down Jasper’s wet cheeks, but they weren’t of pain or misery.

“You… You don’t _hate_ me…?”

Hearing her meek voice, a little frown captured Garnet’s expression for a split second, but she muted it and tried ignoring Jasper’s malicious past. “What you did to Lapis was horrible. But that doesn't mean you deserved this; she had no right to hurt you back.”

The Jasper’s hands suddenly pulled away, and her eyes widened in heartbreak.

“ _I didn't hurt Lapis_!!” Her voice was surprising loud when she retaliated, but with hurt rather than aggression. Jasper loved Lapis. She always did whatever the blue gem told her to do, and ignores every bit of abysmal terror Lapis cemented into her just to be as submissive and obedient as she wants her to be. The very idea that she would hurt Lapis pestered all the wrong places in her mind, and despite it all Jasper still caught a bitter backwash of guilt when she remembered threatening to shatter Lapis if she didn't shatter her first.

As if finding the perfect moment, Lapis made a purposefully loud cry, catching Garnet’s attention for a moment.

“You c-can't even admit what you _did_ …? I… I can't b-believe you, Jasper…” Lapis trembled out her words carefully to reinforce Jasper’s status as her rapist, but the Quartz shook her head violently to persist she would never support that insidious lie.

Yet sadly, it's been far too long since Jasper has had the willpower to be verbally defiant with Lapis. So rather than oppose her, Jasper outreached to Garnet, tugging on her clothes to get her closer. Of course, she obliged and allowed the Quartz to cling around her waist in a surprisingly submissive way, which riled up more concerns to Garnet. Jasper was never like this before. She wasn't even trying to argue against Lapis; she just went straight to the nearest source of comfort in immediate acceptance that she already lost. Lapis’ word held far more weight than hers ever could, and she knew it.

But she wasn't the only one aware of that little tragedy. Lapis knew too, and she was quick to use Jasper’s silence to catch Garnet’s attention again.

“Garnet, I-I’m so sorry, but can you… P-please send her back? She's dangerous… She _scares_ me…”

Almost immediately, the Quartz whined as she dampened Garnet’s outfit with her tears, sobbing in panic and making the fusion appalled to how Lapis could call her a threat.

“Not until we get this sorted out. I’m going to escort you two out of the Temple, and then you’re going to be telling me what you were doing in this room to begin with.” Garnet was harsh when she spoke, trying take this situation by logical steps.

“What do you mean?! It _is_ sorted out!! Look, I’ll tell you everything that happened, but you _have_ to bubble her!!” The tone sounded borderline aggressive rather than distraught, but the crocodile tears down Lapis’ face downplayed the speckles of anger leaking through her facade.

The arms around Garnet got desperately tight, and the fusion huffed out a strained breath as she looked down at the pitiful gem.

“Don't send me back! I-I… I can't keep doing this!! _It hurts_ \-- it hurts too much to come back again and _again--_ ” Jasper was speaking too out of context for Garnet, whom was still under the assumption that this is the first time the Quartz has been out of her bubble since the day Lapis was found at the barn with her gem. She had no clue how so much fear and submission could arise from this one incident with Lapis, unless of course, Jasper was in shock. And if she was, Garnet’s definitely isn't sending her back.

In all honestly though, Jasper wasn't even in actual shock. Her mind is far too fractured from reality to react appropriately to trauma at this point. It would be exhausting to do so, after all, considering her mind and body undergo near constant trauma when she's not inside her bubble.

With a reassuring pat on the crown on the Quartz’s head, Garnet lowered her tone as if she was speaking to a child.

“Shh, don't worry, I'm not going to send you back. Everything is going to be okay, we just got to get this all settled out.” She ended her words with a little smile, and Lapis’ stomach burned in frustration that Garnet wasn’t just taking her word on what happened and bubbling Jasper away.

Instead, she was going to integrate the Quartz into her investigation on what happened. And that means Lapis and Jasper are going to be having some very conflicting stories.

But Lapis knew the Quartz too well by now. And she knows all the intricacies of Jasper’s emotions and mind to be able to pull the strings into her favor.

Lapis ended up biting back a shallow smirk.

She hasn't lost just yet.

 

\-----------------------

 

Before bringing the two out, Garnet had to leave Lapis and Jasper momentarily alone for the few moments it took to go outside and command Amethyst to escort Peridot and Steven to the movies. Steven was much too young for this, and Peridot never seemed to have recovered from the last time she heard something like this happened. For the time being, she was going to try and sort this out with just herself and Pearl.

As soon as Garnet left for the time it took to clear Steven’s house of everyone but Pearl, Lapis stuttered off the end of her fake crying with an irritated groan. Jasper didn’t even look over to her; she kept her head down, sitting against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest in a insecure hold. Garnet was only going to be gone a few minutes. She shouldn’t have to be afraid of Lapis right now.

But an old, deeply embedded pain wretched her insides with nausea, screaming a terrified voice in the back of Jasper’s head that she was going to get hurt. It was like a switch she couldn’t turn off. Her mind has been functioning under the conditions of fear and survival for far too long, and the Quartz had no comforting thoughts or mental happy-place to go to so she could calm down. Anxiety was already woven into all the complexities of her mind, and Jasper couldn’t even fathom together a sense of security in her own mind with how alien pleasant thoughts felt to be there. The most reassuring thoughts the Quartz had been comforting herself with for the last year was telling herself ‘ _it’ll be over soon_ ’ or ‘ _it could be worse_ ’ whenever Lapis was doing what she wanted. It not like they actually made her feel better, but Jasper always hoped if she lied to herself enough, maybe she’ll start believing it.

She never really did, though. Those thoughts never comforted her. The feeling of calm has long been a distant stranger.

So even now in these secure moments, where the gravity of the situation was keeping Lapis from laying a hand on the Quartz and salvation was lurking on her horizon, Jasper still found herself shivering in fear. Lapis wasn’t something she could imagine ever escaping.

She’s nothing without Lapis.

“You just _had_ to go and fuck this up, didn’t you? Just go along with whatever I say, and I’ll grant you absolution for starting this mess.” The blue gem spoke cuttingly unperturbed to Jasper, despite her false tears still decorating her cheeks. It was like she could wear victimhood like a mask, and transition back to her normally cruel demeanor like she wasn’t just sobbing on the floor a few minutes ago.

Finally, Jasper’s head snapped up from where it was slumped over, with her eyes widening in alarm.

“Lapis, I can't!! _Please_ , I-I can’t do that.” Jasper’s little deny was met with a shallow growl, and Lapis went to walk over and pick up her skirt and panties to redress herself as if this wasn’t worth her full attention.

“Yes you can, and you _will_. You think they’ll actually believe you if you went against my word? I’m just trying to make this easier for you, Jasper.” The blue gem threw her a piercing glance when she spoke, slipping on her garments while doing so. But the Quartz frantically shook her head, meekly retaliating despite the curl in her gut burning in reluctance to disobey Lapis.

“She _saw_ what you do to me!! Y-you can’t keep this up, _please…_ Let it be over...”

With a scoff and Jasper’s suggestion of letting her go, Lapis settled her weight onto her hip, acting like this conversation was too frivolous and unnecessary to entertain further. As if Jasper ought to just take her commands and turn the other cheek.

“What she _saw_ was me getting even with my rapist. Garnet will think you’re insane if you try and tell her otherwise."

The Quartz hiccupped with the start of another sob in her hoarse throat.

“I didn’t hurt you!! I’m... I'm not a _rapist_!!”

There was irritated knit of Lapis’ brow. “I know Quartzes aren’t known for their smarts, but you’re really something else, Jasper. Either follow along and let Garnet bubble you after it’s all settled, or get called a lying lunatic and get bubbled away anyways. And you bet your ass you’d be punished if you try the latter.”

The burning weight of fear in Jasper’s stomach made her wince, unsettled over the idea that Lapis wanted her to agree she’s the villain so that Garnet could deem the situation solved and bubble her off. As with the threat, she made a good point: if Jasper isn’t able to convince the Crystal Gems, they’ll think she’s crazy and still bubble her away so she isn’t a danger to anyone. Was it worth the chance they’ll believe her if it meant risking further punishment?

Part of Jasper couldn’t even imagine any punishment Lapis could give her that isn’t just her level of torture when she’s having a bad day. Every conceivable way of harm Jasper could think of has already been done.

“You’d hurt me either way,” Jasper quietly retaliated in the most passive way she could, persisting that she wasn’t going to follow along with Lapis’ scheme. But the blue gem only gave a dark chuckle, undermining how hard it was for Jasper to disobey Lapis’ wishes.

“Of course I will, but do you really want to make it more painful than it needs to be?”

Jasper made a sound between a whine and a sigh. “It’s _always_ more painful than it needs to be.”

Even if the Quartz was fearfully muttering, Lapis hissed that Jasper wasn’t backing down in light of her threat. She was still sticking to her decision, and making it harder for Lapis to clean up this mess. It made her stomach burn in frustration.

“You think I can’t get creative with your punishments?? Go ahead and disobey, then. But when you end up bubbled back down here, I’ll be disemboweling you through your fucking _cunt_.”

With a gasp, Jasper cringed, reflexively pulling her legs in tighter to her chest. Her head got a bit fuzzy, and she just barely registered the hint of bile in her throat at the mere thought of Lapis’ slender arm shoved up elbow-deep inside her slit, tearing straight through her womb to grip into her tender entrails and yank them out by the handfuls.

Lapis smirked when the larger gem began sucking in sharp breaths of air, with her hands trembling as she clung her legs anxiously against herself. Despite everything, Lapis still knew what strings to pull to get the Quartz’s mind unraveled and tangled around her fingertips. Just give her a horrific mental picture, and Jasper’s mind will make its own version of hell centered around it.

Jasper didn’t even notice she was hyperventilating, panting excessively for air she didn’t need at how vividly her mind played that image in her head. It didn’t last long, however, as her lurid thoughts cut off when the Temple door to Steven’s house reopened, and Garnet walked back in rather uneasily to find the unhinged Quartz gasping in panic.

Without missing a beat, Lapis broke out a fake whimper of relief and stumbled to collapse into Garnet’s arms again, whom was this time more hesitant to embrace her. Nevertheless, she didn’t get have other options beside letting Lapis drop to the ground, and so the fusion reluctantly caught and steadied the lithe blue gem.

“D-don’t leave me with her again, _please…_ ” Lapis whine against Garnet, who nervously pushed her back to stand on her own. It was hard for Garnet to tell herself Lapis wasn’t the one that needed comforting when the small gem kept falling against her like that.

“Come on, take it easy there. If you’re having trouble walking, you should probably take a seat on the couch inside,” Garnet tossed a little glance away from the blue gem once she finished speaking, checking over to find that Jasper’s breathing had steadied tremendously on her arrival.

Only the Quartz noticed that Lapis’ hands clenched lividly, shaking in slight rage that she was being dismissed. Even if the angry wasn’t even being directed at her, Jasper couldn’t help but drop her eyes to the floor with a swallow wince.

But keeping up the victim act nonetheless, Lapis rolled her head up at Garnet with droopy, teary eyes.

“O-okay…”

Jasper could hear the force underneath Lapis’ gilded voice, as it tried to mimic heartbreak as close as it can. But the low wavers in her tone was too prominent, and the Quartz knew the true emotion behind it was really anger.

“You too, Jasper. Here, do you need help up…?” The fusion offered with a step back from Lapis, diverting her attention to the larger gem. But Jasper could see how enraged it made Lapis to be ignored, and she quickly shook her head at the offer to avoid infuriating the smaller gem further.

“No! I… I got it,” she hurried out as she pressed her hands against the cold floor, and only from the contact did she notice how badly she was shaking. A sour coil in her stomach reminded her how pathetic she must look; no wonder Garnet was offering her help.

With a sloppy push, Jasper winced as she got up, with the tension and work of her leg muscles causing the gashes running up her damaged thigh to agitated and gush blood down her leg in thick streams. The Quartz’s eyes squeezed shut in embarrassment to her own disgusting state, and tried to stifle the groan of pain to the rawness she could feel between her legs when she tried to steady herself on her feet, leaning heavily on the walls just to adjust to being off the ground.

“Don’t rush it!” Garnet cautioned, taking a step forward to assist only to find herself held back by Lapis clinging onto her arm. The grip wasn’t even desperate; rather, it almost felt commanding.

There was a weak, obviously fake smile from the Quartz as if she was trying to tell Garnet she was fine. Jasper didn't want her help.

After a few moments of silence, Garnet realized that she was waiting for her to reopen the door to lead her and Lapis out. But the fusion frowned, looking down at the lithe blue gem on her arm and then back at Jasper. While she was gone, Lapis had taken the liberty of redressing herself, but the Quartz was still covered in the shreds of her bloody uniform. Granted, it only exposed her from between her hips down to her lower thighs, but it was still unsettling that the once-prideful Quartz didn’t have the self-respect or dignity to bother redressing herself. It didn’t even feel like a bold personal choice either-- Garnet could see how nervously Jasper keep her thighs pressed together, even when it seemed to be painful for her to do so with the excessive blood running over the curve of her thighs from the effort.

“Jasper, you can phase out of that, you know? Go ahead and redress yourself.” The fusion softly offered, trying to gently recommend Jasper cover herself before leaving. Perhaps she was waiting for permission; it wouldn’t be that surprising to Garnet at this point if she was, as Jasper seemed mindlessly submissive and devoid of self-assertion to her own personal wishes.

But Garnet immediately regretted her suggestion when she saw her words make the Quartz’s plump bottom lip tremble, with fresh tears pooling on her bottom lashes and a flustered blush paint her face in shame.

Further blood forced over her thighs as she pressed them harder together, wincing when she noticed it only make her exposure more obvious. Both her trembling hands pressed over her groin area in mortification, and Jasper bowed her head to slouched into herself with a feeble sob.

“I-I… I can’t…”

Garnet felt the grip Lapis had on her arm tighten. Almost like she was… furious. It didn’t help the sickening feeling in Garnet’s stomach about this whole mess.

“Of course you can, it’s fine if you do--” Garnet began in the most comforting, supportive tone she could; but Jasper cut her off with a stuttered whimper.

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!! I can’t do _that--_!” While Jasper’s voice did raise slightly in assertion, it sounded more like it was to scold herself in shame than anything else. There was an awful certainty underneath it nonetheless, and Garnet knit her brow at the unsettling declaration that Jasper couldn’t phase off her tattered uniform. The only gems who couldn’t control their physical forms are corrupted gems, and that was because they’ve torn the fabric of their minds.

A normal gem like Jasper shouldn’t struggle with a phase, unless...

A cold chill suddenly went down Garnet’s back. Jasper’s mind couldn’t have fractured like that, could it…? She clearly wasn’t corrupted though, and Garnet wasn’t sure of any other trauma other than corruption that could damage a gem’s mind so potently.

“Jasper, it’s alright, take it easy. It’s okay if you can’t do it, just… Come on inside, and I could get you a blanket. Does that sound fine?” Garnet ended her words with a little supportive smile, and took another step towards the Quartz to tug her arm out of Lapis’ grip. The blue gem made a low noise, and Garnet couldn’t tell if it was a huff of surprise or a growl of frustration. Either was, it was unnerving to hear from her friend.

There was a curt, meek nod from the Quartz. She’d like a blanket. Maybe she’d stop shivering when she has something covering her skin.

At that, Garnet reopened the door to exit the Temple, trying her best not to let the Quartz notice she was staring at the speckles of blood she trickled onto the Temple floor when she stumbled over. When she glanced over at Lapis to see if she noticed too (and hopefully, some guilt in her eyes if she did), the blue gem seemed completely indifferent to the painful sight. She merely turned on her heel with a stumble on her own, of which seemed too fluid and calculated to be genuine, and exited the Temple.

Once all three were out, the doors shut behind them and the pale gem on the couch jumped at the noise. Taking to a steadfast stand, Pearl caught sight of them and made a heartbroken whimper as her hand cupped over her mouth in pity. But to Garnet’s surprise, Pearl was looking at Lapis while she did so.

Remnants of false tears still down her face, the blue gem made a quiet sob to work up a good show, and Pearl responsively took to her feet to go over and capture Lapis in a comforting embrace.

As if to remind Pearl who the victim was in the situation here, Garnet gave a low, disapproving noise. Paying heed, the pale gem responsively pulled slightly back to look up at the fusion, before finally dragging her eyes in reluctance to Jasper. The Quartz slightly squirmed under the new set of eyes, keeping her head dropped low and hands over herself in embarrassment. And even though Pearl could see the blood curving over her leg from deep, insidious gashes slashed into one of the Quartz’s thighs, she still made a groan of disgust at Jasper’s immodest appearance.

The larger gem flinched at the noise. To try and ease up the atmosphere, Garnet gave the Quartz a soothing rub on her upper back. It was hard to ignore the shiver she felt when she did so.

“Pearl, could you get her a blanket? I’ll walk her over to the couch.”

The pale gem looked appalled, almost even insulted at the suggestion.

“She’s not sitting on the couch! She’ll ruin it, Garnet.” The thin gem replied with a strong tone of disgust over the idea. Almost as if Jasper wasn’t worth the comfort of sitting down, because she’ll get her repulsive blood everywhere and ruin the couch like she ruined everything else in her life.

Reminded of her own sickening habit of destroying things, a scorching kindle of guilt unfurled inside Jasper. Her mouth felt dry.

When Garnet scowled in disappointment to Pearl’s insensitivity (as Pearl had already interpreted Lapis as the victim in all this), she felt a weak tug on her arm from the Quartz.

“S-she’s right, I’ll just sit on the ground.”

Before Garnet could reaffirm to her that she was allowed to sit on the couch and override Pearl’s say in this, the pale gem hurried over to the cabinet underneath the stairs and shuffled through it in a panic.

“No you _won’t_! Not until I set something down!” She called out, further devaluing Jasper’s comfort. Even the floor’s cleanliness was worth more to her than letting a sore and battered gem like Jasper sit.

Rather than ruin the blankets they had, Pearl collected several towels and layered them on the ground by the couch, trying to cover a sufficient area to ensure the gross Quartz wouldn’t have any contact with their tidy floor. Garnet growled in disapproval, but before she knew it the pale gem was done and quickly pushing the leftover towels into Jasper’s arms.

“Here. Your blankets.”

With a little dip of her head, the Quartz looked at the contents in her arms. She wasn’t stupid; she knew what a blanket was. What Pearl just gave her were two coarse, arguably too-small towels.

But it was all she had, so Jasper’s lip trembled sensitively as she clutched onto the towels like it was fit for a miserable gem like her. As if what Pearl just gave her was an endearing gift, rather than a blunt insult.

Garnet was half-tempted to pry the pitiful towels from Jasper’s arms and push them back into Pearl’s hands, demanding for her to replace them with a real blanket; but, she saw how desperately the Quartz clung onto them for security, and couldn’t bring herself to take them away from her. Therefore, despite it being intolerably disrespectfully for Pearl to have given her them, she allowed Jasper to keep her promised ‘blankets’, and looked on as the Quartz shuffled over to the isolated section of ground Pearl had covered up.

With a cautious kneel, Jasper slowly sank down and sat with a wince of discomfort. Her legs tightly curled to the side, and she quickly unfolded the towels onto her lap-- which, they did poorly to cover.

Jasper made a little cry of discontent. They didn’t feel very nice. It didn’t help her stop shivering.

When Pearl added further insult to injury and carefully led Lapis to the couch by the hand so that she could sit, Garnet pinched her brow in utter frustration.

“Pearl, do I have to remind you who the _victim_ is at this very moment?!”

The pale gem threw an astonished glance at Garnet.

“I _know_ who the victim is. Jasper _hurt her_.”

Jasper bit hard inside her mouth into the soft side of her cheeks, grinding the flesh down between her molars.

As if to further the lie, Lapis made a little whimper in agreement, and curled her legs against her chest from where she sat on the couch in a mockery of victimhood. If it wasn’t for how dry her mouth was, Jasper wouldn’t have noticed the blood tasting her mouth from how hard she was biting the insides of her cheeks to mute the whimpers and sobs clawing up her throat.

Garnet scowled in disbelief, too taken aback for words. But the Quartz gave a hard swallow of blood inside her mouth before rising to her own defense.

“I-I didn’t hurt Lapis!!” Jasper stuttered suddenly to repeat herself from earlier, feeling a stake of pain drive deeper and deeper into her stomach the longer those words hung in the air.

Pearl shook her head as if it was the dirtiest lies she’s ever heard.

“I _saw_ what you did to her, you brute! I couldn’t even fathom how such a small gem could have that much blood in her… It’s _disgusting_ what you did. So don’t you dare play the pity card because she left a few scratches on your leg today.” Her words were piercing and enraged as Pearl recalled the horrific scene of finding Lapis bathed in blood, with blotches seeping through the fabric over her hips and bruises marring that cerulean, soft skin of her wrists. Pearl will never get that image out of her head.

“Pearl, contain yourself!” Garnet scolded, stealing in a slight glance at Jasper to make sure she didn’t take Pearl’s shouting too badly. The fusion couldn’t imagine how Pearl had the audacity of summing up what Lapis did to Jasper as ‘a few scratches’.

But the Quartz sucked in a dry draw of air, widening her eyes in betrayal as her attention turned to Lapis.

“You… Y-you said it was _your_ blood…?”

Jasper thought Lapis would have cleaned it up before someone found her with her gem. But never in her darkest, most disturbing thoughts did she think Lapis would keep the bloody scene of the most traumatizing memory the Quartz has, and play it off as her own. Lapis had no right to take that from her. She had no right to steal that lurid scene and claim it as her own, and direct sympathy she didn’t deserve onto herself.

After the blunt accusation, Garnet glared into Lapis as well, questioningly suspicious. Between her and Jasper’s attitudes, nothing was lining up. And if it wasn't for finding Lapis shoving herself inside the bloody, screaming Quartz not so long ago, Garnet probably would’ve dismissed what Jasper said as a manipulative lie. But the longer Lapis refused to answer the Quartz back, the worst the situation felt.

“It was!” Lapis suddenly shot back defensively, feeling Pearl’s hand on her arm weaken slightly from hearing more aggression than sorrow in her voice.

“You didn’t shed a drop that day!!” The blue gem reaffirmed with a careful waver in her tone this time, but nonetheless carried a heavy weight underneath warning Jasper that her opportunity to follow along and warrant herself a lesser punishment was slipping away.

As if suddenly reminded of the threat of disembowelment, Jasper bit her lip with a tremble, with her retaliation dying in her throat at the fear curling into her gut. She could taste the blood again.

Picking up her defense, however, Garnet was the one to continue.

“But you had to poof her that day, didn’t you? Did that not cause any blood from the incident to be hers?”

Lapis felt Pearl’s entire embrace on her fall off.

“I-it was in self-defense! It shouldn’t matter!!” Pearl stuttered to defend her, and Lapis reinforced it with a fake little cry as she clung her knees closer to herself.

“But she had water in the barn from the very beginning. Why did it take lying in a puddle of blood to get you to fight back, Lapis?!?” The fusion stepped in closer, voice raising in accusation and disturbance to how fewer and fewer elements of Lapis’ story was adding up.

“Because I didn’t want to hurt her!” Lapis nearly screamed, with her words vaguely holding onto the false tone of sympathy she was trying to play up.

“You certainly had no problem hurting her today,” Garnet pressed, and at her statement, she saw a speckle of true fear seep into the depths of Lapis’ navy eyes for a split second, and the fusion almost gasped as how genuine the expression was.

But it glinted over with a film of forced sorrow, covering up the semblance of true fear in her eyes so fast that Garnet felt for a second that she merely imagined it.

“I gave her a chance to correct herself that day. And she failed.” Lapis suddenly asserted with a flat tone, not even bothering to decorate her words with fake sobs or stutters. After all, they were some of the first words she’d spoken that are true. That day, Jasper had a chance to let go of Lapis’ arm and accept that she didn’t get to be released from her pain. Lapis warned her to settled down, and she didn’t listen. So, Jasper got poofed.

Yet, while the words filled in well enough to act in place of a proper explanation to Garnet, Jasper finally spoke up to break her meek silence.

“I failed…? I-I did everything you wanted!!”

Those frustrated navy eyes narrowed into her, glaring harshly in command for the Quartz to go along like Lapis had told her to. And rather than complying with those wishes, Jasper dropped her eyes to her lap, staring uncomfortably at the beige towels marred with ugly streaks of blood blotching through. It made her nauseous to stare at them, but she didn’t dare bring her eyes back up.

“You didn’t stop when I told you to.” Lapis cut in sourly, sounding unperturbed but vague enough that only her and Jasper knew what the conversation was really about. To Pearl and Garnet, it sounded like a conversation about Jasper ignoring Lapis’ consent and pleads for her to stop. But only Jasper knew it was really about not letting go of Lapis when she told her to.

“No, that’s not fair... You weren’t going to _help me_! You were going to leave me like _that_!!”

Jasper’s careless words made both Pearl and Garnet mutually toss a short glance at one another in slight confusion, and Lapis noticed. But she’d be damned if Jasper ruins this, so in a heartbeat she dropped off the genuine yet vague conversation with Jasper to make a feeble sobbing noise and throw out another lie to build off of Jasper’s words.

“I-I… I had no obligation to help you _get off_!!!” Lapis sudden cried out, with her pseudo-sorrow finding its way beneath her words again. Taken aback at the unexpected reply, Jasper blinked in astonishment, mouth slightly parted as if she meant to say something but being too crippled by Lapis’ words to fathom a reply.

She was twisting the story. Jasper never said what Lapis was not helping her with, nor specified what she was leaving her like… So Lapis stole it from her. She took Jasper’s very own words, and contorted them into her own little story.

Lapis was making it sound like Jasper was an animalistic, barbaric brute that demanded Lapis help her get off. She was acting like she had told the Quartz ‘no’, and in retaliation to being denied, Jasper had forcibly had her way with Lapis so that she wouldn’t be left unsatisfied like that.

Just barely, Jasper heard Pearl mutter a curse under her breath, and tug Lapis back into a steadfast hold in her arms, as if she was comforting the blue gem for having the courage to speak up.

Even Garnet was silenced by Lapis’ words; she didn’t protest in the Quartz’s defense this time.

With a rapid shake of her head, Jasper softly stuttered on empty words for a few seconds as she struggled to find her voice. Deep inside her chest felt hot and burning with some sick combination of fear and shame, but her toes and fingers were icy and numb. It wasn’t fair.

Would they believe her if she told them Lapis was lying? Right after Lapis had just used Jasper’s own words against her like that…?

Even though her head was spinning and her mouth was sticky and dry, Jasper leveled herself enough to speak up.

Lapis didn’t get to be the victim in this. Not _again_.

“N-no, that’s not what happened! You refused to _shatter_ me... you were going to leave me in a pool of my _own blood!!_ You wouldn’t let me die after _what you did to me!!_ ”

The blue gem wore a blank expression, and failed to have a reply ready for those words. Lapis never expect Jasper to have the courage, or even self-assertion, to say that.

But while the water gem stayed silent, Pearl made a short noise somewhere crossed between offended and appalled.

“You’re _deranged,_ Jasper!!! I saw the bruises you left on her arms!! I saw the blood seeping through her skirt!! And you have the _audacity_ to suggest that you were the one wronged that day!?!”

Since Garnet wasn’t there the day the others found Lapis in the barn, she didn’t know the truth of the situation, and looked at Jasper to explain herself in light of her radical accusation that the blood was hers, and that she had asked Lapis to shatter her. For over a year, the fusion had cemented it in her mind that Lapis was assaulted that day, and had only momentarily overcame Jasper for the split second it took to poof her in self-defense. Even after seeing Lapis forcing herself on the Quartz today, and seeing the shell of a personality Jasper had retained since the last time Garnet saw her, she still couldn’t let go what she had been believing in for a whole year.

Yet, when she looked over to the Quartz, she seemed confused herself. As if the story Pearl was telling her was the first she’s heard of this.

“Blood on her skirt…?” With a knit brow, the Quartz blankly stared at Pearl, completely muddled at her words. Then suddenly, Jasper realized what she was talking about, and felt a sickening drop in her stomach.

“ _Oh stars_. No, you… You thought that was hers too…?”

Pearl’s expression fell at Jasper’s utterly heartbroken face. To the Quartz, it felt like Lapis had no limits of what she would steal from Jasper to get her way. She would even go as far as saying the blood on her groin she’d gotten from ramming her hips against the Quartz’s was her own.

Jasper started gasping in drinks of air; her head was swimming.

“Garnet, she’s _insane_! She’s lost her mind!!” Lapis suddenly yelled, trying to dismiss Jasper’s claims by simply calling her crazy.

Garnet looked over to her. And for a dreary moment, Lapis’ words sank in.

Abruptly frowning, it finally seemed to click in Garnet’s head. She’s been struggling to make sense of this whole mess from the get go, and at Lapis’ words, she thought she finally sorted everything out.

Jasper _had_ lost her mind. Everyone could see it in the way she acted, and how submissive and hesitant she is. It would make sense if she couldn’t control the phase of her clothes as well; she’s unanchored from reality.

Which is why it made perfect sense to Garnet if it also meant Jasper was making up everything she was saying.

Not on purpose, of course. But what if the trauma of having Lapis force herself on her today was too much for the prideful Quartz to accept that, in order to cope, her mind told her she’s always been the victim? It made sense; to avoid feeling like she deserved it after what she had done to Lapis, her mind fabricated false memories to make Jasper believe she was never the one at fault. But rather, it was always Lapis.

And if that was the case, what if all those memories felt real and painful for the Quartz, even if they never actually happened?

With a shaky sigh, Garnet set her hand sympathetically on Jasper’s shoulder when she noticed she had opened her mouth to argue against Lapis. And at the gentle touch, the words got stuck in her throat and she looked up at the fusion with watery eyes, with a silent plea on her face for Garnet to tell her she wasn’t insane like Lapis claimed.

With a heavy-hearted frown, Garnet gave a slow shake of her head.

“I’m sorry, Jasper. I think I know what’s going on here... It’s not your fault you think she hurt you that day.”

A couple hot tears tipped off the rim of her eyes when the Quartz squeezed them shut in pain, having the only gem there that defended her now siding against her.

“I-It wasn’t just that day-- she did it before, again and again… She would do it every moment we were _alone…_ ” Jasper whimpered with a cold shiver, leaning into the gentle caress Garnet had on her arm.

“That’s just what your mind is telling you. You’re under a lot of stress right now, and I know this may be hard to hear, but you’re in shock from what happened today. And to cope, your mind is telling you things that aren’t real.”

Even though the hand against her felt comforting on her clammy skin, Jasper jerked away from it with a jagged recoil, as if Garnet’s words physically hurt to hear.

“I’m _not_ in shock!! _Please_ , you have to believe me… This has happened before!!”

Garnet forcibly reached out to hold the trembling Quartz by her shoulders.

“Jasper, it’s alright, settled down! Your mind’s not in a good place right now. You're not thinking clearly--”

“YES, I AM!!! I _know_ what happened-- Lapis, please, just tell her what you _did_!! Y-you can’t pretend it all _didn’t happen_!!”

Jasper’s desperate plea to Lapis was met with a cold shake of her head.

“But it _didn’t_ , Jasper… Please stop it, you're _scaring_ me…”

The Quartz violently gripped into the towels in her lap, bunching them up in her hands in despair. Jasper remembered every single time Lapis hit her. Almost perfectly, she could imagine the exact sensation of the blue gem’s fist ramming against her cheek, or recall in graphic detail how it felt to have Lapis’ member inside her. She remembers how sore the side of her face felt from being pressed into the ground when Lapis mounted her. She remembers how her legs violently quivered in a disgusting, compulsive tremor when Lapis forced her to climax. She remembers how sore her throat felt from screaming when Lapis told her she’s been bubbled in the Temple for a year.

Those memories were all strong and vivid; it was all she ever saw when she shut her eyes. Jasper couldn’t have imagined it.

It was all real. It _has_ to be real. Right...?

Absentmindedly, she found her hand slipped under the bundled-up towels, feeling down her bloody thigh to find the gashes Lapis had left on her earlier that day. In a harsh hitch of her breath, she sighed in discomfort when she accidentally ran over the slashed open wounds.

It was real. Lapis clawed down one of her thighs.

Needing further confirmation of her mental soundness, Jasper’s free hand slipped under the towels as well. Disregarding the audience she had, the Quartz’s trembling hand hesitantly travel to her inner thigh in reluctance, almost making herself flinch instinctively from her own touch. Her own hand hasn’t been near her groin area for well over a year, and just the sensation of something over her sensitive skin was enough to send a stake of nausea deep down her throat. But Jasper swallowed, and mustered enough strength to run her hand up her inner thigh, and cupped over herself as gently as she could.

The sensation made her whimper, and Jasper shamefully kept her head down as she tried to pretend she wasn’t doing this in front of other gems. But with her middle and index finger, she lightly traced a circle around her sore entrance, before withdrawing her hand faster than she’d like to admit and pulling it out from the towel. Jasper looked at her hand to find warm blood smudged generously over her two fingertips.

It also was real. Lapis had been inside her.

She wasn’t imagining anything. If all the memories of Lapis hurting her today were real, how could the ones of her hurting her for the last year be fake?

In a blatant surge, she held out the hand with the bloody fingers, watching as it made Pearl immediately cover her mouth in disgust. Yet Garnet didn’t, so Jasper kept her hand out.

“What happened today was real! So, why isn’t what happened any other day real…?”

Garnet held her mouth open blankly for a minute, still a little startled over the bloody fingers being presented as evidence. Today was real, no doubt about it; the fusion had walked in from the screaming and saw for herself what Lapis was doing. But she wasn’t trying to discredit what happened to Jasper today. Instead, she was only trying to tell her that while today was real, there's no possible way any other day beforehand could’ve happened.

“I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, Jasper. It’s okay-- the memories don’t have to be real for them to be painful…” with a low voice, Garnet hesitantly took the bloody hand Jasper had presented out, and held it in between her hands in a protective, understanding way.

Her two gems felt cool and relaxing against Jasper’s clammy, heated skin. But the Quartz still found herself pulling her hand away, unable to be comforted by Garnet whilst being told her memories were lies. The motion was violent enough to make all the gems jump in surprise.

“NO! IT WAS _REAL_!! I _COUNTED--_ I COUNTED EVERY TIME IT HAPPENED!! IT’S BEEN REAL _FOURTY-SIX_ _TIMES_ , NOT JUST _ONE_!!!”

The fear and force of her voice cause Pearl to startle, and in a heartbeat the pale gem was up on her feet with her spear summoned in hand.

Rather than stop or hold Pearl back, Garnet instinctively pushed her hand down hard on Jasper’s chest, as if the former soldier was about to jump up and attack.

As if Jasper had screamed out in aggression, instead of heartbreak.

Since the Quartz was already shaken up, and wasn’t even pushing up to stand in the slightest degree when Garnet’s hand slammed against her like that, the momentum threw Jasper down on her back with a rumbling smack. She cried out in a voice a few pitches higher than what Garnet and Pearl last remember her once-strong voice sounded like, but the motion of being forced on her back was one her body was overly familiar with, as she instinctually failed to catch herself or buffer the fall with her hands. There was no resistance, but rather a whine of pain at the blunt impact stinging particularly sharp in her shoulder blades. 

Garnet hadn’t meant to push her down. But when Jasper’s voice was raised and forceful like that, it’s impossible to see the Quartz as anything by a violent soldier ready and willing to attack. And it wasn’t Jasper’s fault; she looked the part, and had once played it so well. But she doesn’t anymore. That role has long been foreign to her; Jasper was still a Quartz, but not a Quartz soldier.

Which is why when Pearl lunged atop her, with the edge of her weapon lodging its point tightly against the skin subdued gem’s neck, Jasper's muscles turned to stone and barred herself from resistance. Consciously, she hadn’t even processed the chaotic stream of events flashing before her; yet subconsciously, her body was already responding with submission.

Even with her body wholly submitted out of ingrained obedience and conditioned responses, Jasper’s eyes were widened with a dreadful rise of panic. They were flooded with so much fear that her pupils were narrowed down into pinpoints, devastated and petrified.

“PEARL _STOP--_!”

Before Garnet’s words hit Pearl, she was already thrusting her spear through the shockingly unresisting gem. She had seen Jasper as the enemy the moment she found Lapis sobbing in a puddle of blood over a year ago. All it took was the suggestively aggressive shouting to drive her over the edge, and protectively jump to take down the only gem in the room whom she registered as a threat.

Maybe Jasper would’ve screamed. Not at the pain, but at how badly she had messed up; she knew what will become of herself now. But not a single cry of challenge against her fate was thrown out into the world, as her throat severed through and a choking surge of blood filled the back of her mouth.

She sputtered to speak nonetheless, to beg for death and assure she wouldn’t end up bubbled down in the Temple back as Lapis’ prisoner. But, for the few moments she hung onto her physical form, all Jasper managed to do was to choke and spit up blood, speckling it over her chin with each dying attempt at a word.

Garnet was the only one who obliged to Jasper’s efforts to communicate, and phased off her visor to lean down next to the Quartz in her frantic moments to speak up before her body caves in. Torrents of blood was already filling her lungs, and although gems don’t need to breath, the sensation felt like drowning.

“I’m _sorry_ , Jasper. It’s not your fault the memories feel real.”

Thick, hot tears rolled over the side of Jasper’s face. A gurgling purl strangled out from the back of her throat, forming a meaningless sputter of lost words. She really wished the memories _were_ fake. She wished that they weren’t real, because that would mean she wouldn’t have to return back to every horror her mind tells her she’s been living through this last year.

A draw of sympathy flickered a unique shade in each of Garnet’s eyes, and for a second Jasper admired the tinges of cobalt in one eye, to vermillion in the other, and violet in the last. Each played a different palette of hues, and for a split-second Jasper wondered if this would be the last time she saw any eye color that wasn’t piercing navy.

What beautiful colors they were. For such a long time, she had only either seen the red of her blood or the blue of her abuser. Never before has blue and red seemed so serene, and for a while Jasper had long forgotten that those two colors combined made a radiant violet with mauve undertones.

Jasper hopes she’ll remember those colors. She hopes she’ll remember there were times in her life where red and blue didn’t mean pain.

There was a comforting stroke on her shoulder, but Jasper barely registered the little comfort before her body failed her. Her mind when blank, and her body collapsed with a tragic burst, leaving her gem to fall onto the layers of towels.

It was sickening how it all ended up going down. Even more so with the aftermath.

After all, a lot of painful decisions were made that day.

Garnet couldn’t blame Pearl for her knee-jerk reaction that led to Jasper’s poofing. After all, her herself momentarily reacted like Jasper was a threat; she didn’t mean to push her down, but hearing the Quartz’s shouting shortcutted her to react with aggression rather than condolence.

But the absolution of Pearl’s actions was far from the worst Garnet had to excuse. Sadly enough, she couldn’t hold Lapis accountable for assaulting Jasper that day.

Long after the Quartz was poofed, her and Pearl argued about it. But when it came down to it, it was decided that Jasper’s mind was falsifying her memories in some twisted form of coping; thus, she was still the one at fault for the bloody mess Lapis was found in over a year ago. And not only did that mean she was a rapist, but it meant she was an insane rapist.

Even though it never felt right, Garnet bubbled her and sent her off to the Temple.

And even though it made her stomach twist into a knot every time she thought about it, Garnet had to accepted that the scene she walked in on between Lapis and Jasper was the first time that has ever happened. And, now that everything was settled and the water gem was walking away from this with nothing more than a slap on the wrist and a ‘don’t do this again’, Garnet had to accept that Jasper would stay the villain.

She told Amethyst what happened later that day. Perhaps it was the fact she was there with Pearl when they found Lapis in a bloody mess over a year ago, but she thought Lapis was still a victim. A now-guilty victim, but a victim nonetheless.

Steven wasn’t told anything. But after that, Garnet was reluctant to leave him and Lapis alone in the same room.

As for Peridot, Garnet didn’t tell her what happened right away. It wasn’t something she could imagine her taking well, so she was going to wait. Not until the freshness of the accident fades from everyone’s minds, but at least until Garnet is able to verbally recall it without getting a disturbing knot in her throat.

Overall, the pieces never fitted well together. The incident never truly seemed resolved.

But Garnet was going to have to let it go.

At least, until, she finds a reason not to.

 

\-----------------------

 

She just needed a moment to think.

Perhaps it’s been an hour, or hell, even a day. But Garnet stayed pacing the Temple’s Bubble Room, uneasy and on edge. Today would be a month since the little incident she walked in on between Lapis and Jasper, and for whatever reason, Garnet felt today was the day she ought to tell Peridot. Yet, facing that small, emotionally-fragile gem and working up the strength to tell her what happened that day was too much. Garnet needed time to just pace around and compose herself.

And for whatever reason, she chose this place.

The Bubble Room was always a rather quiet place, save for the weak gurgles and rumbles of the central lava pit. But now, the walls seem to echo faint screams. Just when Garnet’s mind begins to wonder, and swell with the bloom of fresh confidence to leave this room and tell Peridot of what had happened, she hears it.

She knows they’re not actually there.

But the screams still pierce the surface of her consciousness and bring her back to that day. That day that never felt right.

And perhaps, if the heart-wrenching cries she hears in her head were a few pitches higher, she might be able to dismiss them. But their tone is low and deep, and etched with faint wavers of pale trembles.

It’s Jasper’s screams.

She can’t stop hearing them in her head, over and over. Bouncing off the stone walls of the Bubble Room and crying for someone to hear. Or perhaps, Jasper never screamed to get someone to hear. Maybe her pleads for Lapis to stop were ignored so many times that they got lost into indiscernible hollers of anguish, hollow of force but laced with misery. It wasn’t about someone hearing them. It was about Jasper just getting something out, and draining her body of a smidge of pain so there’s less inside her.

The faint padding of bare feet on the hard, stone floor snapped Garnet out of her dwelling on the past. With a rough shake of her head to smother the memory of Jasper’s cries, she twisted over to the new guest into the Bubble Room, and made a short noise of surprise.

Upon entering, Lapis gasped too as she was taken off-guard, and made a conscious effort to not sound irritated that the Bubble Room was occupied. The water gem assumed Garnet was off on a mission, and that she’d be able to steal a few hours with her prisoner to burn off some steam. But that plan crumbled away into nothing once she walked in on Garnet pacing idly in the room, seeming a tad on edge but not withdrawing from the opportunity to give Lapis a frown of disapproval.

“I thought your access to this room was revoked. What are you doing here, Lapis?” The taller gem hissed with a subtle tone of rage that Lapis dare come back to this room, especially with how she got away with her offense almost scot-free.

“I was just… checking something. I didn’t mean to cause trouble, I’ll be leaving right away.”

With a harsh avert of her navy eyes, Garnet watched as Lapis eyed something past her for a short moment, before dropping back to meet Garnet’s irritated gaze. For whatever reason, that motion made Garnet’s stomach drop, but she tried to ignore her urge to take a glance behind her to see what Lapis eyed at.

“Checking something…? Don’t be vague, Lazuli. I’m sure there’s seldom here that would pique your interest.”

Garnet expected the lithe gem to tremble, or shoot her a nervous look. But rather, those dark navy eyes glimmered with a veil of Lapis’ thin patience, and the corner of her lips dropped into a disagreeable frown.

Lapis didn't like being questioned.

When the water gem failed to respond, Garnet continued with a low, threatening tone.

“Don’t tell me you came here for _her_ \--”

Surprisingly enough, Lapis let out a little noise of false hurt and dropped both her eyes and her attitude to the accusation.

“Oh, please don’t bring her up,” Lapis hurried out with a forced sense of stress, and Garnet blinked twice at her sudden switch from serious to distraught. “I would _never_... I-I… I shouldn’t have come here today.”

Trying to play her victim card and withdraw herself early from the conversation, Lapis made a little stumble back as if being reminded of that day was physically distressing, and turned to exit. Whenever questions came darting towards her, she was always quick to dismiss them by toying with whatever sympathy she could coax from those questioning her. But Garnet growled in outrage to her disregard, and closed the gap between them to halt the smaller gem with a commanding hand holding her back by her shoulder.

The water gem purposefully made a soft breathless gasp, and Garnet leaned from behind her to murmur by her ear, as if her radical allegation was so insidious that it couldn’t be spoken louder than a whisper.

“Actually, I think we should bring her up. You slid by pretty easy that day despite your story not adding up…”

Those cold, stygian blue eyes narrowed, but Lapis didn’t leak out an ounce of fear at Garnet’s assertion. Rather, she managed to feign the face of distress and uneasiness, and forced out a tremble over her body that felt too calculated under Garnet’s hand to be sincere. Nevertheless, it didn’t moulder her mask of fragility and victimhood.

“I made a horrible mistake, and I’ve already apologized. Now please let me go… you’re making me _uncomfortable…_ ”

Unperturbed by her act, Garnet’s grip firmly tightened. Lapis squirmed, growing genuinely anxious from how unfazed the taller gem was to her facade.

“To _us_ , not her. Out of all the sorrys you gave that day, not one of them was directed at _her_.”

Garnet could hear Lapis’ breath waver slightly, slowly gathering to respond without crumbling her mask of victimhood.

“W-what is this _actually_ about!? Get your hands off me!!” She cried in a voice of pretend panic, and jerked her shoulder out of Garnet’s hold. The reaction startled the taller gem, and she snapped her hand back away from Lapis out of respect. The sharp rise in the water gem’s voice was too convincing for Garnet to fight against, and she swallowed back a lump of guilt in her throat when Lapis folded her arms over herself, as if protectively defensive.

“You have no right to touch me!” The lithe gem snapped, holding herself secure in her own arms. Lapis knew the more sensitive and fragile she pretended to be, the harder it was for others to see her as anything but an innocent victim.

Harshly, Garnet bit her bottom lip, and Lapis bit back a smile that her illusion of weakness was finally working.

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just…” The taller gem lightly sighed, and dropped her eyes to the floor. “It’s just hard seeing you back in this room. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Even if that day she found Lapis and Jasper together tainted Garnet’s viewpoint of Lapis ever being innocent, she never stopped believing that Lapis was the one hurt over a year ago in the barn. To Garnet, Jasper was just a broken gem that unknowingly fabricated memories of being abused, and thought she was hurt many times before Garnet found her screaming under Lapis a month ago. Which, to Garnet, was impossible.

She still believed Jasper had assaulted Lapis before.

Which means, in Garnet’s eyes, she just intimidated and frightened a sexual abuse survivor.

Taking it as far as to grab Lapis by her shoulder was already too much by Garnet’s own morals. Replaying the last few moments in her head in retrospect, she began to feel nauseous with herself, and dryly swallowed in her mouth in hopes it’s wash down some of the shame of harassing the smaller gem.

“It’s fine... I know what I did can’t ever be forgiven. I really don’t deserve you or the other gems as friends, and it means the world to me that you guys let me stay here after everything.” With a tiny, shaky smile, Lapis unfolded her arms as if she was exceeding a hand of intimacy and trust over to Garnet. Who bought it, as she returned a half-understanding smile.

“No, you’re right. It _was_ horrible, but that one-time mistake is wrong to hold against you. You’ve been through a lot, and… I’m sorry.” With an offer of open arms, Garnet was surprised how unhindered the lithe gem was to jump into the embrace, and drop the hesitation she had a moment ago. Taking a little curving step from the weight leaning against her, the taller gem let out a relieved huff that her overreaction wasn’t taken too poorly.

Lapis made a very bad mistake that day trying to let Jasper know how it felt to be assaulted, but that was a one-time accident that will never happen again. It’s in the past.

“Thank you for understanding…” Lapis whispered against her, and Garnet felt a gentle smile ghost her lips as she clung onto the smaller gem. Absentmindedly, her eyes wandered to the bright bubbles in the room when the embrace stayed locked, and Garnet found herself searching for Jasper’s bubble as one last gesture of acknowledgement before she puts this whole mess behind her. Despite the time she spends in the Bubble Room, she always avoids looking at (or even trying to find) Jasper’s gem since the day she had to bubble her away. Garnet is always afraid that looking at the Quartz’s sad, lonely gem would make the memories of her screams worse.

After a few moments of searching, her eyes locked with Jasper’s gemstone for the first time in a month, and Garnet’s heart dropped as she felt her arms weakly fall off Lapis.

Garnet was the one who bubbled the Quartz that day.

But Jasper’s gem was in a blue bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp there's part one for ya. I can't believe it took me 14,000+ words just to get _somebody_ to believe Jasper is the victim in all this. Thought it'll only take me 3000-4000 words to establish that so I could move to the scene I wanted to write, but I was oh so very wrong.
> 
> Also, of course I used this as an excuse to research/cite more psychology. So, here's to science:  
> \- Anyone wondering why the hell Jasper still "loves" Lapis? That's due to [Traumatic Bonding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding), which causes abuse victim to bond to their abuser through repeated cycles of trauma. This is particularly due to a powerful reward/punishment system.  
> \- The reason Lapis tends to be big on name-calling and verbal abuse is because it's a highly effective psychological tactic to obtain [power and control in abusive relationships](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships#Emotional_abuse).  
> \- A good part of this chapter was Lapis (and unknowingly, Garnet and Pearl) trying to aggressively [gaslight](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting) Jasper into thinking she's never been abused.  
> \- Throughout the story, Jasper's go-to coping mechanisms have been [Dissociation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_\(psychology\)) and [Compliance](http://www.tiporangecounty.org/pdfs/tRape_Reactions_of_the_Victim.pdf) (I know the pdf in the last link is hella long, so here's the citation on compliance in the paper : " _Most victims employ several coping strategies in an attempt to dissuade the assailant. They may reason, physically resist, distract, plead, bargain, and/or try to negotiate. When these attempts fail, the victim is rendered helpless and powerless to prevent the sexual assault. Sensing that her survival is at stake, she submits, hoping to avoid severe physical injury or death._ (Rape: Reactions Of The Victim, page 1)".  
>  \- During this entire chapter, there is very aggressive [Victim Play](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing) from Lapis.
> 
> Anywho, if part 2 goes as planned and stays under 9,000 words, I'll have it posted in a week. But if I somehow sell my soul to this fic and write out another chapter well over 10,000 words, then expect a little longer for it to be posted. 
> 
> Love to hear from you guys if this alternate ending somehow made the whole situation better. Because honestly, part of me feels like this doesn't even qualify as a "good" ending, so feel free to leave a comment on whether or not I should lighten it up more just so that I'll know if I need to adjust the tone of part 2. Until then, hope you guys enjoyed this <3 <3 <3
> 
>  
> 
> [(also, here's some very not-okay concept art for this fic)](http://theres-light-on-the-other-side.tumblr.com/post/153938403589/started-with-bruise-coloring-practice-and-somehow)


	7. Stomach It (Alt Ending Pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's come a long way ever since she's been free from Lapis, and Jasper can't help but look back on the hardships of the last few months without her. Even with support from the Crystal Gems, Jasper still struggles to reignite the parts of herself that Lapis snuffed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, okay, so this is super late and doesn't actually contain the comeuppance everyone wanted for Lapis. BUT before you think i'm just letting her off easy, know this: _this chapter is over 21,000 words long and i wasn't even able to get to the scene i wrote the alternate ending for_. I was around 25,000 words deep before realizing that if i actually wanted to write in the scene i wanted to, then this single chapter would be well over 30,000. And look, proof-reading 21,000+ is already hella hard, so i snipped this chapter off at a reasonable point and moved the few-thousand words over to the next chapter.
> 
> So i'm sorry, but this chapter is almost wholly Jasper recovery. But i think at this point, she deserves it. I will admit, the style of this chapter is hectic and confusing because i was trying to jam-pack as much healing and explanation as possible into this, so to make it simple i laid the format out like this: the past is written in this color, and the present isn't. I'm not a big fan of italicizing flashbacks lmao
> 
> Okay I know this is a lot of talking for a chapter note, and you guys probably just want to read the chapter, but I want to finish this with a thank you. Motivation to write pain is easy for me, but to undo all that pain is another story completely. I've learned a lot about sexual abuse recovery these last few weeks from researching for this chapter, and honesty, it's hard to imagine that anyone comes back from it. But people do, and it's incredible, and I wish I could spend 100,000 words just _trying_ to depict the true hardships of recovery. 
> 
> Anywho, thanks again. And to those who wanted something better for Jasper, this is it. I hope you enjoy.
> 
>  
> 
> _(song:[Stomach It by Crywolf](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmEK31ghdFM))_

She’s cemented it into her mind that she wasn’t going to be useless.

All day long, it’s an invasion into Jasper’s mind. A little voice in the back of her head calling her worthless. A chill racing under her skin reminding her she’s ruined. A singeing pain in her stomach screaming at her she’s disgusting. An accidental flinch to a sudden noise mocking her for being pathetic.

“I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t…” Softly, so much so that the words were hardly audible, Jasper quietly repeated her little mantra to herself from where she was hidden behind her book. Garnet told her to repeat those words to herself whenever the memories washed up, and although Pearl could just barely hear the Quartz whisper those hushed words, it’s become routine enough to go without acknowledgement. She continued sweeping the living room floor without so much of a word to the trembling Quartz reading on the couch.

Honestly, Pearl didn't understand why Garnet was so insistent on holding Jasper's hand through this. The Quartz made her rather uncomfortable as it is, even after the whole truth between Lapis and her revealed itself from simplicity of her bubble’s color. It was like unraveling a horrid tangle of thread, so clustered and confusing that the end and beginning is all the same-- yet, with the undoing of one single, stupidly simplistic knot, the rest followed the momentum and untangles with ease. All it takes is that one stubborn knot, and then it all falls into place. The initial momentum that leads to resolution. The horizon of conclusion.

For Garnet, that blue bubble was the undoing of that stubborn knot.

Yet the resolution was hardly the end of the problem. To Garnet, the guilt felt like it could've killed her. Hell, there were times when the guilt nearly unfuses her, just from the sheer stress and the undying disturbance to the kind of life Jasper had to live this last year. The kind of life Garnet unknowingly returned her to, and made her suffer for a month more until she finally had the willpower to look at Jasper’s gemstone and realize it was in blue bubble.

So even when Pearl insisted they should send Jasper off-- release her into the wild like she was some sort of abused animal who would know the first thing about handling itself out there-- Garnet said no. In her eyes, Jasper deserved more than being held open the door and told ‘sorry about all that, you can go now’. Jasper needed someone. She needed to learn how to be herself again, and wash away the stains Lapis left on her mind.

And Garnet was here to do that.

At least, she usually was. But the Quartz takes up a lot of attention just to keep her at a functioning level, and at times like this where Garnet was off on a mission, she had no quarrels with handing Jasper a book so she could occupy herself for a few hours. And although Garnet didn't fully trust Pearl’s over watch of her, she was always the next gem with the responsibility of watching over Jasper.

Which today had left them alone, as Garnet was preoccupied with some mission and Amethyst was out and about with Peridot.

The pale gem could make out the deep voice faintly muttering, repeating those four words like it was the only thing keeping her from crumbling right then and there. With a finalizing brush of the sweep, Pearl gave the living room a once over with her eyes (careful not to linger her gaze too much on the Quartz as she glanced by her), before she concluded her chore with a triumphant ‘mhmm’. Glancing over to the clock, she prided herself that she managed to clean up the house just in time to pick Steven up from Connie’s.

“Are you close to finishing your book, Jasper?” Pearl casually questioned, without the slightest acknowledgement to the repetitive mantra the Quartz was muttering. Yet, as if breaking her from a trace, Jasper’s head snapped up in response to her name and the mantra of words died on her lips.

She'd must've zoned out, because she doesn't remember the last three pages she's read.

In a hurry to seem composed, her head dropped back down and she haphazardly flipped back a handful of pages to search for the last familiar spot she could find, and while stuttering out a delayed answer to Pearl’s question.

“Uhh… y-yes-- I mean no, I think? I'm halfway through.” Her ingrained uncertainty splintered through her reply like shards of shattered glass; jagged and protruding, yet reminiscent that there was a time the glass wasn't broken. Of when someone didn't have to walk on the verbal shards just to communicate with the Quartz.

A sliver of sympathy tilted the edge of Pearl’s lips in a somber smile.

“Halfway? That's good, so you think you can handle a hour or so while I pick up Steven?”

Jasper jumped, and the involuntary startle made her book slip from her grip and smack the floor with a thud.

“Ah-- I’m _sorry_ \-- you mean… by myself…?”

Without the slightest delay, the Quartz was already downplaying her surprise and reaching to collect her book from the floor, as if she hadn’t been so shocked by Pearl’s suggestion that she dropped it. As per usual, for it’s become common knowledge in the house that Jasper hates eye contact, she absentmindedly fixed her eyes onto the book in her shaky hands and leafed through the pages as if she was searching for her place. But her head was swarming with bewilderment, and she couldn’t quite focus on finding the last part she’s read.

As if already exhausted with her meek attitude, Pearl sighed. “It’s been a few months, Jasper. You have to learn to handle yourself alone.”

Jasper didn’t want to seem obsessive and specify that it’s been fifty-six days. She still kept count, much to the disturbance of the other gems.

And although Pearl was speaking as if she was coaxing a child to start sleeping with the lights off, Jasper could note the edge of irritation under her tone. She knew she was a bother to everyone, and it made a hollow burn in her stomach ignite. That little voice at the back of her head reminded her again.

 _Pathetic_.

Jasper shivered.

“I’m a Quartz. I can handle myself.” The words were weak and sounded almost like a mumble, but Jasper still tried seeming like she was stronger than she was. Pearls were a myriad of ranks below Quartzes, and it felt undermining and patronizing whenever Pearl chided Jasper like she was above her. Jasper almost even felt inclined to speak down on Pearl, and to build herself up from how much she could put the pale gem down... but even thinking about doing that made the pain in her lower abdomen scorch in remorse to those thoughts. She couldn’t be verbally abusive with the lower-ranking gem even if she wanted to. Jasper already knew how much it hurt to be on the receiving end.

Pleased in Jasper’s agreement that she can fair by herself for a few hours, Pearl went to give her a reassuring pat on the back, but it was met with an immediate flinch before her hand even met the Quartz’s skin. Her hand awkwardly fell back to her side.

“Sorry, right. No touching.” Pearl muttered out, always forgetting Garnet’s repeated reminders not to touch Jasper; the Quartz was only receptive to contact from Garnet. Even as often as she gets reminded, it’s always easy to forget the large, brutish-looking gem was as sensitive as she was. And that forgetfulness was one of the reasons Garnet didn’t quite trust Pearl’s oversight of Jasper.

The slender gem pivoted on her heel towards the exit, facing away from the Quartz. “I won’t even be gone that long-- just try not to do anything when I’m gone, I’m in the middle of cleaning up the place.”

Uncomfortable with the idea that she was being told to do nothing so she doesn’t cause a mess, a familiar feeling shivered under Jasper’s skin.

 _Worthless_.

“I-I wanna help. I can clean when you're gone.” Stuttering to speak just as Pearl started walking to the door, she caught the pale gem’s attention.

“No, it’s fine, Jasper. Just finish your book, I’ll be back soon--”

“ _Please_. I… I wanna be useful.”

The words were confined within such a desperate plea that Pearl turn back around to face her, finding the Quartz’s watery eyes begging her for a purpose. For anything to make her feel like she’s useful and important.

“Umm… Garnet’s taught you to do laundry before, right? Think you can do laundry by yourself?”

Fast to accept her given task, Jasper quickly nodded her head, feeling a little bit of warmth mute the cold voice in the back of her head.

“Yes! I can, I know how.”

Satisfied with that answer, Pearl gave another little soft smile, before gesturing to the basket of clothes she had set by the stairs to do later that day.

“It’ll be great if you can have that done by the time I get back… But, don’t stress about finishing it if it’s too much. Take your time.”

With another mindlessly obedient nod, Jasper disregarded the entire second half of Pearl’s statement. There was no room for failure, she will have it all done. She was going to be useful, and prove how important she is.

Believing that Jasper was going to fair fine by herself, Pearl turned back to the door without any second thoughts. She hopes Garnet won’t be upset that she left Jasper alone for an hour or two… after all, Garnet was livid last month when Jasper got hurt from Pearl leaving her alone. But Pearl was confident that the Quartz seemed more stable than she was then, and didn’t want to entertain the idea that the accident from last month could repeat itself.

The moment she left, Jasper set her book aside and sprung to her feet, hurrying over to collect the basket of laundry. Garnet taught her that humans can’t fabricate clothing, and have to wash their clothes whenever they get dirty. It was a simple enough task to teach her, especially considering that Jasper began wearing human clothes on account of her inability to remake or change her own. Understandably so, she didn’t like her uniform being so skin-tight, but Garnet was kind enough to get her large, loose sweatshirts and sweatpants that hangs off her skin rather than cling to it. Jasper didn’t know such a small difference would make such a drastic change in her comfort; for her, wearing the Earth clothing was certainly worth the occasional washings.

Focusing herself back onto the task she had, she kept a firm grip on the basket in her hands as she headed towards the warp pad to get up to where the washer and dryer are kept. Cleaning clothes is a simple task with the aid of those Earth machines.

A little sigh escaped her lips just as Jasper stepped up onto the pad. It was so easy to wash away stains on clothing. It almost felt unfair in comparison to the difficulty of cleaning the stains from her mind.

With a shiver, Jasper remembered the last time she tried. Trying to scrub out the stains like they were something tangible.

But no matter how hard she tried, some stains just never wash out.

 

\-----------------------------  
  
\---  
_DAY 15_  
\---

It had only been a few hours, but Garnet shouldn’t have left.

Perhaps it was her fault for thinking she could trust Jasper under Pearl’s watch. Or maybe she shouldn’t have had faith that two weeks was enough time for Jasper to not crumble without her.

But she needed a break-- the Quartz was draining to be with. Just a few hours to be by herself, to enjoy a little stroll through the town and unwind. But Garnet regretted it the moment she walked back into the house and found Pearl and Amethyst in the house without the Quartz. She already knew Steven and Peridot were hanging at Funland, and Garnet knew Jasper was still here when they left. 

Panic settled hard in her chest, causing her to shout and startle the two other gems in the house. 

“PEARL!! Where is she!?”

Amethyst’s head shot up from where she was watching tv, and Pearl startled so energetically that she nearly dropped the cup she was rising in the sink.

“Huh-- oh, you frightened me Garnet… Don’t worry, Jasper’s fine.” The pale gem reassured her with a unsteady smile, still shaken up over being startled. Her hands absentmindedly resumed her task of washing the dishes, with her eyes falling back onto her chore.

But Garnet didn’t look comforted by the words in the slightest, gritting through her teeth in a horrid mix of stress and dread. 

“Where _is_ Jasper!?”

As if the situation was completely under control, Pearl gave a careless cock of her head to Garnet’s urgency.

“It’s all fine, she’s just in the bathroom. She seemed intrigued by the soap I was using to wash the dishes, so I explained there’s many different types of soap. When I mentioned there was a kind you can clean yourself with, she asked if she could try--” Pearl gave a little shrug, as if Jasper’s interest in soap was silly, and then set down the freshly-rinsed cup onto the counter. “-- So, I gave her some privacy so she could take a bath. She’s only been in there for, I don’t know, thirty minutes?”

Garnet’s stomach dropped. Her hands just barely began to tremble, but whether it was from anger or dread she didn’t know. She shouldn’t have left. She _really_ shouldn’t have left.

“Pearl, you… You left her _alone_?! FOR THIRTY MINUTES!?!”

Taken aback, the thin gem took a step away from the counter. Even Amethyst was looking nervous, just from merely watching the exchange. Quick to try and calm Garnet down, Pearl spoke up with a shaky voice.

“Thirty minutes isn’t unreasonable for a bath; I don’t understand why you’re so worked up about this--”

“SHE’S _NOT_ TAKING A BATH!! SHE DOESN'T TOUCH WATER ANYMORE, PEARL!!!”

Not even acknowledging the dumbfounded look on the pale gem’s face, Garnet raced over to the bathroom door and violently turned the handle, only to be halted by a jagged clink inside the doorknob cueing her that it’s locked. Straining her ears, she couldn’t hear anything that sounded like running water… or even any noises at all. It was eerily silent, and it fueled another drop of dread down her throat.

Mindlessly, Garnet pounded both her fists on the door, aggressively thudding the wood hard enough to make it rattle on its hinges. Whether it was from her frustration or her urge to get the door open, she yelled out in borderline anger, but Garnet didn’t know if that anger was directed at herself or Pearl. All she knew is she smacked against the door again, screaming with a horrible mixture of desperation and outrage.

Just as her hands pulled back so that she could summon her gauntlets and break the door in half, she heard a noise. A soft, little noise coming from the other side of the door; one that wasn’t there a moment ago.

It was whimpering. Fearful, terrified whimpering laced with little sobs of panic.

A harrowing chill of guilt drained the color from Garnet’s face. She was... _scaring_ her. 

Jasper thought Garnet was going to _hurt_ her.

Trembling, she clenched her hands close and canceled the summoning before her gauntlets could fabricate. No part of her ever wished to remind Jasper of when yelling and screaming meant she was going to be beat. Lapis wasn’t here anymore; only Garnet and the gems, and none of them would ever lay a hand on her. 

Much softer this time, Garnet gave a gentle knock on the door, with the politeness of the gesture being out of place after the halt of her sudden rage. 

“I… I-I didn’t mean to yell-- Jasper, could you please open the door?”

Her low voice was exhausted yet sympathetic, and drained of any anger when she spoke through the door to whatever was going on with Jasper on the other side. But she heard a whine of terrified reluctance.

“I-I’m _sorry…_ I d-didn’t mean to-- I-I’m so sorry, p-please _don’t_ …” 

It sounded like a victim pleading with their abuser. Another backwash of guilt scorned Garnet’s throat, feeling nauseous with herself from frightening the Quartz so much. 

“You don’t have to apologize; I’m not mad, Jasper... I’m not going to hurt you. Please, just open the door so I can see if you’re okay.”

There was a start of a choke from the other side. 

“I didn’t mean to, Garnet-- I’m sorry, I’m so _sorry--_ ”

Garnet gave another guilty frown, and rattled the doorknob again, careful not to do so in a violent manner this time.

“You didn’t mean to do _what_ , Jasper…? Please, just open the door--” When she shook the knob persistently once more, she heard another mournful whimper of fear. “Please… You aren’t hurt, are you!? _Oh stars--_ PEARL! FIND THE BATHROOM KEY!!”

Everything was a blur of panic and anticipation. All Garnet could really confirm was that Jasper was conscious and still physically formed on the other side of the door; but whether or not she was injured was ambiguous, and from the way she’s been crying, she didn’t sound mentally coherent in the slightest. The more she rattled and begged the Quartz to open, the more fear and desperation filled that hollow voice on the other side, mindlessly apologizing and pleading for dear life that Garnet doesn’t hurt her for whatever she did. 

It felt like an eternity of helplessness to comfort the hysterical, unhinged Quartz on the other side. All willpower Garnet could muster to mute the urge to smash open the door was exerted with every sliver of mental strength possible, being so desperate to not traumatized the already delirious gem any further. By the time she registered Pearl nervously clinking a small metal key against one of her palm gems, her fingers were already engulfing it into a tight hold and scrambling to open the door.

Upon hearing the sound of the key slotting into the knob with a couple sloppy clinks of hurried urgency, a hollow silence cut off the cries of mercy from the other side. 

Without any sort of moment to prepare herself for what could possibly be on the other side, Garnet pushed hard against the now-unlocked door, and forced it to swing open freely and ram into the adjacent wall by accident.

Upon laying her eyes on Jasper, Garnet’s hands cupped over her mouth at the sudden influx to hurl; corrosive bile seared up her throat to the sheer disturbance overcoming her, and if it wasn’t for her empty stomach, Garnet was sure she would’ve thrown up.

In an empty tub, the shivering Quartz was topless with her knees brought up to her chest just to fit, glistening with a wet sheen in patches all over her torso and arms. It wasn’t water; the gleaming sores were bright red and leaky, uneven and textured like jelly, with a wet glint from either her eroded exposed flesh or from blood what with how deep some of the sores went into her skin. 

And when Garnet frantically searched for the culprit to Jasper’s bloody raw skin, she found a rundown bar of exfoliating soap in the Quartz’s trembling hand. She still desperately gripped the dry crimson-blotched bar like it would bring her salvation, regardless that she’d furiously scrubbed on herself until it broke skin and spotted blisters over herself.  


Jasper’s chest heaved, wincing in pain to the slight stretch the movement gave her raw, stripped skin, and dropped her head down with a feeble cry on her plump lips.

“She’s _all over m-me_ … I-I still don’t feel clean, I just-- I want her _off me_...”

A large hand cupped over her gem, leaning into herself with a sob when she felt up it. Even though she was unknowingly slicking her stone with the runny liquid from her sores and the faint traces of blood on her fingers, Jasper could only feel the warm wetness on herself as Lapis. It felt like the wetness Lapis smeared all over her, warm and slick like that first day Lapis decided that beating her wasn’t enough. The first day that Lapis decided she would rather straddle Jasper’s face and forcibly grind herself on her, and ruin the only part of Jasper that didn’t come back clean and new after she regenerates.

It felt sticky. She felt disgusting. And no matter how hard Jasper vigorously scrubbed her body with the exfoliating soap, she didn’t feel clean of what Lapis had done to her. Every single memory was here; not something distant or in the past, but alive and reawaken all over her skin. Her dirty, ruined, worthless skin.

It was hopeless; pretending that bathing would actually make her feel less disgusted with herself. Even if Jasper had the guts to turn the water on, and bathe herself in a sane, gentle manner... she’ll still feel vile and tainted.

Garnet bit her lip hard, and gave a dry swallow to keep her stomach down. “She’s not here anymore, it’s okay now… Please, give me the soap…”

Not even entertaining the slightest sign of disobedience, Jasper’s shaky hand slowly outstretched away from herself, palm open and yielding over the soap. She’s too obedient to defy, but every part of her wished to cling onto the bar of soap as if it could actually wash off her pain. Even if it stung to scrub it over her skin. Even if broke out blisters the longer she kept trying.

Perhaps it was Garnet’s doubt that Jasper would give the soap over so easily, but she hastily snatched it out of the outstretched palm in a heartbeat and threw it towards the other side of the room, hearing the impacting smack against the far wall crack the bar into pieces.

The fast motion and loud noise immediately caught Jasper’s attention, with her head snapping up with wide-eyes to see her little key to cleanliness toss aside so violently. With a bitter frown and a heartbroken tremble on her lips, she dragged her watery eyes up to Garnet, careful to keep her head low and submissive in case Garnet was mad at her. Instead, she was met with an equally heartbroken expression.

“I-I _needed_ it…”

“No, you don’t. You’re not dirty; the memories won’t wash away. It’s going to be okay-- I’m here now.” With a crouch, Garnet leveled with the Quartz and gently caught her quivering hands between her own, holding it steady and protectively. If it wasn’t for Jasper’s stripped raw skin, Garnet would’ve captured her into a steadfast embrace; however, it would surely be more painful than comforting for the Quartz.

“It’s not enough--” Jasper huffed, glancing over at the sores all over her body and feeling a hollow yearn inside her unsated. It felt like Lapis was all over her, even if it's been over two weeks since she'd last laid eyes on that terrifying gem.

Why didn’t she feel clean? Or at least, better? Garnet was right that Lapis wasn’t here, but the pain she caused still was and it felt achy and burning on every inch of skin Jasper could recall her touching.

A disturbing thought settled in the back of the Quartz’s mind, and she absentmindedly sucked in a shuttering draw of air. Was it that maybe… she missed her? Did Jasper need Lapis so she could feel like she mattered, instead of feeling like a worthless dirty Quartz now that Lapis won’t be having any use of her?

The idea was sickening, but still caught Jasper stuttering out an all-too-familiar line.

“I’m _nothing_ without her…”

Suddenly, and neglecting any indication at all, Garnet ignored her own voice of reason and reached to catch Jasper in an embrace, finding it difficult to reach completely around the large Quartz but settling for the contact she made from pressing up against her. It was a gentle hold, with Garnet ignoring the dampness she could feel through her clothes and on her arms from the bloody sores, but it still caught Jasper stuttering out a painful whine to the agitation of her raw skin.

Yet, even though both of them clearly heard that sorrowful mutter of pain, Jasper still weakly reciprocated the embrace by holding back onto Garnet for security, just to feel something warm and soft against her and relish in that small comfort. It felt so different from when Lapis held her. It felt genuine, almost like she could feel the harrowing sorrow Garnet had for her pain. Every time Jasper thought about how kind and caring Garnet was for her, she got a warm swell in her chest, reminiscent of her feelings for Lapis but devoid of the same nature of Jasper’s love for that cruel, blue gem. It vastly different from being anything like how she felt for Lapis... but was that what it was? Was Jasper feeling love for the first gem that felt sorry for her misery?

Lapis only ever took enjoyment in her pain. Those dark navy eyes always gleamed with a stygian glint of pleasure to Jasper’s agony, like black holes desperate to thrive of the consumption of another’s light, until it consumed it all and turned its victim into a shell of what they were. 

“No, you’re not nothing without her... You’re _you_ without her. And there’s nothing wrong with that, even if it seems like it hurts right now.”

Her warm breath was just over the skin of Jasper’s shoulder, holding the embrace full enough in hopes it would still the Quartz's trembling. And at her words, she felt the tense muscles under the larger gem’s skin slightly ease up, slouching into the hold with a ghost of a shiver still rattling her nerves.

“But why does it… hurt more _without_ her? Why are her words still in my head, when she’s gone…?” A little choke broke up Jasper’s pining, and Garnet felt the large arms around her weaken with Jasper’s distress. “If it’s gonna hurt all the same, then I want her _here_. I want Lapis _back--_ ”

“No, you don’t.” Garnet cut in with a hint of bitter violence in her voice, scorned with disgust to her former friend haunting the miserable Quartz, whom was drained of any strength to ignore the ghost of her abuser left inside her mind.

Jasper made a shallow sob at Garnet’s reply, forcing her to have to hold on tighter just so Jasper wouldn’t fall limply out of the embrace.

“She made her voice the only one you can hear in your head. And it’s going to hurt for awhile, because she made you think the way she wanted you to think-- But beneath that, you’re still you, Jasper. One day she’s not going to be in your head anymore; it’ll just be you, and every bit of you she made you forget…”

With a squirmy twist, Jasper struggled to break the embrace, feeling uncomfortable and unnerved to be told her thoughts were orchestrated by Lapis. Like the blue gem was a puppeteer to Jasper’s mind, and could keep the show going even though she’s left the building. 

But Jasper didn’t quite think Garnet understood that Lapis wasn’t controlling her thoughts; Lapis _became_ her thoughts. And without her, Jasper’s head just innately echoes her voice, over and over. And now that she’s gone, Jasper doesn’t feel complete.

“You’re wrong. She never made me forget who I was… She _destroyed_ what she didn’t want and filled up the holes she left behind. Garnet, I can’t get better without her. I _need_ her back-- but you just want to keep her _away from me_!!” With a sudden rejection, Jasper forcibly pushed Garnet off of herself. Her eyes were teary and her skin was burning. She didn’t want to be touched.

Falling back, Garnet caught herself with her hands, piercing the air with an audible clink when her palm gems smacked against the hard floor.

“J-Jasper--”

“ _No._ I don’t want you here-- I don’t want you _touching_ me.” Jasper’s eyes flickered with a speckle of persistent rage filming over her hollow sorrow, enforcing her command for Garnet to leave her alone in the bathroom and cease her little comforts. She can’t become dependent on Garnet. Jasper wasn’t going to start loving her and set herself up to get hurt.

“I just want to help-- Please, Jasper…” Garnet pushed up to her feet with a little start of a step back, obliging to Jasper’s desire to keep her distance.

“I don’t want your _help_. I want to be left by myself… I want you to _get out_ , Garnet.”

With a dry swallow, Garnet acknowledged her wishes without further resistance, offering a solemn nod before exiting. She closed the door quietly behind her, before walking back over to the kitchen area and leaning over the counter with an exhausted sigh.

Upon catching in a few steady breaths of air, she felt a small hand settle up on her back, soft and apologetic. 

“I’m sorry for starting this mess… She getting worse, isn’t she…?” Pearl offered in a quiet tone, having overheard the whole exchange from the kitchen. But Garnet gave a short chuckle, causing Pearl to nervously drop her hand off and give her a muddled frown.

“No, it’s quite the opposite. She wasn’t docile; she spoke up for what she wanted, and decided her wishes weren’t going to be ignored.” Garnet tossed a glance over to the closed bathroom door, before giving a warm smile. “She’s learning that what she wants matters, and her wishes should be respected… Jasper, she’s…” 

A stir of joy validated all her time spent comforting the Quartz, making these last two weeks worthwhile despite how utterly exhausting it’s been. And even if Jasper still wasn’t in any sort of healthy mindset, she was at least expressing a personality beyond conditioned fear. It made Garnet’s next words lace with an underlying enthusiasm that Pearl could hear beyond the fatigue.

“She’s remembering how to be herself. Jasper’s finally starting to get _better_.”

 

\-----------------------------

 

The slight breeze dancing over the washing machine’s platform caused Jasper to shiver, albeit her sweater was buffering the majority of the wind’s chill. Perhaps it was because of the sea’s salty gales; while Jasper couldn't smell it, she could taste the faint flavor of the ocean in her mouth. It didn't taste very good.

She tried not to think of what the ocean’s taste reminded her of. Rather, with every ounce of concentration she could force, she diverted her attention onto separating the fabric colors of the basket’s contents, knowing well that Steven’s red shirts can tinge her lighter sweaters and sweatpants. She's already made the mistake several times before, and while Jasper herself is quite fond of the pink hues, Pearl says it's quite distasteful to wear discolored clothing. Maybe it's the Beta in her that favors the off-coloration, but Jasper finds them uplifting.

Sometimes she's thankful that Steven doesn't seem to wear blue at all. A sickening coil in her stomach burned at the thought of her comfort clothing being stained bluish. She hated the color blue.

Yet her birth-planet seemed to love it. The sky was a sickening cyan, and the frothy ocean kissing the land was a stark cerulean, growing navy the further out from the sand it goes. Sometimes she gets a bit fidgety when she stares at the ocean or sky for too long-- but, being jumpy isn't a surprising trait to those around her. Stars, it was embarrassing… She’s a Quartz, after all. Why isn't she stronger than this?

With a low breeze, she shivered again, and swallowed hard in her mouth. A tinge of saltiness still tasted her tongue, regardless.

Ignoring the backwash of memories, Jasper began to put in the first load of laundry, and poured a liberal amount of soap over the predominantly red bundle of clothing. With the basket of the remaining clothes under her arm, she slammed the machine door, indirectly wincing at the surprisingly loud metallic clunk it made.

After setting the dial, the machine was ready, and Jasper finalized her efforts with a press of the start button. The spark of usefulness she got from it shouldn’t have been as strong as it was, but Jasper still caught a little pitiful smile on her face to be given this small role of importance. There was even a tint of a blush under her face; Garnet would be proud when she hears how independent and useful Jasper was today, all by herself.

 _Did you think you can actually do better without me…? You're a Quartz soldier!_  
_You're_ worthless _unless someone gives you commands…_

The sour voice in her head sizzled away at the little swarm of comfort she had from her task, and the smile dropped with a bitter tremble on her lips.

“W-why do you _still_ have to take everything away from me…? You’re not here anymore-- I’m not your prisoner!” There was no one to actually hear her words but herself, but Jasper stammered them out anyways. Maybe the wind will carry them away. Maybe they’ll carry them to Lapis. She’ll hear them, and she give some sort of explanation for all the horrid things she did.

But the only reply Jasper got was the chilling roar of the wind. It sounded like laughter, mocking her for repeating Lapis’ words in her head to herself. As if Jasper’s mere acknowledgement of the voice was failure enough.

Shifting the basket to the front of her body, Jasper hugged onto it for comfort before retaliating against her invisible aggressor.

“I didn’t deserve it, Lapis!”

Looking around, off the platform’s edge and towards the ocean, Jasper found no one there to respond. The wind continued its roaring laughter, and although the Quartz received no counter, it still felt like she was losing against her. Lapis always seemed to win, even when she wasn’t here.

A chilling thought settled in the back of her head, and Jasper broke her eyes off the ocean with a whimper at it. What if, maybe… Lapis came back? If Jasper couldn’t even beat her when she wasn’t here, how does she stand a chance if Lapis dared go against Garnet’s word and come back to her?

After all, it wasn’t like there was anything holding her back.

The gravity of the mournful thoughts made the Quartz dizzily sit down with a sloppy drop, collapsing down so fast to her sudden lightheadedness that the contents of the basket in her arms bounced and nearly spilt over the brim.

That thought terrified her. That Lapis might come back. Fifty-six days of her being gone from Jasper’s world, then suddenly crumbling all that progress by simply coming back.

Jasper has no clue where she was; hell, she could be on another planet for all she knew. All she knew was the Crystal Gems cared too much to poof their friend and seal her away in a bubble, for even when they knew she was a monster, it was hard to see past a year’s worth of friendship and memories. If Lapis was already poofed and it was just a matter of putting her gemstone in a bubble, then perhaps they may have managed to do so. But… harming their friend? Hurting her to collapse her physical form? Giving her those final moments of panic where she’ll _know_ she is being locked away again, locked away and forgotten about just like during the war?

Of course they couldn’t do it.

The Crystal Gems had to banish her.

They couldn’t even threaten harm upon her; even if they did, could they have gone through with it? If Lapis showed up right now before Jasper, would the Crystal Gems fight her like an enemy? It’s not like they didn’t want justice for Jasper, they knew what Lapis had done, and have every urge to undo their wrongful assumptions and accusations in the past. But it doesn’t change the fact that for over a year, Lapis was a _friend_.

And during that year, Jasper was the enemy. The abuser. The rapist.

So maybe Jasper should understand the slight disturbance in other’s faces when she told them she wants Lapis back; their first thoughts from every embedded idea they previously had of her told them that she only wanted Lapis back to make her hurt. It took them a double-take and a second of reminding themselves how the real situation was to chase those horrible, misguided thoughts away.

“I-I didn’t… deserve it. I never did. I didn’t deserve what you did to me…” With a headache of memories and thoughts intruding in on her, Jasper regressed back to her little mantra.

Her eyes squeezed shut so that she didn’t see the blue ocean in the distance. She bit her tongue hard so she could taste blood instead of the salty sea. She muttered loud enough that her voice and the gentle rumble of the washing machine muted the mocking wind.

And as she curled up against the Earth machine, clinging her basket of clothing to her heaving chest and muttering her mantra so fast that it indirectly sputtered some of her mouth blood to trickle off the corner of her lip, she still heard that little voice in her head.

“I didn’t d-deserve it… I didn’t deserve it… I didn’t--”

_You fucking deserved it. You’re a worthlessly ruined Quartz and a disgusting little whore._

Jasper’s mantra died on her lips and she hiccup with a start of a sob.

“I-I _loved_ you… I did whatever you wanted… Why couldn’t that be enough…?”

_Don’t pretend like you could make anyone happy._

Jasper dropped her head down with a strangled cry clawing up her throat.

“STOP IT!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!”

Jasper knew she was screaming at nothing more than a voice her mind fabricated, but it still felt like Lapis. While she could close her eyes, bite her tongue, and drown out the howl of the laughing wind, Jasper couldn’t drive out that old, broken record of her memories.

Her own thoughts sounded like Lapis.

And she didn't know how to turn them off.

 

\-----------------------------  
  
\---  
_DAY 3_  
\---

Garnet was ready.

Lapis has been banished for a few days.

The house was cleaned. Sparkling, even.

The couch was embellished with soft blankets and pillows to resemble a poufy bed. The gems have discussed and disclosed the entirety of what Lapis had confessed to Garnet a few days ago. Nearly all the gems were counseled by Garnet on how to properly speak and act around a long-term abuse victim. 

Steven was out for the day with his dad. Peridot was finally done crying after days of sobbing from hearing what Garnet had discovered about Lapis.

Every interest or fancy they could recall Jasper having was accounted for. A few boxes were filled will belongings she can grow to-- books, blankets, triple extra-large sweaters, eyeliner, plush cats…

They were ready. It was finally time to pop Jasper’s bubble.

Lapis had already confessed the majority of her sins before Garnet banished her-- or at least, Garnet hoped she confessed them all. She must have; there's no sin more vile than locking someone away and keeping them as a personal prisoner to use, whether it be by beatings, rape, or straight-out torture. And even if there was actually more to the story, Garnet wasn't going to greet Jasper fresh out of her bubble with an interrogation on the accuracy of Lapis’ assaults.

With a dry swallow in her mouth, Garnet recognized that she was trying to distract herself, and muted the disturbing thoughts. This wasn't about Lapis.

This was about Jasper. It was about apologizing, and showing her that she isn't a prisoner anymore. It was about giving her a place to call home, and letting her learn to be herself again.

The Bubble Room sounded oddly quiet, as if it knew of the gravity of the situation. Garnet took a deep breath, holding on steady to the few blankets she brought down to greet the Quartz with in one hand, while gently cradling Jasper’s blue bubble in the other. Everyone was upstairs; Garnet insisted on doing this alone.

She was finally ready.

As if Jasper would've felt the pain of her bubble being popped, Garnet softly pressed the tip of her index finger in, hesitatingly adding more pressure to pierce the orb. With a sudden puncture, her nail bit through the blue boundary, and an audible pop sounded off. Jasper’s freed gem immediately hovered into the air, with a weary and lackluster levitation as it rose to the proper height to materialize the large Quartz.

It was the least magical regeneration Garnet has ever witnessed. No lovely little glints or sparkles dancing around the gem in excitement to manifesting its light. No graceful expansion of her body when a stream of blinding light lazily organized the Quartz’s shape. No beautiful entrance dropping the newly-reformed gem gracefully onto her feet like a calculated routine. 

Instead, a hesitant amalgamation of light gathered in a disorderly, chaotic way, before a drearily unchanged Jasper (Garnet had to wonder if she couldn't change her appearance from her gem, just as she couldn't change her appearance outside it), flashed in the air before solidifying. In a weak drop, she fell limply onto the floor like a ragdoll, sounding off a rumbling thud to her heavy weight. She didn't try in the slightest to land on her feet, or even catch herself.

There wasn't even a glance Garnet’s way. Jasper gave a jagged turn onto her back, and kept her dead eyes locked lifelessly onto the ceiling as her thighs slightly parted open, just wide enough for a gem around Lapis’ size to comfortably settle between. 

The only indication Garnet had that Jasper was actually even sentient was when her mouth part open softly, with a quiet question barely straining her low voice.

“How many days, Lapis…?”

Mentally, Jasper readied herself to tally another violation of her body. It’s fifty-six now, but she put every ounce of strength she could still fathom into preparing for fifty-seven. Stars, she wasn’t ready. She _never_ is.

But instead of an answer, Jasper was met with silence.

Garnet tried telling herself she heard some sort of emotion behind that voice, even if that emotion was a bad one. She had to convince herself that there is still some trace of Jasper left inside that empty husk that she could save, however small and lost. Watery tears filled all three of her eyes, and Garnet flashed off her visor before responding.

“She's... not here anymore.” A lifeless flicker barely sparked a semblance of interest in Jasper’s eyes upon hearing Garnet. Her lungs felt hollow and empty, but she kept speaking regardless.

“Lapis has been banished for three days now. I-I… I know everything that’s been going on, Jasper…” Garnet drew in a heavy drink of air before finishing, “I’m sorry I didn't believe you... But I’m here now, and she won't hurt you ever _again_.”

As if breaking her out of her routine was something painful, Jasper closed her legs in startle and stuttered of an agonizing whine, weakly dropping her eyes off the ceiling to realize it was Garnet here instead of Lapis.

“Please don't say that…” she groaned out with that painful huff in her voice, knitting her brow in a little plea for Garnet to stop. She didn't know what Garnet was doing down here, but she knew it wasn't over. It was more realistic for her to think this was some sick joke that Garnet was in on than an actual end to everything.

Yet the agonizing huffs of air Jasper was sucking in got cut off when she noticed the blankets in Garnet’s hand, and the tears threatening to dip off her bottom lashes.

Was she being serious…?

A sour, mocking thought constricted Jasper’s throat. This wasn't real. She can't let herself believe it, she can't set herself up to get heartbroken. Any minute now, Lapis will stride out from the other room with a cruel grin, and confess this is all a joke. That she's somehow got Garnet in on this. That Jasper will always be her prisoner.

But Garnet had a feeble tremble on her lip, distraught that her authenticity was being questioned.

“I don’t know how to apologize… I-I _wanted_ to listen, but I ignored you when you needed help. Please, I know I failed you before, but… You never deserved any of this. And if you let me, I’ll like another chance to help you.”

The hollow eyes glazed over with a hint of gold. Jasper blinked, despite her eyes looking quite watery, and Garnet was surprised that no tears trickled down her lashes. Yet, she didn't say anything-- the Quartz’s face was dumbfounded, and her plump lips were agape as if she wished to speak, but couldn't fathom a reply.

To some level, Garnet understood that Jasper wasn't going to fully process this anytime soon, and took initiative by unraveling the fluffy blankets in her hands and offering it out to the Quartz.

“Would you… like some blankets? We have more, upstairs-- Also, we got you some books, and sweaters, and plush animals--” Garnet cut herself off, realizing the Quartz had little knowledge of Earth items, and less of the Crystal Gems’ plan to take her in. “Wait-- I mean, not to imply you have to stay with us, but like… We just got you some stuff, you know, because of all that happened--”

“Thank you.” Jasper’s low voice pierced the air will a tiny swell of gratitude behind her words, meekly sitting up and extending her large hands out to accept Garnet’s comforting gift.

When Garnet set them down into her palms (gently, as if the weight of blankets were enough to fracture Jasper’s thin facade of calmness), she caught a weak shaky smile on Jasper’s face. Garnet couldn't help but feel like the Quartz didn't actually believe Garnet was going to give them to her.

Jasper adopted them like a second skin in a heartbeat. Despite her large body, she took the two blankets and tossed them around her shoulders, letting a wide gap expose the front of her body since the covers were too small to fully wrap around her torso.

For a few moments, they both were silent. Perhaps it was out of respect. Or maybe, Garnet just wanted to give her the first calm moments outside her bubble in over a year. Either way, she watched the massive Quartz struggle to hide as much of her body as possible behind the blankets, as she leaned into herself with a trembling sigh.

“Is she really gone…?”

Jasper’s whisper barely broke the veil of silence, being so soft that it seemed like she didn't even intend on Garnet hearing her.

“She was banished. We didn't want to…” Garnet sucked in a stressed breath, and ignored that little desperate glance Jasper gave her from her huddled position. “--We didn't want to hurt her. But if she tries coming back, then I won’t hesitate to poof her myself.”

The vengeful betrayal under Garnet’s tone nearly masked her hurt over her former friend, and Jasper’s head shot up with a dreaded panic shrinking her pupils to pinpoints.

“I-I’m never going to see her again!?” Her voice broke, as if Garnet had given her bad news. Jasper cupped a hand over her mouth. “I’m… I’m _alone_ …?”

A void collapse inside of her chest, but it was hard to tell if it was from a good feeling or bad. It just felt… heavy. Like something huge was happening right now, but Jasper was still stuck on figuring out if what was happening was even something she wanted. The edge of her panic and anxiety was already tremendously dulled from knowing Lapis wasn't around, which by itself was quite relieving. Yet somehow, another part of Jasper ached in a way that somehow felt worse than her usual anxiety. Would Lapis move on? Would she even spare a second of thought over Jasper? Would she just… forget about her?

It hurt. The idea that she meant so little to Lapis that she could walk away and never have another thought about Jasper again.

Jasper wanted to be hers. Not in any way as she was, however; her prisoner, her punching-bag, her little escape from reality that she could vent her pain upon… Jasper never wanted to be any of that. She wanted to be _hers_. She craved Lapis’ love so much that even when the water gem feigned it just to hurt her, Jasper only seemed to want her real love more. Every tender touch, fake or not, gave Jasper a reason to think how it would feel if Lapis actually cared for her. Every time Lapis said her name, even when threatening the most hateful acts upon her, made Jasper wished she heard it with a endearing smile. 

Jasper wanted so desperately to mean _something_ to Lapis.

So it ran a harrowing chill under her skin that Jasper could just disappear from Lapis’ life, and she wouldn't spare a moment pining over any memory they shared together. It wasn't fair. Lapis got to walk away, and move on from this all. But Jasper never will.

She didn't realize the tears had been rolling down her cheek and off her jawline until Garnet crouched down and tenderly wiped one away. The soft, fragile brush made Jasper blink twice, and refocus on the kind, sorrowful features of the gem before her.

“You were more alone with her than without. She's nothing you should miss,” Garnet’s voice was fragile, and although the words were meant to be a comfort, Jasper didn't feel very comforted. She shivered against Garnet’s hands.

“No... You don't understand…”

With dropped eyes fixed onto the floor, she tried not to look as pathetic as she felt. Garnet didn’t seem to mind the lack of eye contact, and stayed silent to let Jasper gather her voice to speak.

“I-I… I love her, Garnet…”

As if the words were venom, Garnet stumbled with a step back, wide-eyed with a wash of terror decorating her features. Ashamed of her feelings herself, Jasper whimpered in self-remorse, and gave her eyes a bitter squeeze shut. 

“No, no you don’t-- Jasper, she _hurt_ you! She locked you away, she lied to everyone… Stars, she _raped_ you!!--”

“I-I know that,” Jasper barely broke in with a strained throat. “I never _wanted_ to love her, Garnet. You think I wanted any of this!?”

As if realizing her slight outspokenness, the Quartz made a stuttering gasp and shot her head up at Garnet with pleading eyes, already regretting her mild attitude. But the face Garnet worn was one of realization to Jasper’s words, instead of rage. It was hard to accept that the Garnet’s hand didn’t come right up and slapped across the Quartz’s face for her tone with her, and it honestly made the situation feel a bit unnerving and unpredictable. Jasper was used to being hit for any words that weren’t submissive, so the acclimation to a harmless social interaction was not one she could easily make.

“I’m s-sorry--”

“No, you're right, I shouldn’t have said that… Feelings are hard to change with someone, especially after fusion…” Fumbling with her palm gems for a moment, Garnet found her hands interlacing their fingers. Ruby and Sapphire were aching at the reminder that love isn’t always lovely, and it made Garnet’s mind waver a tad out of sync, losing her singular composure with the lack of mental stability washing over her. Jasper noticed Garnet’s light slightly begin to falter, and before she had a moment to panic over it, Garnet remembered what this was about and refocused herself. 

This wasn’t about love. She can’t think for a moment that what happened between Lapis and Jasper had _anything_ to do with love.

“Garnet…?” The slight discomfort under Jasper’s tone was all it took for Garnet to fall back into sync, and let go of her hands in favor for grabbing the Quartz’s. Although Jasper’s hand was much larger than hers, she held it with a protective grip, firm in between Sapphire’s and Ruby’s gems.

“I’m fine. I know this all must be harder for you than for me.” Although Garnet caught a taste of air in her lungs before easing up, she noticed Jasper didn’t take the opportunity to speak. The Quartz merely offered her acknowledgement through a solemn nod, keeping her eyes on the comforting yet firm grip Garnet had on her hand.

“Do you... want to get out of here? I think that would both do us some good.” Garnet’s words finally broke Jasper’s gaze off of their hands, and she looked up rather blankly. Almost as if it took her a moment to process that there was a world outside of the Bubble Room. 

It made a harrowing anchor sink in Garnet’s chest that this bitter place became her world for so long.

When Jasper finally nodded in agreement, Garnet chose to ignore the nervous knit on her brow in favor for helping the Quartz stand with a supportive tug up on her forearm, to which Jasper slowly follow with a lackluster stand.

“Everyone is in the house waiting for you, they’re all quite excited to see you again.” Even though Garnet knew she was stretching the truth, it was worth it for the little smile Jasper returned. She could tell it made Jasper uncomfortable when other didn’t think fondly of her.

Maybe one day Jasper will stop determining her self-worth from others’ opinion. But that was a problem for another day; for now, Garnet just wanted to get her out of the Temple in one piece.

With a gentle lead, Garnet establish a steady hold onto the Quartz’s large wrist, and tugged slightly to guide her to the exit. Surprising enough, Jasper resisted the tug and made a low, uncomfortable noise in the back of her throat, pulling her wrist out of Garnet’s grip. Garnet tried not to look slightly disheartened as she watched the Quartz meekly rub her wrist with her other hand, before getting hit with a horrible realization. 

She probably shouldn’t have grabbed her there.

Chasing off that disturbing thought, Garnet sighed and reached out for Jasper again, nice and slow so that the Quartz wouldn’t be startled by the movement towards her. This time, she settled a single hand behind Jasper’s arm, resting softly on the curve of her forearm’s muscle.

The skin beneath her hand felt a lot less tense, and Jasper noticeably eased up. Garnet gave her a soft smile before the muddled Quartz could unnecessarily apologize for recoiling, and went straight to a gentle lead once more. This time around, Jasper obliged and followed.

They must’ve kept everyone waiting longer than expected, because when Garnet opened the Temple door, Amethyst was lounging on the blanket-filled couch, Pearl was leaning against the wall in boredom, and Peridot was sitting down on the floor, clinging onto one of her and Amethyst's little grey cats. Garnet always had trouble telling the cats apart, but she was sure Peridot must be holding Joy; she seemed to be the green gem’s favorite.

Jasper didn't know what to really expect upon her arrival. Surely not smiles, or even beaming welcome backs.

All she knew is that she didn't expect a few moments of dead silence, only to be broken by Peridot weakly releasing the cat, and stumbling over with teary eyes to cling onto Jasper’s leg in an apologetic hug.

And to everyone’s surprise, Peridot sobbed against her, keeping the embrace on the Quartz’s leg despite everyone know well that Peridot wasn't a gem who was fond of physical contact. Jasper made her own shaking cry, but out of the memories of isolation and shame instead of reunion. The feeling of being touched burned… especially from the one gem that dismissed her when she reached out for help.

Peridot must've been thinking about it too, but she couldn't even fathom a way to express the abysmal guilt she's carried since that day she took Jasper back to the barn.

“I-I’m _sorry_ , Jasper… I never w-wanted her to hurt you-- I’m… _I’m so sorry!!_ ”

Jasper didn't know that those were Peridot’s first words in over a year. Nor did she even notice the dumbfounded, blank faces on every other gem to Peridot’s broken voice as she sobbed against Jasper’s thigh.

All she knew was that Peridot’s words made her stomach twist in sickening nausea. She didn't want Peridot on her. It felt horrible.

Almost falling back, Jasper stumbled with a step, and defensively jerked her leg out of Peridot’s hold. Her hands felt numb, but they were shaking.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!” The scream was volatile and borderline deranged as Jasper desperately distanced herself from Peridot, wanting so badly to not remember the how cold and emotionless she was when she lead Jasper back to the barn that day. That was the last memory Jasper had of Peridot. That was her final impression she was left with. 

That she was alone. That no one cared enough about her to listen to her cry for help.

What started as sobbing morphed into panting, and Jasper furthered her own disorientation with her choppy hyperventilation.

Before the Quartz could even recoil a few feet back, Garnet had already rushed in to hold around her, noticing from her erratic gait that she was bound to fall with how dazed she was.

“Shh, it's alright Jasper, it's just Peridot…” Garnet took to immediately comforting Jasper through her panic, mistaking her jagged breathing and short outburst to be some sort of flashback. One arm was holding Jasper around her back, and the other was soothingly rubbing her upper arm, hoping to trigger some sort of reminder to Jasper that touching wasn't something that should feel bad.

But it wasn't a flashback. While Jasper didn't like being touched, it was specifically Peridot that made her feel so sick.

What little coordination she had left failed her, and the large gem found herself collapsing onto her knees, with Garnet’s hold slowing the drop as she sank down with her. Unaware of Jasper’s heartbroken eyes locked onto Peridot, Garnet continued with her little comforting words as she held the trembling Quartz against her. It was only when she heard Jasper gasp for words did she finally fall silent.

“Y-you _knew_ … you knew what she was doing and you _left me alone.”_

Jasper’s heartbroken accusation turned Garnet’s attention onto Peridot.

Everyone was staring at the small gem. Waiting for her confusion, or her explanation to Jasper’s unexpected words.

They wanted some reassurance that Peridot had been as in the dark to Lapis’ sins as the rest of them.

They wanted her year-long silence to have not been a catalyst for everything Lapis nearly got away with.

They wanted Peridot to be innocent of what Jasper was suggesting she knew.

But her reply only made it worse.

“...I’m _sorry_. I’m so sorry, Jasper…”

 

\-----------------------------

 

The humming rumble of the washing machine was gentle and soft, while still retaining the jagged mechanic reverberation that kept the atmosphere feeling uneasy. Billows of pale silver clouds made the afternoon’s light wan off, supporting the bleak environment that Jasper’s pessimism only furthered. After her one-sided breakdown with the laughing wind, she was left quiet and embarrassed, reduced to curling up her knees to her chest against the stone thumb of the laundry platform as she awaited the machine’s command for her to switch the loads over.

Nestling her chin in the nook of her forearms, she leaned over her knees, and didn't bother brushing back her wild locks when the wind blew them in front her vision. Instead, she wore the beige mess of hair over her face like a mask of shame, retrospectively thinking back to her little tantrum and feeling her cheeks burn in a scalding rise of mortification. Garnet always tells her she's been getting better, but it's times like these than just bring back a wash of embarrassment and disgust for herself.

How did she let this happen? How could a powerful, perfect Quartz let a Lapis Lazuli ruin them like this? How was it that, for over a year, Jasper still found herself desperate and needy for Lapis, even though she only ever returned Jasper’s love with vindictive hatred?

As if uncomfortable with her own train of thought, Jasper writhed a bit, giving a slow exhale to keep herself composed. Lapis wasn't worth her love; Garnet’s told her that many times before.

According to Garnet, the first person Jasper owes her love to is herself. And only after that can she spare it for another.

The large Quartz found herself sighing, mainly in exhaustion from how difficult such a simple-sounding concept was.

Garnet always acted like Jasper wasn't even trying to love herself, and purposefully choose to look at herself the same way Lapis had. But Garnet was wrong.

She _wanted_ to love herself.

Jasper wanted to give herself what Lapis never did. She wanted that respect for herself, and that respect for her body.

Lapis had no right to treat her like a toy. Hell, she had no right to go as far as to try and ruin Jasper’s own pleasure with herself by forcing her to climax from her cold, malicious touch. Corrupting the very foundation of Jasper’s comfort with her own body.

Which had worked, sadly. Jasper can't even think about climaxing without an involuntary cringe over her and a curl of disgust in her gut, reminding the Quartz of how that bodily joy wasn't one that was pleasurable to her anymore.

Even though she desperately wanted it to be.

A little thought crept in the back of her mind, and Jasper softly bit her lip in discomfort to it. Maybe, perhaps she can have that pleasure again. Her hands were much bigger than Lapis’, so it would make sense if she could put them on her body and know it's not that smaller gem.

Jasper gave a dry swallow. The idea made her uncomfortable.

But she wanted to try. She wanted to feel good, if only from a momentary climax.

At first, Jasper thought she ought to just force herself to spread her legs and mindlessly rub her clit until she got there, but it only took Jasper a second to remember that if she did this as emotionlessly as Lapis had, then her orgasm would feel just as forced and hollow. But Jasper wasn't going to masturbate for the sake of coming; she wanted to remember how intimate and pleasurable she could be with herself.

So for the time being, she let herself keep her thighs close. She wasn't going to force herself to open them until her body wants it.

With a jagged sigh, Jasper leaned back against the large stone thumb of the hand-shaped platform the Earth cleaning machines were kept atop of, and slipped a hand under the hem of her large sweatshirt. Thanks to her distaste for bras, she had no hinders sailing up her torso until her hand met the mound of one of her large breasts, stopping at the base with another hesitant sigh.

Lapis hardly touched her chest, but it was hard to close her eyes without seeing the few times she did flash in her mind.

With a little whine, the Quartz muted the thoughts by pressing the palm of her large hand into her soft breast, focusing on how the size was too different from Lapis’ hand for the feeling to be from her.

The warmth of her hand as she softly gripped her breast covered more area than the water gem’s ever could. It was a Quartz-sized hand, after all.

Jasper found herself biting her lip again to another sudden thought, but this time it was from more intrigue than discomfort. She's fucked other Quartzes before, so how hard would it be to think about them instead of Lapis…?

There was once a Carnelian that Jasper slept with that was quite fond of her breasts, so much that she kept most of their foreplay centered around them. That Carnelian’s respect for her was incredible; on nearly every breath during the affair, she called Jasper perfect.

Bringing that other Quartz’s face into her mind, Jasper gave her chest a teasing squeeze, trying hard to follow along the memories of their time together.

She remembered that deep, low chuckle that Carnelian gave when she massaged Jasper’s breast by kneading her palm in a circular pattern, and with a shuddering sigh Jasper found her own hand repeating that same motion on herself. The soft flesh under her hand felt alight with sensation, and she could barely register her nipple hardening under her palm from the attention.

With all her concentration, she kept that erotic chuckle in her mind, and recalled the crimson glint in that Carnelian’s eyes when she broke her massage with a teasing pinch of Jasper’s hard nipple, soaking in the pleasure of hearing Jasper gasp with a high moan. Commanding her own hand to do the same, Jasper pinched her nipple like that Carnelian had, earning a similar sensation although without the surprise that was in her memory.

When Jasper parted her plump lips, she found it was a shallow whimper that escaped them, rather than the lustful moan she gave that Carnelian long ago. Taken a little out of the moment, she shut her mouth and swallow again, before regressing back to the circular kneading to bring the vividness back to the memory.

Although less intense, she worked herself back into the motion, but this time when she pinched her harden nipple and summoned the memory of that Carnelian’s enraptured scarlet eyes, Jasper was met with the image of piercing navy irises instead.

With a panicked gasp, she shivered violently and pulled her hand off herself in shock to finding Lapis in her mind instead of the other Quartz. Jasper whimpered in frustration, violently gripping onto her breast again in retaliation to the thought of Lapis.

It wasn’t that small, heartless gem touching her. It was that beautiful Carnelian, that spent the whole day gushing her admiration for Jasper’s perfection just to catch her attention. That Carnelian that would’ve dropped to her knees and kiss the sole of Jasper’s foot if that would've gotten her to moan for her.

It wasn't like Jasper hadn't touched herself to the memory of her before. That Carnelian was arguably one of the more spectacular fucks Jasper has had in her lifetime, and more than once she’s gotten herself soaked in the past just by remembering that experience by herself. It never failed to get her wet by mimicking the infatuation that Carnelian had for her breasts, and recall the lascivious gleam in those crimson eyes when the Carnelian fondled her against the wall. She had gotten Jasper so worked up that she only had to finger her for a few minutes before Jasper was coming with a indecently loud moan, collapsing against the other Quartz when she finished and tasting the Carnelian’s arousal from how thickly it laced the air. Hell, if Jasper had a nose, she had no doubt it would've been one of her favorite smells. It certainly was on the list of her favorite tastes, after all.

Falling back into those lustful memories again, Jasper found herself neediy massaging her breast once more, desperate to replicate the pleasure she remembered so fondly. But even though she could keep the motion fluid and pinch her nipple with the Carnelian in mind, it still didn't feel right. She still felt Lapis’ piercing eyes.

Jasper couldn't even feel any lust coil in her abdomen, or desire spread between her legs. Even though the memory of the Carnelian was pleasurable and erotic, Jasper couldn't get her body to reach any state of arousal.

It was awful. It felt like her body was broken.

When her lower lip began to tremble in heartbreak, Jasper bit it harshly to try and steady herself.

She _has_ to get herself there. Jasper wanted so desperately to be into this.

There was one more sigh when Jasper slide her hand off her chest and down to the hem of her sweatpants. This was her body. Lapis doesn't get to ruin this for her.

She tried thinking it was the Carnelian’s hands again.

With a few hesitant moments, she played with her sweatpants’ waistband, still trying to picture those crimson eyes but only finding sharp navy in their place. Jasper whimpered, but slipped her hand under her waistband nonetheless.

When Jasper’s hand slid beneath her panties, her plump lips parted once more, with Jasper forcing herself to make the closest moan possible to the one she gave that Carnelian long ago. She didn't care about making it authentic.

“Aaahhh--!!” Her deep voice barely managed to hit the same pitch that she did in her memories, and the lack of enthusiasm in her own moan emphasized the fakeness of the gesture.

Shutting her mouth in distaste to the noise, Jasper continued on. The trembling hand traveled lower, all the way until it was at the top of her vulva. Taking in a draw of air for encouragement, Jasper gave a slight spread of her legs as she hesitantly ran her hand down her outer lips. Reaching the bottom, Jasper reluctantly gave the softest press she could to slot a single finger between her inner folds and see how wet she was able to get herself from thinking of that Carnelian.

Her hand sharply yanked out of her pants when she felt that she was bone dry. Thighs pressing together in remorse, Jasper let out a pained cry. Even her most passionate memories were meaningless to her body.

That Carnelian was beautiful. Not only that, but she was absolutely enthralled by Jasper’s body and strength. It was never love, nor anything akin to those feelings; Jasper knew their time together was purely a passionate affair of lust and heated pleasure. But at least that Carnelian respected her, regardless of all her lascivious desires. And Jasper loved that feeling of respect, and remembered how her chest swell with pride every time that other Quartz call her perfect.

It never mattered that she never believed it herself. Another gem thinking she was perfect was good enough for her; Jasper knew she was just some dirty Earth Quartz, but she thought as long as other gems kept saying she was perfect, then at least she was better than that. Better than her origins.

But now, here she was. The furthest thing from perfection that a Quartz could be.

Her mind was broken. Hell, even her body was broken. The cogs and workings of her gem was cluttered and jammed, reserving most of her gem energy to react towards survival. Unless pain was involved, Jasper’s mind and body wasn't going to comply. All she wanted was to not feel broken and defective, but she still seemed to fail at the most natural bodily functions.

Even if it was as simple as trying to get herself wet.

Regardless of how badly she wanted to have this, her body just… didn't.

Finally, she felt something between her legs, but it was a bitter sting that made her thighs press harshly together in pain. Almost as if her body had to physically remind her that touching there was bad. That Jasper ought to keep her hands off herself.

It burned so bad. Digging her nails into the slack of her sweatpants and teasing up her body barely lessened the pain.

Jasper couldn't help but think that Carnelian would regret fucking her if she could see her now.

She would call her pathetic if she saw her. She would tell Jasper she didn't know she fucked such a little whore. She would smack her for being worthless, and beat her till she was on the floor. She would shift a tentacle, even while knowing Jasper doesn't like them on her partners, and fuck her dry. She would ravish every scream Jasper makes. She would remind Jasper she's nothing. She would make Jasper wince every time she heard the name ‘Carnelian’.

Alone and pulling her legs up to her chest, the Quartz heaved out a sob at the memories of their time together.

Because now, Jasper couldn't even remember that Carnelian’s crimson eyes without seeing piercing navy.

...It was Lapis in all those memories now.

 

\-----------------------------  
  
\---  
_DAY 48_  
\---

Paper-back books never lasted long in her hands. It was hard for others to pretend not to notice Jasper’s embarrassment whenever she accidentally rips a book by its spine or tears a fracturing split through a page from trying to handle it in her large, clumsy hands. In the entirety of her lifetime, she’s never been trained to have a gentle touch with her thick fingers; Jasper’s broad body was meant to play a savage offense role in battle, with her almighty hands built for tearing her opponents apart. Homeworld would laugh if they knew she was using her powerful Quartz fingers to leaf delicately through a book.

A soft tear sounded off Jasper’s clumsiness, accidentally freeing a small page out from the paperback book she's barely started reading. Rather than break out in tears, she gathered the small ounce of dignity she’s been trying to stir within herself, and bit her lip to keep Garnet from hearing her sorrow from the kitchen. Shifting uncomfortably in the mountain of blankets billowing around her on the couch, she tried angling herself in a way that would allow her to stuff the torn page behind her, in hopes that Garnet won’t notice her pitiful failure. However, just as she began to crumple the soft page in her large palm and tremble from a racing sensation under her skin that kept her anxious over the idea of someone noticing, the sofa sounded out a jarring creak to Jasper’s heavy weight shifting on it.

Garnet looked over from the kitchen from where she was pouring food into the cat’s food bowls, with such a lurking concern in her expression that it broke through her mask of calmness. It seemed like she was always worrying over the Quartz, and it made Jasper that much more embarrassed and ashamed over her own incompetence. Garnet made her feel like she should be better than this. 

The bright rouge blush painting Jasper’s face in shame only brought more concern to Garnet’s expression, turning her attention to the faint egg-shell colored paper peeking through the edges of Jasper’s balled up fist.

A sympathetic arch of her brow barely crowned over the top of her vision when Garnet tossed her regard to Jasper.

“You tore another one? Ah, don’t fret over it, it’s just a book-- Jasper…?” Garnet’s relatively calm tone raised to an overly concerned one when she noticed Jasper’s golden eyes begin to water at her acknowledgment to the torn paper. The Quartz gets overly sensitive over the simplest of things, however, so it was no surprise to Garnet when she ended up having to stroll over to the Quartz with a deep sigh on her lips, prepared to console her through one of her episodes. She’s been doing this for about two months now, so there was no shock to this outcome over a book.

That was, until Jasper responded.

“No-- I’m _fine_! Keep doing whatever you're doing, I-I don’t need you.”

Harshly, as if to prove her independence, the Quartz twisted her body to the side on the couch, dropping the book into the sea of sheets around her so that she could fold her arms over her chest in an uninviting way.

Nevertheless, Garnet broke out a nervous smile, clashed with partial amusement and partial concern, as she outreached a hand to rest over the Quartz’s shoulder.

“Don't start acting cold with me now, Jasper. It's okay if you get upset over little things--”

“No it's _not_! It's a stupid book, I shouldn't cry!!” In a little fit, she violently tossed the crumpled piece of paper, of which fluttered down and landed anticlimactically onto the floor. It didn't feel like a satisfying release of her frustration, so Jasper hissed with a thinning veiled sob in her throat, and tried to squirm away from Garnet as she forcefully caught Jasper in her arms.

“Shh, you don't have to rush yourself to feel better. Don't fight it.” Although taken aback by Jasper fighting against her comfort, Garnet still held her tight in her arms, finding a spark of reassurance from how adamant Jasper was on trying to twist and squirm out of it. If it weren't for seeing how blank and unresponsive Jasper use to be, Garnet would've never been happy to see the large Quartz fight against her embrace like a cat trying to break out of its owner’s arms. 

She could tell Jasper wasn't bothering to use her full strength to push away. Garnet knew she wanted the comfort, but also wanted the illusion of independence and composure. It kindled a furnace of prospect in Garnet; Jasper use to trade every ounce of self-dignity or pride just for a smidgen of comfort from anyone willing to offer her it, so seeing the Quartz try to feign her composure so fervently reminded Garnet more of the old Jasper she use to know.

“Stop coddling me! Stop acting like it's fine for me to be like this!!” What started as squirms grew energetic, almost into feeble thrashes, but the grip Garnet had around her was unwavering.

“You’re right; it's not fine for you to be like this. That's _why_ I coddle you.” Teasingly, as if she was more amused with Jasper’s desperate upsurge for dignity than worried, Garnet softly nuzzled her cheek against the crown of Jasper's head. Her attempts to bring the atmosphere down to a jesting mood was challenged with a low growl, and the Quartz quivered against her.

“We were enemies. You’ve bested me in battle. And now, you hold me against you and comfort my pain away. It’s not _right--_ ”

“Not right…? Jasper, what happened to you wasn’t right. And while it’s nice that you’re getting some of that Quartz fire back in you, that doesn’t mean you can’t have someone to lean on.” Despite the squirminess and Jasper’s overall difficultness, Garnet pressed the large Quartz hard against her body, making sure that it was just light enough for Jasper to break out of if she truly wanted to. But from how feeble her resistance was, it was obvious that the Quartz would rather stay in her arms.

Swallowing hard, Jasper gritted her teeth down brutally on her plump bottom lip to preserve the thin facade of strength she was trying to portray, keeping down the quiver in her voice by masking it with a standoffish flare.

“No one but you acts this way with me. You could’ve ignored me; I tear pages all the time!”

Just barely, and unintentionally undermining Jasper’s fiery attitude about this, Garnet softly chuckled. “You say that, but I know you like my comfort.”

As if to prove her point, Garnet gave a soft squeeze in her hold around Jasper, bringing light to the Quartz that she had stop struggling against her. Finding embarrassment in that truth, Jasper found her cheeks burning in bitter frustration that Garnet could see straight through her defensive walls. 

“You don’t know that. You may have had me wrapped around your finger while I was broken down, but I don’t _need_ you.” Although those distancing words hurt to use against the sole gem who treated her like her own person, Jasper still found herself saying them, using each word like a brick rebuilding the wall around her. Just like the wall she used to have around everyone, so that she could keep her self-hatred inside and keep her facade of cockiness out. But Garnet broke through it every time Jasper tried to resurrect it.

“Is that what you’re afraid of? That you’ll need me…?” That lace of amusement in her voice waned off into stark seriousness, and Garnet barely uttered her next words. “Or are you worried that I’ll hurt you if you trust me like you trusted Lapis…?”

Firmly, Jasper thrashed, but this time with real conviction to break out of Garnet’s embrace. It shocked her enough to make her gasp at the Quartz for having that much determination to reject the comfort.

“I didn’t trust her!! I _never_ trusted her!!!” Lashing out, Jasper pushed through some of the sheets to gain a few feet away from Garnet on the couch, with the spot she had previously occupied being filled in by the approaching gem. 

“But you loved her! Even if it wasn’t exactly trust, she was able to hurt you because you _loved_ her--!!” As if her own words put the puzzle pieces together, Garnet stuttered to a stop when a disturbing thought came over her.

Jasper heard an audible gasp, and curled up with her back to Garnet. She didn’t want Garnet to see her face. She didn’t want Garnet knowing how close she was to crying.

“Are you… worried that I’ll hurt you because…”

“--No, stop it--” 

“Jasper. No, you tell me right now if you…” Garnet’s words choked, unable to speak when the Quartz leaned over with a shivering whine. 

It was too disturbing. She didn’t mean for this. Garnet never wanted this to happen, she only meant to help Jasper heal…

When the Quartz finally spoke up, her voice made Garnet feel sick.

“I-I had to learn to stop loving her. So I thought, it might be easier, if I-I just--”

“Love _me_ instead!?!”

Jasper flinched at her tone.

“You were the only one who told me I didn’t deserve it…” Her pitiful whisper dissolved any false confidence she was trying to feign. It’s not that she purposefully wanted to love Garnet. In the end, Jasper just found that her feelings for Lapis were hard to break, so putting them on Garnet was easier to cope with. And that recycled love wasn’t something Jasper ever meant to act on, she just hoped it was a step closer to letting go of Lapis. 

“What did you think was going to happen!? You need to tell me that right now, Jasper.”

The gentleness in Garnet’s voice was fading off, and Jasper sucked in a heavy breath at the change of atmosphere. The vague silhouette of love she tried projecting on Garnet never meant anything; it was self-defense. It was far more than obvious that Garnet was already romantically taken, being the embodiment of Ruby’s and Sapphire’s own relationship. Unlike Lapis, Jasper never hoped to be something to her. But for two months, she was the first kindness she’s had in over a year.

How else was she supposed to react?

“I-I just wanted a reason to stop loving _her_. It’s just… Easier to love someone else than to love yourself.”

A hand seized Jasper by her shoulder, making her yelp as she was forcibly turned to face Garnet.

“That didn't answer my question. When you realized you felt that way, what did you think was going to happen!?”

Those golden eyes were wide with unintentional fear, frantically searching Garnet’s face for rage, or any hint of cruelty that would suggest Garnet would treat her in any way close to how Lapis did when she found out Jasper loved her. But her visor kept Jasper from reading her, and the Quartz ended up breaking her eyes off Garnet to drop her head down with a shallow sob.

“Y-you seemed like you _cared_ about m-me… I-I just… I wanted…” 

The grip on her shoulder softened. Jasper looked up, weakly, as if her meekness would save her from whatever anger she expected Garnet to hold against her. But when she finally managed to bring her watery golden eyes to Garnet, she found her visor removed with a zip of light, allowing her sorrowful, concerned eyes to meet Jasper’s. 

She wasn't angry. 

And that was more than Lapis had ever given to her.

Whether it was a sliver of her past self’s boldness or surge of her current self’s desperation, Jasper leaned in. Without thinking, her eyes squeezed shut, and she messily pressed her plump lips onto Garnet’s.

Under the soft nook of her upper lip, the Quartz barely registered that Garnet had accepted the gesture, and ever-so-slightly pursed her lips back. That faint brush Jasper could feel made her chest swell with warmth, and her head began to feel dizzy and dazed. But not in a bad way.  


Yet while she mustered enough boldness to initiate this, the fact she wasn't immediately pushed off or slapped across her cheek made Jasper’s bottom lip feebly tremble against Garnet’s, and she felt herself grow weak. Feeling that little quiver, Garnet moved her hand behind Jasper’s neck right beneath her hairline, holding her secure to keep the large Quartz from falling apart against her lips right then and there. Garnet wanted her have this.

But the longer Jasper realized she wasn't being denied, the more she lost her composure, with her head racing with too many thoughts. Could she touch her? Would Garnet break this off if Jasper put her hand behind her back? Did Garnet hear that shy whimper she just made, or did she think it was a moan?

Gracefully, so much so that it felt natural, Garnet slipped out of the kiss with a breathless huff, still holding Jasper behind her neck and keeping all three of her eyes locked on her.

“You're shaking.”

As if awaken from a deep sleep, Jasper’s drowsy-looking eyes peeked through a cover of her lashes, returning a heavy-lidded glance as if she would've rather kept her eyes close.

“She… She never kissed me. Not once.”

Returning Jasper’s raspy words with a slight cock of her head, Garnet looked at her with glint in her eyes that appeared more analytical than allured.

“Did that make you feel better?”

Jasper's lidded gaze fluttered with a few startled blinks, before knitting her brow in clash of confusion and afterglow.

“What? You mean… You let me have that just to comfort me…?” With an audible swallow, Jasper felt a scorching blush alight under every inch of skin on her face, and in her embarrassment, she pushed back to make Garnet’s hand drop of her nape.

“I-I’m sorry Jasper, I don't really feel that way with you… But, if it made _you_ feel better, then--”

“You can't just _pretend_ to make me feel better!!” Jasper cut in, pulling her arms back to fold them over herself defensively. That warm swell in her chest turned hot, sweltering like it was going to burn her insides and sear a hole straight through her. That kiss meant nothing if Garnet only did it to make her feel better.

“No, no-- I didn't mean to offend you, I just… I _really_ want you to have something like that, but you just can't have that with _me_. You deserve to be happy...”

The Quartz lost her composure with a broken-up sob, feeling as if she was betrayed once more. As if this was just like Lapis saying ‘I love you’ to her to watch her scream and cry at how it made her feel. How it felt to have the object of her love pretend like it didn't feel like a punch in the gut every time they faked their feelings for Jasper. Whether it was as blatant as Lapis’ taunting or as convincing as Garnet’s kiss, they all felt like a merciless crush of Jasper's tenderest feelings. Her throat felt so dry and constricted that Jasper was surprised when her unfiltered words barely made it past her lips.

“Garnet, s-she’s never kissed me-- Lapis never made m-me feel like _that_ before… and you're telling me that meant _nothing_ to you…?”

Jasper barely heard Garnet’s choppy inhale through her shallow, drawn out sobs.

“It meant enough because I thought you wanted that for yourself… Please, I really do care about you, but you can't define yourself by your love for someone else.”

“What else am I define by then, Garnet!? My diamond is shattered, my colony is gone… I’m not a soldier, I’m not Malachite, and I’m not even a _functioning gem_. What I was to Lapis was all I had, and I was _nothing_ to her.”

Despite Garnet consolingly reaching for Jasper, the Quartz recoiled back and pushed against the seat of the couch to distance herself from Garnet, too unnerved to accepted comfort. And if she wasn't going to accept physical comfort, then Garnet was going to have to offer verbal.  


“You are defined by _you_. You’re Jasper. I know who you are, and you're more than what Lapis made you into-- you love cats and soft clothes. You like reading books even when there's too many Earth-words for you to make sense of. You like pretending you're strong and you love when others respect your bodily perfection. And you _…_ you learned early on that Homeworld loved using your perfect body for wars; they said it was the best thing about you. So much so that you thought it defined you.” Garnet took in an uneasy breath, and considered for a moment if she should continue. 

“...And then, you met Lapis. You thought since she's fused with you, she'll care about who you are. She saw parts of you that was beyond the perfect body. But in the end… she only cared about using your body too, didn't she?”

Jasper wanted to meet Garnet’s eyes, but her own were too blurry to see through. Whenever she thought she's blinked off the tears, more came in to fill their place. How could Garnet always get past her walls? 

Her large hands desperately gripped into her lower abdomen, crumpling the looseness of her sweater between her hands as if she needed to hold onto something just so she could keep from trembling.

“M-my body isn't perfect anymore-- She _ruined_ it, i-it’s _broken_ \--” Her thick, shaky fingers dug in deeper to the fabric over her stomach, pressing in to try to claw and grip into the striped skin beneath.

“It was the only thing good about me and she _took that away!!”_

Lurching abruptly, Garnet ambushed Jasper’s hands with her own, capturing the weak trembling palms between her own and yanking the large hands off her stomach with an unbridled certainty.

Each of her three eyes had an acute ember of protectiveness, each too intense that Jasper had to shift her focus down, finding herself staring at Garnet’s full lips just as they parted with the start of a reply.

“I wish you could've met yourself, Jasper. I wish you could walk into the room and feel the presence you bring just by being there…”

Garnet felt those solar-hued eyes drag back up to her own, slow and careful.

“Because that was the _one_ thing that scared me when I saw what Lapis had done to you. Not your body, never your body… But how she drained that body of _you_. I-I never thought I'd ever see your vibrant eyes that empty-- Your body doesn't matter, it was _you_ that was gone!”

Jasper’s eyes flickered, with a dark glint that was terrifying to see in her bright eyes. Almost like an imprint of Lapis left inside of her.

“Gone…? I would've traded every comfort in the world to disappear from my own mind-- But Garnet, you must understand...”

Her hands were shaking; not with hurt, but with conviction.

“Every single time she put her hands on me… Every time she forced herself inside my body…”

Pulling her hands back, Jasper clenched them till her knuckles turned white.

_“...I never got to disappear_.”

 

\-----------------------------

 

Shoving the last load of clothes into the dryer, Jasper gave a pouty slam of the metal door and fumbled with the knob to get the machine to start. It kept a bright blue light on, staring her dead in the eyes, in the meantime. Of course, it was simply the dryer’s cue-light to indicate that it has finished its cycle and was ready for the next load, but Jasper didn't see it that way.

It felt like Lapis’ cold blue eyes watching her, waiting for her to fuck up. The first load already came out fine; after she finishes running her sweaters and sweatpants through the dryer, she’d be done.

Switching the clunky dial over, Jasper finalized with a press of the start button, making that piercing blue light switch off as the machine rumbled with the start of a new drying cycle.

With an exhausted sigh of relief that the hideous light was gone, Jasper dropped both her hands onto the top of the machine to lean over it, catching her breath. She was still a bit shaken up from her sad attempt at touching herself, and while her eyes were finally dry and her throat no longer felt tight, she still couldn't help but feel a little defeated.

Lapis has been gone for months, but she's still somehow won. Fifty-six days, and it's still like she's right here with her.

Jasper groaned, partially at the memories of Lapis and partially at her body’s brokenness. She was never going to get herself to climax; that personal and intimate pleasure was stolen away. Shivering slightly, her legs felt weak with the thought of the climax Lapis had forced her through long ago, and Jasper found herself leaning her body against the dryer with how poorly her hands were keeping herself up.

At her height, the top of the dryer lined up to the same level of her hips, leading to a warm vibration pressing up against her groin area when she leaned over the rumbling machine.

Taken aback by the soft vibration, Jasper jumped, prying her hands off the machine and stumbling back on her still-weak legs.

“F-fuck…” With a brightly flushed face, she squeezed her thighs together in embarrassment to the stir of warmth between her thighs from accidentally pressing against the machine.

But to her surprise, the coil of warmth wasn't followed by a piercing pain. She expected a splitting sensation to strike through her core after accidentally pushing her groin against the gentle vibrations the dryer was making, but when she didn't double over in pain, Jasper lighten up her tensing with a bit of confusion.

Why didn't it hurt? She stopped squeezing her thighs shut, and looked down over herself as if she would find the answer written somewhere over her thighs or hips.

Curiously, her hand ghosted down her stomach and to the inside of her thigh, and suddenly the warmth between her legs melted away into a sharp ache. With a harrowing whine at the sensation, Jasper tore her hand off her body again. Even through the fabric of her clothes, her body didn't like it.

At some subconscious level, her body didn’t want any hands on it, even if it was her own.

Swallowing at the realization, Jasper slowly brought her sad, desperate eyes up to the rumbling dryer again. She knew the dryer was a machine, deprived of any intentions or ability to harm her; it couldn't be anything but a tool to her. Even her body knew that.

Her eyes drifted down to her hips again, and she hesitantly took a few steps towards the dryer. Her body didn't seem to treat it like it was another gem touching her; it knew it was a simple, harmless machine.

Would it be wrong if she used it, just so she could climax…?

The very idea felt embarrassing. Sickening, almost. That she needed help to get her body to orgasm.

But Jasper still found her hands slowly pressing onto the top of the machine, leaning ever so slightly onto it, but keeping her hips inches away from the sweet, soft rumbling.

Overwhelmed merely just by looking at her hips in front of the machine, those desperate golden eyes squeeze shut, and Jasper found her bottom lip trembling. But it wasn't from discomfort.

When she had accidentally pressed up against the machine, it just had felt _so_ _nice._ And Jasper couldn't help but feel a bit pathetic that a machine could make her feel so good.

But at the same time, it wasn't like she was above taking comfort from anywhere she could get it. Jasper had so little to lose.

Taking a deep breath, she accepted whatever embarrassment she'll carry after this. It felt too good; she wanted to have a sweet, pleasurably climax. Even if it was from an Earth machine.

Absentmindedly, she shifted her heavy weight back and forth over her hips, working up the willpower to press herself against the dryer. Taking a few gathering breaths, Jasper shifted to the rounded corner of the vibrating machine, and lined it up in front of herself.

Maybe she could try thinking about something erotic again, just to get her mindset into it.

She tossed out the Carnelian from the back of her mind; the memories of her didn't feel right anymore. And sadly enough, Jasper didn't have many other places to put her thoughts.

The Quartz ended up trying not to think of anyone specific. Just someone who cared about her, someone who wouldn’t hurt her. Jasper was going to focus on that faceless concept.

With a guilty whimper, she pressed and angled the dryer’s rounded corner between her legs, and allowed her mouth to fall agape with an unfiltered moan when the vibration rumbled over her clothed vulva.

It was so painless and sweet. Warming, gentle, and just mindlessly pleasurable. It was way better than fondling herself.

Although her head was cloudy and unclear, she couldn't help but think it was someone else giving her this pleasure, and chose to ignore that she was shamelessly opening up her thighs to slot a lifeless machine between them. The spread she gave allowed the vibrating corner to fit snug between her outer lips to the best of her ability without the removal of her sweatpants, and she gave a desperate whimper as she slowly shifted her heavy hips about, trying to press herself up against it just right.

After a few teasing circles, she finally got the sweet vibration directly under her clit, and her teeth dug into her bottom lip with a shameless groan of delight.

It was the best thing that's been between her legs in a long while.

The warmth stirring in her abdomen was pleasant and needy, rather than achy and painful. Desperate to sate that neediness, Jasper gave a carefully roll of her hips, soaking up the delicious pleasure that rewarded her for doing so.

Pretending it was someone else’s hand made Jasper feel a bit more at ease with the situation, keeping her eyes shut tight as she worked to find a good pacing with her hips. Admittedly, she was a bit more focus on her shameless grinding than on what exactly she was thinking about. Thus, when the rounded corner accidentally pushed up her clitoral hood and slid directly onto her swollen clit, Jasper found an unfiltered thought leaving her mouth when she cried out.

“ _Garnet--_!! Aaaahh…”

As soon as she recognized the inappropriate name on her lips, Jasper shut her mouth hastily with a guilty swallow. It was better than thinking about Lapis, but it surely didn't feel right for Jasper to pleasure herself to the thought of Garnet. After all, Garnet already made her feelings clear: she cared deeply about Jasper, but not in any romantic way.

The blush painting her hot face got darker with mortification, but Jasper couldn't get it out of her mind. The thought of Lapis made her sick, but the thought of Garnet made her feel… nice. Like she was something special.

Jasper guiltily kept Garnet in her mind, even while she knew she probably shouldn’t do so. If anything, at least it could keep the memories of Lapis away while she does this. But even telling herself that, a tiny bit of Jasper knew she personally wanted to keep fantasizing about Garnet touching her, and mentally entertain the idea of Garnet protecting her through this.

It made Jasper feel dirty. Garnet’s been nothing but kind to her, yet she still wanted to keep thinking about her so inappropriately.

But when her hips rolled around just right and she cried out again to the enrapturing jolt of pleasure knotting up between her thighs, the Quartz called out her name again. Regardless of how dirty it made her feel, it felt comforting to cry her name.

“Aa… Aaah!! G-Garnet… mmn…” Picturing Garnet’s gentle, loving hand cupping protectively over her made Jasper rock her hips with enthusiasm, imagining the hard corner of the dryer as one of Garnet’s gemstone to bring vividness to her fantasy.

The warmth between her thighs tingled up her abdomen, all the way to behind her navel, filling Jasper up with unhindered pleasure. The more she kept thinking about Garnet, the safer she felt.

Jasper could feel how wet she was getting. She already soaked through the front of her panties, and she could feel the damp fabric cling to her folds as she worked her hips around.

“Garnet, _please_ … P-please…” Begging as if she was actually there, Jasper needily picked up her speed, shamelessly rocking her hips hard on the vibrations. Her heavy weight made the dryer creak with every thrust, but Jasper was too caught up on her rise to care.

“Aah--! Aahh!! Aaahhh!!!” Her little cries nearly matched the volume of the dryer’s creaks, drawing out longer and longer each time. It was divine, and Jasper couldn’t stop thinking of Garnet’s loving hand rubbing around on her, trying to make the Quartz feel good.

So warm. So gentle. Jasper loved how safe it made her feel. Garnet is the only one she could imagine feeling comfortable with in this vulnerable state, desperately worked up and entrusting that protective hand to hold over her and keep her safe through her climax. Assuring Jasper that it wasn't Lapis touching her. Reminding her that she was being held by someone who loves her.

A trickle of drool rolled over the curve of her bottom lip, but Jasper couldn't care less. Her mouth stayed agape, moaning loudly as she lost herself in her hopeless fantasies of Garnet touching her, letting her hips grind harder and harder without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable.

She only felt joy. Warmth coiling in her gut, pleasure rattling her nerves. Her skin was alight with sensation. Her sweatpants were soaked with her wetness.

“Nuhhh… Garnet, mnn… _Garnet_ …”

The edge of something familiar approached. Something delightful. Something she thought she would never have again.

There was no more tempo or pacing; Jasper rolled her hips any which way it took to keep those vibrations on her, letting it sweep her up in a sloppy haze of desperation. She was so close.

The coil inside her was tight and about to burst.

“Aahhh, Garnet!! _AAAH--_ ” Suddenly, Jasper’s grinding abruptly halted when a loud beep sounded off, nearly making her fall over in surprise. The rumbling machine turned still, and the large Quartz panted in confusion as she felt the horizon of her climax quickly fade away. Right when she thought she was going to get to orgasm, it disappeared.

Weakly opening her needy, unsated eyes, Jasper looked up at the machine to see why it had stopped.

The piercing blue light stared back at her, cueing that the dryer’s cycle was over.

Lapis.

She took it away.

The Quartz knew it was just a harmless cue light on a Earth cleaning machine, but suddenly it was indistinguishable from Lapis Lazuli. It was nothing but a reminder of everything that small, cruel gem has ever done to her.

The closest thing Jasper has had to bodily pleasure in over a year, and Lapis took it.

Just like she took everything away.

A sharp, splitting pain seized the Quartz, draining her body of any arousal it had a moment ago. Stumble back away from the dryer, her legs tightly pressed together, and Jasper whined as she defensively held her abdomen to cradle the searing pain.

It felt like Lapis punishing her for trying to feel good. It was like being reminded that she didn't deserve happiness.

“G-Garnet…” With heartbroken desperation rather than her previous lust, Jasper sobbed out her protector’s name, hoping that some sort of comfort will save her. But nothing stop the tearing pain ripping up inside her; it felt as vivid as Lapis shoving her entire member inside her slit, merciless and dry. Nothing was there between her legs, and Jasper was even wet from her little session with the dryer, but it didn't stop that painful sensation of her insides ripping open.

“Garnet… Garnet _please_ …” Jasper fell to her knees, deliriously clenching her abdomen and hopelessly calling out Garnet’s name, sobbing for any kind of comfort. Pleading for her to be here and make everything okay, begging for the fusion to comfort her through the painful flashbacks. Her cries grew unintelligible, loud and strained for anything to make her feel less alone. Jasper felt hot tears roll over her cheeks, digging her fingers into her stomach and feebly sobbing Garnet’s name over and over.

But Garnet wasn't here.

Only that piercing blue light was here. Every time Jasper look up at it, she saw Lapis’ blue eyes stare back.

Her cries were falling apart by the minute. Nobody was here to comfort her. Unable to even hold herself up with every spasm of pain splintering up into her, the trembling Quartz collapsed onto her side, whining as she moved into her oldest comfort position.

Curling up fetally on the ground, just like she did every time Lapis was done using her, Jasper’s voice morphed from cries of help into cries of mercy.

“Stop… please, just please stop… I'm _s-sorry_ … I-I won't do it _again_ …”

Just faintly, Jasper thought she felt something hot seep down the inside of her thighs. She couldn't even think for a second that it was her own wetness from moments ago; if felt like Lapis’ come leaking out of her, just like every other time she was in this position. Just like every time she cradled her abdomen and pulled her knees to her chest to comfort herself after Lapis fucked her raw.

Jasper’s sobs carried a different name this time. The only name that controlled whether or not she got released from her agony. The only name that could make this go away.

“Lapis, _please_ … I-I’m nothing, I’m _worthless_ … I’m so _sorry_ , just p-please make it stop _… It hurts too much!!_ ”

It was just like every other time she begged Lapis for mercy.

Because just like all the others pleas, this one was ignored too. Garnet wasn't here. Nobody was going to take the pain away.

Jasper was all alone, with nobody but that piercing blue light.

 

\-----------------------------  
  
\---  
_DAY 0_  
\---

“Lapis… What have you _done…_?”

It felt like fingers digging into a fleshy scab, clawing into the tender skin and ripping it open. The wound of Lapis’ betrayal was only just beginning its path to healing, and already it was torn open all over again. Lapis was lying. Again.

“What? I don’t know what you mean-- Are you okay, Garnet…?” The water gem offered out a timid hand, reaching for the taller gem’s arm as if she meant to reignite the embrace they had a few moments ago.

Garnet’s eyes were still locked on the blue bubble imprisoning Jasper’s gem when she felt the small, cold hand settle on her forearm. 

As if she could feel the very sins those hands have done, Garnet stammered out an empty gasp, startling back and tearing her arm out of reach from that sordid gem.

“You’re _lying_. You _did_ come here for her-- oh stars, Lapis what did you _do to her!?_ ”

Those shallow, stygian blue eyes stared back at her, blank of any real emotion. Nothing Garnet saw in Lapis was sincere anymore.

“I don't understand, Garnet... I don’t know what you’re talking about--”

“HER BUBBLE IS _BLUE_ , LAPIS!!”

Finally, Garnet lurched forward with a thundering pang of betrayal consuming her, grabbing the front of Lapis’ halter top with a violent grip. Within milliseconds, she was already using the fistful of fabric to yank Lapis within a foot of her.

The lithe gem yelped, voice raised with genuine fear as she was forcefully pulled in. Defensively, a slim hand reached up and gripped Garnet’s wrist, followed by a feeble tug to get the taller gem to release her. Chaotic, authentic horror trickled into her voice when she cried out to the seething gem holding her.

“Let go!! You’re _hurting_ me, please stop--!” 

Viciously, Garnet seized her off the ground with a unbridled force, ignoring the breathless whimper Lapis made as she hung from the slack of her top. Both small hands now raised to grip Garnet’s wrist, desperately, with her back arching slightly just so that she didn’t slip out of her top and pathetically crumble onto the floor.

“ _When_ did you bubble her!?” Although Garnet just barely kept her voice from pouring over in rage, she clung to a scintilla of composure, just to fall back on. In case Lapis had a genuine explanation. In case she saw true sorrow or regret in those navy eyes.

But all Garnet saw in her iris spindles were deception and self-interest, with the only emotion in her reply being panic and concern for herself.

“Please, Garnet!! I-I didn’t do anything, I don’t understand… Please just stop--”

“TELL ME WHEN!!”

The brutal sharp edges in Garnet’s voice pierced through Lapis semblance of deceit, and she felt herself go slightly limp with how numb and paralyzed she was with unhindered fear. Garnet was looking at her like she was a monster.

“I-I… sh-she--...” Half-hearted rambles and incomplete lies shambled a little stream of mumbles on Lapis’ lips, before she fell silent and gave a slow swallow. On some level, no matter what she says, she was going to have to take some damage. Perhaps to her image in Garnet’s eyes, or to her persona of victimhood; something was going to be hit. So she might as well try to seem civil and confess, just to salvage what little grounds she had.

“I… I popped it. I let Jasper out.” Her voice was meek, but she felt Garnet’s grip tighten with a outraged tremble, barely holding back the flood of betrayal Lapis could feel radiate from her. Hastily, she added her half-baked explanation with a pitiful drag in her tone.

“I had to apologize, I had to make things _right…_ You have to understand, Garnet! I-I didn’t hurt her, I wouldn’t dare after what I did!! I just… needed her to know that I’m sorry. I needed to tell her myself, and put this all behind me… Please, Garnet. That was all I meant to do, that’s why her bubble is blue, I didn’t lay a hand on her--”

“You’re _lying_.” Garnet gritted out between clenched teeth, and Lapis returned her heavy, blunt words with a dazed expression, wide-eyed and taken aback that her words were disregarded. 

“Wha-- why are you acting like this…? Why aren’t you _believing_ me!?! You’re my _friend_!!” Lapis kicked the air as she thrashed a bit, feeling herself begin to slip out of the fabric Garnet held her up by. But just as she began her little fit of mock-betrayal, Garnet released her, and Lapis unceremoniously collapsed to the floor. Too shocked to catch herself, she landed on her rear, with her top bunched up almost to her sternum from how close she came to slipping out of it. 

“How’d she poof!?”

Disoriented and gripping the stone floor for stability, Lapis shot up her desperate, confused eyes at Garnet. Any sympathy she could get at this point would be a miracle, because it doesn't seem like Garnet is going to entertain Lapis’ victim games anymore.

“W-what??”

“You said you didn't hurt her, but you were able to bubble her after apologizing. So, how'd she poof?”

As if already falling into the motions of victimhood, Lapis feebly shook her head, denying she'd ever done wrong to the Quartz. Trying to strike some old chords with Garnet, the lithe gem hugged onto the taller gem’s leg, nuzzling into it as some kind of sick mockery of innocence. She wanted Garnet to think she was something that needed protecting, and Lapis knew the routine to look like a pitiful mess. 

“Sh-she scares me _so much_ , Garnet… I-I didn't know what to do… I just wanted to apologize to her--”

Cutting her off, Garnet gave a jagged kick of her leg to knock Lapis to the floor, having to squeeze her eyes shut just so she didn't see the shock in her friend’s face as she fell onto her back and cried out in pain, smacking her sensitive gem against the stone floor.

“Would she say the same if I brought her out…? Would Jasper tell me you apologized?!”

Gasping, in half panic and in half bewilderment, Lapis sharply turned onto her side and pushed up onto her hands, hanging her head low and straining her voice with a seething breath. Her composure was wearing thin.

“Why… would you believe her… over me? Over your _friend_ …? She fucking _hurt_ me and you would take her word?!?”

Scowling in disgust, Garnet knit her brow in disbelief that she had yet to see a hint of genuine concern in Lapis’ eyes for anyone but herself. When she spoke about Jasper, her navy eyes dulled out with a depersonalizing gaze, and Garnet found herself hardly believing that Lapis was actually talking about another gem. She's seen more emotion from someone talking about the dirt under their feet than Lapis talking about the traumatized Quartz.

“Over you…? You _raped_ her!! If I never walked in that day, what were you going to do!? She was screaming for mercy under you, and you _weren't going to stop_!!”

“It’s in the past, I-I’ve said sorry--”

“SORRY?!? If nobody stopped you, would you've said sorry to her when you were done!?!”

“You not listening to me! Jasper, she… I-I…”

“WHY WASN'T SHE EVEN FIGHTING BACK?? SHE WASN'T EVEN TIED DOWN!!”

“She wasn't fighting back because she knew she fucking _DESERVED IT_!!”

Garnet’s mouth was open, but empty of any response. A little crack in her voice stammered, in disbelief, to what she just heard. Like there was no doubt in Lapis’ mind that Jasper deserved to be sobbing underneath her, screaming in pain and heartbreak.

As if the weight of her lies rose from her, Lapis sighed breathlessly, and half-heartedly shrugged off the ground with a lackluster stumble. Her stand was crooked, and sloppy, as if she no longer cared what image she was portraying. Calculating every word and movement to play victim was exhausting, and for once she felt… transparent. Garnet was the only one who knew Lapis wasn't who she seemed to be.

And it felt great.

“You can't honestly mean that…” Garnet’s voice cracked, stained weakly with no smidgen of the anger that was there moments ago.

Lapis swallowed. When she brought her eyes up to Garnet, they seemed clear. Unhindered.

“I do. And you know it's true too.”

A violent chill went up Garnet’s spine, and she unknowingly took a step back. Those words had no deceit laced between them, and it terrified her.

“How could you say that…? So when you popped her bubble again, did you…”

“I didn't apologize. She deserved every second of it.” Her voice was cold, but reinforced. Lapis straightened up, rolling her shoulders a bit with the mild sting still tingling her gem. 

Garnet’s eyes grew wider, and each iris echoed her terror in a different palette. “What did you _do to her_ …? Oh stars, Lapis-- what did you _do_??”

“I've already told you: _nothing she didn't deserve_. You're the only smart one out of them, Garnet. So just think-- how many Crystal Gems did Jasper shatter during the war? Do you think her crimes should go unpunished??”

Without a real answer to what Lapis had done to the Quartz, Garnet’s assumptions bounced around in her head, amplifying by the second in horror and monstrosities. 

“You weren’t even a Crystal Gem during the war, she never did _anything_ to you… Stars, was the assault a year ago a lie too…?” Cupping a hand over her plump, trembling lips, the pieces were finally falling into place. Jasper never hurt Lapis. This isn’t about punishing her for war crimes. It was about Lapis keeping her prisoner, no matter what the cost.

There was a stifled chuckle from the lithe gem, barely bothering to keep herself in check. 

“If I knew you were this smart, I would've let you know sooner. But you understand now, don't you…? After all she's done, Jasper knows she deserves it-- again, it’s why she doesn't fight me. And she won’t fight you either, if you’re interested--”

“--STOP IT! YOU'RE SICK, THIS IS SICK!! YOU’VE _BROKE_ HER!!” Retrospectively remembering the Quartz’s submission and heartbreak put a sour knot in Garnet’s stomach, and she barely managed to take a few aggressing steps towards Lapis.

The water gem blinked, and a little sorrow gloomed in her eyes.

“...Oh. I suppose you actually _don't_ understand... I never broke Jasper, I only broke her image of strength--” closing her eyes, Lapis drew in a deep breath, letting the air sit in her lungs for a moment. Her last words sailed over her exhale like a boat over a lake’s crystal waters, smooth and confident. “When we were Malachite, I could feel how much hatred she had for herself. I could feel it festering inside her, fermented in centuries of pain. All I did was bring the real Jasper out… Like any good Quartz, she lives to please. I gave her a purpose she hasn't had since her diamond was shattered. It's better this way; she has meaning now, Garnet--”

“Jasper isn't something you own, Lapis. Her worth isn't derived from whatever sick pleasure you take in keeping her prisoner. Stars, was Malachite not _enough_?!? You tormented her for months under the ocean, you took everything out on her… But now you have friends, you have a life here-- so why are you doing _this!?"_

The sorrow in those deep blue eyes mouldered away, turning twisted and depraved.

“...Friends? You all left me in that fucking mirror for _centuries_. You all gave me commands, and used me like a _tool_. So don't you dare try to tell me that dumb brute who dragged me back to Earth didn't deserve it!! _Nobody gets what they deserve on this miserable planet_!!!”

Although her haunting words made Lapis sound like a villain, the tone she carried them on ghosted with her own trauma. Garnet was infringing on the only coping mechanism she had, the only thing that made her feel better about herself. 

“No one ever said what happened to you was fair. But stars, Lapis, this is what you did to _cope_ …? You been coming here this last year and…” Garnet choked, remembering Jasper break down when no one believed Lapis had violated her so many times. They hardly believed one incident, and even then, she wasn't treated much like a victim. 

Lapis sucked in an exhausted breath, realizing she was going to lose her only source of comfort. Nevertheless, she spoke up with a tremble on her lips, gloomy and defeated. “You’re going to take her away from me, aren't you…?”

“Take her away? No, you're going to be leaving-- don't think for a second I would let you stay after you’ve been _lying to all of us_.”

“What--? You'd kicking me out over a _worthless Quartz_?!?”

“No. I'm kicking you out because you're a _monster_. If you were anything like the gem you pretended to be, you wouldn't have done this.”

“But I'm your _friend_!! You've known me for over a year, how could you pretend that doesn't mean anything?!?” Lapis watched as Garnet took a few steps back, moving towards the exit. 

“It would've meant something, but you lied about _everything_. The Lapis Lazuli I knew all this time _never existed_.”

The lithe gem shivered, dropping her eyes to the floor in a mental dead-end. She’s lost. 

Garnet turned to continue to the door before stopping after a couple steps, irritated that Lapis wasn’t following.

“You don’t get to linger; you’re leaving _now_ , Lapis. Don’t make me drag you out of the Temple.”

Absentmindedly, as if her body was responding but leaving her mind behind, Lapis slowly began walking toward the exit, much to the relief of her former friend. As if she couldn’t cede that small amount of trust over her though, Garnet grabbed ahold of Lapis’ upper arm, holding her unforgivingly firm to lead her out. In her eyes, Lapis didn’t deserve the dignity of walking herself, leading Garnet to ignore the little yelp of pain she made when she yanked the slender gem along, not bothering to be gentle as she forcibly guided Lapis out of the Temple.

Garnet had no intentions on treating her delicately anymore. No delicate gem could imprison and systematically torture another gem, and play victim all the while.

Lapis was a monster. And it was time she was finally treated like one.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Old habits die hard.

It’s been fifty-six days since Lapis has been gone. And although she feels shameful for doing so, Jasper still keeps count.

But today’s a special day, or at the very least it was to the Quartz. Day fifty-six was different from yesterday, or the day before that.

Lapis had violated her fifty-six times. After today, she would have been free a day for every occasion Lapis raped her.

And oddly enough, it felt like a victory. It’s not like Jasper get much of those these days, so whatever small satisfaction she can get from it, she will.

She’s not a prisoner anymore.

Despite everything, that mere thought made a weak smile ghost Jasper’s lips. If only for a moment.

But it was gone the second she felt her wet panties cling to her skin underneath her sweatpants, making Jasper shift her weight on her hips in discomfort to the gross reminder of her embarrassing attempt to pleasure herself. Hesitantly, she sloppily wiped the side of her hand across her face, smearing the remnants of her tears across her bright, flushed face. It’s been a while, or at least Jasper assumed so; during her little break-down she wasn’t sure how much time has passed. After sobbing on the floor, cradling the phantom sensation of her body being ripped open, her mind was left muddled and exhausted.

The bottom of her palm pressed tensely into her stomach, battling against the achiness she could still feel deep within her. It was finally tolerable enough for the Quartz to stand and continue with the laundry, but it still weighed that embarrassing reminder into her.

If Jasper thought she felt dirty about it before, then she felt downright vile right now.

How disgusting of her, pleasuring herself to the thought of Garnet.

The hot blush under her skin sweltered with her mortification, and Jasper whimpered as she gathered the remaining clothes from the dryer and set them in the basket to take back downstairs. They still had warmth to them, so her break-down couldn’t have been that long. Hopefully she could get back inside, redress herself, and fold the clothes all before Pearl gets home with Steven.

The few steps she had to take just to get onto the warp pad, warp into the house, and step off the pad were already testing the edge of Jasper’s fragile composure. Each step she could feel her damp underwear cling to her achy, sensitive privates. She didn’t want anything there. It made her sick to feel something touching her, especially with the nauseating wetness making her feel shamefully disgusted over her own actions.

Stepping out the middle of the living room, Jasper turned the basket in her hands upside-down, pouring its contents onto the floor so she could sit down and fold them. After setting the basket down, she took a step back and winced at the fabric’s dampness she felt between her legs, which was revoltingly cold to the touch. With the overpowering remorse spreading that old ache throughout her abdomen, Jasper almost instinctively found herself muttering her mantra.

“I didn’t deserv--”

The words died on her lips, and Jasper squeezed her eyes shut.

After she had just tried to masturbate to the thought of Garnet, that mantra didn’t feel right to say. Remembering how lewdly she called out Garnet’s name as she grinded herself on the dryer made that punishing ache in her lower abdomen drill deeper into her, and Jasper found the guilt putting new words in her mouth.

“I-I _deserved_ it.” A large, shaky hand rubbed under her navel, and the muscles of her throat felt constricted.

“I shouldn’t have done _that…_ I-I deserve this.” Although her gait was weak, the large Quartz stumbled over to the cabinet beneath the stairs and shifted through it for the box of her spare clothing. The weight of her actions made her shoulders slump, and her trembling lips weakly confessed her sins to the empty house around her.

“I shouldn’t have pleasured myself. I’m _disgusting…_ I-I’m… I’m _worthless…_ ” There was no one there but herself to hear those words, but Jasper still carried them out on her whimpers, leaning against the wall and clutching her change of underwear and sweatpants in her hands. Words that haven’t been in her mouth since the time Lapis shoved them in there were now fabricating on her tongue, as some kind of sickening punishment to herself.

“I-I’m nothing but a disgusting _whore…_ ”

Thick, shaky fingers buried themselves into the clothing she held, whilst her other hand dug into the hem of her sweatpants. She wanted to take them off, she wanted so badly to feel clean and good. But the fiery burn in her stomach screamed an awful reminder into her that she had brought this pain onto herself.

Desperately still leaning onto the wall, too weak to stand up on her legs independently, Jasper slowly and hesitantly pushed down the hem of her panties and sweatpants, feeling the slick, cold wetness of the fabric pull off from herself as she did so. It wasn’t even a speedy process; Jasper was sobbing as she slowly worked the soiled clothes off herself, feeling the wetness smear down her thighs when she pushed her underwear down to her knees. She felt so disgusting.

“I deserved it. I-I’m s-sorry Garnet… I’m so _sorry_!!” Her senses were fuzzy, and her guilty golden eyes squeezed shut. Jasper thought she heard a flash, but she also heard Lapis’ faint voice scolding her in the back of her mind, so she wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t. The only thing that felt real was her shame and the pain in her abdomen, along with the gross wetness she smeared down her inner thighs.

“I’m disgusting-- I’m so sorry, Garnet…” Eyes pressed shut and thighs quivering with the hem of her sweatpants and panties still half-way down her legs, Jasper cried out in shame and regret.

“Sorry for what…? Oh stars, Jasper, what _happened_!?”

Jasper’s eyes shot open, realizing the flash she thought she heard was the warp pad.

Garnet was back from her mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. There was my attempt to organize my trainwreck of ideas for Jasper's recovery. I actually had so much planned that i tossed out a few scenes, just because i already had so much that was suppose to go into this chapter. And, for anyone who's interested, i actually doodled [the outfit Jasper wears this chapter](http://theres-light-on-the-other-side.tumblr.com/post/156968012359/sad-bby-needs-some-soft-clothes-and-a-nap).
> 
> Few notes just so i make all my intentions and beliefs are clear, just in case some things in this chapter were taken face-value:  
> \- This is _not_ going to be a Jasper/Garnet fic. Emotions are tender whilst recovering from sexual abuse, and it's easy to misidentify them. Jasper can't differentiate that the love she has for Garnet is platonic, not romantic. This is why she fantasizes about Garnet keeping her safe, rather than fantasizing about Garnet's body.  
>  \- It's okay for rape victims to still have sexual desires. It's also okay for them not to. A rape victim isn't 'broken' if they lose all sexual interests they once had, and it's completely their choice if they ever want to explore that side of themselves again.  
> \- Masturbation isn't shameful.  
> \- Despite how many of them feel, rape victims are not 'dirty' because of what happened to them.  
> \- And finally, and most importantly, nobody ever deserves to be sexually assaulted. 
> 
> Sorry for the long ramble, but after the way this chapter ended up going, i really just wanted to make those points clear. Anyhow, i hope that this chapter was sufficient for the wait, and i hope nobody hates me for kinda smutty masturbation scene. And for anyone who was sad about the lack of interactions Jasper had with Peridot and the cats, that will be touched up on later.
> 
> I'm already a few thousand words deep into what is hopefully the final chapter, so hopefully the wait won't be too long? Idk i said a week last time and look what happened. I can't control myself. Someone stop me. This was suppose to be a depressing abuse fic.
> 
> Anyways, quick thanks to everyone that commented on this work. I love reading how many people stayed around this long even though the first chapter said this was going to be a short, three-chapter fic. If people didn't comment that they actually enjoyed this, i probably wouldn't have wrote so much. So honestly, thank you.
> 
> See you guys on the other side.


	8. Can't Escape (Alt Ending Pt.3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper is trying hard to establish who she is without Lapis, but she starts wanting an explanation for what she went through. She wants to move on, but she's not sure what she'll be leaving behind in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck remember when i said this was the last chapter?? Well now there's a short epilogue that i'm probably posting tomorrow, so like, that's the final thing? And then this is... over?? But not yet because this last little 16,000 word chapter still doesn't contain everything i wanted, hence the couple thousand word epilogue. 
> 
> Btw i'm sorry this is so goddamn late, i technically finished last week but i've been so self-conscious about my writing recently that i kept it for another week just to nervously proofread it over and over. But i kept you guys waiting long enough, so here it is. I would say i tried to make as many good things happen as i could, but i don't know how many of them fell apart in the process.
> 
> I'm sorry, i'm not making a lot of sense. It's 2am and i'm frazzled, but i'm just gonna suck it up and finally post this.
> 
> So here you go, the last full-out chapter for Not Okay. Sorry i couldn't get it done sooner.
> 
>  
> 
> _(song:[Slow Burn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDp1h_fO5nc) by Crywolf)_

Before the Quartz knew it, the little strength she still had left to lean against the wall was crumbling away, with a flood of shock making her drop to her knees and pitifully bury her face in her hands, dropping her change of clothes in the process. Although the shame felt like it was lighting a fire underneath her skin, Jasper chose to hide her face away rather than cover herself, already knowing that Garnet had seen her body before. The blood rushing to her face was powerful enough to make her feel her cheeks brighten by the second, only encouraging her to hide her shame. Rather than answer Garnet’s concern, the Quartz sobbed into her hands, stifling her noises as best as she could.

Faint steps cued Jasper that Garnet was approaching, making a hollow drop in her throat choke her cries. Of course Garnet was going to come closer. She always tries to comfort the Quartz during her break-downs.

A cool hand rested on top of Jasper’s shoulder, and although the Quartz’s sweater was thick, Garnet could still feel the overwhelming heat of Jasper’s skin, sweltering like a furnace.

Immediately, Jasper jerked her shoulder away, unable to have Garnet touch her without remembering all her disgusting fantasies. And although it was unintentional, she made a short whimper while she did so.

Garnet swallowed dryly in her mouth, glancing down to Jasper’s half-undressed body and back to where her face was buried in her hands. But she interpreted the signs all wrong, and assumed the whimper was out of fear.

“What’s wrong, Jasper…? Did you get hurt??” Garnet’s voice was soft, smooth with composure but reinforced with concern. But the kindness Jasper could hear only made her feel worse.

“I-I… I’m disgusting-- I want these clothes _off_.” Squirming, Jasper finally dropped her hands off her face, only to tug at the panties and sweatpants caught around her knees to get them away. She didn’t want any evidence of what she did. A small part of her even worried if Garnet could smell it on her; Jasper couldn’t smell at all, so the thought of her scent cueing Garnet off scared her so deeply that she almost wished the other gem wasn't so close.

Desperate and shaking, Jasper sat back and began frantically scratching the skin around her knees as she struggled to push the clothing off without smearing anymore of the fabric’s wetness down her legs. Catching on to the Quartz’s agitation, Garnet reached out to hold Jasper's hands, stalling her from clawing at herself and making things worse.

“Shh, it’s okay, I can help you get changed-- Is that fine? Are you okay with me helping you undress?” Garnet knows the Quartz gets too flustered and shaky during her break-downs to do anything without aid, but she was still going to respectfully ask permission to take off her clothes, knowing well that Jasper’s consent on her body must be acknowledged as much as possible. Hell, if Jasper even felt too uncomfortable with Garnet being near her while she was undressing, then Garnet would have no choice but to respectfully leave so the Quartz could be alone. But luckily, when Jasper finally spoke up, it wasn’t to tell Garnet to go.

“I-I’m _sorry…_ I’m so sorry, Garnet…”

Jasper kept her head dropped low, unable to vocalize her actions but also unable to reject Garnet’s offer. Not only did she need the help, but she really did want it; Garnet’s kindness made her feel like she was worth something. But after trying to pleasure herself to the thought of her, Jasper can’t see that kindness as something she deserved. If only she had the strength to tell Garnet to leave her alone.

“No, it’s no problem, I don’t mind helping you! But please, I need to know if I have your permission to do so.” Although she misinterpreted the apology, Jasper couldn’t correct her. Absentmindedly, she slowly nodded her head, feeling from how bad her hands were shaking that she wasn’t going to do much but embarrass herself like this. As if shutting off her senses would help, Jasper closed her eyes tight when she felt Garnet softly lift the Quartz’s hands off herself, feeling her gently push to set them against Jasper’s stomach. It was like she already knew Jasper needed to hold the slack of her sweater for security.

“You can tell me to stop if you feel uncomfortable. I’m going to remove your pants now, okay?” Although the Quartz offered a small nod, she was burning in fear of Garnet finding out what she did. She really hopes Garnet doesn’t touch the center fabric of her underwear; as long as she only grabs the hem, maybe she won’t find out.

Moving to sit in front of Jasper, Garnet made sure all of her movements were slow and gentle, delicately lifting one of the Quartz’s heavy legs from behind her knee so that she could work the sweatpants down her shins. Out of respect, she kept her head down and eyes fixed on her task, making sure not to make Jasper uncomfortable by looking at her. Between the large thighs in front of her, Garnet could see a tuft of the Quartz’s thick white hair from the corner of her eye, but made a conscious effort not to stare.

When she worked the pants off Jasper’s ankles, she tossed them aside rather hastily, then glanced up to get permission to continue. And although Jasper had her gaze off to the side to avoid eye contact, Garnet still smiled, emphasizing that the nature of the atmosphere was good-hearted and harmless.

“We’re almost halfway done; I’m removing your underwear now, alright?” Garnet could see Jasper’s grip tremble violently, clenching onto her sweater until her hands were white-knuckled. Nevertheless, this time she spoke up.

“O-okay… I understand…” While her voice wasn’t reassuring Garnet at all, she still accepted her permission to continue, slowly moving up to hold each side of the underwear bunched up at the Quartz’s knees. Every thought in Jasper’s head was racing with the anticipation that Garnet will realize the panties are soaked.

Lucky for her, Garnet’s main focus was making sure she wasn’t staring between Jasper’s legs. As leisurely as she had done with the sweatpants, she worked the maroon panties off, before adjusting her grip to pull it off of Jasper’s ankles. However, when she shifted her hand around to grip behind the hem and tug it over her heels, she felt something wet slide over the back of her hand.

Thinking she merely imagined it, Garnet finished inching the panties off of Jasper’s feet, but she didn’t toss it aside just yet. Timidly, she held them in one hand, and ran a curious finger along the triangular gusset just to be sure. Her face flushed when she realized it was wet.

Jasper’s head was still turned away, and Garnet was positive she didn’t notice-- quickly, she threw them carelessly aside just as she had done with the sweatpants. Although she had avoided doing so thus far out of respect, Garnet’s eyes finally wandered up the Quartz’s thighs and between her legs, wanting proof to prove her assumption wrong.

But beneath the white tuft of hair at the top of Jasper’s vulva were glistening scarlet folds, barely peeking through her ample outer lips. From how it shined with an unmistakable wet sheen, Garnet could tell that the wetness on the panties was certainly Jasper’s arousal.

Noticing that she had paused, Jasper finally glanced up, and her abdomen burned with shame and embarrassment when she saw Garnet staring between her legs. With a mortified whimper, she jerked her thighs shut in a heartbeat. As if the stare was one of hunger, Jasper dropped her hands down atop her groin, pathetically guarding against any salacious attention. Even with her trust in Garnet, she still feared her current state would drive some sick carnal drive within her. Jasper blinked thrice, her vision blurring from how bad her eyes watered in shame and fear.

She felt like a dirty whore.

“You’re… wet?” While Garnet’s tone had no anger or disgust in it, the mere acknowledgment to the Quartz’s arousal was punishment enough. Heaving in a loud sob, Jasper felt that piercing pain in her abdomen again, and fought against the ancient urge to double over from the phantom ache.

Twisting away, her legs pulled into her chest, and Jasper hid behind her hands once more. As if she was recoiling from a hit. As if she expected the next words from Garnet to scold her.

The broken whimper Garnet heard in response was the only answer she needed, and her face felt hot with a blush as she hastily moved to rub Jasper’s shoulder supportively. She really didn’t expect this; after what Lapis had done to her, it's a miracle Jasper could even get aroused. In all honestly, while Garnet didn't say it, she assumed most of Jasper’s sexuality was destroyed after enduring so much trauma, and never factored in that the Quartz would still have any sexual desires or fantasies. She almost even felt bad for never talking to Jasper about it, feeling like she had failed the Quartz for never telling her it's okay to have sexual feelings after what she went through.

“Don't cry, this isn't a bad thing-- Please don't feel embarrassed, I'm happy that you're able to--” abruptly, Garnet stuttered off when she suddenly remembered how she found the Quartz half-undressed and sobbing when she warped back. Coupled with the knowledge of how flustered and wet she was right now, Garnet wrongly assumed she must’ve accidentally walked in on the Quartz pleasuring herself. Jasper’s erratic sobbing only further led her down the wrong trail. “O-oh… I’m sorry, did I interrupt you…? I-I didn't know, I’m so sorry Jasper--”

“P-please don't apologize,” Jasper whimpered against her hands, wanting so desperately to curl up fetally on the ground. “I… I-I shouldn't have-- Garnet, I'm _sorry_ , please don't be mad--”

The massive gem was shivering under her hand like a battered hound who cowers away from affectionate pets because it only remembers hits; she was reluctant to feel comforted. But Garnet didn't want Jasper to instinctively fear her like she did Lapis, she didn't want the Quartz to think she lost all value as an individual as soon as she was seen in a sexual context.

Her hand kneaded into Jasper’s shoulder soothingly, and Garnet’s voice raised with profound sympathy when she responded.

“I'm not mad, Jasper! You're allowed to touch yourself, you don't need to say sorry!”

“You d-don't understand… Garnet, I… I-I was…” finally, the last sliver of composure within Jasper broke, and her hands fell off her face to drag her apologetic, teary eyes to Garnet.

“I was thinking of _you_. It just made m-me feel so safe-- I shouldn't have done it, but… I just couldn't stop thinking of _her_.”

Garnet hardly noticed her hand dropped off Jasper’s shoulder. Those golden eyes were so guilty and miserable, as if she deserved to feel dirty and ashamed. Rather than confess as a gesture of honesty, Jasper whimpered her confession like a sin needing correction.

Jasper made it clear she was expecting punishment for her dirty behavior. It made Garnet’s chest ache, like her ribcage was clawing at her lungs.

“You… thought of me? To make the thought of Lapis go away?”

Jasper’s squeezed her blurry eyes shut, forcing the coat of tears on her lashes to roll down her bright red cheeks. “I’m _sorry_. I know you said you don't like me like that. I-I know I had _no right_ \--”

“‘ _No right_ ’!? If it makes you feel safe to think about me when you touch yourself, then go right ahead. You don't have to feel bad for thinking about me like that!”

“B-but you said you didn't like me--”

“Jasper, I just want you to be _happy_. I care about you, but you're not something I want to be attracted to. In your state, nobody should be looking at you like that.”

At the unexpected hit to her self-image, Jasper’s eyes fluttered open in shock, feeling like Garnet had just called her broken and unattractive. But realizing her misinterpretation, Garnet quickly elaborated.

“No, no that's not what I meant-- I just thought, after all you've been through, the last thing you wanted was for someone to be sexually interested in you. I don't care if you think about me when you pleasure yourself; as long as it makes you feel safe and helps get you off, then by all means, do it.”

With a wide, encouraging smile, Garnet rest her hand on one of the Quartz’s, holding it protectively. She could feel the tense grip Jasper had on her lap lighten under the touch, but her next words didn't carry the same relief.

“I… _didn't_ get off.”

“--Oh, right, sorry again about interrupting you--”

“No, you didn't. I…” Jasper swallowed guilty, but realized she was a bit too far in to hold back the indecent details. “I-I tried using the dryer while I was doing laundry, because... I can't put my hands on myself.”

Instead of a frown, Garnet made a short noise of surprise. Although she didn’t approve of anyone pleasuring themselves on the household appliances, Garnet wasn’t about to scold the Quartz for it. After the dust has settled from this current incident, Garnet will have to remember to bring it up with her.

Instead, rather than inquire about the questionable use of the dryer, Garnet blinked twice in confusion and focused onto the second half of the statement. “You can't use your hands?”

Dolefully, Jasper shook her head, slowly like she was embarrassed to admit it. But if she trusted anyone to know, it was Garnet.

“I-It _hurts_ … It doesn't feel good…” those old, familiar words found their way in Jasper’s mouth, and she overtly shivered when she remembered Lapis’ hands on her body.

But the memories of her faded from Jasper's train of thought when she felt the loving hand on top of her own begin to rub soothingly, comforting the bad memories away by reminding Jasper she was cared about. That she wasn't the dirty whore that Lapis made her see herself as.

Garnet didn’t want her to feel bad. Even if she didn’t approve of Jasper pleasuring herself on the dryer, she would let the Quartz do so again in a heartbeat if it meant Jasper got to reclaim that part of herself again. All this time, Garnet ignored that huge part Lapis destroyed within her, and chose to believe Jasper had no sexual desires just because it was easier than actually addressing them. From what very little she knew (or even tried to ask) about how the assaults went down, Garnet quickly realized Lapis purposefully loved testing the boundary between rape and torture, and never once gave Jasper any reason to feel good about her body. She made Jasper think her body was a toy to be used, and that the only pleasure that mattered was the pleasure Lapis took in abusing her. What Jasper wanted was never in the equation, so no wonder it felt bad when the Quartz tried touching herself; it’s been too long since she’s had someone else value her sexual pleasure, so Jasper hardly knew how to do so herself.

Like the weight of her failure to the Quartz was something tangible and heavy, Garnet’s shoulders feebly slumped, absolutely dismayed that Jasper couldn’t even touch her own body to feel good.

And although she shouldn't have, Garnet found herself suggesting an unfiltered thought to Jasper, before she had time to decide if it was even a good idea.

“Do you… want _me_ to try?”

Jasper shivered like there was a sinister intent to Garnet’s words, and her pupils narrowed down into pinpoints. But Garnet couldn't tell if it was from fear or surprise.

“Y-you can't say that! You said you didn't like me like _that!!_ ” Despite her voice being raised, Jasper sounded more heartbroken than angry. As if Garnet had just taunted her with the idea, rather than genuinely offer it. It was one thing for Garnet to kiss her just to make her feel better, but there was no way she could be offering to sexually pleasure Jasper with the same platonic intent.

And despite everything, somehow the mere thought of Garnet being personally interested in touching her felt worse. Jasper almost even felt sickened at the idea of Garnet being sexually attracted to her; fearing that once someone starts looking at her like that, they would no longer see Jasper as a person. It was terrifying.

“No, I said it's not right for you to be _sexualized_ , and I still can’t imagine ever seeing you like that. But I still want to make you happy, Jasper. And if me touching you is something that does that, then I don't mind trying. You deserve to feel good, but you also deserve to know my feelings aren’t going to change if this happens.” Garnet’s thumb moved in soft little circles over the back of Jasper’s clammy hand, conveying her comfort and willingness to pleasure her. But she felt the hand stiffen underneath hers, and Garnet quickly emphasized that this was Jasper’s choice, in attempt to ease her nerves.

“Don't be scared, I'm just offering. But you're still recovering, and it's understandable if you're not comfortable with being sexual with another gem. There’s no pressure to try; just tell me no and I’ll drop it.”

Jasper blinked, and her eyes went soft as she searched Garnet’s face for anything that she should fear. But rather than finding hunger in her expression, Jasper only saw care and respect. Garnet wasn't going to make her do anything she didn't want to do.

The only thing she wanted was to help Jasper feel more comfortable with her own sexuality, and Garnet could distinguish that her desire to do this was out of a genuine intent to help Jasper, rather than some inappropriate lust she might harbor for her. She didn’t like Jasper like that, but she still wanted the Quartz to feel safe and comfortable enough with her body to climax.

It was just like that sense of security Jasper craved when she pleasured herself on the dryer. The feeling of safety she chased into an unreachable horizon.

Garnet was offering to hold her hand and help lead her to that horizon. To show her the path so one day Jasper could walk there by herself.

Jasper couldn't fathom a proper response to that immense surge of worth she felt from it, jumbling up her words when she stuttered to speak.

“No, I-I wanna try! Please, if you're okay with it, I… I would _really_ like to.”

The transparency of her nervousness made Garnet softly chuckle, but not in an undermining way. She thought the Quartz was endearing.

“I'm honored you will allow me to, Jasper. I won't do anything you don't like. Do you want to try this now, or do you need some time…?”

Despite the two hands Jasper felt cupped protectively over her own, she kneaded into her lap anxiously, using her thighs like stress balls. Today out of all the days is the one she ought to prove Lapis doesn't get to take her pleasure away, right…?

She already tried twice to take herself there, and failed. But now she has a guide, who will make sure Jasper doesn't get lost in the thoughts of Lapis on her way to that distant horizon.

Even though there was no saliva in her dry mouth, Jasper swallowed to push down some of the lingering shame she could taste. It was probably bile.

“Can we really do this now…?” The murmur of words was more of its own question than an answer for Garnet, and by the lowness of Jasper’s deep voice, she could tell that the Quartz wanted this to be something real. Jasper was still stuck on the idea of Garnet pleasuring her out of a good-hearted, platonic intent. Something like that doesn't seem like an offer one would jump to at a moment’s notice.

Instead of forcing Jasper to cede the slightest bit of control over how or when it'll happen, Garnet broke out a supportive smile. “If it's something you want right now, we can do it right now. Everything about it will be on your terms and your terms only, Jasper.”

The immense validation and self-worth that cascaded down the Quartz’s spine through a blanket of shivers was warming and intriguing. Control was something Lapis never let her have.

But Garnet wasn't anything like Lapis, was she?

“I-I _really_ want to do it n-now,” Jasper began with a desperate voice, fidgeting with her thick clumsy fingers. “But Pearl is going to be back soon. And I-I don't want her to _see_ \--”

“You don't have to worry about someone walking in. We can go somewhere private… Like the Temple--”

Jasper tensed, and the corners of her mouth twitched with a broken frown to hearing the Temple as the setting for this. Garnet realized her mistake immediately.

“Wait, no, I'm sorry. That's probably not a comforting place.”

“N-no, can it--” Jasper began, already hiding her frown by biting into her bottom lip. “Can… can it be at the barn?”

Unknowingly, Garnet’s lips fell slightly agape, shocked that Jasper would suggest that gruesome abandoned barn as the place she wants to reclaim herself. But then, the more she thought about it, the more sense it made; that barn was where Jasper was taught she was nothing but a whore to be used. So fitting for it to be the first landmark on Jasper’s path to sexual recovery.

This time, Garnet didn't smile as a gesture to comfort Jasper. She smiled out of genuine joy that she’ll be able to give this to the Quartz, as nobody has made an effort to go back to that barn after the alleged assault Lapis claimed against Jasper over a year ago. It's still empty.

“Yes… I believe we would be uninterrupted there. But, I just want you to rethink for a moment and tell me if you're really ready to go back there again--”

“ _Please_ , I want it to be there.” Jasper insisted with a persistence spark in her golden eyes, although it lacked the strength to kindle into a fire. If challenged enough, Jasper knew her insecurities will snuff out her bold decision. She needed to not be persuaded to rethink this, lest Jasper shies away from this altogether.

Understandingly, although not fully reassured, Garnet nodded. She’ll accept it for now, but she mentally prepared to take Jasper away from that place the second she deems it's too painful for the Quartz. Hastily, as if remembering that Pearl was currently on her way home with Steven, Garnet stood up and hurried over to the counter to fumble through the drawers for a pen and paper.

“If you're feeling up to it, you can get changed into your fresh clothes-- we’ll be leaving there shortly. I'll help you if you can't.” Without even looking up from the notepad she began sloppily scribbling onto, Garnet still offered to help the Quartz finish redressing. But Jasper, nervous yet comforted at Garnet’s kindness, took to a more composed stand and she stepped into her fresh panties and sweatpants. By the time she was redressed and sorting her soiled clothes into the cabinet's designated box-turned-hamper, Garnet was already done with the note she’d hastily scribbled for Pearl, explaining not to worry that Jasper is gone when she returns. Garnet didn't give a location on the off-chance Pearl might check up on them, and instead noted that she's taking Jasper off to privately console her for a few hours. There is also a few strong words in disapproval for Pearl leaving Jasper alone again, and that Garnet would be talking to her later about it.

“Ready to leave?”

Stumbling around the unfolded pile of laundry, Jasper clumsily went to Garnet’s side and folded her arms nervously over her broad chest. “Y-yeah, I’m ready.”

A gentle hand settled behind the curve of her bicep, softly holding to lead since Jasper wasn’t offering a hand for Garnet to guide her by. But the Quartz has been real persistent on showing her independence these last few weeks, so Garnet softly smiled as she subtly led the larger gem to the warp pad.

The Quartz’s bare feet padded up onto the cold stone alongside Garnet’s much softer steps, and despite the lack of attention Jasper tossed her way to not betray any anxiety over this venture, that warm hand still sank off her bicep and offered a firm support behind her mid-back.

“You can back out of this, you know. You don’t have to see that barn again if you don’t want to.” The low voice that came from Garnet’s lips sounded like she knew of a thousand future possibilities of Jasper crumbling at the sight of the barn. No matter how hard she searched, there were a tenfold more bad outcomes of Jasper dropping weakly to her knees and holding around her abdomen, shutting down in memory and regressing into an empty husk for hours on end just from the presence of that barn. There were so many ways this could go bad, but admittedly Garnet was combing through the future to find the worst that could happen to Jasper when she sees the place.

Garnet frowned, noticing the Quartz wasn’t giving any acknowledge her way. It only served to make her feel that much worse, as there were no definite differences markings her future visions apart; if was a Russian roulette of finding out whether Jasper’s reaction would be painful or not.

Jasper's lip trembled, but she stood as unaffected and stoic as she could manage, standing tall and projecting a false image of strength.

Garnet didn’t warp them there just yet. Instead, she turned and wrapped her other arm around Jasper, and held her in an embrace so firm that she could smell the sea breeze on Jasper’s sweatshirt from being on the laundry platform so long.

“Jasper, it’s going to hurt you to be there. It’s going to hurt so much and I won’t know what to do…”

Softly leaning to press her cheek atop Garnet’s hair, the massive Quartz swallowed her in her arms, fingers quivering as they dug into Garnet’s back.

“I know it’ll hurt. Just d-don’t leave me _alone_ , Garnet. Please don’t leave m-me…”

Being alone was the worst part. When no one’s there to guide her through the memories and untangle the Quartz from her past, Jasper will submit to the pain and curl up on the floor, reliving everything she wants to forget. All she needs is someone there. She didn’t want to be alone.

“I won’t, you know I won’t. Whatever you remember happening there isn’t going to happen again. Lapis isn’t here; it’s just me, Jasper. No one will hurt you.”

With a long draw of air, Garnet pulled out of the embrace and held one of Jasper’s hands between her own. When she looked up at the Quartz, she was surprised to see she wasn’t crying. She was smiling.

It was a pitiful and broken-down smile, but a smile nonetheless. And Garnet smiled back to her, equally pitiful.

“I’m ready to go now, Garnet.” Jasper softly spoke up, and this time Garnet could actually hear a semblance of security in those words.

This time when she searched the futures, there were hardly any possibilities of Jasper breaking down. It was going to be okay.

And that very idea comforted Garnet as she warped her and the Quartz off, back to that horrible, isolated barn.

 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

 

The walk was quiet, but not silent. The whole way Garnet was constantly murmuring little words of comfort, and holding tight onto Jasper’s clammy hand.

By the time the barn was only a handful of yards away, Garnet’s hushed words of security turned into gentle praise, honestly surprised in Jasper’s remarkably steady gaze onto that old, creaky barn.

“You're doing so well. Can you say something? You haven't spoken, and I need you to tell me if it's too much.” In case Jasper let go, Garnet squeezed the Quartz’s hand for support as she sought confirmation of how she was.

The details of the barn got sharper and sharper the closer they got, and Jasper curled her toes into the cool grass as they walked.

“It's not too much. Just really… _familiar_.”

With a nod of approval to Jasper’s honest answer, Garnet stopped them both once they reached the entrance of the barn. As if remembering something that's slipped her mind, her mouth fell agape blankly, and Jasper returned her confusion with a tad bit of fear.

“Garnet? I-Is something wrong??” Remarkably composed considering her circumstances, Jasper dropped her hand out of Garnet’s to tug on her puffy sleeve, trying to snap her out of her thoughts.

Swallowing down her shock, Garnet brought her eyes up to the Quartz to offer her acknowledgment.

“Yeah, it's just… I don't think the blood was ever cleaned up.”

Jasper’s golden irises swallowed up her pupils, wide with horror. “You mean, the blood you guys found Lapis in…?”

With a guilty nod, Garnet took a cautious step towards the barn. Hopefully there's some old blankets or towels in there she can cover up the stains with, lest their little trip will end prematurely.

“Stay out here. I’ll see how bad it is.” With a cautious look at Jasper warning her not to follow, she disappeared into the dark barn, and the Quartz stuttered out a nervous sigh as her arms crossed over her chest, leaning against the dusty wall.

The blood is just a relic of the past. It’s an old landmark for a lost battle, but the war against Lapis has long been over and her lurid conquests shouldn't bother Jasper anymore. Yet she still felt a little sick, no matter how many times she told herself to get over it. There have been a million battlefields Jasper has bled out on, but none made her feel as defeated and helpless as the memories of what Lapis did to her.

Was it even fair to call them battles against her? They surely felt more like surrenders.

Abruptly, Garnet reappeared from the barn’s shadows, with a puzzled expression. Immediately, Jasper straightened up tensely.

“It's… not there. I guess Pearl must've gone back and cleaned it up?”

“Gone? She didn't even bother to tell anyone she was going to clean it?” Disturbed over the mysterious erasure of one of the worst memories Jasper has, the Quartz anxiously clenched her hands and dug her nails into her palm.

Garnet shrugged, already dismissing the discovery. “Don't even worry. We didn't come here for it, so try not to dwell on the bad memories-- we're here to make better ones.”

In a fluid movement, she reached out for Jasper’s hand and pressed her fingertips into her balled-up fist to softly get her to open it. Although the larger gem’s breathing hitched tensely, she reluctantly obliged, and loosened her hand in favor of holding Garnet’s much smaller one.

“Come on. There's a couch inside… You're still comfortable with this, right?” Squeezing her hand, Garnet led her in as she spoke.

Although a creep of shivers was climbing up her spine, Jasper nodded. “Yeah, I-I am.”

It’s been awhile, and although her recollection of the barn was fogged over with a film of bad memories, Jasper felt like the place was different. The walls soaked in almost no light, so it was difficult to pinpoint if the unfamiliarity was from the darkness or not. For all she knew, the barn could be feeling so strange and new because she was coming here as a new gem. A gem who can be herself.

She wondered if Garnet could feel how sweaty her hand was getting, as her grip tightened so that the Quartz’s large hand wouldn’t slip out. Instead, she kept to her role as a steady guide, bringing Jasper over to the couch against the wall. Jasper could’ve sworn it used to be further in the corner, like a distant throne Lapis would perch herself while she binged on earth television.

As Garnet led her to sit down on that worn couch, Jasper’s muscles softened as she melted against the cushions, straightening out her legs just so she could sink down. It reminded her of the couch back at Steven’s home, and she stuttered out a comforted hum to the remarkable composure she felt.

Joining her, Garnet sat down next to her, although her back was erect and her form was formal and straightened. Almost as if she was meaning to convey this was something she was doing in a caring and professional manner, in order to remind Jasper there was no lust or romance behind this.

With drawn-out, deep breaths, Jasper kept herself calm and collected, trying to work herself up to ask if this was going to happen. Garnet was sitting far enough that their legs didn’t even touch one another, and the Quartz couldn’t help feeling like Garnet’s only incentive to fuck her was out of pity. Just the thought made a chilling shiver crawl under her skin.

Luckily for her, Garnet was the one who eventually spoke up after a few painfully long moments of silence.

“You don’t have to push yourself. We can just cuddle, if you’d like.”

With a disheartened frown, Jasper’s brow knit as she turned her head to the gem beside her. “It’s starting to sound like _you’re_ the one who doesn’t want this. I-I already know you don’t have feelings for me, so if… If you don’t wanna fuck me, just _say_ it.”

The unexpected sharpness in her tone was ridden with projected insecurities, but the words still landed nonetheless. With a sluggish sigh, Garnet tipped her visor off her nose, slowly removing it. By the time her hand had lower it enough to nearly covered her mouth, she finally flashed it off with a zip of light, as if the entire gesture was just an excuse for some thinking time.

“I just want you to understand you have the power to say no. This isn’t about me; if it’s any consolation, I’ve casually slept with Pearl and Amethyst as well, and still maintain a platonic friendship with them both. I’m perfectly fine with doing this with you.” Although the truth was apparent under her words, Jasper broke her eyes off Garnet’s, and found herself staring down at her lap as she fidgeted with her fingers.

Platonic. Just the very word sounds so intriguing and nice, but Jasper couldn’t find it in herself to associate that word with what they were about to do. Sex wasn’t something that seemed so painlessly easy, but then again, nothing these days came easy. Maybe Jasper was going to have to push herself a little more than usual to work herself up to the idea of this being out of Garnet’s good-hearted nature; this was something the Quartz wanted for herself, and she had a friend willing to do it with her.

“Can we _really_ be platonic after this? Because... I-I don't want you to see me as anything else.” Holding her breath, Jasper kept her head tilted so low that a curtain of hair blocked Garnet out the corner of her eyes. And she wasn't going to peek through those curtains until she felt sure that they weren't going to change their standing as friends. It may have taken awhile, but the more the reality of Garnet and her fucking became apparent, the more Jasper realized she didn't actually want Garnet in a way she would want a lover. Her feelings were strong, and she still had a misplaced yearn for Garnet to fill in the role she’s always wanted Lapis to have in her life, yet beneath all that… a platonic friendship is what she really wants. Jasper didn't want Garnet being attracted to her.

And Garnet was more than vocal to remind her she wasn't.

“If you _really_ want me to pleasure you, then I’ll do so. But I already told you it's hard for me to see you in a sexualized light. I'm only doing this if you're fully comfortable with having sex with me, but from the sound of it, you have some hesitations.” The forwardness of Garnet’s speech made the Quartz slouch into herself, absently picking at her nails to maintain a mindless fidget while they spoke. The nerves of her anxiety were transparent to them both.

“I didn't want hesitations. I didn't want doubt…” the blunt of her nail bit under a snag of hangnail, and Jasper sucked in a sudden breath at the sting. “And even without them, I simply don't know how to begin, even though this was something I want.”

With a seize of her hand off her other, Garnet halted the painful fumble between the Quartz’s fingers. Polarizing either end of the hold, Garnet’s palm gems caged protectively around Jasper’s.

“You don't have to begin. Give me permission and tell me what you want me doing, and I’ll do it.” Supportively, Garnet palmed into the massive hand between her own, and Jasper made a soft groan. It was hard to tell if it was out of discomfort or intrigue.

“I… I don't know what I want.” Her golden eyes fixed onto her lap, trying to hide her lie.

“Yes, you do. Tell me what you thought about when you were touching yourself. Tell me if you want me doing that.”

Garnet watched the muscle of Jasper’s forearms relax, and she filled up her lungs with a deep breath. The Quartz wanted this, but she also needed to ease into it.

“I-I thought about your hand. I… I liked thinking about your hand holding over my…” with a nervous squirm, Jasper trailed off, with a red hue painting her face. But before she could say another word, Garnet’s hand left hers, settling down atop Jasper’s upper thigh. Gently, she kneaded into the soft flesh.

The touch was so sweet and well-meaning that Jasper couldn't recoil from it. Garnet’s hands made her feel so safe, and she stuttered out a comforted moan.

“Do you want me to touch between your legs?”

Breaking her eyes off her lap, Jasper hesitantly met Garnet’s eyes. “I don't know. I mean, _I_ can't even touch there…”

Garnet offered her an understanding smile, although it had a sorrowful edge to it.

“And what if I did so with my mouth? Lapis never put her mouth down there, did she?” Although the question was genuine, Jasper’s eyes widened as if the words were bluntly absurd.

“Her _mouth_?! No, never. Just her fingers and her…” Dryly swallowing, Jasper lost her words for a second in memory. But the moment she felt that loving hand knead into her soft thigh, she refocused onto the kind features of the gem before her.

“If that's so, then would you like if I ate you out, Jasper?” Although her hand was still kneading the top of the Quartz’s massive thigh, Garnet slid it down a bit, keeping a generous distance from between her legs. If it was true that Jasper didn't like hands or fingers touching there, then a warm tongue was one of the few ways Garnet can pleasure her.

Looking up, Jasper’s eyes were wide, with her pupils consuming the majority of her golden irises. “You would do that??”

It was as if the offer was too generous to take on in a heartbeat. Yet there was not a speck of doubt on Garnet’s face.

“I would love to. That is, if you're okay with it…?”

Hastily, almost as if the offer would fade from reality if Jasper didn't jump on it, she frantically expressed her gratitude.

“Y-yes, I would… I would love if you did that.”

With a sigh, Garnet finally stood up from the couch, and dropped onto her knees before Jasper. She got her permission, and she’ll lead from start to finish if needs be.

With a surprising amount of control lacking any kind of aggressive force, Garnet cupped a hand behind each one of the Quartz’s knees, and Jasper made a yelp of surprise as Garnet tugged her to the cushion’s edge.

“I’m going to take off your clothes now. Tell me if it's too much.” Flashing a glance of confirmation from where she was before her, Garnet was met with an eager nod from Jasper. The Quartz was nervously chewing her thick bottom lip, and struggled to keep back a little wince as the hands behind her knees sailed over the fabric of her sweats, gripping at the hem around her hip. Quick to express her willingness to participate, Jasper lifted her hips up, allow Garnet to work the underwear and sweatpants down to her ankles, before she slowly worked them off her feet. Nothing about any of Garnet’s actions seemed heated or lust-driven.

“Can you spread your legs for me, Jasper?” Hearing her words, the Quartz sucked in a pained breath, but was glad Garnet asked rather than just force them apart herself. A searing burn swarmed around in her stomach, telling Jasper that spreading her legs would mean pain, but the Quartz desperately muted the voice and ignored its pleas, sinking back into the couch as her thighs spread out.

Slow yet naturally, as if falling into the most comfortable position with her legs apart, Jasper gave generous room for Garnet despite hissing in discomfort to the chilling air she could feel on her warm folds from the exposure.

Taking the invitation, Garnet’s arms wrapped behind her and held onto the small of her back as she ghosted her plump lips up the inside of Jasper’s thigh. The Quartz’s breathing hitched, shivering with goosebumps from the warm breath Garnet left on her skin.

“You look beautiful…” Jasper could feel each syllable on her thigh, like hot gales on a summer afternoon. Garnet’s eyes were locked onto the fluff of white hair and the slick lips of Jasper's vulva whilst she spoke, emphasizing what part of Jasper made her say that. It'll take a lot of sweet-talking and compliments to rebuild the foundations of Jasper’s confidence, but Garnet was here to make sure progress was made.

With bright cheeks and a nervous sweat, Jasper squirmed, and made a flustered noise of joy. It was barely above a whisper, but the sound was like chimes to Garnet’s ears, cueing her that Jasper adored the compliment.

A single hand snaked out from behind Jasper, ghosting along the thigh opposite to the one Garnet was planting kisses upon. It traveled high, sailing smoothly over her skin, as if without friction. But it stopped within an inch between Jasper’s thighs, and the Quartz made an upset whine as she jerked her hips towards it, expecting to be touched.

“I need your permission. Are you fine with my hand…?”

“--D-don't put anything inside. You can touch, but… P-please don't put anything _in_.” On the waver of her deep voice, Jasper had an underlying plead in her word, as if Garnet would’ve shoved a few fingers in her without forewarning. But even if Jasper never said anything, Garnet hadn't the slightest intentions on penetrating her. There may never be a day where Jasper will be comfortable with someone inside her body, and today was not a day to test boundaries.

Instead, soothing and slow, Garnet’s hand consumed the taunting distance separating it from the bright and wet folds between Jasper's legs.

Her fingers didn't go near her entrance. Instead, Garnet ran her fingertip around the Quartz’s fat clitoral hood, admiring the soft and ample touch. With a delicate touch on it, Garnet pushed up ever-so-slightly against the hood, exposing the sensitive and swollen clit underneath.

It looked so forgotten and ignored. Garnet couldn't imagine Lapis ever treating it right.

A trembling hand snaked behind her head, shaking from ancient fears. With an acknowledging glance up, Garnet sought to find reason for Jasper’s shaking by meeting her eyes.

They looked so pained when she saw them.

“I-It’s gonna hurt if y-you touch it. It _always_ h-hurts.” As if already imagining the pain so vividly that she could feel it, Jasper sounded on the verge of tears. She can’t remember the last time her clit was directly touched if not to tear off, cut, or force a climax at Lapis’ command.

“Only the memories will hurt. Tell me if you can't take it, alright…?”

Although teardrops beaded the corner of her lashes, Jasper nodded. There was a needy swarm in her groin, but also a piercing ache in her lower abdomen. The latter begged her to close her legs, but Jasper’s faith kept them wide.

The only hope she held onto was the small chance it doesn't hurt. That tiny, isolated chance that this will actually feel good.

And with no other precursor but the hot breath of Garnet’s exhale rolling on her slick privates, a soften tongue pressed up on her swollen clit, and swiped it up to her tip cautiously slow.

Without thought, Jasper’s mouth fell agape with a lewd gasp, and her hips jerked up to the hot tongue on her. Forgetting completely about the pain she had expected, the Quartz’s massive legs tensed and twitched, instinctively wrapping behind Garnet’s shoulders and pushing her heels desperately against her upper back to beg for another swipe.

“Oh, _stars_ …” Jasper’s voice was barely audible, but even from the little noise she made, Garnet could hear the thick pleasure.

Rolling up her tongue on Jasper’s clit once more, she pressed down harder this time, confident that it would cause no pain. And just as she expected, Jasper’s hips jerked up again, and she involuntarily moaned even louder.

She was so sensitive. While Garnet didn't know many sexual details about Jasper, she can't imagine she always gets this touchy and wet. Perhaps her clit has just been neglected for far too long, or maybe Jasper had forgotten what pleasurable sex could be like; either way, she shamelessly twitched and cried out with every single swipe of Garnet’s tongue.

“Ah--! Aah…!” The Quartz suddenly bit down hard on her bottom lip, muffling a little cry of ecstasy as she rocked her hips up to Garnet’s mouth. It wasn't necessary; she could've laid back and kept her legs spread wide, and Garnet could've serviced her fine. But the carnal motion of the slight thrusts added a little jolt inside her core with each swipe, enticing her to keep rocking up to receive the reward.

Although Garnet didn't think she did so purposely, the thighs around her squeezed a bit with the rise of her early climax, and Garnet slowed down into soft lapping to keep Jasper going a little longer.

“Wha--” confused at the leisurely pace taking the start of her rise away, Jasper whined and squirmed her hips a bit, upset that Garnet didn't let her climax just yet. “Aah-- W-why…?”

While still panting with the slower laps, Jasper looked down at Garnet, her brow knitted heavily in fear that Garnet was playing some sort of game. Halting her service, Garnet glanced up from between her thighs, with Jasper’s arousal dripping down her chin and shining her cheeks.

“You don't want to take your time?” She huffed, and Jasper felt every hot word on her sensitive folds.

“N-no? I… I just want to _finally_ come--” her orange cheeks were nearly scarlet like her stripes, and part of her former pride scorned her for not caring about her endurance.

Resting her cheek against the inside Jasper’s thigh, Garnet licked her wet lips before she spoke, tasting every drop of her. The Quartz tasted like sandstone and almonds.

“My bad. I’ll make sure you come, Jasper.”

Before the Quartz’s skin had a chance to turn redder, Garnet had her mouth down on her again, and the sudden stimulation earned another blissful cry from Jasper’s lips.

The pleasure was just so much more direct and engaging; on the dryer, Jasper lasted quite a while before approaching her climax, but Garnet’s mouth was too precise for her. Rather than the general and faint rumbling, it was targeted hot flicks of her tongue on the Quartz’s swollen clit, easily sweeping her back up to her rise once Garnet got faster.

“Aaah… G-gaa…” Just barely, Jasper caught herself and held back from calling Garnet’s name. Sucking in a heavy breath, her hips canted up, trying to distract herself so she wouldn’t blurt out something inappropriate.

Suddenly, and without any warning, Garnet caught her clit right between her lips, and gave a hard suck. Flooded with raw sensitivity, Jasper’s hips instinctively jerked back, and her legs quivered a bit.

It was so unhindered. Pleasure was buzzing around in Jasper’s abdomen, getting tighter and tighter. Almost like a coil that would burst, or a wave waiting to crash onto the shore.

She was so close.

And, almost as if Garnet could sense it, she tongued back Jasper’s hood to catch onto her clit again, suckling gently enough that it wasn’t painful, but being hard enough that the Quartz screamed.

“AAHHH--! GARNET!!” The moment the name accidentally left her lips, she felt the coil burst.

With an unbridled force, her legs pushed back mercilessly on Garnet’s back, forcing her mouth off her so she could ride her orgasm without overstimulation. Even though nothing was inside her, Jasper felt her entire core clench, moaning over the reassurance that Lapis wasn’t inside.

Instead, she independently ravished her climax all by herself, a sloppy smile spread over her face as her eyes squeezed shut and her hips jerked with a twitch of spasming pleasure.

When it finally faded, it left Jasper with a warm and fulfilled feeling, rather than a vile emptiness. Gasping on heavy pants, her legs finally fell limply off Garnet’s back, and Jasper slouched into the couch with her lingering smile. Basking in the mere afterglow felt like a victory, like she was a champion standing on a conquered battlefield. Yet, it felt better than any war she’d won.

“Did it feel good…?” Garnet softly spoke up, and Jasper rolled her head down to meet her eyes, still wearing that silly smile.

“It felt like joy. It felt like _victory_.” The Quartz lovingly slurred back, transparent with her surge of confidence from it. From the first sexual step she has taken without Lapis.

This was _her_ body. Lapis didn’t own it. Lapis didn’t _control_ it.

This barn was a place Jasper reclaimed herself. And nothing could ruin that for her; she took back what Lapis had stolen from her, and while it was a long way from being her final step of recovery, it was still a milestone Jasper felt oddly proud about.

Perhaps a little too distracted, Jasper was swimming in her lingering afterglow too deeply that she failed to notice Garnet’s head turned attentively quick towards the entrance, as if she heard a noise that the Quartz missed in her haze.

“ _Jasper_?!”

With half-lidded eyes fluttering open at the haunting familiar voice, Jasper instinctively looked over towards the direction of that all-too-commanding voice, and saw a sway of blue standing dead center in the barn’s entrance.

Lapis wore the most disgusted, enraged expression Jasper had ever seen her with. She heard Jasper call Garnet’s name from outside. She saw that enraptured smile on her face while she soaked in her afterglow.

She knew what had happened. She knew Jasper had fallen out of the conditioning she had spent over a year training her to.

Just faintly, Jasper swallowed back a wash of paralyzing fear, still coming to terms with how this was real and not some sort of flashback, and watched with a hard drop in her stomach as Lapis’ hands lividly clenched.

And all that ancient conditioning and fear of what usually followed Lapis’ rage came flooding back to Jasper, and her terrified submission immediately surfaced.

The Quartz nearly jumped in her seat, and a punishing pain drained the afterglow from her body. Suddenly, her skin was hot and clammy, and she quickly pulled her legs to her chest in self-defense just as Garnet pushed herself out from them, standing and taking a protective step in front of the couch. But Jasper’s eyes weren’t on Garnet; they were on the seething gem staring her dead in the eyes, waiting for Jasper to acknowledge her in that broken, empty voice.

“La… Lapis…?” With the most pitiful spark of disbelief in her eyes, Jasper whimpered with more presence than Lapis liked. But Jasper was too overwhelmed to even notice, watching the blue gem’s appalled face standing so still that it could’ve been a picture. Everything was in a standstill except her billowing azure skirt, fluttering in the wind fast and wild.

Garnet summoned her gauntlets defensively, and took an offensive stance. But before she could pierce the veil of silence over the barn, Lapis beat her to it first.

“YOU DIRTY FUCKING _WHORE_!!”

The moment those words hit Jasper’s ears, her mind dipped numbly out of awareness. A whore.

The very word made her want to vomit. Violently, her stomach twisted in repulsion, and a sharp ache was already punishing Jasper between her legs. With a choked-back sob, she tightly squeezed them together, hating how instinctive and familiar the sensation was.

“YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS FOR FUCKING _ANYONE_ , DON’T YOU!?” This time, as if completely disregarding the gem protectively standing in front of Jasper, Lapis took a few commanding steps towards the couch, only to be stopped by Garnet taking an aggressive step of her own. Nevertheless, Jasper stuttered out a pained whimper, feeling her own self-disgust crawl under her skin. She really did feel like a dirty whore.

“What do you think you’re doing here, Lapis!?” Although Garnet’s voice misleadingly sounded composed, both of the other gems heard her own rage beneath it.

Bitterly, Lapis turned her attention to Garnet, hatred swimming in her dark navy eyes.

“What am _I_ doing here!? I _live_ here!! You said to never come in contact with Jasper again, so you think I had many places to go??” Although Lapis had her attention to Garnet, Jasper felt a terrorizing shudder under her skin as the pieces fell into place.

That’s why the blood was cleaned up. That’s why everything seemed oddly different. That’s why Jasper remembered the couch being in the corner, not against the wall.

Lapis has been living here the last few months without Jasper. All those fifty-six days where the Quartz had no clue where she was, and was able to momentarily forget any places she might’ve gone, Lapis has been here. In the last place she remembered feeling empowered.

The old creaky barn where she first raped Jasper.

“You gave me the impression you were leaving the planet. Why are you _here_!?”

Lapis rolled her eyes at Garnet’s question, hating how Garnet was the buffer to her rage against Jasper. If she wasn't here, Lapis would've had Jasper pinned, lashing out in hatred to Jasper’s progress without her. It was like that power she once had over her was fading, leaving nothing more but the residue of memories behind.

“I'm still looking. I can leave whenever I want; you only told me to stay away from Jasper, remember?” Finding a home away from this planet was hard enough as it is, and Lapis wasn't going to go anywhere without water. Plus, leaving by herself was a painful reality to accept; but, Lapis didn't have full intentions on leaving alone.

With a deep breath, she swallowed back her rage with Jasper, and prepared to put on her act. If it hadn't been for finding her former prisoner fucking the very gem that took everything away from Lapis, she wouldn't have screamed.

“Well, since it was _you_ who brought her to _me_ , I'd like to speak to Jasper. Alone.”

Garnet took another aggressive step, clenching her teeth. Faintly, she heard Jasper sob behind her, as if Garnet would've agreed to leave them alone.

“Not happening. I'll be taking Jasper back; you don't deserve to say a fucking _word_ to her.”

Those dark navy eyes narrowed, and she cocked her head over to the Quartz. “Hm. Wouldn't you want to make your own decisions, Jasper? Wouldn't you like to speak to me again…?”

Shuddering, Jasper bit into her lip, dropping her eyes to her lap so she wouldn't have to meet Lapis’. “I-I… I just…”

“Jasper, don't talk to her--”

“Oh? So now _you're_ the one who tells her what to do?” The water gem cut in, folding her arms over her chest while she barely shot a glance over to Garnet. Even while looking her way, her face was turned to the shivering Quartz.

“At least _I_ look out for her best interests. You think she's fit to handle herself after the way you left her? Don't you dare take the fucking high road, Lapis.”

Scoffing, the blue gem took another step, and Garnet tensed to show she wasn't above jumping to a fight.

“‘ _Her best interests_ ’? Oo, I bet she _loves_ when you pretend to care.”

Jasper barely stifled another sob, not wanting any attention drawn to herself, and meekly reached for her underwear and sweatpants. It was mainly just to have something to distract herself from Lapis’ piercing words. Something to cover herself from them.

“Pretend to care?!? I let her know she _matters_. I treat her like an actual gem, not some fucking toy.”

Both of them heard an audible sigh from Jasper, half-heartedly pulling her underwear and pants on with a bit of comfort dulling the edge of her anxiety.

And that comfort was noticed.

Lapis clicked her tongue, with a teasing smirk thrown the Quartz’s way. “Oh? Is that what she says to get you to spread your legs for her, Jasper? Bet that _really_ gets your cunt wet.”

“STOP TALKING TO HER!” Garnet just barely warned, stifling the urge to throw a punch.

Without even acknowledging her words, Jasper’s eyes dulled out a bit, losing that vibrant golden hue that Lapis hated seeing. And that dehumanizing fade made Lapis’ stomach buzz with power, almost to the point of borderline arousal. She was half-tempted to shapeshift her member underneath her skirt just to show it, too.

“Don't you miss being with me? It didn't take those little lies to get you to stay; all it took was putting you in your place. Didn't you like that authority? Didn't you like how _happy_ you made me…?” Speaking with a soft deceptive edge, Lapis tried to nuzzle her way back into Jasper’s favor. With a blank stare, Jasper blinked, and a handful of tears beaded out onto her lashes like scattered raindrops, plentiful and thick.

Punishment and then reward. Hurt and then comfort. Lapis knew her false sweetness is irresistible after insults or scoldings, and Jasper would be inclined to agree and comply just so Lapis wouldn't go back to her demeaning comments. But before Jasper could take the bait, Garnet cut in again.

“I SAID, _DON’T_ _TALK TO HER_.” This time, Garnet closed the distance between them, and towered over the smaller gem. Lapis lazily rolled her eyes up to her, unaffected.

“Why don't you let Jasper speak for herself, Garnet? How about you ask her if she'll like to speak to me alone?” Another little glance was given to Jasper, and Lapis held a saccharine smile. “It's been so lonely these last couple months, and I couldn't stop thinking about you. There's so much I'd like to talk to you about, Jasper.”

An obedient haze filmed over Jasper’s judgment, and she hastily responded.

“L-Lapis I-I… I’d like to speak with you too--”

“NO!!”

Interrupting the Quartz, Garnet charged forwards and grabbed a handful of fabric, pulling Lapis in by the slack of her top. In genuine surprise, she yelped, and that hurt noise lured out some old feelings in Jasper. Shakily, she rose to her feet.

“GARNET DON’T! I-I wanna talk to her!!” Immediately, Garnet threw a look over her shoulder to the Quartz, and the sheer rage Jasper saw in her eyes only encouraged her inclination towards Lapis.

“Jasper, no. She'll say anything to get you back.” Although those seething words were supposed to be reason against listening to Lapis, Jasper took them as evidence that she really did matter to the water gem. Regardless if it was in some sick, twisted way. The very idea shouldn't have put a pitiful smile on her face, but it did.

Garnet noticed, and her stomach sweltered in sorrow that Jasper was falling for the trick so easily. Turning back to Lapis, she bore her glare into her like fire, and her grip noticeably tightened. “I should just poof you right now--”

“N-no! Let go of me!! Y-you're hurting me…” with misleadingly sensitive eyes, Lapis huffed in mock pain, and beggingly looked at the Quartz. “J-Jasper…?”

An ancient feeling curled in Jasper’s abdomen, somewhere crossed between an old memory of Lapis and a lost part of herself. “Garnet, _please_. Let her go, and… And I'll leave with you. I-I won't ask to speak to her again.”

It felt like something was crumbling inside Jasper. It felt like falling back-first into a hole she thought she had climbed out of.

And when Garnet glanced at her once more, she saw it too, and shivered in disturbance to the dullness in Jasper’s eyes. Just like the first day she freed her from her bubble.

With a hard swallow, she masked her hatred for Lapis over with her concern for Jasper; the Quartz was her top priority, and it should've been her job to take her away from here the second Lapis stormed in calling her a dirty whore.

Defeated, a broken sigh barely made it past her lips, and she lowered Lapis to the floor. Making a show of it, the water gem failed to stand on her own, and purposely collapsed onto the floor, further enticing Jasper’s sympathy.

There was another overly sweet smile tossed to the Quartz, with Lapis cooing her gratitude. “Th-thank you, Jasper--”

“Stop. Just… _stop_.” Garnet begged in exhaustion, stepping over to Jasper and catching hold of her trembling hand. She expected it to feel sweaty and clammy, but instead her skin felt ice cold.

“Come on, Jasper…” With a slight tug, she guided the Quartz out, pretending not to notice her dull eyes water in heartbreak to leaving Lapis.

Jasper’s head felt empty, and her thoughts clung to the last words Lapis said. With every blink of her eyes, they seemed less and less golden. With every step away from the barn, she seemed more and more hollow.

Every ounce of herself Garnet helped Jasper recover was withering away. She looked as blank and submissive as the day Garnet saved her.

Fifty-six.

Fifty-six whole days of progress.

And Lapis destroyed it just by showing up.

 

 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

Jasper didn't say a word the whole day.

She didn't read her books, or play with the cats. She didn't jump to her feet when Amethyst and Peridot came home. She didn't look over when Pearl praised her for doing most of the laundry while she was gone.

Instead, she sat on the floor, leaning against the couch staring blankly at her lap. Every half an hour, Garnet would ask if she was okay. Half the time she wouldn't reply. The other half she would start sobbing.

If Garnet touched her, she recoiled.

If she heard her name, she winced.

It got to the point where Garnet instructed everyone in the house to ignore her. Don't say Jasper’s name, and don't address her. But after a few hours she had to take more extreme measures.

She sent Steven to spend a few nights with his dad. She told Amethyst to hang out with Peridot on the beach away from Jasper, because Peridot just wouldn't stop staring and tearing up. Eventually, she even made up a grocery list just to send Pearl to the store, because the pale gem kept whispering hushed questions and concerns in Garnet’s ear, and Jasper was beginning to notice.

One of the cats got curious. It could've been Puma, but it could've also been Joy; Garnet couldn't tell them all apart. Playfully, the cat bounced over to Jasper, and began pawing and kneading her hair.

At first, the Quartz didn't even seem to notice, but Garnet watched on from the kitchen anyways. Eventually, her head slowly rolling over to face the cat, and a trembling little smile stretched on her lips. A massive hand extended out, and she gently stroked the cat down it’s back.

As if she had been holding her breath during the entirety of the exchange, Garnet sighed out in absolute relief. She's still responsive.

Today may have been a huge setback in her progress, but Jasper wasn’t empty and blank like Garnet had thought. And that was good enough for her.

By the next morning, she was speaking again. Amethyst and Pearl were out, and Peridot and Garnet were the only ones left at the house with Jasper. It was Peridot who decided to approach her.

Overnight, the kitten had fallen asleep on Jasper’s lap, with the Quartz still absentmindedly stroking down its back. Meekly, Peridot sank down and sat next to her, leaning over to peek at Jasper’s downcast eyes fixed on the cat.

“Did you know you're Joy’s favorite?” Although Peridot hardly ever spoke with the Quartz in general, she maintained a surprisingly casual tone. And just barely, Jasper's head turned her way, and she gave a slow blink of her eyes.

“I am?” Her deep voice cracked from its lack of use, but it was surprisingly stable.

Hastily, Peridot nodded.

“She's usually standoffish. And she _never_ likes sleeping in my lap.”

Jasper offered her a weak smile. “Maybe she just likes how warm my thighs are.”

Peridot smiled back, with a bit of jest. “Or how long your hair is. She loves to play with hair.”

Ever so softly, Jasper chuckled, low and genuine. “Playing with long hair is nice. I can't blame her.”

With her free hand, Jasper tangled her digits into her beige locks, and carefully spun her hair around her fingers. Personally, the Quartz really liked her own hair. She couldn't even recall Lapis ever saying something bad about it.

“...Did Joy like her?” Darkly, Jasper took a deep breath and untangled her fingers, downplaying the weight of the question.

“W-what?” Peridot stuttered, obvious confusion cocking her head to the side. The statement was too out of context in the middle of their light-hearted conversation.

“Lapis. Did Joy like Lapis?” With premature hurt filling up her irises, Jasper darted her eyes down at the cat asleep in her lap, and then up at the smaller gem.

Peridot swallowed, but answered truthfully. “At first, all the cats did. But she always ignored them, and eventually they did the same back to her.”

She watched the corners of Jasper’s lips barely twitch into a frown, and knit her brow in sympathy. “They like affection, Jasper. And that was something Lapis never gave them. It took awhile, but then they learned to stop going to her for it.”

The words had a deeper meaning, and they both knew it. Jasper’s fingers began to tremble, and she retreated her hands away from the cat so it wouldn't wake Joy.

“But what if she would've started…? What if all it took was them going back to her one more time to get it?”

Somberly, Peridot gave a little shake of her head, and pushed up on her visor nervously. “Why would they bother trying to get affection from her when they knew they could easily get it from anyone else in the house?”

Jasper’s voice lowered, as if she was losing strength to speak. “Because maybe they would’ve wanted her to care. Maybe they would've wanted her to feel bad for never giving them affection before.”

“Why would they spend a second thinking that when they could be in my lap? Or in Garnet’s arms? Or with practically anyone in the house who would’ve treated them kindly?”

With a shuddering huff, Jasper blinked her watery eyes a few times, squeezing a single teardrop to fall onto Joy’s back and stick perfectly to her silver fur, like morning dew on a leaf. If she had a nose, perhaps she would've sniveled.

“M-maybe that's so, since they started out liking her…” dragging her golden eyes up, Peridot’s lip trembled just from seeing such deep hurt in Jasper's eyes. “...But, what if they started out _loving_ her? Th-then what would they've done…?”

Peridot heard Garnet take a few approaching steps, preparing to intervene now that the conversation was turning too far south. But the small gem was fast and fervent in her response, confident despite her own waver sliding into her voice and tears watering her eyes.

“That just depends, Jasper. Did she ever give them a good reason to love her?”

Finally, her last scintilla of composure snapped, and Jasper broke out a soft, painful sob. Before Peridot knew it, two hands snaked under her arms, and Garnet was lifting her up and away, taking her to the kitchen.

Just faintly from the heartbroken cries, Garnet pulled Peridot up to rest her chin on her shoulder, whispering into her ear just before she set her down.

“Thanks. She needed to hear that.”

With that, she lowered the smaller gem to the ground, before hurrying over to console the Quartz.

Jasper’s progress had been halted.

But despite Garnet’s initial thoughts, it was never destroyed.

 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

 

The next day, she was finally up and about.

But Garnet knew something was off.

There was something weird in her movements, and noticeable in her tone; like an uncanny valley imitation of life, or a moving statue pretending to be real.

When Jasper was alone in the bathroom reapplying her eyeliner (she's unable to alter her appearance to give herself some, and she likes it too much to just give it up), Garnet finally decided to question her on it, intruding in and slamming the door shut behind her to ensure privacy.

Unnerved and startled, the thin brush slipped from the Quartz’s clumsy fingers, and made a few tinks as it hit the sink’s ceramic. With a frown and a crooked line of eyeliner straying from her left wing, Jasper locked eyes with Garnet through the mirror, not bothering to turn around, nor reaching to collect what she’s dropped.

“Why’d you close the door?” Although her question was stable, Garnet still made out a sudden glint of fear in her golden eyes, as if Garnet had shut the door behind her to do something bad to Jasper. No amount of trust will ever truly dissipate the lurking fear Jasper had of one of her friends cornering her, just to try and throw her onto the ground and force their way with her. None of them ever gave her a reason to think they would, but it was still a haunting idea whenever someone felt the need to have privacy with her.

“I’d like to talk. I would've the other day, but you weren’t in the best shape.”

With a huff, Jasper licked the tip of her index finger, and leaned towards the mirror to smudge away the stray line of eyeliner on herself. “I'm fine. We don't need to talk. I just-- I-I just needed to rethink.”

Sympathetic over Jasper dismissing the pain of seeing Lapis again, Garnet frowned.

“You know she was lying, right…?”

Pulling back from the mirror with a clean sharp wing in place of the previous line, Jasper shot a glare over her shoulder at Garnet. She wasn't sure if it was the eyeliner or the irritation that made Jasper’s eyes look so sharp.

“Lying about _what_?”

Taken aback by the misplaced aggression Jasper had, Garnet swallowed nervously, and offered a hand onto her shoulder comfortingly.

“About everything. Calling you a whore, saying she missed you--”

“How'd you know she didn't??” Jasper shot back, desperately holding onto anything that made her feel like she mattered to Lapis. Anything that made her believe Lapis had spared just a single thought over her since she's left.

Garnet’s hand fell off from her shoulder, and her frown started looking a little irritated herself. But not at Jasper; it was at Lapis, and how deeply she could drill herself into Jasper’s mind over a single conversation.

“Even if she did, do you really think listening to what she had to say would change anything? You have to move on, Jasper--”

“I _can’t_. I tried, I failed, and I found out I _can’t_.” Her eyes were dropped down, but Garnet still heard it in Jasper’s tone. The place where the aggression was coming from.

Jasper was angry at herself.

She was angry that she couldn’t move on.

Atop the ceramic rim of the sink, Jasper’s palms gripped in, leaning over with a handful of hesitant breaths to catch herself. Her mantra came into her mind a few times, and each time she dismissed it. Putting it on her lips would only feel like lying to herself.

“I just… thought that maybe, she might've at least told me why.”

Slightly, Garnet creased her brow, and cocked her head to the side. “Why what...?”

Jasper swallowed, and her fingers dug into the hard edge of the sink. If it wasn't for the immense surge of grief she was trying to suppress, she would've cracked it.

“Why she did it. Why she did _all those things to me_ \--” with a hoarse hiccup, Jasper suddenly pulled her hands back to avoid breaking the sink, and the sudden withdrawal shook it so badly that the eyeliner cap balance on the rim came rolling into the bowl to join its counterpart.

“I-I know it wasn't revenge, I treated her rough when we got to Earth but that wasn't it-- and, I know it wasn't because of Steven, because after I submitted to your cause she still continued what she started in Malachite--” those fingers started digging into the hem of her sweater, and Garnet knew what was coming. “A-and it wasn't because of the war, I didn’t even know her then-- and it wasn't because I was disobedient, I-I always did what she told me to do…”

Before Jasper could heave in another harrowing draw of air to continue, Garnet wrapped her arms around her large waist from behind, and pulled her in close against her body. Although she was too short to rest her head on Jasper’s shoulder, she settled for pressing her cheek against the Quartz’s wild locks of hair, sinking in so deeply that Jasper could feel her even through her thick sweater.

There was a single, heavy huff of pain when she finally spoke again.

“W-was it just because I-I was… _easy_? Because she knew I'd listen, because she knew no one would believe me… was that it?! She could've done it to _anyone_ else, but she did it to _me_.” Finally, Garnet quietly intervene, albeit without a comfort and more so an explanation.

“Did you think there had to be a reason she did all this to you? Something you could've changed so that she wouldn't have done it…?” Although the questions warranted no answer, they explained themselves from Jasper’s own words. All these terrible things didn't _have_ to happen to Jasper; it could've been anyone, and Lapis wouldn't have treated them any better. And that itself was one of the most painful realities of them all: that this was all just bad luck. Nothing Jasper did was the root cause of Lapis’ rage against her; she needed a prisoner, and Jasper was the first one the fell into a vulnerable position for her. And Garnet didn't like to dwell on what could've happened if it wasn't Jasper she picked.

But in her distraught state, Jasper did. And that confession came rolling off her tongue like waves slamming into a battered beach, unstoppable in force until it's finally released.

“I-It's so sick Garnet, but… B-but sometimes I wish it wasn't me she picked. Sometimes I wish she would've picked Peridot, or Pearl, or just _anyone_ who isn't me. H-how fucked up is that…? That I would wish this on someone else just so it wouldn't have to be _me_???”

Jasper’s stomach-churning words sparked a protective flame of rage inside Garnet, almost enticing her snap that she shouldn't wish someone like Pearl or Peridot should've gone through it instead of her; after all, Jasper is a callous warrior, so surely she is the most capable of handling a trauma like this--

The thoughts stopped in Garnet’s head, and her heart sank.

No. That was a toxic way of thinking.

She shouldn't be deciding who would've handled the trauma better. Nobody should've been in a better or worse position to heal from it; it was torture. It was rape. It was something that wouldn't let the victim ever be themselves again.

And it left Jasper so broken-down and weak that she would've wished for anything that meant she didn't have to go through it. Even if it was as vile as wishing it on someone else.

Like her guilt and self-disgust was physical, Garnet’s skin ridged with goosebumps, and she visibly shuddered. Even Jasper could feel it through her hair and sweater, and she winced as if Garnet’s recoil was over her nefarious, twisted words.

But that wasn't why Garnet shuddered. She shuddered in disgust with herself that she was momentarily enraged that Jasper confessed it was too much for her to go through, too much that she would've wished it was someone else.

But she can't be upset for a second at Jasper.

It was Lapis. Lapis is the root of that hurt, heartbroken confess. She was the one who drove Jasper into that delirious mindset.

She was the one Garnet should be enraged at.

And then she heard it.

The choked cry in the back of Jasper’s throat, the hesitant huff of air. The very start of a ‘I'm sorry’ on her trembling lips, apologizing for something that wasn't her fault.

But before Garnet dare let those words leave Jasper’s lips, she squeezed in her embrace to show she wasn't mad. She nuzzled into her back to show she still had her affections.

“You never deserved it, Jasper. You never deserved feeling so broken that you thought of someone else going through it instead of you.”

Despite the comfort, the Quartz whimpered.

“Th-that doesn't make things better. Lapis thought that I did, and I-I just want her to tell me _why_ \--”

“Stop it. Stop thinking about her, stop thinking that what she wanted to say would have actually _mattered_.”

With a choke, Jasper pulled back a bit, pressing against the sink to distance herself from Garnet.

“But it _does_. Why can't she just tell me that?? After all that's happened, can't she just at least tell me _why_?!?” Garnet could see her eyes through the mirror as she spoke, but Jasper wasn't meeting hers. Her head was down and her voice was strained, locking her gaze onto the eyeliner stick and cap still sitting at the bottom of the bowl.

Complying with Jasper’s desire of no contact, Garnet unraveled herself from her, and took a generous step back before crossing her arms.

“Stop looking for an explanation. _Please_ , Jasper. You're not going to find one.” The desperate edge in Garnet’s voice almost match Jasper’s own, but they both were desperate for different things. Jasper wanted Lapis to give her a reason she did so many terrible things to her, and Garnet wanted her to realize there wasn't one.

But Jasper couldn't bring herself to imagine she suffered so much for absolutely nothing.

“ _NO_!! SHE HAD A REASON!! DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME SHE DIDN’T!!!”

Without even recollecting her eyeliner from the sink, Jasper turned harshly, and stormed out from the bathroom, loudly slamming the door behind her. With a gasp, Garnet hastily open the door and followed, barely grabbing onto Jasper’s arm just as she stepped up onto the warp pad.

“JASPER!! What are you doing?!?”

When the Quartz turn over to face her, her sharp eyes had a strong golden spark under them. Determined.

“I'm going out. I want to be left _alone_.” The words were gilded, and Garnet heard that misplaced aggression under them again. But before she could insist that she'll be the one to leave, just so the Quartz could stay at the house instead of wandering off, Jasper was already tugging her arm away.

And with nothing but a warning glare, wordlessly commanding not to find her until she's ready to come back on her own, Jasper warped herself away, off somewhere where she could find a reason for what had happened to her.

Off to finally hear what Lapis had to say to her.

 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

 

Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea.

Maybe in her soft rage did Jasper think this was a good idea, but as she hid against the wall aside from the barn’s entrance, fear started to devour what little fiery anger she had.

But she came out for an explanation. That had to be what Lapis was going to give her, right…?

Shifting her weight quietly against the wall, Jasper chewed up her bottom lip in debate. The last ten minutes of hiding outside the barn had done nothing to sway her decision; she really did want an answer. And perhaps, if it wasn’t for the dreaded fear of seeing Lapis, she would’ve already have gone inside.

Releasing her raw lip, she huffed out a defeated sigh. It felt stupid of her to actually think this would work. She might as well just head back now, and apologize to Garnet for getting so defensive and out of hand over nothing--

“You’re welcome to actually come inside, Jasper.” The overly casual voice that acknowledged the Quartz from within the barn still set a drop of pain into her stomach, and she indirectly winced despite Lapis’ voice sounding quite pleasant.

“Huh??” Nervously, Jasper inched over and peeked inside, meeting the darker interior of the barn and waiting for her eyes to adjust to make something out.

“You’re quite loud when you walk. You didn’t think I’d hear you coming here?” The water gem supplied, with Jasper’s eyes barely straining to make out the lithe gem lounging casually on the couch, with a soft smile and bedroom eyes as if Jasper had woken her with her heavy footsteps.

With another curl of pain in her gut, Jasper’s jaw tightened. She hasn’t been able to sleep since leaving Lapis, but the water gem has no hinders drifting off. Did she not ever think about Jasper? About what she _did…_?

With a lighthearted, careless laugh, Lapis straightened up a bit before softly gesturing for Jasper to come over. Every little smile and bat of her lashes was a calculated routine, too smooth to find a flaw in. But nothing genuine is ever that flawless.

An odd comfort mingled with the memories tearing up Jasper’s insides, and the pain in her abdomen almost wanted to melt at the doting behavior Lapis had. And, as if forgetting the livid rage she held against Jasper for fucking Garnet, the Quartz nervously padded up inside to oblige to Lapis’ gesture.

The space inside her head was bouncing with a horrid mix of old memories telling Jasper to be afraid, and new memories telling Jasper that there was no point in being once bitten and twice shy. It left her with a dumbfounded look, unable to grab onto any words in her throat, and enticing another amused giggle from Lapis.

“I’m glad to see you again, Jasper. I was worried my little outburst had scared you off,” the words were sickeningly sweet, with rotten sugar coating each syllable. There was a crease in Lapis’ brow, but her delicate smile stayed painted on her face like a statue as she cocked her head to the side. “You understand, don’t you? I didn’t mean to get so angry, I just don’t like seeing you with someone else.”

Blankly, Jasper opened her mouth, but no words came out. She wanted to say yes, that she understood, that she forgave her. But something held those words down in her throat, and the Quartz ended up swallowing an unease mouthful of air so she didn’t choke. The bubble of lost words sank down her esophagus like a weight, and once they hit her stomach she felt nauseous.

Another bat of Lapis’ lashes. Another forced, sweet little giggle. Another round of false little actions to make her act more believable.

“Garnet’s not with you, is she…? It hurts that she wants to keep me from seeing you. I’ve missed you so much, Jasper…” With a little roll of her eyes to the entrance behind the Quartz, searching to find any shadows to suggest there was someone to foil Lapis’ act, the water gem sighed in relief when she realized Jasper came alone.

“You… You called me a whore.” The words were almost silent, but Lapis still heard them. But Jasper spoke so softly that she couldn’t analyze her meaning or tone very well.

“What was that…?” Although she kept her voice soft and her smile still, Lapis carried a subtle force under her tone that she hoped would land. Some ancient part of Jasper will remember that little tonal shift as a warning, and Lapis noticed the unspoken threat was received once the Quartz’s shoulders instinctively jumped, and her eyes dropped to the floor.

But to Lapis’ surprise, Jasper continued instead of apologizing.

“That was the first thing you said upon seeing me again. You called me a whore.”

That sweet little smile dropped, and Lapis swallowed back the rise of rage churning within her. But in only took her a moment to decide a slight dose of anger will break Jasper’s attitude down again, and she released her soft tone to speak in that cruel, cold voice that Jasper remembers so vividly.

“Are you trying to say you’re _not_?? I don’t know what else to call a gem that’ll fuck the first thing that acknowledges her.” Sharply, Lapis stood up, and despite Jasper being the taller one, the Quartz still felt like Lapis was towering above her. Without even noticing, Jasper slouched into herself with a pitiful whimper, and a familiar numbness settled over her.

“She was the first gem you saw outside your bubble, was she not? I know you must’ve really missed my dick, but I thought you would’ve had more self-respect than _fucking the gem that took you away from me_.”

Just faintly, Lapis heard a sob. Jasper’s shoulders were trembling, and the water gem felt a twisted smirk on her lips that the Quartz was remembering her place again.

“Aww, don’t start crying, Jasper. You won’t have to ever fuck her again; that’s why you came here, right? To be with me instead of her…?” With that irresistible drop of affection to lure the Quartz into compliance, Lapis took a step towards her, and Jasper’s eyes shot up to meet hers in a heartbeat.

Her eyes were still golden. As bright as the sun.

“ _N-no_. I came for an _explanation_. I want to know why you did it.” With firm, reinforced words, Jasper stripped off her meek appearance. Lapis doesn’t get to do this to her. An old part of her was tempted to fall back into the routine, but Jasper resisted those ancient feelings. She was more than what Lapis made her into, and she wasn’t going to let the past hold her back.

Narrowing her navy eyes in annoyance, Lapis spat her words back like venom. “You came for a fucking _explanation_?? Are you really that dumb, or is that just your way of asking for me to throw you on the ground??”

A tearing pain clawed up the tenderness between Jasper’s legs, burning at the dark threat those words held. But with nothing more than an agonizing huff of air, Jasper squeezed her eyes shut, and stripped those words of power in her own head. Lapis can’t rape her; Garnet would poof her if she dared. The threat was empty.

Long and unusually steady, she released that painful draw of air from her lungs, and some of her anxiety rode her exhale out.

“Tell me why you hurt me, Lapis. That’s all I came here for.”

With a scoff, the water gem folded her arms, and shifted her weight onto her hip.

“No, it’s not. Don’t pretend we both don’t have ulterior motives here, Jasper.”

With a flinch at the unexpectedness of the response, the Quartz blinked twice in confusion. But Lapis quickly continued before she could recognize Jasper’s dumbfoundedness at her words.

“You just want to feel strong again. Malachite, right?? Well here, I’ll make you a little deal,” those dark navy eyes glinted with a spark, before raising to meet Jasper’s without hesitation. “Garnet wasn’t wrong when she said I’m looking for another planet. I’ve been taking trips to different star systems these last few months, and I think I’ve finally found the perfect place…”

The completely off-topic information baffled Jasper, and she left her mouth agape as if she was fumbling for the proper words to make sense of what Lapis was saying.

“What are you talking about, Lapis…?”

A smirk stretched over the water gem’s face, and her eyes lit up.

“I’m saying we should run away, Jasper. Fuse with me and I’ll fly us there, and we won’t ever have to come back. You can have Malachite for a few hours at the end of every day, and in exchange I get to have you back. It’ll be better than how it was before.”

Jasper’s heart dropped. “Y-you mean… be your _prisoner_ again…?”

That sharp smirk on Lapis’ face melted into a much softer smile, but there was a genuine edge to it. Although it no longer seemed fake, the haunting transparency gave off an ethereal aura, making the Quartz’s stomach twist up the longer she kept staring at her.

“It won’t be so bad. All you gotta do is wear a few water chains, just like you used to. And every now and again, I might nudge you back into place if you get out of hand, but it won’t be anything worse than you’ve already been through…”

Jasper never thought she would hear such a watered-down statement, drowned in sugar to thicken the words and leaving a sticky taste in Jasper’s mouth once Lapis as done talking. It took a few seconds before she realized the taste was bile; she wanted to throw up at how Lapis described it. A ‘nudge’.

She meant torture. She meant _rape_. If Lapis wanted the connotation of a nudge, then the backdrop of her words suggested a slam to the ground.

It was like calling a hurricane a cloudy day. Jasper bit into her lip just to keep a heart-broken gasp down her throat.

When she finally managed to reply, her strength roared in her voice. Jasper’s words were quivering, but she screamed them with all the power in her body.

“ _NO_!! I WILL _NEVER_ LET YOU DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!!!” Like a reminder of the almighty Quartz that was still inside Jasper, her fists clenched white and her body tensed with the surge of rage. A buzzing sensation trilled through her bones, up and down them, tingling in her joints. The numbness was long gone; Jasper could feel every individual nerve in her body scream in remorse to being Lapis’ prisoner again.

As if actually scared, Lapis gasped and stumbled back, arms unfolded and held out in front of her defensively. With wide eyes and open palms facing the Quartz, she nearly forgot her cruel demeanor in favor of momentary fear. But in mere seconds, that moment was over, and her expression twisted in a rage of its own.

“WHO THE _FUCK_ DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO!? DO I HAVE TO _REMIND_ YOU OF YOUR PLACE!?!

Like a clip from a film, perfect and exact, Lapis’ hand gracefully raised, just beginning to twirl her fingers. But Jasper had seen that movement too many times to not know what was coming next, and she charged forward and seized Lapis’ hand into her own before she could summon her water chains from the kiddie pool.

The motion was too fast and too determined, and without even thinking too much on it Jasper clenched her fist and crushed Lapis’ tiny hand inside hers.

There was a scream.

Something warm seeped out between Jasper’s fist, and she didn’t need to look to know that it was blood. A burn of guilt tore through the Quartz’s entire body, and Jasper squeezed her eyes shut in remorse just so she wouldn’t have to see Lapis screaming at the top of her lungs in pain. Nevertheless, she still found some sick urge within her crushing in her fist further, clenching so tight that she felt a couple sharp stabs into her palm.

It was the shards of bone.

With a breathless sigh, Jasper finally released her grip, and the mangled hand that fell from her own was more red than blue. It wasn’t even in a shape that a hand should be in; none of the fingers were straight, and white peaks of bone were jutting out in random places. The moment it was released, Lapis caught it with her other hand, cradling it with a violent tremble as she stared in horror at her disfigured hand.

When Jasper finally opened her eyes, it took every power within her to not tear up at the sight. Instead, with a deep breath she took advantage of Lapis’ shock, and move to hold her other arm back from summoning her water in response. But the lithe gem startled, and stumbled back so fast she avoided Jasper’s hand in exchange for falling onto the ground. With a painful smack of her gemstone, Lapis fell back with a wince, not being allowed a single moment to recover herself when the powerful Quartz stepped up to straddle her tiny body, pinning her to prevent Lapis from rechaining her.

“I’m sorry... But, I had already told you. _You’re never doing that to me again_.”

Immediately, Lapis felt her eyes blur up with tears, but she wasn’t sure if it was from the pain of her mangled hand or the dark thoughts lurking in the back of her head of what Jasper just might do to her now. Yet, instead of blinking off the tears and sobbing for Jasper to not rape her, she gritted hard on her teeth and narrowed her navy eyes, refusing to be below the Quartz.

“So w-what then!?! _You_ want to do it instead??” She spat up at the Quartz, but Jasper’s brow knit.

And it only took a second before she realized Lapis assumed she intended on raping her. Another guilty drop burned instead her.

Hiding the little tremble on her lip, Jasper hastily shook her head, appalled.

“ _NO_!! I WILL _NEVER_ BE LIKE YOU. YOU’RE A _MONSTER_.”

Throwing back her head, Lapis laughed, and they both heard the huffs of pain in between her dark amusement.

“Of course you can't! You’re so _weak_ , Jasper…” Out the corner of her golden eyes, she saw Lapis’ other hand twitch in that fluid, calculated manner. “Then _here_ , allow me to show you how it's done...”

“ _\--NO_!!!!”

Before Lapis could conjure the chains and take her role as the one in power, Jasper defensively grabbed the fragile gem by her shoulders, and crushed in with all her might to stop what Lapis was threatening she’d do.

It was the only way to prevent Lapis from chaining her up again. It was the only defense Jasper had.

And it was a sudden poof of the body beneath her, vanishing from existence at the will of Jasper’s hands.

A little flicker of concern make Jasper’s heart jump, and she hastily caught the teardrop gem gently in her hands so that it wouldn’t hit the floor.

“La… _Lapis_ …? Oh stars, I-I didn’t mean to--”

Her skin was shivering, but her body felt like it was on fire with guilt.

She… poofed her.

She didn’t want to hurt Lapis.

Jasper started sobbing. She _really_ didn’t want to hurt Lapis. That momentary fear in the water gem’s eyes was enough of a punishment for Jasper’s panicked aggression, and the thought of crushing Lapis’ hand to stop the chains kept seizing Jasper’s stomach in nausea. Jasper didn't want to hurt her.

But, she gave her no choice.

Jasper was _never_ going to let Lapis do that to her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if that was the conclusion some of you guys wanted. The epilogue will be a short continuation, but it's not gonna do much if this chapter itself wasn't enjoyable. Idk, for whatever reason, i just... didn't feel happy with this chapter? I don't know entirely why. I personally felt like my tone got murky and repetitive after awhile, and i've just overall been worried if i could even make my readers happy with this. I just haven't been feeling real good about my writing as of late, and i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm sorry if it's noticeable in the story.
> 
> Sorry for the tangent. I still have motivation and ideas, trust me. I have full intentions on continuing my other three fics (even Thought I Could Leave You, despite my focus shifting away from it) but i just want to say i don't feel all that confident with my style as of late, so don't be surprised if it takes me awhile.
> 
> Well. Until tomorrow, i guess. I have no good reason to _not_ post the epilogue tomorrow, so if you guys don't see it up by tomorrow night, then feel free to yell at me.


	9. Honest (Alt Ending Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper has been trying to get an apology from Lapis for six months. But Lapis refuses to say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place six months after the last chapter.
> 
> //takes a deep breath  
> Okay, I know this is late, I'm always late, go ahead and yell at me. I'm just glad this trainwreck is done.
> 
>    
> [song ( _Honest_ by The Neighbourhood)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXjt5WFPgc)

A large hand tugged softly on Garnet’s sleeve, and she turned over from her conversation with Pearl to see Jasper home early.

“Oh? I didn’t hear you come in, I thought you were spending the day with Peridot and Amethyst?”

With a slight smile, Jasper folded her arms before responding, feeling the slight tightness of her t-shirt sleeves around her biceps.

“I was, but I’m not a fan of third-wheeling. Figured I’d come home early instead.”

Garnet smiled back; Jasper tries going out every now and again, but it’s obvious that she’s grown to Steven’s home. So much so that the gems even got Jasper her own bookshelf and bean bag chair (the extra-large variety, of course) right in the living room, since she doesn’t seem to mind lingering around there. Sometimes Amethyst might challenge her to a round of video games (to which Jasper never wins), or Pearl might ask if she wants to go grocery shopping with her (the Quartz can carry all the bags in with one trip), but at the end of the day, Jasper can always be found lounging peacefully back in her squishy chair and enjoying her newest book.

Pearl broke up Garnet’s comforting thoughts, snapping her back to the conversation.

“ _Well_ , since you’re home so early, perhaps you won’t mind helping clean up the house?” her request was in jest, knowing the Quartz never agrees. With a chuckle, Jasper leaned onto her hip.

“You wish. Besides, the place looks fine.” Without even looking towards the living room, Jasper knew it must’ve looked sparkling. Pearl never keeps it below par when she’s home.

Before the conversation could trail back to whatever Garnet and Pearl were talking about before Jasper showed up, the Quartz had her attention turned to the fusion, and her smile slightly weakened.

“Hey, do you think… I could talk to her today? J-just for a few hours. Don’t got much else to do.” The forced casualness in Jasper’s deep voice was transparent, and Garnet’s smile dropped when she finally realized why Jasper had come home earlier today. It was to talk to Lapis.

“I don’t have time to chaperone, Jasper. Maybe not today?” Although her words were soft, they had a subtle strain. It’s always painful watching the exchange between Jasper and Lapis, but Garnet didn’t fully trust Jasper alone with her.

Even though Lapis has been in her mirror. For the last six months.

When Jasper came home all those months ago, sobbing with Lapis’ gemstone in her hands, they knew they couldn’t just let her reform. Especially after Jasper told them what she just barely prevented from happening; if it wasn’t for the Crystal Gems' morals, they would’ve shattered Lapis’ gem. But instead, a much different resolution was decided upon.

It was Jasper who brought it up. She nearly dropped to her knees and begged; she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Lapis. Not until she gets an explanation for what she did-- or at the very least, an apology.

And the gems couldn’t deny that from her. Jasper deserved an apology. From Lapis herself.

But ever since they replaced the glass of her mirror and resealed her into her former prison, Lapis had gone silent. They could technically command her to communicate, and she would be forced to comply by the will of her prison, but none of them ever tried.

They wanted her to speak out of her own free will. But so far, she hasn’t. Jasper’s ‘chats’ with her are just one-sided conversations with an inanimate object at this point.

“ _Please_? I don’t need a chaperone, I promise. Plus, I haven’t gotten to speak to her this whole week.”

There was an arch of Garnet’s brow, but the other two gems barely saw it through her visor.

“Are you sure? You’re never in a good mood after you talk to her.” Despite her concern, Garnet’s caution was immediately disregarded.

“Yes, I’m sure!! I won't get emotional this time, I’m over it. Promise.”

The excite in Jasper’s words foretold she wasn’t going to stop pestering them until Garnet agrees. And with an exhausted sigh, she finally did. “Okay, fine. But just for a few hours. Pearl, could you bring Lapis out?”

The Quartz’s eyes lit up, and just as she turned her eyes over to Pearl, she saw her gemstone glowing as she summoned Lapis’ mirror from within the pocket dimension she stored her in. With a flash, the silver mirror fabricated, and Jasper reached out eagerly to catch it before one of the other gems could.

“Ah! Careful with her!!” Jasper barely heard the words coming from Pearl’s mouth; although ironically, she was probably the most careful with Lapis’ mirror. Already, she was cradling it in her palm, examining the mirror to ensure its flawless condition.

When she finished her little check-up, Jasper gave an endearing smile up at the other two gems.

“Thanks!! I’ll be in the Temple, I promise I won’t be more than a few hours!!”

She was already hurrying off to the Temple doors, barely looking over her shoulder as Garnet wished her good luck. But Garnet secretly wished Lapis doesn’t reply.

Good thing she never does, though.

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

“ _Come on_ , Lapis, just one word? _Please_?”

Resting on her stomach atop the stone ground of the Bubble Room, Jasper held the mirror up in one hand whilst her chin rested in the palm of her other. It’s probably been an hour, and the mirror was as silent and lifeless as always. Jasper bitterly sighed.

“Doesn't it get old giving me the silent treatment…? I know you're in there. I know you can _hear_ me.” Trying to agitate the water gem into replying, Jasper ran her thick fingers up and down the back of the mirror, sailing over Lapis’ gem again and again. So gentle, yet so persistent.

“It's been months, Lapis. Are you that upset about losing?? Or are you that unwilling to apologize???”

Like always, the mirror stayed as it was. Still. Cold. Empty.

The only thing Jasper saw in the glass was herself. It was completely devoid of the water gem, and sometimes a backwash of guilt asks Jasper if it's because she's in her old prison. Sometimes she wonders if it had traumatized Lapis into a blank silence, just like Lapis had done to her.

Blinking her eyes a few times to refocus, Jasper muted those disturbing thoughts. It can't be; Jasper always treated her with respect. Even if that respect was never earned.

“Lapis, I-I’m always nice. I never command you to talk to me. Don't you think that deserves a few words…?” Despite her promise to Garnet, Jasper’s lip softly trembled. But she couldn't help it; she knew someone inside that mirror was hearing her. Lapis would rather ignore Jasper for the rest of her existence than submit to her former prisoner and speak.

“J-just _one_ word?? You can call m-me a whore if you want. I won't tell Garnet.” Jasper knew Lapis had witnessed enough words to play back a reply through the glass if she wanted. The lines were even spoon-fed to her, just so Jasper could get a single reply.

But Lapis didn't respond.

A couple early tears beaded the corners of the Quartz’s lashes, and she couldn't remember if her eyeliner was waterproof or not. Before she could remember it was, she was already nuzzling the knuckle of her hand up against her eyes, trying to hide her tears in front of Lapis. As if Lapis was actually watching.

But sometimes Jasper feels like she doesn't. That she purposefully locked herself away deep into the mirror just so she wouldn't have to face her former prisoner.

“T-the other day, Garnet a-actually suggested I ought to just command you to apologize to me. I-is that what you want?? I’ve never forced you, Lapis. I’ve always left you to your own choices.” She hiccuped, and scratched a bit and her bottom lip, just to hold back the urge to bite it. “D-don't make me do it, Lapis… _Please_ , just say something and I won't have to...”

Jasper didn't care what Lapis said. Just one word. Just once speck of acknowledgment. In a way, that'll be apology enough.

A few moments passed. No response.

She gritted her teeth, and a tinge of familiar anger rose through her sorrow.

“Lapis, I didn't want to do this. But _you forced my hand_.”

Adjusting her grip, Jasper sat up with a huff and held the handle in both hands. They overlapped since the handle was small in comparison to her palms, but she kept a firm grasp nonetheless.

“I _command_ you to respond, Lapis.”

Suddenly, the glass in the mirror painful distorted, fuzzing over with reluctance and hesitation, murking up Jasper’s image in it. But the mirror was forcing Lapis to comply, whether she liked it or not.

As if she didn't actually expect it to work, Jasper’s mouth went agape and her eyes strained onto the fuzziness in the mirror. The edges kept fluctuating, and the shapes were too blurry to make out or decipher.

But Jasper held her breath in wait. In wait of the first acknowledgment Lapis had given her in six months.

The image sharpened, but it was dark and unclear for a few moments when it started playing.

And then, Jasper heard an ear-piercing scream.

_“Please, Lapis!! P-please just st-stop--”_

It’s was Jasper’s voice, but she wasn’t speaking. It was coming from the mirror.

The image was shaky, but the subject within the recording became clear within moments.

It was Jasper.

On her back. Screaming. Restained with glistening water chains and wearing the tatters of what looks to be her old uniform.

The image dipped slightly down, dark and unfocused, and she saw a blue appendage barely in frame, before it thrust forward. She watched it disappear within her own body, right between her legs.

A raw ache scorched up her abdomen in response to watching her own self be penetrated. The recording screamed again, but this time Jasper heard faint chuckling in the background.

The image stayed down. The thrusting kept going. Jasper heard herself cry out for mercy, and watched herself be ignored.

Like a sudden hit, the exact memories flooded into her skull, slamming in so fast that her head pounded with a headache. Jasper remembers this. She remembers going _through_ this.

Lapis was replaying one of her own rapes to her.

With a sudden urge to hurl, Jasper dropped the mirror onto it’s back and covered her mouth, leaning over on her other hand with her head dropped low. Although her eyes were squeezed shut, she still heard it. The wet slaps of hips, the stifled cries of pain.

_“Tell me-- ah-- you’re worthless.”_

_“I-I’m worthless--! I’m-- I’m worthless!!”_

Choking, Jasper swallowed a few painful gulps of air to hear her own voice say that, and moved her hands to cover her ears from the horrid noises. Fat tears pinched out from her lashes, and were already rolling halfway down her face when Jasper finally managed to speak up.

“STOP IT, LAPIS!! _MAKE IT STOP_!!!” Screaming over the recording didn’t stop the noises from faintly reaching her ears. They were muffled, and grotesquely distorted, but Jasper still made them out as the stumbled to her feet.

_“Aww, does it hurt, Jasper? Say it. Tell me-- ahh-- how it feels…”_

A louder slap was heard, and in more detail than Jasper wanted to remember, she recalled Lapis pulling herself out all the way, just to slam back in to the hilt. Matching the distorted recording, Jasper sobbed, hating how she could see it all play out in her head without looking into the mirror.

She already knew what was next. But before the recording could scream again, and gruesomely comply to Lapis’ command, Jasper stumbled to her feet and stepped up to where the mirror laid.

And, while sobbing in desperation to just get the recording to stop, Jasper slammed her foot down onto the mirror’s glass, cutting the blunt of her heel on impact.

The last noise was a sharp shatter, and then the room fell silent. Jasper destroyed the glass; without it, Lapis had no way to communicate from within the mirror.

But, somehow that knowledge didn't scare Jasper. With a stuttering sigh, soft with a few hiccuping sobs, Jasper finally collapsed onto her knees.

“Y-you couldn’t just say _sorry_ to me…?”

It wasn’t worth it. No apology Lapis could give her can ever justify what happened, but just the thought of the water gem feeling a bit bad was what made Jasper keep her faith. But… this was too much. Seeing that all over again wasn’t worth the chance of getting an apology; in fact, just thinking about the sick little memory Lapis replayed to her almost had Jasper wishing she would’ve broken the glass sooner. Lapis wasn’t going to apologize, and as long as Jasper gave her that line of communication to her, she wasn’t going to do anything but spitefully abuse it.

But it’s broken now.

And oddly enough, Jasper felt relieved she couldn’t talk to Lapis ever again.

 

\-------------------------------

 

“Hey, Garnet. I’m back.”

Her tone was too casual, and the Quartz hoped the remnants of her tears weren't noticeable on her face. She kept her eyes low, hiding their puffiness.

“Oh? You’re back early, that’s good--” The words died in Garnet’s throat once she turned around from the kitchen counter, and locked her eyes on the shattered mirror in Jasper’s hand. The teardrop gem itself was unharmed, but the entire front had been smashed into shards. “ _Stars_ , Jasper, what _happened_!??”

Startled, Jasper extended her hand out eagerly, prompting Garnet to take it away.

“S-she broke. I accidentally dropped her… I-I… I guess that means no more talks.”

Sympathetically, Garnet quickly set the mirror aside on the counter after finding the gem behind it unharmed, and she frowned in sorrow for Jasper’s lose.

“Ah, I’m sorry… Do you want me to ask Pearl to fix it? M-maybe we can get her working again by the end of the week, just in time for another talk--” Before her consolation can be received, Jasper bitterly smiled and hastily shook her head.

“No, that’s not necessary. I don’t think I’d need that… Just, do me a favor and-- a-and never give her to me again, alright? Even if I ask, j-just… _promise_ me you won’t let me see her again.”

Her deep voice was trembling. Garnet made a soft noise of hurt in response, genuinely upset at how fast Jasper was losing her composure.

“I-I promise, of course-- But are you okay, Jasper…?”

With a sigh on her lips, the Quartz was already turning to walk away, trying to convince herself to not give the mirror one last look.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

A hand grabbed onto her forearm, begging for her to stay, but Jasper flashed one last look over her shoulder to halt Garnet’s insistence.

With more sorrow than joy, Jasper’s eyes softened a bit, and she gave a weak little smile.

“Look, she finally _apologized_ , Garnet. I don’t need to talk to her again.”

The hand let go, baffled.

Jasper didn’t care that she was lying. She held her pitiful smile, transparent to them both, like a plea for Garnet to drop it. Like she was begging her to let it go, so Jasper can too.

“Lapis Lazuli _apologized_?? That’s…” Before she finished, Garnet gave a glance at Jasper’s smile, and the subtle hint landed. Harshly, she bit down on her lip, knowing well Jasper certainly didn’t get any apology. “T-that’s good, Jasper. I’m glad.”

Closing her eyes, Jasper took another lungful of air.

“There’s nothing more I could ask from her. The apology was all I needed… So, I-I guess,”

On her shaky exhale, she felt a bit of pain ease from her abdomen.

“... I guess it’s finally time I should let her go.”

Just barely, and almost on a subconscious level, Jasper flickered her eyes over to the mirror lying on it's front.

And she locked her eyes for the last time onto Lapis Lazuli, memorizing the color in her head as if it wasn't already drilled into her mind, and finally turned away.

Jasper was never going to see that horrible gem again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know what to put here. It's been a long trip, I guess.
> 
> I know the ending isn't great. But most real life endings aren't; they don't get clean conclusions, or explanations, or apologies. Most sexual assault victims won't even get the reassurance that their abuser feels guilty. But, at a certain point, they learn to walk away.
> 
> That's all anyone could do. When there's no way to win, or even reach stalemate, you accept your loses and walk away. That doesn't mean it feels better or okay, it just means you're doing the only thing you can.
> 
> I guess that all I really have to say. I could go more in depth for what this epilogue is suppose to represent, but it'll probably be annoying to read a literary analysis from the person who actually wrote the work being analyzed. Hopefully, my intended message in it was clear enough.
> 
> Thanks for everyone who stuck around. I don't know if this was the alternate ending people wanted, or if they expected something more optimistic and uplifting, but this is it. Sorry if it wasn't satisfying.
> 
> I'd love to hear what you guys thought, though.


End file.
